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Old 11-27-2007, 09:16 PM   #1
Dandelion
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Default List of family rules and consequences

I would like to make a list tomorrow of our rules and the subsequent consequences for breaking specific rules. That way when a rule is broken I don't have to flip through my already overworked foggy brain, I can just flip the rule chart out and say "Ds 1 you were running in the house, you need to take a break on the couch and cool off." I would really like some help with this, though.
Here are some of the common problems the kids run into...

running in the house -- we have 2 staircases and they often just run a loop and run people over in the process. Do the above consequence sound okay?

hitting, kicking, grabbing, screaming at another family member -- remove the child from the room/presence of victim to be alone, calm down (should there be an amount of time?)

disobeying a specific request by me or dh or other authority figure (ie. grandma, aunt, etc.) -- this I am at a loss for a consequence.

speaking disrespectfully --- ???

can you ladies give me some more ideas for rules I need to cover and consequences for those rules being broken? my brain is so gone right now!!!
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Old 11-28-2007, 04:32 PM   #2
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences



For speaking disrespectfully to me or Dh we usually just say something like: " I don't like it when you talk to me like that. I'm going to leave the room now until you can talk to me more nicely." If I cannot leave the room I ask them to leave until they can talk more nicely.


I don't ever time a "cool down time". sometimes they need 5 minutes, sometimes they need 5 seconds. So if they are being mean to each other I remove them from the situation, have them talk to each other (the one being hurt tells the other one how s/he feels being treated that way) and then ask if they need some time apart. If so, they separate for whatever amount of time they need. This seems to work. Dr. Sears book also suggest that "Tommy" put on "Jimmy's" hat. Jimmy would then roll play and say the mean things Tommy was saying to him so Tommy could tell how he felt. Of course Mom is there to make sure it doesn't turn into a real fight and to talk about how it's not good to hear each other.

The consequence for running sounds good to me. If they buck the couch, perhaps let them choose a 'cool down" place. DS2 will often choose his bed, whereas DS1 likes Dads chair and DD likes the couch.

HTH a little. Sometimes it can be so hard to come up w/ family rules and consequences. I've been working on GBD for 2 years and still have a hard time w/ it.
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Old 11-28-2007, 05:08 PM   #3
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences

I'd like to hear the answers as well
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Old 11-28-2007, 05:21 PM   #4
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences

We have to have house rules for our foster parenting paperwork, so I think I'm going to sub to this thread. Right now we don't have any hard and fast house rules beyond "you hit/you sit"
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Old 11-28-2007, 05:24 PM   #5
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences

I think it's really situation dependent. To address a toddler running in the house, I'd use redirection and offering other physical outlets. For an 8yo, it's going to be a reminder to stop and why (the potential natural consequences of people or things getting hurt or broken). Further activity by the toddler is more redirection, further activity by the 8yo is a choice to find a sitting activity inside or scoot out the door.

The same basic answers would apply to being violent with others.

Disobeying would usually result in goyb/make it happen for any age.

Speaking disrespectfully in a little guy would result in role play, modeling, and reminders. An older child would have a choice - speak respectfully or go away, basically.

I hope that is a little bit helpful.
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Old 11-28-2007, 06:02 PM   #6
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences

You're still using the word "consequences" in a slightly punitive way What I would encourage you to do is consider each of those things a mess that your child needs to clean up and ask yourself how they can clean it up. For example, if a child runs in the house when it's a stated and known rule not to I'd have them go back to the start and walk the walk. Talking rudely is cleaned up by making amends and speaking respectfully.

What do you want to TEACH?
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Old 11-28-2007, 07:37 PM   #7
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences


You could ask them "Are you supposed to be doing that?" or "Why?" and put it back on them for the answers so you aren't talking at them but with them.

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Old 11-28-2007, 07:55 PM   #8
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences

For disrespectful speech I'll often have ds try again and I'll give him a script if he seems unsure of how to rephrase. We have a "gentle words" expectation that I will remind him of sometimes.

