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Old 10-01-2007, 09:39 PM   #1
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Default Collected Past Posts about Screaming

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Title: screaming 3 yo
Post by: GotMyHeartFull on March 23, 2005, 01:58:37 PM
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my son will be 4 in June. When he gets angry he will scream at the top of his lungs. Over anything. If he gets in trouble, screams. If he can't find something, screams. Even if it is a little thing (to us) and we offer to help with whatever is frustrating him still the same.
Help


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Title: Re: screaming 3 yo
Post by: Radosny Matka on March 23, 2005, 02:13:54 PM
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Nathaniel is allowed to be upset and voice his upset, but he is not allowed to scream at the top of his lungs. If he does, he is brought to his room and told, "You may scream all you like here. When you are done, come get me." When he starts to calm down, I will go get him if he doesn't come out.


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Title: Re: screaming 3 yo
Post by: Joanne on March 23, 2005, 02:17:21 PM
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Let's see. I'll throw out some ideas and you can see what might work for you and his personality.

First, I'd work on coaching him through better anger management. Name his feelings "You are mad", "You are sad" "You are frustrated". Give him appropriate ways to express them. "You may say "Mom, I don't like that." Or designate a safe place for him to stomp his feet 5 times (the limits are important). Or a punching bag.

When he does scream, say "You may be angry. You may not make noise that hurts others." Give him a chance to stop. If he doesn't, move him to a designated "Quieting place".

The "Quieting Place" is a place for him to have freedom within limits. Don't give him an arbitrary imposed time, but leave it up to him to exit the "Quieting Place" when he's calmed down.

Tell him, directly and often that he can not change your mind with loudness. If you *have* in the past given in, you will need to invest even more time "retraining" him. If you've given in before, he might think that his POWER OF VOICE will again change your mind.

Do find appropriate times and places for him to experiement with volume changes.

Check to see if there are too many "no's" in his life. Or too few. Consider changing some of the "No's" to "dangerous!" or "hot!" or "sharp". He's a bit older, so you can also include things like "Impolite", "unkind" and "rude".

Meet his screams with moderate, even understated tones. Take away the power they have to create reaction.

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Title: Re: screaming 3 yo
Post by: Allison on March 23, 2005, 07:53:02 PM
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My 3.5 yr old (4 in August) is apt to scream out of frustration. He doesn't scream when I discipline him gently. When I'm impatient, he screams. Before I leave the room he is in I tell him that he is to come and get me if he needs help with anything. If I don't remind him to ask me for help when he needs it, he will get upset by not being able to work a toy correctly and scream. When he knows that I will help him, he stays calm through his frustration and disappointment.
And then there are times when he's not feeling well--tired, hungry, sick, over stimulated, embarrassed--that he just going to let out how he feels. And that is encouraged. I reflect his feelings and try to get to the bottom of how he's feeling.
Mostly, I find that his behaviour is directly related to mine. If mama isn't happy, no one is happy. It's a lesson I repeat all too often. :-(


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Title: Re: screaming 3 yo
Post by: GotMyHeartFull on March 24, 2005, 07:38:12 AM
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thanks for the tips. I appreciate it.

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Title: screetching
Post by: eoconnel on March 23, 2005, 11:54:58 AM
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Emma has started screetching at the top of lungs. She tends to do it when she wants something and is getting upset. I have tried ignoring it, but she is continuing to do it. What can I do to break her of the habit, if anything?


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Title: Re: screetching
Post by: sadie on March 23, 2005, 12:05:17 PM
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No advice, but dd has started doing the same thing, so I'll be watching for answers.


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Title: Re: screetching
Post by: eoconnel on March 23, 2005, 12:34:49 PM
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I think that Emma is going to break the glass in the windows. Is that how it is with you?


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Title: Re: screetching
Post by: MarynMunchkins on March 23, 2005, 02:00:16 PM
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Colin does this. So far I just whisper "Shh! Quiet voice." or "That's too loud. Use an inside voice."

It hasn't helped but I think it will in the future. They outgrow it.


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Title: Re: screetching
Post by: Joanne on March 23, 2005, 02:26:42 PM
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Give her the words "You want a banana" and teach her baby signs.

And wait. Give the minimum amount of time and attention to screaching.


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Title: Re: screetching
Post by: jujubnme on March 23, 2005, 02:42:44 PM
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Yes, baby signs helped us a lot. Besides giving him words and signs for what he wanted, I also always started by saying, "Say 'Mama'." (Not necessarily waiting for him to repeat, but trying to associate 'Mama' with requests for help.) It did help. My sister did this with her kids too, and we were always a little amused when her dd would point at something, screech, and then very sweetly say, "Mama." Be encouraged; for us this stage didn't last too long.


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Title: Re: screetching
Post by: sadie on March 23, 2005, 02:59:16 PM
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Yes, Elizabeth, she can get pretty loud. I always tell dh, I can't believe someone so little can make such big noises.

