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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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23. No posts harshly dissecting parenting moments of others since we desire to humbly cultivate a heart attitude of grace and not judgment towards other mamas. We all struggle at times as parents and have much to learn, and GCM's focus is to provide tools and information for each of us to parent more effectively. Posts voicing some frustration regarding choices made by others can be okay, but it needs to be within the overall context of seeking understanding or ideas for better responses in the future.

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Old 01-25-2006, 07:06 PM   #1
mommy2abigail
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Default The sad thing is...

That once you read about these methods (Ezzo-haven't read Pearl) they stick with you forever, even if you later decide you are totally against that method. I read Ezzo before I had Abby, and unfortunately, bought into the fact that babies should 'fit into' our lives and we should not go out of our way for them. Crying was somehow a nuisance and we should do what we can to 'make' baby learn that crying will get him nothing. Babies can manipulate and control you and they are full of sin, and our job as Christian parents is to break their will. All of this is biblical, of course, since perfect, first time obedience to parents is the first step in obeying God. Of course (thanks to Dr.Sears and this board) God showed me a different way, His way. Gentle, merciful, gracious. But sometimes (more often than I care to admit) that nagging voice in the back of my head says 'Abby shouldn't knock that spoon out of your hand, she's testing you' 'Abby shouldn't wiggle on the changing table, if you smack her bottom, she'll learn not to' 'Abby should sleep through the night witout you' and it is so sad, because I'll ALWAYS have those thoughts. I'll ALWAYS doubt my instincts because this book put it in my head that babies are manipulative, their cries are bad, and that they do things purposefullly to make you miserable. I hate that. I've been so frustrated with Abby and I'll think that's it, she's just gonna 'have to learn'...but when I really think about it, the reason I'm so bothered is not even because I care, but because I read in this book that she SHOULD be this way. That I SHOULD want her to sleep through, not cry, and sit in a playpen for hours by herself. I don't look at her in a positive way all the time, and I know it's because of that book. That's not fair to her. Anyway, I had to vent...sorry.
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Old 01-25-2006, 07:12 PM   #2
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

Please dont be so hard on yourself. You are such a gentle and loving mother and we all have it in us to be gentle or to be tough. The only mistakes made are mostly by the gurus who tell mothers to ignore their intution. Every thing else, well, its just a bi-product of those teachings. You might carry Ezzo and pearl in your mind but you carry Jesus and grace in your heart.
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Old 01-25-2006, 07:20 PM   #3
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

I know, I've had those thoughts before too. I haven't read Ezzo, but know a bunch who practically worship him so I've been a little influenced by him and have read Pearl. Occassionally I'll think ds or dd should/shouldn't be doing this or that because that what everyone says. But who cares if they want to try to feed themselves and they get messy. The more you actually think about it the stupider (don't know if thats a word) a lot of that junk starts to seem.
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Old 01-25-2006, 07:50 PM   #4
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

I hated Ezzo's writings from the moment I saw them. I read them as research for debate. Even still, if you think about them too long, dwell on the darkness too much, it affects you and your parenting. It's like a horror movie you shouldn't have watched, but did anyway and now are afraid to take a shower. Hang in there, focus on your blessings and those feelings will drift away like a bad habit.
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Old 01-25-2006, 08:08 PM   #5
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

Quote:
Originally Posted by elcollins
It's like a horror movie you shouldn't have watched, but did anyway and now are afraid to take a shower.
Exactly!
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Old 01-25-2006, 09:10 PM   #6
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

Quote:
Originally Posted by elcollins
Hang in there, focus on your blessings and those feelings will drift away like a bad habit.
I think this is true! The more you parent from you heart, the more grace filled things you read, the more you connect with other AP moms, the biggest part of it will fade away. Keep replacing those ugly things with good. It was like that for me when as a new mom all my friends were singing the praises of CIO and telling me I *had* to do it. I doubted myself, I cried, I heard those voices in the night when he'd wake for the 10th time. I got over it.
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Old 01-26-2006, 06:52 AM   #7
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

Exactly it is like a horror movie and its just enough to plants the seeds of doubt in a new mothers mind about her mothering abilities. Its like being taught all your life that babies are fed from bottles and then trying to breastfeed. You still have to get through the part in your brain that tells you it should be this way or that way.
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Old 01-26-2006, 08:37 AM   #8
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

I still struggle with this, too. I was turned off by Ezzo but later got sucked into trying out Pearl's ideas.

