ETLDTD - week 7

monkeylicious · 08-28-2006, 11:22 AM

from Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey

ATTITUDE SHIFT: Harnessing the Power of Attention
REASON: Conflict offers an opportunity to teach
DISCIPLINE SKILL: Consequences
VALUE: Responsibility

*Whenever conflict arises, breathe deeply and remind yourself "conflict is an opportunity to teach and learn"

*Focus on Responding to conflict rather than trying to eliminate it

*When conflict occurs, ask yourself "what is my intent in this situation? Do I intend to make my child feel bad and pay for his crime?" or "Do I want to teach my child to reflect on his choices, change them and develop self control?"

*Start with yourself. Be a scientist of your own behavior. The next time you make a mistake, stop your punitive talk. Focus instead on these questions:
What choice did I make?
What happened as a result of my choice?
How did my choice and the results of it feel to me?
Did my choice achieve what I wanted?
What new strategies might serve me better?

*Allow yourself to feel the consequences of your choices. If you eat too much, forego the antacids. If you drink too much, forego the aspirin. This may help you in making future choices.

*Notice how often you blame others for your actions. The next time you catch yourself playing the blame game, stop. Take a deep breath and say, "I have a problem". From this position offer yourself empathy instead of harassment and proceed to solve your problem.

Decide if you have over relied on punishments and rewards as a means of discipline. If you have done so, be willing to change.

For the next consequence you deliver to your children, use empathy and self-control instead of threats lectures and moralizing. Use the GAMES technique.
G- Give guidance through limits, possible outcomes and choices
A- Allow the child to experience the consequences
M- Model self control
E- offer Empathy
S- help the child reflect on new Strategies

Pick one chronic problem you have been having. Instead of imposing consequences, use the problem solving PEACE plan
P- discern who owns the Problem
E- offer Empathy to the child who has made the poor choice
A- Ask the child to think "what do you think you are going to do?"
C- offer Choices and suggestions
E- Encourage the child to come up with her own solutions.

08-30-2006, 08:35 AM

wow, this one is CHOCK full... those acronyms are good, but will take mea while to remember

i need to be a scientist of my own behavior too

08-30-2006, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by puah

wow, this one is CHOCK full...

I thought the same thing!

I am behind since we have been on vacation and have just gotten back this week. I need to catch up from the past couple weeks, but I can tell already that this one is HUGE for me.

I'll be back...

08-30-2006, 10:12 AM

Lots to think about

Quote:

*Notice how often you blame others for your actions. The next time you catch yourself playing the blame game, stop. Take a deep breath and say, "I have a problem". From this position offer yourself empathy instead of harassment and proceed to solve your problem.

I love this . . . When I am upset, I have a problem. And the word "problem" implies that there is always a "solution" -- and the path to the solution is a path of empathy and grace. Not a game of finger-pointing. I think we blame others (or ourselves) as a shortcut that blinds us to solutions. Sometimes I don't want a solution; I'd rather hide my head in the sand and just blame someone. Trying to think of good examples here . . .

Quote:

Decide if you have over relied on punishments and rewards as a means of discipline. If you have done so, be willing to change.

I just wrote a big blog essay called Unconditional Love in my blog about some of this (inspired by lots of "unconditional love" talk around here), if anyone is interested . . .

SansSouci · 08-31-2006, 08:51 AM

I understand that it's a teaching moment. But I just don't get how to do that. I mean, if my dd is misbehaving, I have to stop the misbehavior... how do you teach?

I'm thinking I'm already teaching and just don't realize it?

mummy2boys · 09-02-2006, 01:58 AM

This week is full of lots of info

Hope I can keep up with it

Actaully am thinking of printing out the GAMES and PEACE acronyms and putting them on the fridge

monkeylicious · 09-05-2006, 04:51 PM

yay!!! we did it!

now i'm going to start at week one again... this time posting the weekly points somewhere that i will be able to consult them periodically during the day... (and dh can't help but see them!)