I like "say mama." She is getting very verbal and is interested in language, so she will probably pay attention when I say it (fingers crossed that she will understand it in a few months)

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Title: Screaming NO!!!!!!!!
Post by: Close2MyHeart on March 28, 2005, 07:39:53 AM
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My almost 3 yo son has taken to SCREAMING at us whenever we want him to do something he doesn't. Like yesterday at church. I saw that the sermon was wrapping up, so I said "It's almost time to go," and he looked at me and screamed "NO! I don't want to go " and he just kept screaming and threw a toy he was playing with. I took him to pick it up and took him onto my lap and calmed him down a bit and then he was okay with leaving. But it was so embarrassing to have him screaming like that. It was a new church and we don't know anyone there. I could feel the stares I think I handled it okay, but is there anyway to avoid these all together? What should I do?? DH is saying we need to start spanking him for those outbursts and I don't agree, but am at a loss. He can be downright disrespectful and that really bothers me.

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Title: Re: Screaming NO!!!!!!!!
Post by: schoolofmom on March 28, 2005, 09:29:38 AM
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Actually, this thread (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...p?topic=2188.0) might have some suggestions that would help. Strong emotional reactions are pretty typical for a three-year-old.

About this specific situation: maybe you could "play church" at home to teach him what to expect at the end of a service? Since it's a new church, maybe he's reacting to the different setting & change in routine. And, hey, it's cool that he likes being at church so much!

I don't think there's any way to avoid embarrassing moments as a parent altogether. It's a long journey with many many stops in Humiliation Town. Remind your dh that spanking in the heat of embarrassment is not any better than spanking in the heat of anger (if he brings it up again, which maybe he won't since he was still embarrassed when he suggested it).

And You did handle it okay! In fact, you handled it really well!

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Title: Re: Screaming NO!!!!!!!!
Post by: Danette on March 28, 2005, 10:20:45 AM
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I agree Jocelyn.

I remember when my son was that age... I gave him some money for the offering. When the plate was being passed he wouldn't put the money in so I helped him put it in the plate and said the money was for Jesus. He then screamed "Jesus took my money!!" Over and over... I was so embarrassed. It makes me laugh now. I learned from that experience that if a child doesn't want to put money in the plate then just let the plate go on by.

I think to avoid experiences like the one you described that I wouldn't whisper anything to my child if it wasn't the right time for them to answer you back.... At age 3 they don't get that if you whisper they should whisper too.

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Title: Re: Screaming NO!!!!!!!!
Post by: Close2MyHeart on March 28, 2005, 10:37:39 AM
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Thank you Jocelyn!! That other thread did help a lot. And thanks for the encouragment!

ROTFL Danete!! That is hilarious!!! I would have been so embarrassed at the time, but laughed later too!! lol!

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Title: Re: Screaming NO!!!!!!!!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 28, 2005, 10:39:09 AM
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that is so funny, Danette

Another thing that helps is giving 5 minute warnings. After doing it for some time I can just hold up my "5" hand and the kids know what that means--it means "finish your ideas, we're about to leave". And at 3 I usually have them "say goodbye" when they don't want to leave--to the pew, the church, people we pass, the floor--whatever they want

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Title: Re: Screaming NO!!!!!!!!
Post by: palil on March 28, 2005, 11:22:13 AM
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Quote
spanking in the heat of embarrassment is not any better than spanking in the heat of anger

Well put. I've seen that expressed many times before, but that's a concise and poignant way to state it.

I think it does help to present it as "pick one more thing you want to do before we leave" or "it's time to start saying goodbye to the toys" in an upbeat voice. My ds still may have a big reaction, but it's short-er lived, and often he will focus on my suggestion rather than on the impending departure.

It can be really embarrassing! When we were at my parents' house this week, ds one was arguing with me and yelling.. stuff that would have earned an immediate spanking when we were growing up. I was just trying to handle it the way I usually do, and avoid making eye contact with my parents in the meantime. I did, however, accidently catch a glimpse of my Mom's face as I was hauling ds away from the dinner table and taking him to the back room. YIKES! I'm sure it was hard for her not to say anything, and I commend her for that, but the look on her face said it all. But you know, I talked to him, had him "practice" expressing his wants in a more respectful way, hugged him, and let him know what kind of behavior I expected when we went back out, and things were fine after that. (He had melted down b/c we were having veggie pizza and it was cut in small squares instead of triangular slices; he had never seen that before) I was proud of how he changed his behavior.

What I did was SO much better than a spanking version of the same scenario. It helps me to imagine the punitive version of whatever I'm doing... There are still big emotions and hurt feelings to deal with.. still crying and wailing... still frustration on the part of the parent (and I can easily imagine it b/c I grew up in a loving, but punitive home, the same as ours would be if I were spanking) The main thing is that there IS a lot of mistrust and fear that remains after the incicent is "finished." When I think of it that way, it makes it a lot easier to deal with the disapproval of other adults. You're doing a wonderful thing for your child.

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Title: Re: Screaming NO!!!!!!!!
Post by: Sara on March 28, 2005, 12:22:40 PM
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I thought you needed help because you were sreaming NO!

Quote from: schoolofmom on March 28, 2005, 09:29:38 AM

Quote:
I don't think there's any way to avoid embarrassing moments as a parent altogether. It's a long journey with many many stops in Humiliation Town.
This was just the laugh I needed today! Thanks!

