LGP week one, day 2

WEEK ONE:
attitude shift: Harnessing the Power of Perception (no one can make you angry without your permission)
reason: to own your own upset
discipline skill: composure
value: integrity

listen to how often you blame others. Carefully note any "make me" language. notice how often you say "dont make me ___" Replace "dont make me" with "Im going to"

well, Im working on this. I dont tend to say "dont make me count to ten" or whatever, but I do think "the kids are making me crazy" or "why does she always make me get her dressed, I know she can do it herself!" thoughts like that I really struggle with :/

[Beyond Blessed]

I thought I had one more week before this started Hopefully I can keep up as I read through the book. I'm notorious for "Don't make me..." comments I will be happy to work on these this week.

[TulipMama]

Hooray! I requested the book at the library. (Oh, I love being back in the States and having a library!) It's out at the moment--I wonder if it's another GCM mama? *L*)

[Blue Aurora]

This confuses me a bit maybe others can help clarify. If I don't say it I do often think..."you are making me really upset" but sometimes the things dh or ds does are upsetting. Is the idea to not ever be upset by other peoples actions?

Im not a very good explainer but I think the idea is that its a choice. I choose to be mad at my dd for not getting dresses by herself when Im in a hurry, or I can take this moment as it is and calmly respond, using it as a teachable moment. I can say "DD, I am very frustrated right now because I told you to get dressed" ( I think Im allowed to say that ) but then help her out. It not about being always happy and never being annoyed- thats whats so great about this book it helps you get through those feelings instead of trying to be miss perfect smiley mom all the time.

okay now someone else....

[crunchymum]

yes, that's how i understood it, too. owning your own upset means no one can "make" you angry, it's a choice that you make. not that you will never be angry in response to something someone did, but realizing that it's your choice to respond by being angry... right? calling a spade a spade?

i'm so new to all this, i'm not sure that i've got it yet!

[MidnightCafe]

Jen, DH & I had a long talk about this a few nights ago (he's doing the 7 weeks with me), and we both agreed that, for us, this means that we have a choice about how we will respond when angry. I actually disagree with the book that getting angry in the first place is always a choice. How I choose to handle my anger, though, is always my choice.

I also think that people *do* do things that affect our emotions. If the actions of others could not reach our emotions, we wouldn't be human. So, sometimes, yes, someone "makes" me angry. I can choose to act calmly, though...or to not act until I can release the anger. In this way, I take responsibility for *my* upset. I think that often with our children we are angry because they are acting like normal kids, but it doesn't fit into our plan for the moment. That's when we need to reframe & assign positive intent. Assigning postive intent helps me to release the anger.

Clear as mud?

[ArmsOfLove]

If I don't say it I do often think..."you are making me really upset" but sometimes the things dh or ds does are upsetting. Is the idea to not ever be upset by other peoples actions?

It's about whether or not you will live your life as a victim. If you allow other people's actions and choices to affect your responses to situations then you are a victim of those around you. If you take responsibility for your feelings, regardless of what sparks them, then you aren't a victim.

TBH, the longer I've applied this principle to my life the less a victim I've become. There is very little that others do that I even think *makes* me feel this way or that. Someone can be throwing an absolute hissy fit and I can calmly wait for them to be done. I'm not saying I never have an emotional reaction . . . but when I do I realize it's *me* letting what they're doing get the best of me.

It's the difference between "You are making me angry" and "I'm angry". Between giving your power away and keeping it directed at yourself. Between other control and self control.

Another thing, and one I'm really addressing in my life right now, is the idea of "I can't" versus "I'm not going to". This has been big for me since the twins were born because when I'm sitting here with them nursing on me I *feel* like "I can't get up and help you" but the truth is I *could* set them off to the side of me and go do something else. Yes, they'd be upset and awake and cry and you can do this yourself *therefore* "I choose not to" get up and do this for you. Changing my thinking is helping me to feel more powerful right now.

[crunchymum]

crystal & midnight, that really makes sense!!! thank you!

Another thing, and one I'm really addressing in my life right now, is the idea of "I can't" versus "I'm not going to". This has been big for me since the twins were born because when I'm sitting here with them nursing on me I *feel* like "I can't get up and help you" but the truth is I *could* set them off to the side of me and go do something else. Yes, they'd be upset and awake and cry and you can do this yourself *therefore* "I choose not to" get up and do this for you. Changing my thinking is helping me to feel more powerful right now

I deal with these feelings too. but then I also feel like its not a great choice, I can deal with my dd's behavior and then deal with a screaming baby and have to redo the whole routine to get him to sleep again.... or I can deal with her behavior from the chair (not dealing with it at all) .... either way I get frustrated... but I guess I need to figure that out....

[Blue Aurora]

Originally Posted by crunchymum

crystal & midnight, that really makes sense!!! thank you!

ITA

[ArmsOfLove]

I also feel like its not a great choice, I can deal with my dd's behavior and then deal with a screaming baby and have to redo the whole routine to get him to sleep again.... or I can deal with her behavior from the chair (not dealing with it at all) .... either way I get frustrated...

It is caught between a rock and a hard place--but it's also not my child's fault or my baby's fault or my fault. It just *is* and I have to own my own upset. When I make a conscious choice to either get up and help or not get up I need to remember that *I* have made the choice--no one made me make it.

Truthfully, this principle is why I'm fine with the c-section I had. I called the person I trusted to make sure I wasn't missing anything that should be taken into consideration and was assured it was what needed to happen; and I sat there in the surgical room before it happened and consciously thought, "I have the power to say 'no' and walk out of here without this happening." That thought was quickly followed with, "And go where and do waht?" And then I *chose* to have the c-section. It didn't happen *to* me and I wasn't a victim. I may never know if different circumstances or professionals or timing or education might have changed things . . . I made the best choice under the circumstances with the professionals and information I had. That's the best I can do.

So when I get up and end up with my baby crying I don't blame my preschooler; when I stay nursing and the preschooler gets angry I don't blame him or the babies--it's *MY* choice what to do and I do the best I can under each situations' circumstances.

wooooow you're so wise.... Im so jealous of all the moms that can do this :P

But I have to say, today I DID IT... actually just now

I was laying ds down and dd was in her room and she started having a fit about something and just screaming adn thrashing around the room making all sorts of noise. I could feel my stomach tightening up and I was starting to get really angry (this whole thing is a huge trigger for me anyway ) and I thought, "I am going to choose not to get angry and this moment is as it is" and I calmed myself down, unlatched ds (who stayed asleep ) and went in to her. she was mad about her doll being in bed with her but I said "you dont need to scream, just wait for mom and I will take care of it for you" (she was over tired and always has to have the doll on the cabinet) and I put the doll up and kissed her and she went to bed I dont know, I just feel like this was a huge hurdle for me (I know it doesnt seem like much, but normally this kind of thing would send me over the edge )

anyway, thought I would share a small success!

[DogwoodMama]

WTG, Irene!

I have to say I am annoyed with myself because I can't find where I put my copy of the book! I was just reading it the other night.