You know... even if we hadn't ready that junk, there would be someone out there feeding us bad advice and information. We would still have to consider different viewpoints, have that inner debate, try out different things, and search out the path that was right for our family. Making judgement calls, rejecting things we discover to be damaging, and learning from our mistakes is something we all have to do. Knowing when to listen to that inner voice (when it's our mother's instinct talking) and when to ignore it (when it's selfishness or self-doubt) is part of the parenting journey, IMO.
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Old 01-26-2006, 12:50 PM   #9
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

Thank you so much for all of your words of encouragement. Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite, because I try so hard to model AP (especially in front of friends and family who don't get it or just dont agree) but I do get frustrated sometimes. Of course I just look at her and she smiles, or pulls my glasses off (Oh the horrors!) and I fall in love with her all over again! I have found that my best defense is to read read read about AP, about the way babies learn, about what I can REALISTICALLY expect her to learn. And of course come to sites like this one and connect with other gentle mommies! Thank God that He got a hold of me before she was born. (Literally 3 weeks before I had Abby I thought maybe I should order a Moby wrap, and while online I stumbled across some AP sites, which spiraled into a complete turn around! ) Thank you all again!
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Old 01-26-2006, 05:30 PM   #10
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

*huuuug*

You're right--some stuff does stick with you. But that doesn't mean you'll always be pushing away the antagonistic thoughts/feelings/ideas that were planted there. For me, and a lot of mamas who did actually implement Ezzo, we've found it is a process of "de-Ezzoing". It takes time, prayer, snuggling, renewing our minds. . . But God is so good, and so gracious!
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Old 01-26-2006, 08:27 PM   #11
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

Whether from Ezzo or anyone else, bad advice is going to go thru your head some time. Lots of ap practice will help you dismiss it as quickly as it jumps in there.
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Old 01-26-2006, 08:59 PM   #12
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

Things that are ingrained in you can really take a long time to fade away. I am finally getting to a point where my inner thoughts and instincts are flowing more in tune with the way that I want to parent.

You're not a hypocrite! You are learning and changing. It doesn't happen overnight.
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Old 01-31-2006, 07:25 AM   #13
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy2abigail
Babies can manipulate and control you and they are full of sin, and our job as Christian parents is to break their will.
I am new here and trying to work out what the Ezzo and Pearl things are. But the above statement stunned me. How can that be a Christian teaching???? When we had our children dedicated, we 'realised' that our children were in fact God's children placed into our care. How can said children be full of sin??? And it says in the bible that you have to be like a child to enter the kingdom of heaven, if a child is full of sin, how can they enter??? Have these people truely thought out what they teach? And I am pretty useless at remembering what is written in the bible too!

Ooh, strange new things.

Thank God I don't personally know anyone who thinks like that ,
Christa.
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Old 01-31-2006, 05:21 PM   #14
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

Sadly, yes, that is really what they teach. And even worse, they have a group of very dedicated followers, who although they wouldn't say it outright, DO believe the same thing, in one way or another. Guess the difference between them and us is they are trying to be God-like (controlling everything, from thoughts, to feelings and actions {even though God gives us the freedom to feel and think for ourselves!}) and we are trying to be Christ-like, (showing God's love, grace, and mercy, being humble, meek, and gentle, being firm in our beliefs, glorifying God through our actions)
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Old 01-31-2006, 07:58 PM   #15
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Default Re: The sad thing is...

Quote:
Guess the difference between them and us is they are trying to be God-like (controlling everything, from thoughts, to feelings and actions {even though God gives us the freedom to feel and think for ourselves!}) and we are trying to be Christ-like, (showing God's love, grace, and mercy, being humble, meek, and gentle, being firm in our beliefs, glorifying God through our actions)
Wow, interesting analyogy!
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