Oh, Danette! I just read what you wrote - that is too funny! What a funny memory that will be when your little guy is a grown-up with children of his own.

And to the OP, I have nothing helpful to offer, but I do think you handled things just fine. I agree that it isn't possible to completely avoid embarrassing parent moments.

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Default Re: Collected Past Posts about Screaming

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Title: screaming and grabbing
Post by: gratefulmama on March 30, 2005, 03:12:32 PM
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I need advice on how to handle the following very common example:

We are playing with a friend, my 23 month old sees friend pick up an interesting toy so he goes to grab it, a tugging match ensues with my son screaching at the top of his longs and crying big pitiful tears. The moms break up the tug of war, each trying to give the toy to the other child (usually he had it first and my son is the grabber) but my ds carries on so that he almost always ends up getting what he wants. I don't think he is being manipulative it is just how he responds and it is proving to be effective b/c other parents feel sorry for him. Ds is usually quickly over it and then sees friend pick up a new interesting toy and it starts again.

How do I teach him not to grab toys from others and not to scream and cry?????

Right now I try my best to get him interested in something else but it is difficult and usually by then either the other parent has given it to him or the other child has moved on. We talk about it too, before and during the play time and sometimes that helps. What else can I do?


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Title: Re: screaming and grabbing
Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 30, 2005, 08:05:12 PM
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He's not manipulating now but if he keeps getting it because of the screaming he will learn to :/ I'd introduce taking turns and make sure you keep him distracted as best you can until it's his turn--even if it's a minute or two

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Title: Re: screaming and grabbing
Post by: Joanne on March 30, 2005, 10:12:46 PM
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I would not let the other adult give it to your child. I would be kind and firm. "It's Joe's turn". "It's hard to wait".

Even say "You are mad. You may not hurt our ears in your mad-being." Remove him if he doesn't calm down.

Make sure he gets his turn, but only when it is his turn.

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Title: Re: screaming and grabbing
Post by: gratefulmama on March 31, 2005, 04:05:15 PM
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Thank you, I can be more firm with not letting him get everything he grabs for, I think I will tell my friends in advance that we are working on this so they won't be so quick to let my son have his way.

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Title: SCREEEAMING 15 month old
Post by: Katydid on April 07, 2005, 04:09:11 PM
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Please help me with suggestions for teaching my son that it's not OK to scream. The last few days he has been screaming a lot (I am talking ear-piercing, blood curdling, migrane inducing screams! ), not just when he is upset, but also just for fun! I understand that he is learning to talk and exploring the different ways he can use his voice, but it is so loud and seriously gives me a headache! (he also woke up the baby I was baby-sitting for today, so I can just ignore it and hope it stops!) I have tried telling him in a quiet voice that "that's too loud, it hurts mommy's ears" I have tried gently putting my finger over his lips, but he just thinks that's funny I just don't know what to do. any suggestions would be helpful! TIA


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Title: Re: SCREEEAMING 15 month old
Post by: SillyMommy on April 07, 2005, 04:10:25 PM
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The only advice I have is to ignore it. He's just too young to understand "inside/outside voices." Hopefully it will pass quickly - hang in there!


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Title: Re: SCREEEAMING 15 month old
Post by: chelsea on April 07, 2005, 04:39:24 PM
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I'll be watching this thread carefully! I had to leave a restaurant today when my 16-month-old screamed continuously at the top of his lungs (his straw fell on the floor and he was NOT happy). He has been screaming the past few days when he is unhappy about something. I'm assuming it's just a phase, and sooner or later he will find a new way to express his feelings.


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Title: Re: SCREEEAMING 15 month old
Post by: Joanne on April 08, 2005, 05:57:36 AM
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Quote:
The only advice I have is to ignore it. He's just too young to understand "inside/outside voices." Hopefully it will pass quickly - hang in there!
I agree that time is the best remedy for this. However, I do think that you have more active options to consider.

One is to introduce many more feeling words and baby signs. Teach an appropriate way to show excitement. The words and signs offer more ways to appropriately communicate.

Another is to practice sound levels together. A young toddler *can* begin to understand "outside voice" or "whisper voice" or "Library voice" or "Yippee sounds". Role play, have fun. Teach modulation as a skill and not as a punishment.


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Title: Re: SCREEEAMING 15 month old
Post by: Katydid on April 08, 2005, 06:18:45 AM
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Quote from: Joanne on April 08, 2005, 05:57:36 AM

Quote:
One is to introduce many more feeling words and baby signs. Teach an appropriate way to show excitement. The words and signs offer more ways to appropriately communicate.
Thank you for this... that makes sense... I think I was just focusing mostly on the noise (kinda hard not to ) and not the feeling behind it. So, just to get this straight, you are saying when he screams out of excitement, I should say something like "Oh, I see that you are very excited about X" and maybe show him a sign appropriate to his emotion? Should I work on noise level at all while it's happening, or just focus on the emotions until he seems to get a better grasp on "too loud"?
Thanks for the responses so far!

