Very Mixed Feelings

[Beth1231]

Here's where I ditch the trying to please mentality and get hard-core honest....

Back when I was in college, dating now Hubby and seriously punitive....I met an AP mom. My very first exposure in fact. I thought she was crazy, but I couldn't deny her kids were both great kids and it was a very close family. But the thing I thought was the absolute craziest is that she and her husband slept with her kids. I hated that idea and decided that even if I was starting to soften on the whole non-punitive idea that I would never in a million years have a baby or worse, child that couldn't go to sleep or stay asleep without my body nearby.

Okay, so now.....I have tried and tried and tried to get my sweet baby to sleep in her crib and only nurse two or at the most, three times at night. I WORK and 5:30AM morning call really really stinks when you have a baby crawling all over you periodically through the night, crying until you give in and nurse AGAIN (even if it's a stinkin' hour since you have last nursed) and to top it all off...my husband is sleeping on the couch lately because we only have a full-size bed and it's too tight of a fit!

Okay, I admit I like the feeling of my sleeping baby peacefully SLEEPING beside me. But it doesn't last all night or even close to that. And I miss touching my feet to my husband's feet during the night and I miss cuddling and falling asleep in his arms. I DON'T want Anina to get older and older month by month and decide that she can only sleep beside me and nothing else will do. I want her to sleep in her crib (in our room) and I am just frustrated.

This is the ONE thing I wanted to avoid about AP and here I am, totally stuck. CIO is, of course not an option. She just cries and cries and cries (in my arms or Daddy's arms) until I finally give in and nurse her. I've tried to hold her and wait her out, believe me. Anything to get into a different routine. But the routine is just getting WORSE and I am SICK of it.

*takes a deep breath*

If you read all that then I don't know what to think except that you probably understand and also feel stuck or that you are just being a caring Mama.

[Calliope]

I have nothing to add except that I am in the exact same spot with this issue. I love co-sleeping, but I miss cuddling my husband. I feel like the fact that I am there with my boobs right in DS's face is what encourages him to want to nurse all night. I have no idea how to make him sleep in a crib even if I wanted to. Last night, DS was super twitchy so I pushed him over in our side-carred crib because I couldn't take it anymore. Within three minutes, he squirmed IN HIS SLEEP over two feet and on top of the crack so he could snuggle with me again.

I feel confused, conflicted, like I must be doing something wrong, like I have no IDEA what I'm doing and I worry that I'm just making it all worse by worrying about it. I want to do what's best, but I have no idea what that is.

[Beth1231]

Thank you, Grace....you're awesome as usual

You're describing part of my major problem with all of this cosleeping stuff. I've read about the baby snuggles, the sweetness of just being able to turn over and plug in nipple....BUT there is also the thing of being so, so sore in the morning in my back and hips from all that turning and rolling and falling asleep in weird positions so I don't elbow her in the head by mistake. And then there is the thing of they don't stay asleep. They get bigger and head butt you at 3AM while crying and trying to climb on top of you. And I think I feel....disillusioned with the whole thing. I imagined a much happier, sweeter experience for everyone that did no involve me literally pushing her off me because I've just been head butted too many times in one (very early) morning. And I can't figure out how to get her to fall asleep in her crib and stay asleep for more than three hours. Then she's up and awake every hour and around 3:30AM I give up and she ends up with me and Hubby gets pushed to the couch.

Is this mothering stuff just supposed to be incredibly hard and frustrating the first year? What am I supposed to learn from this?

Sigh.

[expatmom]

The age your babies are at was the hardest age for sleeping for all 3 of my kids. I know right now it seems endless, but honestly it does get better. The ages between starting mobility to steady walking seemed to make for really challenging sleeping.

Where do they nap? My dd was a much better crib napper then nightime crib sleeper. Once she got dangerous being left alone on the bed to sleep at night, we started her out in her pack n play & then moved her in with us once she woke up after we were in our bed. Her crib time eventually lengthed so I got a good chunk of alone time prior to our early morning snuggles.

I'd like to say that there was some magic thing we did that made it better, but honestly it was mostly just time.

Rest assured you aren't doing anything wrong & you aren't messing them up for their future sleep habits. Babies are needy, but they won't always be needy. In the midst of it though it does seem like it might last forever.

[allisonintx]

yea, I remember going out of my mind when my babies were that age It did pass.

Have you already tried the NCSS stuff

[Beth1231]

I've read NCSS a couple of times all the way through and even given it an honest go. But I really do need a consistent schedule to get it going and with me working and Anina at two different caregivers (one mom Mon and Tues and one mom Wed-Fri) it's pretty close to impossible for it be consistent

Notice my ticker......

I am going to throw all of my "I'm out of school!!!!!" energy into getting this child into a good, solid routine. And then I'll work from there.

For now, I guess I just come here to vent and thank you for reassuring me that this is a time thing. I really do worry I'm going to end up with a toddler who won't sleep by herself. If my goal was a family bed, then I guess this wouldn't bug me quite as much? I don't know since my goals are a little bit different.

