LGP week 3

Attitude Shift: Harnessing the Power of Free Will
Reason: The only person you can make change is yourself
Discipline Skill: Choices
Value: Commitment

Catch yourself when you say "How can I get my child to _____" Change the question to "How can I help my child to be more likely to choose ______"


Change your "shoulds" to "coulds". Then make a choice and live with it.

Alow others to have their own thoughts adn feelings. Pay attention to what you feel when people disagree with you. (Most of us feel threatened).

Catch yourself when you say "How can I get my child to _____" Change the question to "How can I help my child to be more likely to choose ______"

OK...this just sounds like the same thing to me. :/ What am I not getting?

Change your "shoulds" to "coulds". Then make a choice and live with it.

In what context? As in I "should" go wash dishes? I "could" go wash dishes? What is the purpose here?

Sorry....I'm hope I'll have better questions when I get my hands on that book!!

pg 46
"notice how often you use the words "have to" or "should". if you hear yourself saying "I should pick up milk" change your approach and say "I could pick up the milk" then decide whether you are going to or not. "

I guess its about no one is making you do anything. so by saying " I have to do this or that" changing it to, I *can* do this and that, * then* deciding on it, makes it your own choice.

as for making your child do something, it goes back to no one can make anyone do anything. they are choosing to or not to obey you. so, you arent able to "make them" do anything, but you can help turn things around and then they decide that they will choose to obey you. such as, giving two acceptable choices: do you want the red shirt or the blue one, do you want to hop like a rabbit or dance like a ballerina to the table, you can put the forks on or the spoons on. they will "have the last word" so to speak and they are also choosing to obey you.

k, that probably didnt make sense, so anyone else?

YES!!!
You made great sense!! I just needed the context. That's so insightful! One cannot be a martyr about something one "chooses" to do.
I've been really struggling with "making" my children do something. Dh (who doesn't use GBD) insists that they be made to obey....I would like to have a strategy that at least has the right outcome even if I didn't "make" it happen, YK? Does that make seinse?
I like it. I like it a lot. Thanks for clearing that up, Irene!

no prob! glad I can help. I can see why it wouldnt make sense just reading it without the book

[greenemama]

we saw this dolphin show last week and it wasn't a very good show, really, not many jumps, but it was really interesting the way they were explaining how they train the dolphins. they said that the very first thing that has to happen is that the dolphins have to trust their trainers. and then everything from then on was positive reinforcement of the desired behavior. the dolphins choose to do whatever is required of them, they're not forced. it breaks down here because the dolphins are choosing to do the "right" thing because they'll be rewarded.

now, kids aren't dolphins (so they should be treated at least as well, right?), but i was thinking about this principle when i was watching the show. "making" a kid do something really is not enough. the whole point of raising a child well is so that when he's grown he'll be able to make the right choices by choice, not because it's required of him so that he'll get something in return.

Reading Ch. 5 and doing this week's exercises have come at the right time for me. Dd has been throwing things around the house (something she saw her 5.5 yo uncle do a lot on a recent visit ). We obviously want this to stop. I usually tell her something like, "____ is for ___, not throwing." She usually just throws it again, I repeat my statement and end up taking the object away. But reading about the win-win tool and offering 2 positive choices has given me an "a-ha moment". So tomorrow when she, say, throws her books, I'll say, "You may sit and look at the book, or you may ask mama to read the book. Which do you choose?". Am I getting this right? And what if she chooses to still throw the books?

Originally Posted by mama2grace

Reading Ch. 5 and doing this week's exercises have come at the right time for me. Dd has been throwing things around the house (something she saw her 5.5 yo uncle do a lot on a recent visit ). We obviously want this to stop. I usually tell her something like, "____ is for ___, not throwing." She usually just throws it again, I repeat my statement and end up taking the object away. But reading about the win-win tool and offering 2 positive choices has given me an "a-ha moment". So tomorrow when she, say, throws her books, I'll say, "You may sit and look at the book, or you may ask mama to read the book. Which do you choose?". Am I getting this right? And what if she chooses to still throw the books?

How about,"You can use gentle hands with the book or you can throw a bean bag." We had a huge thing with climbing for a while and Crystal suggested making plenty of opportunities for climbing...so maybe the same thing is what you need for throwing?

Originally Posted by greenemama

we saw this dolphin show last week and it wasn't a very good show, really, not many jumps, but it was really interesting the way they were explaining how they train the dolphins. they said that the very first thing that has to happen is that the dolphins have to trust their trainers. and then everything from then on was positive reinforcement of the desired behavior. the dolphins choose to do whatever is required of them, they're not forced. it breaks down here because the dolphins are choosing to do the "right" thing because they'll be rewarded.

now, kids aren't dolphins (so they should be treated at least as well, right?), but i was thinking about this principle when i was watching the show. "making" a kid do something really is not enough. the whole point of raising a child well is so that when he's grown he'll be able to make the right choices by choice, not because it's required of him so that he'll get something in return.

This is a good point - tho I have been guilty of bribery on occasion.

[ArmsOfLove]

Yep--I'd definately offer something she can throw--she's throwing the book which can mean she needs to be taught what to do with the book and/or what she can throw--do both

[MidnightCafe]

This reminds me of something I heard Crystal say once when I first joined the board. Essentially she was talking about how we can't "make" our children do anything. So, our responses to inappropriate behaviors have to be things *we* can do. For example, I cannot "make" my child stop screaming. I *can* remove myself from the situation so I don't have to listen to the screaming or I can remove my DD from the situation. Remembering that principle seems to reduce power struggles. I think that trying to "make" your child do something often results in punitive consequences. As in, "Stop screaming or I'll spank you."

Originally Posted by MidnightCafe

This reminds me of something I heard Crystal say once when I first joined the board. Essentially she was talking about how we can't "make" our children do anything. So, our responses to inappropriate behaviors have to be things *we* can do. For example, I cannot "make" my child stop screaming. I *can* remove myself from the situation so I don't have to listen to the screaming or I can remove my DD from the situation. Remembering that principle seems to reduce power struggles. I think that trying to "make" your child do something often results in punitive consequences. As in, "Stop screaming or I'll spank you."

good examples!! Thanks.