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Title: Screaming and name calling
Post by: FlyinKiwi on April 08, 2005, 02:04:54 AM
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Dh and I are both at our wits end with the girls. We both so feel like spanking them all!! We haven't spanked in five years so this is a huge addmition for us. It seems like all day they are screaming at each other and at us. I'm an idiot, a silly, a bad stupid mummy ... etc! If one thing goes wrong ... like the computer game wont work properly (like they want), or if I cannot get them a drink *right now* all hell breaks loose! I've been hit, bitten (by the 4yo - she'll be 5 in 3 weeks), yelled at, screamed at for just getting them they wrong coloured handkerchief!

Things we have tried: for the older two (8 and 6) they go and sit on their bed until they can stop screaming/hitting etc. This works for the 8yo, but the 6yo hits and screams louder. I cannot bear hug her, she is way to strong for me. The 4yo I have tried the bear hug for 5-10 minutes -- it worked (as in she calmed down) once! the other times I had to just let her go before she hurt me

Here is another example: miss 4 wanted a drink, dh had already told her to start her bedtime routine (toilet, teeth etc) so he was about to say that she could have one after she'd been to the toilet, he didn't even get half his sentence out before she was screaming that he was a bad horrible daddy! He tried the bear hug and her screaming escalated (he almost needed ear plugs - no joke!) so he gave up.

Please, we really need your help and prayers. I know there is a lot of adjustments going on, but this behaviour is not acceptable and needs to stop! That's all of us hissyfitting at the same time

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: Quietspirit on April 08, 2005, 05:30:28 AM
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What types of adjustments are you referring to? That will help me with giving some advice.

In general (without knowing the answer to the above), it sounds like they are needing really firm boundaries. If the 6 year old screams and hits in her room, so be it. Don't stay in there with her if she is doing that. "I will not allow you to hurt me" said as you are walking out of the room. Hold the door closed if you must (reassure her verbally that you are there). Or leave the bedroom area entirely.

"Calling me names is wrong in this home. You may go to your room if you want to scream and act ugly." Help her there if she needs it.

With my eldest two children (ages 10, 7) they are able to understand "if/then" so we can do logical consequences. "you hit you sit" works really really well in our home.

I'll try to answer more specifically after you've helped me understand what's going on in terms of adjustments.

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: Joanne on April 08, 2005, 05:33:28 AM
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When things get like that in my house (and they do), it's usually one of two things.

One is that I've been too punitive, adversarial or unkind.

Or the other is that I've been too lax, permssive, inconsistent and um, lazy.

That may not apply to your life. Oh, and TV the amount of TV watching and junk food is also a big factor.

With their ages, I'd say a choice to scream is a choice to lose the next "good" thing on the list and also a choice to have contact and interaction limited. A natural/logical consequence to rude behavior is that you won't have much company.

I'd also consider finding a related or logical way for a school aged child to make amends for screaming. It hurts people's ears and isn't respectful. So, they need a way to respectfully be kind. Singing a hymn comes to mind.

I'd prayerfully consider if I've been too lax or too difficult. And I'd make changes based on that.

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: Quietspirit on April 08, 2005, 05:38:03 AM
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That has been so true in my own home, especially in terms of how I have been parenting affecting my children. The other day I was way too involved with GCM and other stuff and my children's behavior was atrocious!!! I finally realized that they needed my attention and I was not giving it.

I like Joanne's suggestions for making amends. We do that as well with our older children (5 and up)

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: ShangriLewis on April 08, 2005, 12:18:50 PM
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I'd say you are probably being too permissive. When my boys act like that we are usually being to permissive and they aren't getting enough playtime. I suggest cutting out all tv and game time. If the kids want a game they can play a board game. Also, mandatory play time. I'm outside right now and the boys are getting out all their energy. It's like a do-over for the whole family. Take the kids to the library and let them all pic out books and put them in their own bag. Sit on the couch or on a blanket outside and read to them. Go to the beach and lay around together. Go to the playground and take a bunch of food so you don't have to leave for lunch. Let them pick out some of their favorite snacks. For us that means 100% juice capri-suns..the kids will do anything for one of those.

Take a week to relax and unwind and work on a better structure for your family.

At least that's what has been going on around here. I've been working on creating some more structure because my oldest really needs some. And, don't forget to take care of yourself..it's hard being pregnant with kids running around. I bet you just want to take a really long nap.

Heather


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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: FlyinKiwi on April 08, 2005, 03:24:33 PM
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Quote from: Quietspirit on April 08, 2005, 05:30:28 AM
Quote:
What types of adjustments are you referring to? That will help me with giving some advice.
The adjustments are me being pg - getting over m/s and preparing to move internationally in just over 7 weeks time.

Thanks for your ideas I'm sure I'll be puting some into action very soon!!

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 08, 2005, 04:24:15 PM
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everything good has already been said so I'll just give

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: ShangriLewis on April 08, 2005, 04:37:33 PM
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Sarah are you the one who is always moving? Do the kids know you are moving again?

Just curious
Heather

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: FlyinKiwi on April 08, 2005, 05:01:34 PM
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Quote from: ShangriLewis on April 08, 2005, 04:37:33 PM
Quote:
Sarah are you the one who is always moving? Do the kids know you are moving again?

Just curious
Heather
Yes Heather, it's us who are always moving (well it seems like it!) The girls know we are moving and are excited about it. We have a chart on the wall where we mark of the weeks as they fly by. We have been in this house the longest ever - 14 months (will be almost 16 mths when we move!!!).

