Did God make some moms . . . ?

[mommylove]

Did God make some moms to like their kids more than others?

I ask because on another (non-parenting) board that I frequent, the question comes up periodically whether the poster should be a SAHM or go to work. Most of the women are super pro-work & state that work makes them whole or that they could not handle being with their kid(s) all day. I can't relate, so I'm curious if God made some women to embrace the whole package & others to want kids, but not want to be with them very much.


ETA: I'm not slamming working moms at ALL! I was just curious if it's a God-thing, or a society-thing. Does that make sense? I respect that there's not a one-size-fits-all way for families to live. So please no one get offended or read more into what I'm asking.

[Beauty4Ashes]

I'm kind of curious about this as well. I drove ds1 to school today and there were a couple of mothers with new babies; one was checking out the nursery--she was supposed to go back to work very soon and needed to look into child care for her 6 week old. It just seemed so weird. I felt like I must be strange because ds1 didn't even start school until he was nearly 3.5 years and that was only because he needed speech therapy. Otherwise I would have waited until he was 4-5 years old. I think sometimes that I am doing better as a mother to ds2 because ds1 *is* in school now, and when school is out, I do go a little stir crazy. The mothers that I have encountered at ds1's school are mostly working mothers and their attitude seems different than the sahm's, more like their dc are hard to handle or something. IDK.

[allisonintx]

Here's my view.

We are social creatures living in a society that values independence above EVERYTHING, and views the need for community as weakness. Work community is allowed. Home community is private and therefor not allowed. The reason that the working women are so much happier on nearly all surveys (and they nearly universally are) is because they are allowed a community.

[WanderingJuniper]

Thinking on this for the moment.

I think its a society.culture thing and not a God thing.

Have you seen Ricky Lake's The Business of Being Born? It talks about the cocktail of love hormones we release when giving birth naturally, and how medical interventions are causing women not to release this cocktail. I don't think that's why some women are desperate to go back to work, but I do think its one of many symptoms of how we're becoming less dependent on the natural parenting processes which God designed to create a bond and attatchment with our children. I think we no longer look to our instincts when it comes to raising kids, we wait to hear how our Ped tells us to do it. I think there are just many many societal issues which are separating us from a God given mother/child bond.

i'm not trying to suggest it's wrong for a mother to work! Not at all. But like you said, sometimes the attitude is "I WANT to go back to work as soon as possible for some adult time" rather than working out of necessity, and it is that attitude that I feel is symptomatic of a loss of attatchment.

[DoulaClara]

Bouncing off the love hormone cocktail idea, women who were birthed in a very actively managed setting are reaching the age of motherhood and having babies of their own. If that does play a role, I wonder how many generations of that can continue to cascade down through progeny. The oxytocin and bonding is a two-way street, and if women who are birthing today did not recieve certain stimulus that they needed, they may not have the automatic instinct to do the same for their offspring- not that all actively managed births result in women who have this issue!

[allisonintx]

I was actually just on a soapbox about this last night w/ dh, because of that stupid new show where they put the mom in her "dream job" to "show her what her life would be like if she had made different choices"

[Rabbit]

Originally Posted by Allison In TX

Here's my view.

We are social creatures living in a society that values independence above EVERYTHING, and views the need for community as weakness. Work community is allowed. Home community is private and therefor not allowed. The reason that the working women are so much happier on nearly all surveys (and they nearly universally are) is because they are allowed a community.

Having a job cuts away the loneliness, and imposes a meaningful routine and structure to every day.

[Beauty4Ashes]

Originally Posted by DoulaClara

Bouncing off the love hormone cocktail idea, women who were birthed in a very actively managed setting are reaching the age of motherhood and having babies of their own. If that does play a role, I wonder how many generations of that can continue to cascade down through progeny. The oxytocin and bonding is a two-way street, and if women who are birthing today did not recieve certain stimulus that they needed, they may not have the automatic instinct to do the same for their offspring- not that all actively managed births result in women who have this issue!

I hope that won't be the case with my older two. Their births were unfortunately quite managed, but I've worked hard to be attached to them (bf'ing, co-sleeping, lots of long walks with them, etc.).

[Rabbit]

Originally Posted by mom2bashar n danny

I hope that won't be the case with my older two. Their births were unfortunately quite managed, but I've worked hard to be attached to them (bf'ing, co-sleeping, lots of long walks with them, etc.).

I don't think that's something that cascades. Otherwise, adoptive mothers who have never given birth would never be able to bond with and nurture their adopted children. Love and nurturing responses are so much more than post birth hormones.

