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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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Old 04-20-2006, 11:21 AM   #1
Benjaminswife
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Default Strong Christians using Pearls

Okay, I just don't get it. I know people who I would say are strong Christians. They are very active in church, very active in Bible study...yet they follow the Pearls. I just don't get it. How could you be that close with walking with God and yet think what the Pearls preach is right. I keep going over it and over it in my head and it makes no sense. There has to be apart of them that feels the guilt from it. What do you guys think?

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Old 04-20-2006, 11:26 AM   #2
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

We have friends like that.

My theory is "because it works". It *sounds* so good, and when you have healthy, compliant children it produces almost instataneous results. And it looks good to other people, and it keeps you that much more able to "do the Lord's work" because your children are happy and compliant most of the time.

Because honestly, the people I know who use it have compliant children that don't require that much effort in the first place. Not that they're easy all the time, of course - but nothing in comparision.

I don't know anyone who has stopped using Pearl who has compliant children. In fact, most of them deal with children suffering from some degree of mental illness. :/ Whether that's impacted by the Pearls' teachings or just why they stopped, I'm not sure.
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Old 04-20-2006, 12:19 PM   #3
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

One thing I have learned is that not everything is as it seems....I learned this first hand working in the area I work in where I am privy to private medical records (including psychiatric) in a small community.

We see the outside of everything....but no matter how well you know someone, the intrinsic dealing within their family and personal life is something that is generally really private.

So, I judge very little by outward appearance.

I will say that in reading the Pearls materials and studying their doctrine versus the Bible, they are false teachers.....they project a humanistic condtioning method of parenting...not a Biblical one. The saddest thing to me is that I see very little Gospel in their teaching.....which is the cornerstone of our faith....how can you parent without a strong foundation in the Gospel? I simply do not understand.
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Old 04-20-2006, 12:29 PM   #4
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

The church I was reared in was made up of 'strong Christians', yet they embraced the very false doctrine of the rod

It is culturally engrained...it's been so accepted that unless and until it stops working for you, people don't question it.

It does look like it works at times. But I have too many stories to tell of what goes on behind the scenes
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Old 04-20-2006, 12:42 PM   #5
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

On couple I know IRL I know who think Pearl is the greatest thing since sliced bread may have sweet, compliant, well-behaved children -- but the kids have some *serious* character issues. . . they *will* keep trying to "get away with it" (when their parents aren't watching) and they are selfish and have attitude like I've never seen. . .except in Gothard-ites. You can *always* tell the Gothard people.. by their countenances (dour and strict) and 'tude.

And the other has children with unbelievable attitudes (holier than thou) -- that's probably picked up from the parents, though.

I could go on. . . . .
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Old 04-20-2006, 12:55 PM   #6
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

When I tried Pearls' teachings in my home, I thought I was strong in the Lord.

Actually I was strong in my denomination's doctrine and strong in legalism.

Now I am strong in the grace and knowledge of the Lord, which is a whole 'nother thing! And something beautiful, noble, and good that I can not teach to my children without abandoning legalism.

The Pearls are legalistic and behavioristic. They appeal to people who feel safer or holier with legalism (I should know).

But their teachings can't co-exist with grace.

It is freer out here, and nicer, letting God be the one who calls things righteous or not, leaning on Him and following Him, and bringing my little children along with me!
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Old 04-20-2006, 01:47 PM   #7
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

Another thing. . .they may *appear* strong. The outward appearance it very important. . .so, appearances *may* be just that. . .what they want us to see.
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Old 04-20-2006, 05:17 PM   #8
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

We can all have blind spots. Even mature Christians.

Most Christians I know, however, the older they get the less they adhere to rod=spank and child trainin philosophies such as the Pearls'.
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Old 04-20-2006, 06:10 PM   #9
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

Quote:
I thought I was strong in the Lord.

Actually I was strong in my denomination's doctrine and strong in legalism.
Bingo.