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Title: Re: Screaming and name calling
Post by: Quietspirit on April 08, 2005, 08:28:28 PM
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You have a TON on your plate right now. That must feel so overwhelming.
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Default Re: Collected Past Posts about Screaming

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Title: Screaming 2yr old.....HELP!!
Post by: mom2chrisnluke on May 19, 2005, 08:58:56 AM
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I have a 2 yr old with some BIG emotions or just firgured out if you scream at the top of your lungs most people will drop what they are doing and do what you want. This is incredibly frustrating to say the least escpecially if we are out anywhere. I broke down today and scream at the top of my lungs right back then felt like a terrible mom escpecially when I realized the back door was open and I am sure the whole neighborhood thought I was being killed. I have tried talking calmly and asking him to use his words which works half the time but some times after the 20th time he has done it I just can't stand it anymore and usually yell or get mad. Is there any other techniques tht work well for this? I hate losing my cool but it is so hard to hear the ear peircing scream so much. You would think I was chopping off a limb. If there is no help and it is just something a 2 yr old does and I need to cope, how do you cope? TIA

Leah


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Title: Re: Screaming 2yr old.....HELP!!
Post by: 4LovesMom on May 19, 2005, 09:11:22 AM
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Can I join in looking for some wisdom since I have the EXACT same problem with our 23-m.o. dd? Even when I respond quietly (though I've done the same reactionary scream you described) she just persists. And she doesn't know enough words still to tell me what she wants (if anything).


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Title: Re: Screaming 2yr old.....HELP!!
Post by: ThreeJane on May 19, 2005, 09:21:46 AM
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I, too, would like to join in. My almost 2 year old DD (2 in end of July) is a screamer...pardon me, a SCREECHER! She has no patience, no tolerance, no time for anything. When she's sweet, she's but when's she's mad, she's and you never know which one it's going to be! I've tried redirecting, reasoning, the whole bit. She always seems to keep the SCREECHING until we're someplace like, say, a restaurant...or church *during prayer* and so forth.

Any help would surely be appreciated.


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Title: Re: Screaming 2yr old.....HELP!!
Post by: schoolofmom on May 19, 2005, 11:04:48 AM
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Title: Re: Screaming 2yr old.....HELP!!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 19, 2005, 11:05:43 AM
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Obviously this is typical 2

Some ideas: Screaming is for your bedroom or outside. Redirect them to one of these places when they are screaming.
Play games involving volume control and actively teach "indoor voice" AND "asking for something voice"
Keep your cool

Honestly--detach from the noise and the intensity and be a safe harbor where he can drop anchor in the storm of his emotions. When he's ready he'll come to you This is the stage where we can learn that we don't have to fix everything--we can have our boundaries and they can feel how they want to about it. We certainly need to teach them appropriate responses, but that's a gradual process and they will learn (and as they learn *and* mature they outgrow this stage ).

It's most embarrassing when it happens in public and those are the moments I scoop my child up and remove us to a safe place for them to have their feelings--out of the public eye for both of us.


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Default Re: Collected Past Posts about Screaming

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Title: 2 year old screaming
Post by: toymama on October 13, 2005, 11:14:05 AM
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Andrew just turned 2 last month. Lately he has started screaming alot (more like shrieking) all the time. I have noticed he does it when he is excited or when he is mad. I don't mind kids being loud sometimes but the high pitch scream out of nowhere drives me crazy. I have tried to talk quietly to him and explained the inside, outside voice, but when try to talk quietly to him, he can't hear me because he is being so loud.

This is the situation we are having a problem with now. When I pick my boys up from daycare they both sit in the back. Austin loves to talk and usually talks about his day all the way home. Andrew started screaming one day and Austin started throwing a fit because he didn't want to hear the screaming. At that minute I seen Andrew's eyes light up. He loved that he could get that reaction out of Austin. That was 3 weeks ago and almost every day we go through the same thing. I have tried to talk to Austin about the way he responds but he isn't getting it. It's to the point now that as soon as Austin opens his mouth, Andrew starts screaming.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. I have tried singing a song, talking to both of them and ignoring the whole thing.


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Title: Re: 2 year old screaming
Post by: Senta on October 13, 2005, 11:16:08 AM
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man, no advice but i can empathize with the screaming... since i just have christel it isnt causing any other breakdowns though... that you figure it out.. bring andrew over here and he and christel can have a screaming contest to see who shatters the windows first!


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Title: Re: 2 year old screaming
Post by: OpalsMom on October 13, 2005, 01:20:00 PM
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Try having screaming time. We don't scream in the car. We have to get all our screaming done before we get in the car. Scream now! Louder than that! Is that all the screams? You sure? Just one more! Ok, we're all done screaming, let's get in the car and go. No screaming now, we're in the car. You can scream when we get home, before we go inside. You may have to also stop the car if there's screaming.

I have to admit, I haven't done this with screaming, just with kicking during diaper changes, although I've heard people say it worked for them. I did once teach a cat not to yowl for food while I was cooking with a variation of this trick though (taught it to yowl back whenever I yowled, then stopped yowling, and then only yowled first when I was willing to play.)


