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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing. A public forum. Before posting here, please read this sticky and keep guideline 23 in mind:
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01-25-2006, 08:06 PM | #1 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,895
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The sad thing is...
That once you read about these methods (Ezzo-haven't read Pearl) they stick with you forever, even if you later decide you are totally against that method. I read Ezzo before I had Abby, and unfortunately, bought into the fact that babies should 'fit into' our lives and we should not go out of our way for them. Crying was somehow a nuisance and we should do what we can to 'make' baby learn that crying will get him nothing. Babies can manipulate and control you and they are full of sin, and our job as Christian parents is to break their will. All of this is biblical, of course, since perfect, first time obedience to parents is the first step in obeying God. Of course (thanks to Dr.Sears and this board) God showed me a different way, His way. Gentle, merciful, gracious. But sometimes (more often than I care to admit) that nagging voice in the back of my head says 'Abby shouldn't knock that spoon out of your hand, she's testing you' 'Abby shouldn't wiggle on the changing table, if you smack her bottom, she'll learn not to' 'Abby should sleep through the night witout you' and it is so sad, because I'll ALWAYS have those thoughts. I'll ALWAYS doubt my instincts because this book put it in my head that babies are manipulative, their cries are bad, and that they do things purposefullly to make you miserable. I hate that. I've been so frustrated with Abby and I'll think that's it, she's just gonna 'have to learn'...but when I really think about it, the reason I'm so bothered is not even because I care, but because I read in this book that she SHOULD be this way. That I SHOULD want her to sleep through, not cry, and sit in a playpen for hours by herself. I don't look at her in a positive way all the time, and I know it's because of that book. That's not fair to her. Anyway, I had to vent...sorry.
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INFJ/INTJ DYT 4 Wife to Alan, Mama to Abby 3/05, Ella 2/08, and Julianna 10/10 “Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.” Leo Buscaglia |
01-25-2006, 08:12 PM | #2 |
Deactivated
A.K.A. joyinthspirit
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: stuck in a labor time warp
Posts: 11,730
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Re: The sad thing is...
Please dont be so hard on yourself. You are such a gentle and loving mother and we all have it in us to be gentle or to be tough. The only mistakes made are mostly by the gurus who tell mothers to ignore their intution. Every thing else, well, its just a bi-product of those teachings. You might carry Ezzo and pearl in your mind but you carry Jesus and grace in your heart.
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01-25-2006, 08:20 PM | #3 |
Guest
Posts: n/a
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Re: The sad thing is...
I know, I've had those thoughts before too. I haven't read Ezzo, but know a bunch who practically worship him so I've been a little influenced by him and have read Pearl. Occassionally I'll think ds or dd should/shouldn't be doing this or that because that what everyone says. But who cares if they want to try to feed themselves and they get messy. The more you actually think about it the stupider (don't know if thats a word) a lot of that junk starts to seem.
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01-25-2006, 08:50 PM | #4 |
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 34,565
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Re: The sad thing is...
I hated Ezzo's writings from the moment I saw them. I read them as research for debate. Even still, if you think about them too long, dwell on the darkness too much, it affects you and your parenting. It's like a horror movie you shouldn't have watched, but did anyway and now are afraid to take a shower. Hang in there, focus on your blessings and those feelings will drift away like a bad habit.
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Elizabeth "Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19 |
01-25-2006, 09:08 PM | #5 | |
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Re: The sad thing is...
Quote:
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01-25-2006, 10:10 PM | #6 | |
Administrator
Oh, sing to the Lord a new song!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 25,956
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Re: The sad thing is...
Quote:
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Kelly Wife to my sweetheart for 30 years Grateful mom to 3 young adults Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 |
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01-26-2006, 07:52 AM | #7 |
Deactivated
A.K.A. joyinthspirit
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: stuck in a labor time warp
Posts: 11,730
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Re: The sad thing is...