[monkeylicious]

beth & grace - once again, i am right there with ya! evie prefers to sleep attached (i love AP - but not that attached!) and will sleep unlatched for some of the night (i can't sleep when she is latched) but always very very near me. and when she wakes cries until i give in. (and dh so helpfully will say "is she hungry? no- she just came off 10 min ago at which point i usually resentfully give in ) i get to the point where i'm feeling resentful - and then guilty about that.

someone mentioned nap situation - yeah - well that's on me usually - literally

i definately need to go find my NCSS book (but mine is the toddler one) something must give and i yearn to do it as gently as possible, but it seems there will be some crying involved (not CIO) probably both her and me

all i can say is that gigi does now sleep in her own bed (most nights ) and never slept in her crib regularly until she was 2... so i know there is hope!

[Calliope]

Originally Posted by Beth1231

I really do worry I'm going to end up with a toddler who won't sleep by herself. If my goal was a family bed, then I guess this wouldn't bug me quite as much? I don't know since my goals are a little bit different.

It would be helpful if I had a clue what my goals were. I think this is the problem with being a co-sleeper by default. You have no idea where you are going or it will or should end.

[expatmom]

Originally Posted by Beth1231

I really do worry I'm going to end up with a toddler who won't sleep by herself.

All 3 of my kids have had phases like your Anina. Right now they are all up asleep in their own rooms, having fallen asleep by themselves after dh & I tucked them into bed. Even my 22 month old dd!

Your dd is still very young. She is connecting & reconnecting with you thru the night. She feels safe snuggled into you. She is learning that sleep is an okay state of being & to fall asleep peacefully. You are building a good association with sleep that will benefit her in the long term.

[Yuliana]

No advice because I am not married but I thank you for been so honest about your feelings

[Katigre]

Don't even worry about the toddler issue right now - seriously, when they're a toddler you can explain things to them more and the understand a bit more. We coslept/nursed to sleep full-time until DS was 18ish months and then did a gradual (4+ months gradual) transition to not nursing to sleep, nightweaning, and sleeping in a crib/toddler bed instead of next to us. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow - just focus on today's issues and do the best you can with that .

[homesteadmama]

Originally Posted by Katigre

Don't even worry about the toddler issue right now - seriously, when they're a toddler you can explain things to them more and the understand a bit more. We coslept/nursed to sleep full-time until DS was 18ish months and then did a gradual (4+ months gradual) transition to not nursing to sleep, nightweaning, and sleeping in a crib/toddler bed instead of next to us. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow - just focus on today's issues and do the best you can with that .

I SOOO needed to hear this today! I'm right there with you Grace and Beth. We have been trying so hard to get dd to go to sleep without the boob, and then to stay asleep, or be able to put herself back to sleep when she awakes in the middle of the night, without the boob. Nothing.is.working. It is so hard on both me (when I have to nurse all.night.long), and dh when he is up for three straight hours trying to walk her down in the middle of the night so that she can learn to do it without the boob. It's not working. I'm really looking forward to that 18 mo stage when you say it begins to change. Lord, Pul-eeeeeeee-ssse! In the meantime, I will keep reading posts like this because it is comforting to know others can relate.

[Calliope]

I think the other issue I'm having is that I keep reading "with co-sleeping, everyone sleeps better!" Let's see. Daddy's retreated to the couch. Mommy has a crick in her back and is exhausted from nursing all night. Baby *might* be sleeping better, but it's hard to tell when you are hearing about crib sleepers at this age who only wake up once or twice a night. As far as I can tell this is only better than not sleeping at all. :/

[Katigre]

I don't agree that 'with cosleeping, everyone sleeps better" - for some families that is true (it was for us until about 18 months when we started changing things). You're not doing anything 'wrong' that it's not peaceful and restful for you IMO - i think that so much depends on the personality of the individual baby and parents that there's no hard and fast rule for how it plays out, especially with older infants (i think generally newborns sleep better when they're with their parents than without, but once you're at 4+ months old it seems to vary a lot more).

[Titus2Momof4]

Allow me to post and tell you that what you are feeling is absolutely totally NORMAL.

Sure you read all about cosleeping and how wonderful it is (and you even decided against it ) and so when your sweet smelling teeny tiny newborn came home, you couldn't imagine a better place for her to sleep but between the two of you. And how convenient for nursing too, huh?

Fast forward 5-6 months, and you are going bonkers. You aren't the first (ask me how I know )

Couple of things -

if you want her to sleep in the crib, I would suggest you put the crib in another room. You are probably cringing right now. Go ahead. I'll wait.

So anyway.... I say this because, in my personal experience having btdt a few times it seems as though having them in the crib in the room isn't much better- they will pull themselves up and stand at the crib (or just sit up), staring out between the crib slats crying and crying, because they *see* you and don't understand why you are so deaf that you don't hear them. Typical.

It's also not unusual that you trying to 'wait her out' won't work, because, well, she isn't stupid- she KNOWS you have the goods right there, why won't you just give it to her?? LOL

Some ideas:

She's about 6 months, right? Were you hoping to wait until 1 yr before starting solids, or is she eating any solids at this point?

What does her day time feeding 'schedule' look like- is she a good eater?

What happens when you try to lay her down in the crib (sure that she is full) and continue to pat her back until your arm is ready to fall off? (this is how we broke our cosleepers, btw.....weeks and weeks of this, gradually having to pat for less and less time until the patting phased itself out)

*ETA* I just checked your sig and see that she's actually 9 months old. For some reason I was thinking she was around 6.