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Title: Re: 2 year old screaming
Post by: MarynMunchkins on October 13, 2005, 01:26:29 PM
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I constantly play music in the car to help keep the screaming at bay. Honestly, the major reason we bought a van was so that no one could reach each other to hit them when it got too loud.


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Title: Re: 2 year old screaming
Post by: toymama on October 13, 2005, 02:38:14 PM
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Quote from: MarynMunchkins on October 13, 2005, 01:26:29 PM
I constantly play music in the car to help keep the screaming at bay. Honestly, the major reason we bought a van was so that no one could reach each other to hit them when it got too loud.


I have thought about putting Austin's seat up front for that reason. The screaming usually leads into hitting.

I have tried singing that song JohnJacobJingle..... were you scream loud at the end but I've done that in the car. I'll try doing it before we get in. But it sometimes when I talk to Andrew it's like he is looking right past me. I know he understands me but he doesn't want to listen at all. When I tell him to use his quiet voice he screams louder.

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Title: 14 month old screaming - help!
Post by: meldogsun on October 14, 2005, 09:54:58 AM
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Hey, there. I'm a newbie from DC and this is my first post, so here goes...

My daughter has just started these ear-piercing screams. Sometimes it's to get our attention while eating that she wants more (she normally does sign language, but if we're not intentionally staring at her, we may not see it the first time.) Sometimes she just shrieks when she's happy. But the main frustration is when she doesn't get her way. I've tried to communicate through signs that it "hurts mommy's ears." I'm trying to do the inside/outside voice distinction, but I don't think she's going to understand that anytime soon. I'm reflecting feelings, but it doesn't necessarily make the screaming stop. I've also done the "silent scream" face which she thinks is funny, but this last time, I didn't have the humor in me to do it. Plus the timing was bad - one of our housemates was making an important phone call and I just needed to get her out of the room.

And I'm not happy with my reaction. When that scream hits my ear drums, it triggers a reaction from me similar to if someone slaps you in the face. I realize that she's not purposely trying to hurt me or make me upset (though I wonder when she does it the next time and then shakes her head "no" like she knows she's not supposed to do it.) My response is to hold a grudge almost - like she did this 15 minutes ago, my ears are still ringing a bit and I'm mad at her and therefore giving her bare minimum interaction. I want her to play by herself and give me space (can't wait til she's old enough for the comfort corner, although I think I may be using it more than her...). And I think she can tell because she does this "look at how cute I am" face to get my attention. (Does God ever "need space" from us? Poor guy should....)

Anyway, I'm just at a loss as to what to do and I'd love some of the "GCM great ideas" that I've found in the last few months of my lurking.

Appreciate your time and response,
melanie

PS Speaking of time, how does everybody find the time to spend on the computer? If my daughter's awake, she wants to be in my lap playing with it which I don't let her, so I feel like she's going to resent me/it. And if she's napping (which isn't long) I've got other stuff to do.

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Title: Re: 14 month old screaming - help!
Post by: Wonder Woman on October 14, 2005, 10:04:45 AM
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Quote
Speaking of time, how does everybody find the time to spend on the computer? If my daughter's awake, she wants to be in my lap playing with it which I don't let her, so I feel like she's going to resent me/it.

my ds nurses at keyboard all the time so that's why I have a high post count

What I did with ds was teach him "when you feel like screaming, do this" and shook my head back and forth and made a raspberry sound. He was around your dd's age when it really started working. He still does that.

He was very verbal, though, and I knew he understood what I was saying. And we had to be very consistent with it - every single scream.

Got some weird looks in public for doing it, though!


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Title: Re: 14 month old screaming - help!
Post by: MarynMunchkins on October 14, 2005, 10:12:17 AM
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Remember she is screaming *because* she doesn't have those verbal skills. If she had them, she'd just tell you what was wrong. I'd work on the signs and naming objects. Her verbal development will make the most difference in stopping the screaming.

And ear plugs aren't a bad idea.
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Title: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: poleidopy on November 01, 2006, 08:31:54 PM
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Today DS was in the living room & I was in the kitchen (next room over) the friend who was over last week criticizing, no I mean *voicing her concerns over my lax parenting* was standing between me & DS. DS shrieked this high-pitched, "trying to get mama's attention" scream. TBH - I didn't really hear it, I've been so stressed lately i kinda tuned it out. So I stuck my head in the doorway to see what he wanted, he wanted to ask me if he could go outside. I said "No, right now we are playing inside! Here, here is your blue ball to play with." and he was fine. This friend was like "You WANT him screaming for you like that! You want him being rude and hurting your ears?!" I was just so fed up and having such a bad day, I had to bite my tongue as to what I FELT like saying to her. Instead, I just said :Yes, I really don't mind. I had tuned him out and he failed to get my attention any other way, so I would rather he yelled for my attention than just went outside by himself." Ugh. It stinks so bad when she questions my every decision. BUT...as hard as it is, i have TOTALLY rubbed off on her AND her DH!!!! They are both more gentle. They are both more patient. And they have cut out the spanking by about 98% and instead of telling their DS to do something and then spanking him, they have even started doing the 5 steps! (they just don't know it ) SO cool! PTL! I hope to continue rubbing off on her with my weird parenting...bwahahahaha!!!