Quote:
We can all have blind spots. Even mature Christians.
and Bingo.

and if I may be so bold... maybe it would be easier to understand if we take a step back from defining people as "strong Christians" versus not. I grew up in an environment where that was emphasized, so I know it's not meant to be harmful , but I think it lends itself to comparisons among ourselves and feeling either inadequate or prideful based on where we think we fall on the "strong Christian" spectrum. I think when we apply it to other people (even intended in a complimentary way) we are assigning goodness to them in an "across the board" kind of way... wisdom, virtue, character, righteousness, purity, etc. ... whether or not we've actually observed all those fruits in their lives.

We each have strengths, gifts, personality traits, and life experiences that are unique to us, and we each have our own areas of wisdom and of weakness. That's why we are many different parts of one body.

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Old 04-20-2006, 07:46 PM   #10
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

Well said, palil.


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Old 04-20-2006, 08:40 PM   #11
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

Here's an ironic thought

I think the idea of "strong" Christian as opposed to "weak" Christian comes from Paul's comments in Romans about the weaker brother???? No???

If that is so then it might help to understand that the idea behind the "weaker" brother is "sick in the soul" meaning that something makes them feel sick in their soul. This is the expression of how they feel when they believe something to be sin. So Paul speaks of one brother who can eat meat sacrificed to idols because they know the idols are nothing and another brother who, when confronted with the idea of eating meat sacrificed to idols, feels sick in their soul.

Which means it is technically the people who identify everything as being sin and fear what will happen if their children are allowed to engage in normal age expected behavior who are the "weaker" brother--they are the ones who feel sick in their soul when these childish behaviors occur. SO the more rules and regulations by which one lives, the "weaker" a believer they are according to Paul
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Old 04-21-2006, 12:37 AM   #12
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

You guys have great insight. I think it is so easy to put on a "strong Christian" outside. I have seen that a lot in Christian circles. I guess I fall into a trap of seeing someone who appears to be a "strong" Christian and comparing myself to them. Like, they never miss church and I do, I MUST be a bad Christian. And it is really silly. We are all on our own path with Jesus.

I guess what just bugs me more than people just using Pearl methods is that they use them and they talk about how "biblical" it is or how "biblical" they are for using them. And those evil non-Christians who don't believe in "biblical" training who are against spanking are against them. When we all believe here that spanking is not biblical and not right. There ARE Christians who do agree with those non-Christians who don't spank.

I guess as someone said it is blind spot, which I know I have too.
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Old 04-21-2006, 05:35 AM   #13
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

I agree with the others, someone who appears to be "a strong Christian" might be using it as a facade, and in their private lives they are very different people. There are also "strong Christians" who allow themselves to be spoonfed things and don't question them.
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Old 04-21-2006, 07:51 AM   #14
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

Quote:
Like, they never miss church and I do, I MUST be a bad Christian.
And that inconsistency would throw me for a loop. For instance. . . one of the families I know who is a total Gothard family. . . .judgmental (very sweet about it, of course, but I wonder what she says about me), had that attitude of "holier than thou" and "I know more than you" (it was very subtle and definitely not 'in your face', though), and was . . . .just. . .a Gothard family (following the Pearl 'raise up a child' techniques). They know better, they are holier, they are wiser, etc. And I would be totally confused when they would skip church *a lot*(because she was kinda tired). .. I was even more confused (knowing as I do what Gothard says about clean houses) when I walked (or tried to walk) into her house and saw what I saw (it was. . . . . um. . .. not clean or tidy)! The three teenagers she had and bragged about constantly did nothing to help her with this situation. They could barely take care of themselves. There I was. . .expecting the perfection that had been (and was being) advertised. . .and I found. . . .human-ness. I was. . . . . . . . . confused. What was being 'advertised' was *not* what I was seeing! And I can say these things about *every* single one of these families, as I got to know them! There were so many inconsistencies. . . I was. . . .so confused! I mean. . .here they are, judging other people by their 'seperation', etc.. . . . and what I was *seeing* was so different!

It took me maturing as a Christian to really understand what was going on, accept it as "that's life!" and move on trying the best I could do, rather than what someone else said should be my best.
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Old 04-21-2006, 08:26 AM   #15
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Default Re: Strong Christians using Pearls

That is interesting about the Gothards. I don't think I know anyone that follows them, but then maybe I do but don't realize it.
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