ETLDTD, week one, day 3 - 7/2/8

[tempus vernum]

Read pp 51 to 56 (intro to 7 basic discipline skills and composure)

Practice the Power of Perception points on p 42 (tip - they are also on the cheat sheets )

Comments? Thoughts? Struggles?

[Living My Dream]

im having a cheat day today! My boy left at 9am this morning and wont be back ntil 2pm. I needed a rest from all this relactating etc so a ladt from our church who has a 3yo said she would take him for me. its good for him to go and play for abit away from his hormonal mother! LOL

WRT the challenge. this morning was really good. generally if we follow it all, there are no conflits (which suprises me).

Im trying to work on the perception of how i see things. Its a very positive outlook to have on the world and sometimes i do like this world but i need to focus ont he good. Its like that old hymn - count your blessings name them one by one.

[tempus vernum]

Today I am hoping there won't be any yelling goin on I am happy to say that so far I am dong much better controlling myself. this accountability is working for me and running this is working for me because I spend a few minutes in the a.m. with the book and a few minutes in the p.m. with the book. DH is going to join me. I am excited about that too .


I wanted to share a victory. My kids actually stopped spitting on each other and did what I said when I was coaching them on conflict resolution

A: L just spit on my hair
Me: (first to L) Stop spitting. Do you need my help stopping? I can move you away from A or you can stop spitting.
L: Shakes head no
ME (to A now) did you like it when L spit on you?
A: NO (very strong)
ME: tell him "I don't like it when you spit on me. Stop"
A: stop spitting. I dont like it.
L: She spit on me first
ME: tell her "Stop spitting on me. I don't like it"
L: I don't like when you spit on me. Stop.,
A: Okay I won't do it again
END OF SITUATION



Since deciding to start this, I have read the book and implemented this one in particular because we have a huge bickering issue. Each time it's gone kind of porly and I realized that I first need to stop the person harassing the other one that caused the tattling because otherwise things get out of control I have done it over and over and over. Last night I almost fell off the couch when it actually worked. I had accepted that I can teach the concept of conflict resolution and it may not work but to keep working on the teaching - it's up to them if they want to accept my teaching.

I was so stinkin excited, I can't even tell you

[Mama Bird]

I spent a lot of my time yesterday focusing on the positive. That's what I want more of.

Today is going to be really hard. I have a migraine. And it's storming outside, so it will be up to me to entertain the kiddos, probably without electricity. :/

Last night was awful, as there is a big problem with Little Man's ADHD meds and the dose. He isn't eating hardly at all, which makes him cranky. He is so exhausted that he's falling into a very deep nap late in the afternoon...causing HUGE bedtime struggles. I'm calling the doc about that today.

Pray for me today!!!

[tempus vernum]

Lula, enjoy your break You sound like you are doing so much better

Haley, I will pray for you Rainy days can be tough

[The Tickle Momster]

WTG Jodi! It's cool to hear success stories.

I need to make some cheat quotes to put on my kitchen cupboards. It's hard to remember stuff all day long.

Today's reading had a paragraph that stuck out to me. I've said it often. I need to learn to respond, not react. It's on page 55 and she continues on to talk about using the skill of composure to overcome the ingrained reactions from childhood. I'm guessing from early parenting when I didn't know better too. I love her example of filling out a form at work. Great word picture.

Today's goals:
*own my own upset
*use the skill of composure to respond, not react
*play with the kiddos -- We are going to the park today. I'm not sure how it will work, but I'm going to try & play with them. There will be several families from church there who can snuggle Toby for a few minutes.
*remember that my kids are not out to get me, even when it feels/sounds like it
*remember to not resist what is

ETA goals based on last 2 days posts.

[Living My Dream]

i'll be doing this tomorrow, but ill updaTE X

[MamaMansa]

I am having trouble. I am so determined to make these changes, and while it seems much easier to maintain my composure and be aware of my feelings and upset, I find that I don't always know what to say when conflicts arise. I am so worried about each response (is this good praise or bad praise, if I say that will it be punitive, etc.) that I'm afraid to say *anything* at all without consulting my book, LOL. Of course, that doesn't work in the heat of the moment when kids are waiting for me to direct them.