mummy2boys · 09-05-2006, 07:17 PM

WOO HOO!!!! Thanks for posting all of these too

08-28-2006, 11:22 AM	#1
monkeylicious Rose Garden here we go! Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: maryland Posts: 5,138	ETLDTD - week 7 from Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey ATTITUDE SHIFT: Harnessing the Power of Attention REASON: Conflict offers an opportunity to teach DISCIPLINE SKILL: Consequences VALUE: Responsibility Whenever conflict arises, breathe deeply and remind yourself "conflict is an opportunity to teach and learn" Focus on Responding to conflict rather than trying to eliminate it When conflict occurs, ask yourself "what is my intent in this situation? Do I intend to make my child feel bad and pay for his crime?" or "Do I want to teach my child to reflect on his choices, change them and develop self control?" Start with yourself. Be a scientist of your own behavior. The next time you make a mistake, stop your punitive talk. Focus instead on these questions: What choice did I make? What happened as a result of my choice? How did my choice and the results of it feel to me? Did my choice achieve what I wanted? What new strategies might serve me better? Allow yourself to feel the consequences of your choices. If you eat too much, forego the antacids. If you drink too much, forego the aspirin. This may help you in making future choices. Notice how often you blame others for your actions. The next time you catch yourself playing the blame game, stop. Take a deep breath and say, "I have a problem". From this position offer yourself empathy instead of harassment and proceed to solve your problem. Decide if you have over relied on punishments and rewards as a means of discipline. If you have done so, be willing to change. For the next consequence you deliver to your children, use empathy and self-control instead of threats lectures and moralizing. Use the GAMES technique. G- Give guidance through limits, possible outcomes and choices A- Allow the child to experience the consequences M- Model self control E- offer Empathy S- help the child reflect on new Strategies Pick one chronic problem you have been having. Instead of imposing consequences, use the problem solving PEACE plan P- discern who owns the Problem E- offer Empathy to the child who has made the poor choice A- Ask the child to think "what do you think you are going to do?" C- offer Choices and suggestions E- Encourage the child to come up with her own solutions. __________________ jennifer - formerly jhaud Air Force wife to Bill - 2001 mama to Genevieve aka gigi or monkey - aug 2004 mama to an angel in heaven - july 2005 mama to Evangeline aka evie(licious) - june 2007

08-30-2006, 08:35 AM	#2
puah Guest Posts: n/a	Re: ETLDTD - week 7 wow, this one is CHOCK full... those acronyms are good, but will take mea while to remember i need to be a scientist of my own behavior too

08-31-2006, 08:51 AM	#5
SansSouci Rose Garden Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 10,084	Re: ETLDTD - week 7 I understand that it's a teaching moment. But I just don't get how to do that. I mean, if my dd is misbehaving, I have to stop the misbehavior... how do you teach? I'm thinking I'm already teaching and just don't realize it? __________________ Elizabeth DYT 4, HSP, ISTJ married 18 years to ISTJ DD 14y/o ESFJ DS 12 y/o GF/CF/etc. & Recovering from Autism I Juice Plus+ and sharing it with others. Fruits & veggies in a capsule or soft-chew!

09-02-2006, 01:58 AM	#6
mummy2boys Moderator in We'd Love to Meet You, Let's Talk, High Need/Spirited Children, Joyous Homekeeping, and The Cookbook Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 16,027	Re: ETLDTD - week 7 This week is full of lots of info Hope I can keep up with it Actaully am thinking of printing out the GAMES and PEACE acronyms and putting them on the fridge __________________ Alysia Married to the love of my life Mama to 2 wonderful boys Waiting to meet 3 in heaven 2/2005, 5/2007 & 8/2011 Striving, with God's help, to be a gentle mother each day

09-05-2006, 04:51 PM	#7
monkeylicious Rose Garden here we go! Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: maryland Posts: 5,138	Re: ETLDTD - week 7 yay!!! we did it! now i'm going to start at week one again... this time posting the weekly points somewhere that i will be able to consult them periodically during the day... (and dh can't help but see them!) __________________ jennifer - formerly jhaud Air Force wife to Bill - 2001 mama to Genevieve aka gigi or monkey - aug 2004 mama to an angel in heaven - july 2005 mama to Evangeline aka evie(licious) - june 2007

09-05-2006, 07:17 PM	#8
mummy2boys Moderator in We'd Love to Meet You, Let's Talk, High Need/Spirited Children, Joyous Homekeeping, and The Cookbook Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 16,027	Re: ETLDTD - week 7 WOO HOO!!!! Thanks for posting all of these too __________________ Alysia Married to the love of my life Mama to 2 wonderful boys Waiting to meet 3 in heaven 2/2005, 5/2007 & 8/2011 Striving, with God's help, to be a gentle mother each day

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