Oh, I guess my question was what should I do when DS screams? He does it a lot. He screams when he wants something. He screams when he can't have it. he screams when it's bedtime & he's not tired. He screams when i hold his hands to keep him from scratching his eczema until he is oozing and bleeding. he screams when he's having fun. I usually ask him to use his words to tell me what he wants 7 screaming is for outside. I mean, what else am I supposed o do?


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: Kangababys Mom on November 01, 2006, 09:01:51 PM
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What I would do is respond to his screaming with gentle statments such as "when you scream like that it hurts mommy's ears. Can you ask quieter/nicer?" Once you set up the expectation that he is not to scream, don't listen when he screams, or say things like "what, you were so loud mommy couldn't understand what you were saying. Can you ask in an inside voice?" I wouldn't get angry over it, just not meet his demands while he is yelling, insist (gently) that he talks to you and others in an inside voice...unless he is outside

AFA your friend...I agree that children shouldn't yell at their parents for things...but I think you handled it appropriatly. You are right, better your son told you than gone outside w/o permission.


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: abbiroads on November 01, 2006, 09:19:08 PM
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I'm wondering when the ability to not scream is present. We have been working on this issue with ds for I think forever and he still screams-all the time.


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: canadiyank on November 01, 2006, 09:27:58 PM
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For screaming I say, "Try again with a quieter voice," and model that voice, or just, "Try again." Also, I have taught my dd to say, "Excuse me," and then wait, but that took awhile.


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: euromom on November 01, 2006, 09:42:08 PM
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My ds is a screamer too. Someone on here (can't remember who ) taught me about the "inside scream" It's a open your mouth, pretend like your screaming but no noise comes out scream. I taught this to ds so that when we are in places like a store or the library or even at home and he is getting real excited and screaming I can tell him "Inside scream" and he does a quite one!

I also tune things out easily so something I taught ds is to come and touch my arm or leg and say "mommy mommy" because him touching me gets me out of my zone and into realizing that he needs my attention. If he doesn't come up and physically touch me I may not even realize he is screaming to get my attention but him touching me helps me to know he needs me and I make it a point to stop whatever I am doing when he does that (actually comes and nugges me).

Other times when he screams I may just say "Words" and he knows to use words to tell me what he wants. I also tell him "Ouch, that hurts my ears!"

HTH


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: Titus2Momof4 on November 02, 2006, 05:45:46 AM
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OK when I first started reading your post, I was thinking "AGAIN? This same person is over at her house again and criticizing again?? Does this friend just get a rise out of it? Is the OP a "train wreck" to this friend??" Then I got to the part about how you have been rubbing off on her and now I am thinking, I seriously wonder if when she is critical like this, she is simply voicing her thoughts because she is truly interested in how a GD mama "thinks", kwim? Given what you've said, probably she is just asking questions, like we ask here, only, you have to be the target of her questions

As for the screaming- We have a shrieker too. No fun! I just keep telling him "Noah, no screaming...say stop/cup/outside/XYZ" and he DOES. It's like he just doesn't have the word for what he wants to say sometimes, so he shrieks. I give him the word to say, and he says it, so he's learning. Meanwhile, I know that it's a phase and as ear-piercing as it is he'll outgrow it when he has more words (he has LOTS of words, btw, and is very clever... but sometimes he has "feelings" and doesn't have the feeling word, or is so used to shrieking, he doesn't think to SAY his word first), and a little more impulse control to use his words first, and NOT shriek first.


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: palil on November 02, 2006, 06:17:05 AM
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You've already gotten some good suggestions for coaching, and it will take time for him to a) have enough words *to* use (and giving him scripts is a great opportunity to help him develop vocabulary!) and b) have the impulse control to catch himself before the scream comes out.

If you realize in the moment WHY he's screaming, I would also reflect that, and state your contribution to it if applicable. "You REALLY want to go outside. You've been trying to get my attention in other ways, and it wasn't working, so you screamed. I'm sorry. I'm listening now, so say it with words instead of screams."

With the having fun inside, maybe you can try to channel the screaming into words like "YEAH! ALRIGHT!" etc. and I LOVE the quiet scream idea for this scenario!

Also make sure he gets plenty of opportunities where he CAN scream if he wants... I have to catch myself sometimes cause even when the boys are outside I don't *want* them to scream, but I have to remind myself that they need that auditory outlet sometimes, and if I don't want it in the house, then... outside is the only option, so let er' rip!


Quote
He screams when i hold his hands to keep him from scratching his eczema until he is oozing and bleeding.


When he's screaming over something like this, it's not a disciplinary issue. I had a very servere rash reaction to something a few years back and had uncontrollable itching for 6 weeks. I thought I was going to lose my mind. It was literally IMPOSSIBLE to stop scratching sometimes, even though I *knew* the scratching made it hurt and itch worse. I was reduced to tears and loud vocal explanations of my grief and frustration many times and just wanted to put my fist through a wall when it was at it's worst. When my dh would try to MAKE me stop scratching he was just offering himself up as a target for my frustration. Straight up pain is much easier to deal with, IMO. Severe itching with no relief is torture. You probably know all this but I thought I would offer the reminder. We've been through the eczema thing with my oldest son, and I have to remind myself that the hostility he sometimes directs at me when I'm trying to treat it is not about bad behavior.. it's a manifestation of his pain and upset.