Exactly it is like a horror movie and its just enough to plants the seeds of doubt in a new mothers mind about her mothering abilities. Its like being taught all your life that babies are fed from bottles and then trying to breastfeed. You still have to get through the part in your brain that tells you it should be this way or that way.
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01-26-2006, 09:37 AM | #8 |
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Posts: n/a
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Re: The sad thing is...
I still struggle with this, too. I was turned off by Ezzo but later got sucked into trying out Pearl's ideas.
You know... even if we hadn't ready that junk, there would be someone out there feeding us bad advice and information. We would still have to consider different viewpoints, have that inner debate, try out different things, and search out the path that was right for our family. Making judgement calls, rejecting things we discover to be damaging, and learning from our mistakes is something we all have to do. Knowing when to listen to that inner voice (when it's our mother's instinct talking) and when to ignore it (when it's selfishness or self-doubt) is part of the parenting journey, IMO. |
01-26-2006, 01:50 PM | #9 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,895
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Re: The sad thing is...
Thank you so much for all of your words of encouragement. Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite, because I try so hard to model AP (especially in front of friends and family who don't get it or just dont agree) but I do get frustrated sometimes. Of course I just look at her and she smiles, or pulls my glasses off (Oh the horrors!) and I fall in love with her all over again! I have found that my best defense is to read read read about AP, about the way babies learn, about what I can REALISTICALLY expect her to learn. And of course come to sites like this one and connect with other gentle mommies! Thank God that He got a hold of me before she was born. (Literally 3 weeks before I had Abby I thought maybe I should order a Moby wrap, and while online I stumbled across some AP sites, which spiraled into a complete turn around! ) Thank you all again!
__________________
INFJ/INTJ DYT 4 Wife to Alan, Mama to Abby 3/05, Ella 2/08, and Julianna 10/10 “Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.” Leo Buscaglia |
01-26-2006, 06:30 PM | #10 |
Deactivated
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 5,796
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Re: The sad thing is...
*huuuug*
You're right--some stuff does stick with you. But that doesn't mean you'll always be pushing away the antagonistic thoughts/feelings/ideas that were planted there. For me, and a lot of mamas who did actually implement Ezzo, we've found it is a process of "de-Ezzoing". It takes time, prayer, snuggling, renewing our minds. . . But God is so good, and so gracious! |
01-26-2006, 09:27 PM | #11 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 4,003
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Re: The sad thing is...
Whether from Ezzo or anyone else, bad advice is going to go thru your head some time. Lots of ap practice will help you dismiss it as quickly as it jumps in there.
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01-26-2006, 09:59 PM | #12 |
Guest
Posts: n/a
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Re: The sad thing is...
Things that are ingrained in you can really take a long time to fade away. I am finally getting to a point where my inner thoughts and instincts are flowing more in tune with the way that I want to parent.
You're not a hypocrite! You are learning and changing. It doesn't happen overnight. |
01-31-2006, 08:25 AM | #13 | |
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Posts: n/a
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Re: The sad thing is...
Quote:
Ooh, strange new things. Thank God I don't personally know anyone who thinks like that , Christa. |
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01-31-2006, 06:21 PM | #14 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,895
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Re: The sad thing is...
Sadly, yes, that is really what they teach. And even worse, they have a group of very dedicated followers, who although they wouldn't say it outright, DO believe the same thing, in one way or another. Guess the difference between them and us is they are trying to be God-like (controlling everything, from thoughts, to feelings and actions {even though God gives us the freedom to feel and think for ourselves!}) and we are trying to be Christ-like, (showing God's love, grace, and mercy, being humble, meek, and gentle, being firm in our beliefs, glorifying God through our actions)
__________________
INFJ/INTJ DYT 4 Wife to Alan, Mama to Abby 3/05, Ella 2/08, and Julianna 10/10 “Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.” Leo Buscaglia |
01-31-2006, 08:58 PM | #15 | |
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 34,565
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Re: The sad thing is...
Quote:
__________________
Elizabeth "Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19 |
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