ETLDTD week 4, day 3 - 7/23/8

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Attitude shift: harnessing the power of unity
Reason: to focus on connecting instead of trying to be special
Discipline skill: encouragement
Discipline value: inter dependence

Reading -- intro to skill of encouragement p 58 and 59

Check the Weekly reading
Challenge - p 264 to 265
Power of unityp 47-50
Intro to skill of Encouragement - p 58 and 59
Chapter on encouragement p 121 to p 163

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My goal today is to manage to encourage each child 5 times

[Radosny Matka]

Well, I'm so, so, so glad that we are into week 4. It really, really helped me today. I was upstairs with my oldest putting on my makeup, and the dog walks into the bathroom and lays down. N says, "umm, why does the dog have mustard on him?" I go and RUN down the stairs shouting in a shocked way (not mad), "no no no no" I walk into my kitchen and mustard is allll over the floor. And then I follow the mustard trial into our family room, where my 3 year old has redecorated my fireplace, my coffee table, N's aircraft carrier, several decorations, and the carpet. I managed to stay calm and handed my 3 year old a bottle of cleaner and a towel and told him to clean up the kitchen floor (oh, and he made a bigger mess, but at least he was taking responsibility, but it was fun for him so ) I got everything cleaned up, and even was I was soooo so soooo frustrated with the stains in my carpet, I never lost control. And yes, I did take pictures, because someday I will probably laugh, and might even think it's cute. But, I'm so not there yet, and I hope that I can get the mustard stains out of my carpet. (and I'm thankful he didn't "get" my quilts or my couches )

As for goals - I think my goal is to simply survive today peacefully.

[Amber]

I know it's not funny right now, but give it a little time and it will be. for keeping your cool. I usually get a little frustrated when I have my kids helping me clean up and they are having fun with it But then I realize, I wish that I had that kind of joy when I get to clean up messes BTW, the carpet cleaning recipe in this thread has worked really well for me.

Originally Posted by Radosny Matka

As for goals - I think my goal is to simply survive today peacefully.

Some days that can be a big goal


My goal for today is to encourage each kid at least 5 times, and to keep my composure (is it sad that I am still working on that one )

[KLin]

Sara ,Good job keeping composure and helping your little one take responsibility.

See, I used your name to get your attention, smiled nice and acknowledged your learning to keep in control in a high stress situation, and praised you while I was trying to be encourgaing.

IT WORKS!! Hope your day improves, I had this same day a few weeks ago with Strawberry milk and orange Gatorade


Ok, what I am having problems with are the daily, weekly page numbers. I have know idea what page anything is on. I need to go by chapter. What chapter are you all in now???

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Sara

"YOU did it. YOu maintained your composure." That was me practicing encouragement Now I need to on the kids

It's 4:05 and I think I gave one child encouragement today and it fell flat I have never been good at encouraging.

I did spend one on one time with Alyssa yesterday. ANd I hope to spend some with Luke and savana today

We are on chapter 8

[MamaMansa]

I'm here.....just got home from a whole day of running around to swimming lessons and the pediatrician.

There was only one moment that ended up with me making a poor choice. I can't even remember what the specifics were, but I raised my voice and gave a harsh directive instead of usable instruction. At least I was able to realize it just as soon as the words left my mouth. The funny thing is, my oldest DD tends to mimic phrases that I say to my 4-year-old DD, and today I caught her saying "You have a choice." She is such a wonderful helper, and it just dawned on me that I'm teaching them what to say to *their* children.

I did manage encouragement today, but still haven't spent the one-on-one time that I'd like to.

[Amber]

I had a moment about one on one time today. I can have one on one time even when both kids are in the room with me. Today Cole was busy playing in the fort I had made in the living room, but Kyle had gotten tired of it. Instead I sat in the living room and played one of Kyle's favorite games "run and crash into mommy" Kyle ran and crashed into me over and over, then we had some good old fashioned rough housing. I was way more than 5 minutes

In the past I would have looked for a time when one of the boys physically wasn't around, but now I realize it doesn't necessarily need to be that way.

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Originally Posted by MamaMansa

I'm here.....just got home from a whole day of running around to swimming lessons and the pediatrician.

There was only one moment that ended up with me making a poor choice. I can't even remember what the specifics were, but I raised my voice and gave a harsh directive instead of usable instruction. At least I was able to realize it just as soon as the words left my mouth. The funny thing is, my oldest DD tends to mimic phrases that I say to my 4-year-old DD, and today I caught her saying "You have a choice."
I did manage encouragement today, but still haven't spent the one-on-one time that I'd like to.

Your oldest DD is WONDERFUL - but you know I think that ANd I was a little jealous yesterday when she was reditecting your littlest dd

She is such a wonderful helper, and it just dawned on me that I'm teaching them what to say to *their* children.