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: Quietspirit on November 02, 2006, 06:37:34 AM
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Quote
He screams when i hold his hands to keep him from scratching his eczema until he is oozing and bleeding

I'm just going to address the above. Don't do it. Eczema is like living with poison ivy 24/7. Holding his hands to prevent him from scratching is literally torturous. I know you're doing it from concern and to prevent damage. But it only inflames the situation and makes the itch worse because he can't get to it. Try preventative things instead. Sew soft cotton socks to the ends of his sleeves to cover his hands. He can then *rub* the itch but can't do damage. Try giving him a cold washcloth (VERY cold...we keep ours in the freezer) to put on the itch. Show him how to rub the itch not scratch it. Give him an ice cube to rub on the itch. Some people like very hot washcloths instead of cold. This makes the itch worse for my son, but it works for some people. We keep Aquaphor in the fridge so it is very cold and we put it on whenever he itches. He gets moisturized with Aquaphor or Cerave cream 5-8 times per day. But it has truly helped his skin. I have a routine...we moisturize 4 times per day (morning, late morning, afternoon, evening) and then we moisturize him whenever he itches as well. We also do not hesitate to use medication for the itching. My son takes either Benadryl or Atarax for itch most days, particularly at night. He has very severe eczema and, during flare ups, is often covered over 95% of his body.

Eczema is the "itch that rashes" so if you can find ways to lessen the itch without making a huge deal (hgue deal = holding hands, saying "don't scratch), you will help to improve his skin.


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: mama-hobbit on November 02, 2006, 07:18:10 AM
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Screaming people go into the bathroom here.

You can scream all you want in the bathroom, but nowhere else. If you start screaming outside of the bathroom you are told to stop, or go into the bathroom.

Usually it echos so loudly in the bathroom that the screaming stops pretty quick because... ITS SO LOUD.


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: palil on November 02, 2006, 07:34:15 AM
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Quote
We keep Aquaphor in the fridge so it is very cold and we put it on whenever he itches.

OT but that's a good idea... and so is the cold washcloth. I'll have to try that. I use Lavendar Shea Butter right now... everything else makes him scream cause it burns, and doesn't seem to help much anyway.... but putting it in the would be pointless cause you have to melt it in your hands before you rub it on. I'll try the cold Aquaphor.


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: Kangababys Mom on November 02, 2006, 07:46:46 AM
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I think I've read on here that some moms have had luck with Emu Oil on Eczema


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: pneumaphile on November 02, 2006, 08:15:14 AM
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You don't have to teach them to stop screaming. They figure it out as they get impulse control. It's obvious to them that the rest of the world does not go through life screaming at each other.

Sometimes in the grocery store, I'd try whispering to the kids to try to get them to whisper instead of scream - with some limited success at some times.

But what I learned is that they do it, they pretty much don't have to impulse control to not do it, it's irritating as all get-out, and then eventually they just stop and use words instead! It's a developmental stage, I think.


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: Quietspirit on November 02, 2006, 09:13:43 AM
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Screaming people go into the bathroom here

Her little one is very little for this though. I *think* he's only 2 or so.




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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: milkmommy on November 02, 2006, 09:32:01 AM
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It's obvious to them that the rest of the world does not go through life screaming at each other.

Ahh havent met my MIL then Is pretty clear she never learned screaming and throwing tantrums don't work, her voice has lowered over time but the whinning ect is still there. While I do think much of it is age I disagree that in "all" cases it just goes away on its own. DD screaming has gotten worse especially when we started "ingnoring it" (but I'm at a loss on what to do instead) her communcation has taken leaps and bounds but the screaming is worse... I'm trying tofigure out a possible organic cause...

Deanna


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: palil on November 02, 2006, 10:03:19 AM
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(( Deanna ))

I think it can resurface at times due to physical issues or emotional stress.

And I agree that it's more difficult if a child has an example in their life who *does* scream in response to anger or frustration. Whether it's a parent, a grandparent, a family friend, or another child... when they see/experience it coming from someone else, and especially if they see if happening without producing boundary-setting from other people, then it can be much harder to lead them by example even after they've passed the ages where some screaming is developmentally normal. :/


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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: abbiroads on November 02, 2006, 02:32:16 PM
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Quote from: milkmommy on November 02, 2006, 09:32:01 AM
Quote
It's obvious to them that the rest of the world does not go through life screaming at each other.

Ahh havent met my MIL then Is pretty clear she never learned screaming and throwing tantrums don't work, her voice has lowered over time but the whinning ect is still there. While I do think much of it is age I disagree that in "all" cases it just goes away on its own. DD screaming has gotten worse especially when we started "ingnoring it" (but I'm at a loss on what to do instead) her communcation has taken leaps and bounds but the screaming is worse... I'm trying tofigure out a possible organic cause...

Deanna

and I think this goes hand in hand with our "no" discussion
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