Hitting really bothers me. Ds 4 is doing this more lately. He has to make amends or apologize, whether he was mad or just acting crazy and accidentally smacked me. That's our "gentle hands" expectation.

We still do a good deal of playful parenting and helping to make sure he does what he's asked, but we have seen improvements. He likes choices too, so we'll tell him he can do what needs to be done this way or that way (for example the toys can roll into the box or they can jump in--ds can pick). I guess the consequence for not doing something when asked is that he gets help to do it or the task gets done less quickly, etc but it still has to be done.

I'm not sure how that looks at different at ages though.
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Old 11-28-2007, 09:10 PM   #9
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences

Quote:
What do you want to TEACH?
I am not always entirely sure and that is most of my problem...
Quote:
For example, if a child runs in the house when it's a stated and known rule not to I'd have them go back to the start and walk the walk. Talking rudely is cleaned up by making amends and speaking respectfully.
I like these ideas and I do usually redirect with respectful speech - when I can keep my cool long enough. The running idea will be interesting - I am not sure if that will work or not , but we will give it a try tomorrow.... most of the time I need the kids to just calm down, but it is really hard to get them to that - the only way is that they get "in trouble". Very punitive. I try saying things like "you need to calm down now. go sit on the couch and look at a book. you sit here. your sister is going to sit on the other couch. you need to stay here and not play with her because you two were playing too rough/jumping on the furniture/not listening to my instructions, etc." I don't really know any other way to defuse the situations that arise here. Ds2 has especially been testing me lately. I will say something like "I am going down to the basement to put the laundry in, you need to sit at the table, listen to this tape and paint until I come back." I will come back 3 minutes later and he has invited his sister under the table to dump all the crayons on the floor, take the wrappers off and break them into tiny pieces. It is situations like this that just drain me all day long. "Your brother is sleeping and I need you to not wake him up. You must play in the playroom " several reminders later, I leave them for less than a minute and ds2 has led his sister on a noisy yelling charge into my bedroom where the baby is sleeping. I am sure that ds2 needs more positive attention and I am trying to give him whatever time that I have, but I just end up so frustrated with him sometimes - he is literally bouncing off the walls! I need to have a very do-able plan in effect.
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Old 11-28-2007, 09:20 PM   #10
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences

IRT your post right above mine, when mine are acting wild, I send them outside. I do not care how the weather is. They just need to go outdoors.
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Old 11-28-2007, 10:06 PM   #11
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences

Quote:
when mine are acting wild, I send them outside. I do not care how the weather is. They just need to go outdoors.
we live in the city and the only way for them to go outside is with me or dh. That is, in my mind, a huge part of the problem. There are not a lot of opportunities for them to burn off energy within the rules. I try to do things with them that are acceptable sources of physical fun, but that is not always possible, especially this time of year with a baby, etc. And it definitely doesn't help me to cook dinner, do the laundry, and the rest of my stuff!
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Old 11-28-2007, 10:24 PM   #12
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamacheetah
Quote:
when mine are acting wild, I send them outside. I do not care how the weather is. They just need to go outdoors.
we live in the city and the only way for them to go outside is with me or dh. That is, in my mind, a huge part of the problem. There are not a lot of opportunities for them to burn off energy within the rules. I try to do things with them that are acceptable sources of physical fun, but that is not always possible, especially this time of year with a baby, etc. And it definitely doesn't help me to cook dinner, do the laundry, and the rest of my stuff!
That must be really hard! I can see how that would not be much help to you, then.
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Old 11-28-2007, 10:55 PM   #13
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Default Re: List of family rules and consequences

we did apartment living with children and, tbh, you just have to create opportunities. You can get little climbers that fit in a room; we insisted they jump on the bed ; wrestling with daddy when he got home was a daily event; and we went to the park whenever we could. It is definitely a tough situation, but they don't stop being children just because of where we live
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