Loving Guidance Program- week one

okay get out your window markers and write these on your mirrors or windows

Im going to write a new point every day excluding weekends. I know some weeks have more and some have less, so I will try to work it out. If it doesnt seem to be working let me know and I will change it.
I hope we can get some good discussion and accountability going here

WEEK ONE:
attitude shift: Harnessing the Power of Perception (no one can make you angry without your permission)
reason: to own your own upset
discipline skill: composure
value: integrity

* Notice how your thoughts create your feelings. when you feel angry, overwhelmed or anxious, check to see what you are thinking, where is your mind directed?

lets talk

I really struggle with this. I always think oh my kids are making me so mad today... I just cant believe the awful day I am having, why are my kids crying all day.. then I get more and more stressed, more angry then Im yelling ( I had a really rough week last week ) sometimes it almost seems that Im thinking nothing and my mind is just black and Im furious and I cant seem to control the words coming out of my mouth :/ then I will think later about the thoughts leading up to that point and realize I am thinking really negative thoughts about my kids, things I want to get done, things I *expect* a 3 yr old or 1 yr old to be able to do

This applied to me all week at work last week. So glad Friday finally came. How to handle this ... I should just escalate this to my boss and let him take care of it rather than taking ownership of the situation.

Oh yes ... and when my dh cusses about things not being in order ... I feel like he's criticizing my housekeeping and it makes me just want to punch him since he could organize the tupperware drawer in his own time just as much as I can. So I have some work to do on this one. I don't know what to do about maintaining my composure under these circumstances ... it just annoys me and I don't think I should have to be exposed to a foul mood over a tupperware drawer. Usually, I'll leave the room, but I was cooking dinner. Ideas?

So nothing about my dd on this one, but then she's only 14 months, so I usually have endless patience for her.

[greenemama]

for the past two weeks i don't know how many times i've caught myself saying, "you make me so mad!" or "i'm going to be mad if you do that." and as soon as i say it i know i'm being a moron. and i try to correct myself by just saying, "i'm mad right now, but that's okay." and even talking through why i'm mad.

i think that i get mad at dh for the stupidest stuff. things that he's not even aware are remotely annoying. i've been telling myself, "if you're not going to discuss it with him you're not going to huff around mad about it." and that helps. either we talk about it or we don't. and if we don't, it's generally because i realize i'm just being an anal wife.

This is something I've been working on with the kids - but I REALLY need someone to remind me. It's easy to tell someone else but harder to apply personally. I'm responsible for my anger...my grumpiness, etc.
Now to go post this on my bathroom mirror!!!

[MarynMunchkins]

This is particularly applicable right now because we're in the midst of moving, and having the house be a wreck is really frustrating to me. I find myself getting angry and frustrated because no one is helping me clean, and the fact is that things are just going to be a mess until we move and get settled.

I do a lot better when it's just the kids and I, because I expect them to play and make messes, and they're generally good about cleaning up with me. It's dh that drives me nuts - he piles things everywhere and than promises to help clean. After which he spends hours on the computer. I've been making myself either chill out about the mess or ask specifically for help.

[Radosny Matka]

This skill along with power of acceptance are the 2 I need to work on the most. I was never allowed to have feelings as a kid so I never learned how to control my feelings. I had to shove them under the rug. Now as an adult, sometimes I have such a short fuse. I sometimes feel like I need to make people pay because I am upset (even if they didn't cause the upset). Saying this outloud is such a good thing. I know that I am like this, but putting it out there for the world to see makes me even more accountable. I need to remember that no-one has the power to make me angry. *I* have that power, and I can control it. Sometimes when I get upset, I can hear my words in my head, but I can't seem to stop myself. I am getting better, even dh commented on that, but I have a ways to go.

[ArmsOfLove]

this morning is a great example . . . the kids woke up in great moods but way before I was ready to be up and they asked if they could watch some extra twaddle shows. I knew it was a bad idea but I went ahead and let them . . . and I really regret it. They got all antsy, were yelling, arguing, way too loud, way too much energy, etc. . . but I can't blame them. I allowed them to watch the shows. Not gonna let that happen again (at least that is the plan ) but I've been having to control my temper all day because while their behavior is unacceptable (though the more time goes on they are calming down) I have to take responsibility for my share in it.

[crunchymum]

i realized i don't take responsibility for my own upset when i started hearing dd say things like "i hit j because he made me mad" fallout from spanking when i got really angry, i'm sure.


i really need to work on composer. i tend to get out of control and do and say things i know are so hurtful. i guess assigning positive intent can help shift my perception?

[DogwoodMama]

Hmmm... this is actually something I'm pretty good at. I'm very aware of my emotions and causes of emotions in myself. I tend to talk through my emotions, largely because of interview training I had in grad school and many healing conversations I've had with my dad since we reconciled when I was 20 years old. Hmmm. Need to think about this more.

[crunchymum]

elizabet, do you mind me asking the process that you do that? i don't mean to blame others, i just at some point realize i really do feel like "it's your fault i'm so mad. if you wouldn't have done x, i wouldn't be upset"....

I agree elizabeth, can you tell us what is going through your head? just as an example today my kids are fussing, whining crying carrying on and I just get SOOO mad and Im like would you guys just be quiet and I find I get angrier and angrier as time goes on and they are just whining all stinking morning... AAAACK

[ArmsOfLove]

I'd love to read Elizabeth's answers I know for me it helps to reflect my own feelings. When I start to feel tense or hear myself blaming others in my head then I stop and really think about what I feel. Then I think about how the other person is behaving and how I'd feel if I were acting like them which helps me to assign a positive intent and find a solution.

I think Im just too selfish I am always thinking about what I need to do and want to get done etc. Its a huge fault I know

I do like the idea of reflecting my own feelings. I wonder if this has to do with the whole growing up and not being allowed any emotions. I hate that, but then I turn around and do it to my own kids

Anyone else think this book is going to help you with your relationship to your dh as much as it is with your kids? Now, I admit I'm only on Chapter 3, but so far the book makes me think a lot about how I treat my dh.

I like this quote from pg 41, "You are never upset for the reason you think you are."
This is especially true when I've been lazy about doing something, or putting things away and dd gets into them. Like laundry, I'll fold it and leave the basket on the floor or couch where dd can reach it, knowing good and well that she loves to pull them out and sort them into her own piles- which means I have to now refold the laundry. I catch myself feeling angry at her for "making me" have to re-fold the laundry, then remind myself that I'm mad at myself for not putting the laundry away.

Also, the title of the book may have been intended to mean that our children are Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, but imo, it speaks directly to me about myself.