[Firebird Rising]

Originally Posted by Allison In TX

Here's my view.

We are social creatures living in a society that values independence above EVERYTHING, and views the need for community as weakness. Work community is allowed. Home community is private and therefor not allowed. The reason that the working women are so much happier on nearly all surveys (and they nearly universally are) is because they are allowed a community.

This is TOTALLY brilliant. It more and more structures in my mind how we need to create these intentional communities of women that need that fellowship after their child is born. Being fulfilled as a mother is really something I struggle with because there's not a lot of affirmation in my life right now, not from DH, not from my parents, not from friends. In fact, today, I was just visualizing that as a need I need to express to DH as we talk about our needs tonight at counseling. With a new baby coming, I need to know that I'm doing a good job, I need feedback on both my choices and my instincts.

I desperately miss my job sometimes because I had structured evaluations, I had people that were always around me, I had ups and downs that were beyond my control. It's very hard to feel fulfilled sometimes with a two-year-old in the house. For some reason, it's also harder since DH is home all the time, as a student. We're ALWAYS home together and it's really weird sometimes.

Jen D.

[Iveyrock]

Originally Posted by fireshifter

This is TOTALLY brilliant. It more and more structures in my mind how we need to create these intentional communities of women that need that fellowship after their child is born. Being fulfilled as a mother is really something I struggle with because there's not a lot of affirmation in my life right now, not from DH, not from my parents, not from friends. In fact, today, I was just visualizing that as a need I need to express to DH as we talk about our needs tonight at counseling. With a new baby coming, I need to know that I'm doing a good job, I need feedback on both my choices and my instincts.

I desperately miss my job sometimes because I had structured evaluations, I had people that were always around me, I had ups and downs that were beyond my control. It's very hard to feel fulfilled sometimes with a two-year-old in the house. For some reason, it's also harder since DH is home all the time, as a student. We're ALWAYS home together and it's really weird sometimes.

Jen D.

and along with the lack of feed back, there is rarely a sense of completion. Almost everything we do either gets undone right away (dishes), or takes a lifetime to see the end result (raising kids)

[CapeTownMommy]

Well I'm one of THOSE moms. When I was pregnant with dd, I sooooo wished I could be a SAHM (I'm more or less the sole breadwinner though, because dh's business makes no money at the moment, so it wasn't an option). Once she was about 2 months old I was climbing up the walls - I really really really needed adult conversation, I could NOT do babycare all day long. Interestingly, though, I told my dh just last night that I now (dd is 16 months now) feel I could stay home and care for her - mostly because she now communicates, but I couldn't deal with the non-communicative-except-for-crying bit.

Anyway, I think it's a society thing because in an ideal world, I would have had access to adult conversation even if I was a SAHM - with family members or other SAHMs in my environment who I could connect with. Don't get me wrong, I'd be perfectly happy to chat about baby stuff all day, but I needed to talk to someone! But where I am, I don't know a single SAHM. We live in a security complex (46 houses) and it's only the retired couples who are home in the day, not a single SAHM. My mom works full time, as does all my other family members in our city.

I wish it were possible for me to be with my children while they're small, but finances won't allow it, and if they did, the societal structure that we live in doesn't allow me to fulfill my emotional needs. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but it's why I'm working.

[DoulaClara]

Originally Posted by mom2bashar n danny

I hope that won't be the case with my older two. Their births were unfortunately quite managed, but I've worked hard to be attached to them (bf'ing, co-sleeping, lots of long walks with them, etc.).

That's why I said, "IF that were ture....THEN..." So much more plays a role in human behavior. I heard a quote once on some morning news talk show that went- "Genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger." My mom's birth was heavily managed, and she was a great mom to me, who upon birthing me, lost me for about 8 hours into the mysterious depths of the military hospital where she was stationed. She still has no idea why they took me, or where I went. And, I consider myself a really nurturing mom!

I think it's sort of a slippery slope kind of thinking when people start to quantify affection and love based on time spent. I am happy to be at home with Gianna. I have a SIL who works 2-3 days outside of the home, and my nephew goes to preschool/ childcare. She is a nurturing, wonderful mom with great instincts, and she really just was not happy at home with him all day. It is hard to sort ones own thoughts from what has been drilled into our brains by the media and the current culture.

I think besides the hormones released during natural birth, that a lot of it has to do with breastfeeding, and The hormones involved in THAT that God designed to bond us to our babies. When mothers choose to bottle feed, they sacrifice more than they realize.