ETLDTD - week one, day 5 -- 7/4/8 and weekend :)

[tempus vernum]

Reading check -
Have you read the following (bolded are sections applying to this week's challenge)
Chapter 1 - willful to willing
Chapter 2 - stop at power of attention (p 30) and continue with PP 40 - 42 - Power of perception
Chapter 3 p 51 to 56 (pp 55 and 56 are power of composure)
Chapter 12 - pp 257 to 260

4th of July is independence day here in the US - I am declariing it independence day for ME

I am declaring myself free from the things that have kept me from enjoying my children fully It's my own personal independence day! May those behaviors be behind me forever!

Have a wonderful day and weekend

[Radosny Matka]

Hi ladies,

I haven't participated much online in the past few days, I have been so busy. I'd love to hear all your real life successes, because I think I learn the most from them - it helps me put all the details of the program into order in my head.

Here is one from this morning. My 3 year old wanted to play with the squirt bottle. I said it was an outside toy. He really, really wanted to, so I said he may squirt it in the sink only. As 3 year olds do, it soon was squirted in areas other than the sink. I repeated to him that he had to keep the water in the sink. He would still spray other places here and there, so I told him. "I know it looks really cool to see the water spray in different places. When you spray in different places, it makes my house wet. You have 2 choices, you can spray the water in the sink only and keep playing, or spray outside the sink and then I will put the sprayer away until we can go outside." After that, we had no issues.

[Living My Dream]

subbin.

Well, I'm seeing some good changes. I am getting a better handle on my yelling again, and the kids are listening more.

[MamaMansa]

I got to practice teaching assertiveness this morning, but I'll admit that I'm having a rough time thinking up responses to my pre-teen. My younger ones seem to be responding well, but I have a hard time with anger and upset when doors are slamming, eyes are rolling, etc. My success in that area today is that I didn't yell.....I just kept chanting to myself, "what I focus on, I get more of."

DS runs in my bedroom to "tattle" (which he seems to do alot, so I'm glad I know the steps to work on this now).

DS: "Mommy, DD said she's never talking to me again."
Me: "Did you like that?"
DS: "No."
Me: "Then go say, 'When you say you aren't talking to me, I feel sad."
DS: "No, she'll just say she doesn't care."
Me: "Would you feel more comfortable saying that if I go with you."
DS: "Yes."

At that point, it all spilled out to DD that his negative response to her was only because he was hurt, and he apologized.

[Radosny Matka]

Laura. Isn't it awesome what happens when we focus on problem solving instead of controlling.

I got to practice choices today at the playground. Both kids were playing in the clubhouse, and neither wanted to leave. I said, "do you want to leave by using the slide or the steps?" One child immediately said slides, the other steps, and came down with no issues. Then we had a race to the van.

[The Tickle Momster]

Really need to get my reminders up in the kitchen. gotta find the time.

still working on owning my own feelings and modeling how to react, I mean, respond.

Last night was a complete failure on my part. All of yesterday was hard. Today will be better. Probably won't be on much until Monday. I'll update when I can.

Originally Posted by Radosny Matka

Here is one from this morning. My 3 year old wanted to play with the squirt bottle. I said it was an outside toy. He really, really wanted to, so I said he may squirt it in the sink only. As 3 year olds do, it soon was squirted in areas other than the sink. I repeated to him that he had to keep the water in the sink. He would still spray other places here and there, so I told him. "I know it looks really cool to see the water spray in different places. When you spray in different places, it makes my house wet. You have 2 choices, you can spray the water in the sink only and keep playing, or spray outside the sink and then I will put the sprayer away until we can go outside." After that, we had no issues.

Well done! It's so cool when it works!

Originally Posted by MamaMansa

DS: "Mommy, DD said she's never talking to me again."
Me: "Did you like that?"
DS: "No."
Me: "Then go say, 'When you say you aren't talking to me, I feel sad."
DS: "No, she'll just say she doesn't care."
Me: "Would you feel more comfortable saying that if I go with you."
DS: "Yes."

At that point, it all spilled out to DD that his negative response to her was only because he was hurt, and he apologized.

Wow! I have to try to remember these things, I find that in the moment my mind goes blank.

[MamaMansa]

Originally Posted by Shnooky

Wow! I have to try to remember these things, I find that in the moment my mind goes blank.

My mind goes blank most times too. I find myself repeating these responses (in my head) throughout each day, so that when an opportunity arises, it's not as hard to recall them on the spot.