I was so impressed with how I saw your oldest with your youngest It reflects YOUR good parenting skills

Originally Posted by Amber

I had a moment about one on one time today. I can have one on one time even when both kids are in the room with me. Today Cole was busy playing in the fort I had made in the living room, but Kyle had gotten tired of it. Instead I sat in the living room and played one of Kyle's favorite games "run and crash into mommy" Kyle ran and crashed into me over and over, then we had some good old fashioned rough housing. I was way more than 5 minutes

In the past I would have looked for a time when one of the boys physically wasn't around, but now I realize it doesn't necessarily need to be that way.

So much success in this challenge We are all progressing so much.

I seriously am just about my progress. today, Luke was melting down in the morning which would usually end with me putting my foot down hard, he ignores my directive starts raging and then he would crash into tears and we'd be back to stage one. Instead, I put my foot down hard, he rejected me and I stopped and said "I am sorry. I was rude and angry with you. Can you forgive me?" Pause, he nodded and his chin started quivering.. . . Me " You have two choices. You may brush your teeth and get your shoes on and get ready to go. Or you will go not ready. If you choose to not be ready, we can't go to the store first. You can go barefoot to pick raspberries but not to the store" which actually wasn't a positive choice but it was the truth and I couldn't figure out another way. . . . . He skipped the rage, cried for awhile and chose to brush his teeth and get ready to leave shocking

If anyone has an alternate suggestion for a more "positive choice" that would be great.

[Radosny Matka]

Jodi! That's awesome! How about trying something like...it's time to go to the store and raspberry picking. YOu have a choice, do you wish to put on your shoes first or brush your teeth?

[The Tickle Momster]

Wow! everyone has shared some awesome positive changes and successes! You are giving me hope!

Sara, that's a great alternative choice for Jodi.

I managed to salvage the afternoon, by remaining calm (mostly). It gets really hard to focus on what I want/need 1 to do when I have another doing something inappropriate. That's when I've been having the toughest time this week.

I managed some 1 on 1 with A this afternoon. It went well. Not yet with the other 2 but there is still a couple of hours left in the day.

[MamaMansa]

Originally Posted by SonshineMama

Your oldest DD is WONDERFUL - but you know I think that ANd I was a little jealous yesterday when she was reditecting your littlest dd

Aww, thanks. A lot of times she is better than me at redirecting Anneliese. I have to say, your children are pretty wonderful too.

Originally Posted by SonshineMama

I seriously am just about my progress. today, Luke was melting down in the morning which would usually end with me putting my foot down hard, he ignores my directive starts raging and then he would crash into tears and we'd be back to stage one. Instead, I put my foot down hard, he rejected me and I stopped and said "I am sorry. I was rude and angry with you. Can you forgive me?" Pause, he nodded and his chin started quivering.. . . Me " You have two choices. You may brush your teeth and get your shoes on and get ready to go. Or you will go not ready. If you choose to not be ready, we can't go to the store first. You can go barefoot to pick raspberries but not to the store" which actually wasn't a positive choice but it was the truth and I couldn't figure out another way. . . . . He skipped the rage, cried for awhile and chose to brush his teeth and get ready to leave shocking

If anyone has an alternate suggestion for a more "positive choice" that would be great.

This reminds me of an example she gave in the book about problem solving and consequences (ie. the child leaving for school in pajamas on pg. 207-208). You found a choice in something that was mandatory (leaving the house). I don't think your options were negative really......he could have left barefoot and not ready, but after weighing his options, he decided that he'd rather have clean teeth and wear shoes. It doesn't sound like you were offering a negative choice, but simply stating a fact. You can't go in a store without shoes.

Based on her example, you could have said this.....

"Oh, Luke, you seem to be having a problem this morning. It is time to go, and you haven't brushed your teeth or put on your shoes. The car is leaving in 5 minutes. It's hard to think of leaving the house barefoot. What do you think you are going to do? Do you want to put your shoes in a bag to put on in the car, or go barefoot? The store does not allow people to enter who are barefoot. What do you think would be better? I know you will come up with a solution to your problem. You can do this. Let me know what you decide to do and if you need my help."

(I love her example, and need to implement this WAY more.)

Not sure how you could work brushing teeth into that. "Would you like to brush in the kitchen sink or the bathroom?"

Having to leave the house with kids dressed and ready is my biggest struggle. I tend to throw all parenting techniques out the window and yell. I think it's great that he responded and it was successful. I also love that you thought to ask for forgiveness. Boy do I need to do that more often! I have found that the kids are so much more receptive to me when I humble myself and apologize to them.