I am getting so much better at canned responses, but catch myself in the "what if's"......every situation is different around here, and I just don't always know what the correct response is. I feel like I need hand holding, which isn't good, but this doesn't really come natural to me, so it's not always the "comfortable" or easy route to take. No one said change was easy!

As an example, this morning, my DS got upset at the fact that his 4-year-old younger sister was trying to go in his room. Both of them were screaming at the tops of their lungs, and my DS was baracading his doorway. How do I offer constructive and useful information and how do I promote sharing (and boundaries) without making DS feel selfish for wanting to protect his toys? (Since "please be nice" and "why can't you just share with her?" are out.) :/ Ideas???

[tempus vernum]

Originally Posted by MamaMansa

I am having trouble. I am so determined to make these changes, and while it seems much easier to maintain my composure and be aware of my feelings and upset, I find that I don't always know what to say when conflicts arise. I am so worried about each response (is this good praise or bad praise, if I say that will it be punitive, etc.) that I'm afraid to say *anything* at all without consulting my book, LOL. Of course, that doesn't work in the heat of the moment when kids are waiting for me to direct them.

I am getting so much better at canned responses, but catch myself in the "what if's"......every situation is different around here, and I just don't always know what the correct response is. I feel like I need hand holding, which isn't good, but this doesn't really come natural to me, so it's not always the "comfortable" or easy route to take. No one said change was easy!

As an example, this morning, my DS got upset at the fact that his 4-year-old younger sister was trying to go in his room. Both of them were screaming at the tops of their lungs, and my DS was baracading his doorway. How do I offer constructive and useful information and how do I promote sharing (and boundaries) without making DS feel selfish for wanting to protect his toys? (Since "please be nice" and "why can't you just share with her?" are out.) :/ Ideas???

I remember when I felt "frozen" and uncertain what to say. I often said nothing too

Remember, meltdowns are expected and no feelings are "bad" so if you redirect 4yo dd and she meltsdown it's okay. I would have done this (this is based on the fact that 4yo dd is HN and ds usually plays and shares very well with her IMO).

YOU: I see dd wants to play in ds's room (using real names LOL). . . .(pause). .. .

I often pause because you will guage emotional reactions quicker. At this point, my kids usually start spilling out the story

Depending on response (if they weren't up to solving it themselves).

"DS, when you don't want dd in your room say 'dd, I don't want you in my room'. If she doesn't listen, please call me to help" Turn to 4yo dd, and pick her up and start redirecting her "ds doesn't want anyone in his room. It looks like you are angry -- your face is all screwed up and your voice sounds upsett. It can be hard to be angry with the people we love. Let's go play. Do you want to play with __________ or ______________." (knowing your home layout), as you are carrying her down the stairs and redirecting her to her toys in the TV room. At this point she will either meltdown or play with toys.

Basically, affirm to ds it's okay to want his things to himself while setting the boundary that he needs to call you for help working it out if she doesn't listen. I may even say "I appreciate you using words and not your body to communicate this to her." WHy? He didn't hit kick or punch her. In our house, ds would have been kicking and punching dd (ask me how I know -- because ds has been kicking and hitting dd quite a bit today). Affirm to dd she's upset about it and move her away from the situation. She is a harder one to distract -- that's how my older 2 were . IF she doesn't like it and melts, remind yourself, it's okay. Ask her "would you like mama to comfort you or do you need some time alone" If she doesn't answer, move into your living room or kitchen and say "I'm in the kitchen if you need my help calming down."

You could also consider setting up a comfort corner. Did you see those stickies?

Also, just as a baseline, Alyssa used to melt down for up to 45 minutes over things like this Of course, she was the oldest but over something she wanted that she couldn't have. WHen she melted down, she wanted me to sit with my hand on her leg while she kicked and screamed and had a fit. THen we'd read, hug and she'd move on. HN children are . . . well. . .challengings

You can do this. I promise.