My husband picked up the book for me today and I'm enjoying it. Quite a bit of it is similar or the same as my counselor has said to me as we've worked on my parenting, but in some ways I'm understanding a little better having read the way the author puts things.

Thanks for bringing up the book and starting this!

Today's been a pretty good day for the kids and I.

I was having a bad afternoon/night tonight. I completely lost it at DH, especially when DS was pressing buttons on the tv while DH was trying to watch something and he told DD to give him a smack!

I hid myself away in the computer room for a little bit trying to get control of myself again, and when I walked out DD had drawn with felt pen on a few of the walls, I just looked away and went and sat down for a bit until i decided I could handle it. I took DD to the wall and said "You wanted to draw *she said yes* you don't draw on walls, it makes them messy, come clean it up" and i got a cloth and some spray stuff and got her to wipe the walls (which she thought was great fun, hopefully she doesn't do it again just so she can clean the walls!!!), I then said to her "Next time you want to draw you come and ask Mummy for some paper" she said "please Mummy paper" so cute!!! I then got her some paper, which she didn't use anyway cos she found something else to do.

So, I had one success within a day of failures.

Oh! after DH put the kids to bed I asked him to leave the tv off for a bit, and we ACTUALLY sat and talked for a bit, and I told him about this, which oh great wise one said he didn't need to do, but I told him about how I'm supposed to be learning how to handle things without smacking and he said he'd learn from me telling him about it, so at least that's something.

Unfortunately DH comes from a culture where they are majorly punitive (I won't explain what they do as punishment knowing that many people here are sensitive to it, i'll just say that it goes as far as a couple of families having child welfare visit), and I don't ever want our children to experience it. It would be amazing if DH would learn GD and do a complete 360 from what his culture has engrained in him.

Anyway, it's getting late and I'm tired, I stayed up to watch the Rugby Union with DH (our quality time ) not that I really knew what was going on!!

Shnooky! Just keep going! I hope today gets better for you.

The part about offering real choices is a very good one. I used it last night too. We came home and I realized Logan needed to rinse his feet before he got into bed. He'd put his PJs on before we set off fireworks at Grandma's. When we got into the bathroom I realized he needed a bath instead. He whined and fussed but I just kept saying "You need to be clean before you get into bed. You have a choice between a shower and a bath, which would you prefer?" He was unable to choose, so I offered to wash him up with the shower so that he could just stand there, realizing that it was 10pm and he was very tired and that was likely why he was whiny/fussy. He said yes, and there was no more fussing.

It was really nice to be calm through it, because I'm usually cranky when I'm tired!

[naturallia]

I am STILL working on what I started on day one- Power of Perception.

My children does not have permission to make me angry. So let's take away the situations that make me angry like him pulling books off the shelves. Okay... I'll box the books up and label each box with what books are inside so I can still find them when I need them.

I get frustrated when my son's "mama! mama! mama!" while yanking on me. I get touched out. So there's no more comfort corner. Now there's a comfort closet! Yes, you read that right. I turned the big closet into a tiny play room so that I can close the door and give myself a time out while he's happily playing in there. I got frustrated he wouldn't stay in his comfort chair. He NEEDS to move, to wiggle, to squirm. So he can do that in the closet, out of my sight while I recharge my mommy batteries.

And I'm still trying to figure out how to "fix" it so that he doesnt' make me angry by being a monkey, as in being able to get on the other side of baby safety gates, etc. I'm trying to not "Wigglebutt!!!! GET. OUT. OF. THE. KITCHEN!!!! give me that knife and get out! out! out!"

I need to reframe how I see our interactions. I'm taking back the power. They do not have my permission to make me angry so I'll change the environment to set them up for success, which in the end, means I am set up for success by getting frustrated less and less so that when my son truly needs to be parented, I still have energy because it hasn't been drained by "No, leave those books alone, argh, now I have to clean that, argh!, etc"

I'm trying really hard to not have my coffee in the living room anymore, where my son loves throwing his toys in it or grabbing it and soaking the carpet with coffee.

I'm still working on this one. It'll be a while.

[TraceMama]

(((Tishia))) Wow! It sounds like you're doing a ton and making a lot of progress. You've identified so many of your triggers and are using your energy to change them and set you and your family up for success. Awesome!

I honestly can't recall specific instances right now where my reading has helped, but it has I'm finding much more patience, much more composure, much less "giving my power away".

I'll post more later!

[Myrtle]

I told dd she was making me angry Thursday night while we were cooking and caught myself. I rephrased to let her know I was getting angry, not that she was making me that way. Baby steps.