[KLin]

I am glad I am not behind. Thank you for the chapter update. I am in chapter 8. Was there a decision on reading more or just specific chapters as the group challenge??
I just lost a week with surgery and pain killers. So happy to have been able to use good parenting skills while medicated .

I have so improved on my attention and perception which was hard on meds. So I must have actually learned something. I was also really ready to LEARN how to be a better parent. Scary when you realize you had no role model and then do not want to do the same to your own children. Thank you ladies for this journey. So nice to have support. DH is great, but he travels and works and he is not always home when I need to vent or get feedback.

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Originally Posted by Radosny Matka

Jodi! That's awesome! How about trying something like...it's time to go to the store and raspberry picking. YOu have a choice, do you wish to put on your shoes first or brush your teeth?

I think I already used a choice like that aleady. The first choice was "would you like to brush your hair or teeth first?" and he said "neither." I said "Would you like to do teeth or hair first?" I thought if I switched them in order, he might have chosen one He still said "neither". I said to him. "YOu must get your hygiene finished. By not choosing to do it yourself, you are choosing me to do it for you" and went to pin him down I stopped though when I realized what I was doing That was all "putting myfoot down hard" that I said in the first post I am so mortified that I did this. It actually reminded me of when he was on steroids and had to be restrained constantly because he was a danger to us and himself

ANyways, At that point, he slammed the door and I reacted by yelling But I already realized I needed to stop so. . . I calmed down fast and inserted above discussion (leaving out hair - he can let his hair stand up straight in tangles at the store just can't go barefoot and I hate to let my kids skip teeth. hair can be cut if it gets too matted but teeth . . . well, you only get 2 sets of teeth and he has several of his adult teeth

Originally Posted by MamaMansa

This reminds me of an example she gave in the book about problem solving and consequences (ie. the child leaving for school in pajamas on pg. 207-208). You found a choice in something that was mandatory (leaving the house). I don't think your options were negative really......he could have left barefoot and not ready, but after weighing his options, he decided that he'd rather have clean teeth and wear shoes. It doesn't sound like you were offering a negative choice, but simply stating a fact. You can't go in a store without shoes.

Based on her example, you could have said this.....

"Oh, Luke, you seem to be having a problem this morning. It is time to go, and you haven't brushed your teeth or put on your shoes. The car is leaving in 5 minutes. It's hard to think of leaving the house barefoot. What do you think you are going to do? Do you want to put your shoes in a bag to put on in the car, or go barefoot? The store does not allow people to enter who are barefoot. What do you think would be better? I know you will come up with a solution to your problem. You can do this. Let me know what you decide to do and if you need my help."

(I love her example, and need to implement this WAY more.)

Not sure how you could work brushing teeth into that. "Would you like to brush in the kitchen sink or the bathroom?"

Having to leave the house with kids dressed and ready is my biggest struggle. I tend to throw all parenting techniques out the window and yell. I think it's great that he responded and it was successful. I also love that you thought to ask for forgiveness. Boy do I need to do that more often! I have found that the kids are so much more receptive to me when I humble myself and apologize to them.

Filing this away in my memory bank. Unless we have to be somewhere super early, We actually don't have too much trouble getting ready and dressed normally but Luke woke up tired today and we got off on the wrong foot. ALyssa and SAvana were ready at this point. Luke is my slow to get moving kid. He also hadn't eaten at that point but I had a packed lunch so I didn't care about that. Typically, though, I do have trouble whenever Luke is tired getting him through bedtime routine. Our solution for that has been to make SURE we are not running late and if we are, we do not enter a power struggle.

Originally Posted by KLin

I am glad I am not behind. Thank you for the chapter update. I am in chapter 8. Was there a decision on reading more or just specific chapters as the group challenge??
I just lost a week with surgery and pain killers. So happy to have been able to use good parenting skills while medicated .

I have so improved on my attention and perception which was hard on meds. So I must have actually learned something. I was also really ready to LEARN how to be a better parent. Scary when you realize you had no role model and then do not want to do the same to your own children. Thank you ladies for this journey. So nice to have support. DH is great, but he travels and works and he is not always home when I need to vent or get feedback.

I am basing the reading on the challenge of the week. Chapter 8 is about encouragement and week 4 is based on learning this skill

about the lack of role model. ITU I have so many issues from my childhood and there have been rare occassions I have thought "oh man, I am becoming my mother" when I hear myself yelling - THAT is why I wanted to do this challenge ANd honestly, THAT is how I learned to ask forgiveness from my children I would bawl and cry because I was treating them so harshly. Well, there was no hair pulling or face slapping but the shaming punitive yelling happened once in a while -- not very often but even once or twice a month was too much for me :/.

One day Alyssa said to me "mom, it's okay. No one's perfect. We yell at you too" when I asked forgiveness

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week 4, day 4 here