Sorry if this is disjointed I am going to call you because I don't know if this makes any sense

[The Tickle Momster]

That made lots of sense Jodi. Thanks for taking the time to type it all out.

To continue with that example. . . How do you get them to stop screaming long enough to help:? I've been known to shout STOOOOOP!!! There has to be a better way.

[tempus vernum]

Originally Posted by mlrowley

That made lots of sense Jodi. Thanks for taking the time to type it all out.

To continue with that example. . . How do you get them to stop screaming long enough to help:? I've been known to shout STOOOOOP!!! There has to be a better way.

Glad it made sense - it seemed kind of . . . well. . . not making sense

To stop the screaming at each other, I do a few things when I am calm - I am assuming you don't want the "uncalm version" -- and of course, I am hoping and praying those days are behind me

1. I step between them and shout shout "ding, ding, boxers to your corners" (the first time I had to explain about boxing and boxing referees and their jobs
2. I distract by getting between them and "crying" really loudly (fakely). "My babies are hurting each other with words. . . waaaaaaa. . . waaaaaaa. . . waaaaaaaaaaaa. Then they usually jump all over me or giggle. ANd I say "ready to try again to work this out calmly or do you need some time away from each other?"
3. Get between them and start yelling gibberish as loud and dramatic as possible (same idea as above - silly distraction).
4. Calmly step between them and start moving them apart. Take one into the other room (doors open) and wait for silence. Then say "when you are ready to work this out calmly, let me know. I'll be standing here keeping you apart."

[MamaMansa]

Yes, it makes perfect sense, especially since I talked to you before reading this.

I have been known to shout STOOOOOP too, so you aren't alone mlrowley. My new goal in this area is to physically (and calmly) place myself between the two screaming parties instead of trying to direct from across the room.

Thank you for typing out those dialogues. I know I just need to keep practicing to prevent freezing up, and as SonshineMama stated to me, silence while thinking is much better than shouting or responding to them harshly because I'm irritated. If I can't think of anything immediately, I want to be able to tell them that I need to take a breath to calm down before trying to respond to the problem (and then ask for their input on solutions).

Since the situation with DS's room seems to be daily, I am feeling more confident that I have an immediate response next time. I had a crazy idea (since DS is pretty decent at sharing when not trying to defend his room), and thought I might suggest that he could pretend his room was (like) the video store.....one item checked out at the time by DD (of his choosing), and they could make a game of it. I'll have to get our toy cash register out of storage. After talking to him, his fear is not that he'll have to share, but that she will trash his room and break his favorite toys. To DD, his room is just this off-limits sanctuary, filled with things she can't have, so of course she wants to get in there. It's so hard to explain to a 4-year-old that he needs his private space, because she shares a room with my older DD, and nothing in there is off-limits.

[Myrtle]

The past two days have been much better with the yelling, which is my main goal this week. I realize my children are not *making* me mad, and that helps.

[KLin]

The past few days I have been happy in my boys just playing and being happy. Last night my DH came home in a bad mood, his boss was fired and work in a nightmare for him, he did not feel well and went to bed after dinner. The boys were upset because they wanted dad. We talked about dad having a bad day and I got the boys to bed and stayed up til 11:00 to read ETLDTD for a while. Then Little munchie was wet twice and cried in his sleep for almost two hours while I held him. SO I have been super tired today. Dh had to go back to the office for more meetings and little munchie threw up twice today. :/ No yelling today, lots of snuggles and redirecting.

So, no normal daily routine to work on. I am loving the cheat sheets and found I have many bad habits to change. I have always talked to my boys just my wording has changed this past few days. I am getting the boys to bed soon so I can read some more.

I have been really struggling. I had a big yelling spell this morning but then apologised to DD for it. I need to stop and think before I say anything. I have been trying to talk to DD, but I start off okayish but then don't know what to say, so a lot of the time I let things go that I should be talking to her about just because I get confused, and half the time i'm too tired to do GOYB parenting.