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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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Old 04-17-2005, 07:48 PM   #1
Irene
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Default Kinda dissapointed

well I have always loved our new pastor and wife. She has been so encouraging to me about slinging and EBF and co sleeping and the whole natural health thing. so I thought she was kind of a kindred spirit.

well today we went to a baby shower for this single girl in our church who just had a baby and the gift our pastors wife brought... To Train up a child and another one by the Pearls she said "some parts are a bit extreme, but its really helped up with parenting, really really good books" I dont know, I just felt so shocked for one, then dissapointed. Trying not to let it cloud my vision of her...

As the gifts were being passed around, my heart was beating fast and I know my face was red I looked at the back and the wording was so positive "spank less" and all these positive words ( I cant really remember now) but anyway, just thought you would all understand. had to vent I guess.

just sad about and trying to put my feelings somewhere :/
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Old 04-17-2005, 07:51 PM   #2
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

I'm sorry Irene, after she had been so positive too.

Do you think there might be an opening there with the 'Some parts are a bit extreme" comment to discuss it with her and try and find some different options which have good stuff without what she is already admitting are the negatives?
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Old 04-17-2005, 08:00 PM   #3
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

Why can you never find AP, non-punitive Christians IRL?!

I'm sorry, Irene. Do you think you can bring it up with her?
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Old 04-17-2005, 10:44 PM   #4
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

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Old 04-18-2005, 04:25 AM   #5
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Irene
my heart was beating fast and I know my face was red
just sad about and trying to put my feelings somewhere :/
I know that heart beating fast face red feeling so well. I feel that way when ever I go on a home visit and see Babywise on the nightstand of the new parents. to you! God has a lways provided a way for me to talk about BW with those new parents. I'll pray that he does the same for you.

Magan
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Old 04-19-2005, 02:27 PM   #6
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

I think I might be able to talk to her some. I might probably just chicken out though too :/

I just keep thinking about this though... do the Pearls do CIO? Pastors wife seemed that she never did that. always talked about co sleeping and stuff. the wierd thing is I was so shocked that she was Pearl. I guess i had this image in my head of these evil controlling parents or something and she is always so sweet to her kids, I was so impressed by the relationship she has with her kids, as opposed to all the Ezzo people in our church. and she has said "I never could do the Ezzo thing" Im so confused....

so do the Pearls keep an appearance of lots of love or is it really love? I know parents love their kids... I dont know. Im not super mushy or anything either, but people have commented on our "love" as a family...

Im just trying to sort this all out... I think i had ezzo/pearl all tied in together just from my bad ezzo experience...
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Old 04-19-2005, 02:36 PM   #7
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

Well, the short answer is yes. Pearl does advocate letting a child cry. But it is not for the same reason as Ezzo. Ezzo believes that crying is good for a child because it helps them regulate a schedule which provides consistency and routine for the mom. :/ Pearl advocates crying as training that they are not the most important member of the family. As far as I can tell, Pearl isn't big into crying in order to go to sleep - just crying so they can learn to wait.
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Old 04-19-2005, 02:40 PM   #8
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

thats so sad... but they are natural and co sleep at the same time? that seems so uh... weird to me like how can you be bonding with your baby then at the same time teach them a lesson by letting them scream? weird...
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Old 04-19-2005, 02:46 PM   #9
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

As Crystal said elsewhere, people who say they are really natural and AP, but believe in spanking are usually Pearl followers.

The Pearls are AP about a lot of things, bfing, EC, "tying heartstrings," etc. But their views on discipline are totally warped.

So a parent can be very natural and loving and seem very AP, but is actually a Pearl follower. If you have the stomach to read TTUAC, you'll see what I mean.
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Old 04-19-2005, 02:59 PM   #10
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

I dont have the stomach I was reading I think wendy's thing on in and could barely get past the first few paragraphs... o well. it kind of "makes sense" I guess now although Im sad about it
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Old 04-19-2005, 04:56 PM   #11
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

Quote:
Pearl advocates crying as training that they are not the most important member of the family.
Pearl does not advocate this. I think they would advocate telling a child to be quiet, more than letting them scream. That's what I have gathered from reading their books.
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Old 04-19-2005, 05:08 PM   #12
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

Quote:
Pearls keep an appearance of lots of love or is it really love?
the Pearls get a lot right. I'm sure this is the appeal of their books. They are very strong on love in the family. However the bad stuff is really poisonous and sick and I think it would be very hard for normal people to blend the "training" mindset (resulting as it would in constant conflict--at least for awhile) with the close loving attitudes that the Pearls advocate and encourage.
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Old 04-19-2005, 05:23 PM   #13
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

Quote:
Pearls keep an appearance of lots of love or is it really love?
I'm pretty sure they love their children. There are a lot of parents out there who mistakenly believe that punitive discipline is love and that our kind of parenting is not. I read their book and it crushed my heart to think of parents with what seem to be truly good intentions but who are SO wrong!
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Old 04-19-2005, 05:32 PM   #14
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Irene
I just keep thinking about this though... do the Pearls do CIO? Pastors wife seemed that she never did that. always talked about co sleeping and stuff. the wierd thing is I was so shocked that she was Pearl. I guess i had this image in my head of these evil controlling parents or something and she is always so sweet to her kids, I was so impressed by the relationship she has with her kids,
I have gotten so suspicious of any parents who are always kind, gentle and sweet with their kids if the kids are also always kind, gentle and sweet. Pearl parents never raise their voices, the kids are taught to always obey right away with a sweet attitude. They rarely discipline in front of anyone. They tend to be AP in most ways. I find them chilling and scary. The foundation of the book really is to spank less. The relationship which unfolds with the children really does look good. Once they have the babies under complete control, things are very easy and good for the parents. As far as Pearl and his followers are concerned, the end justifies the means.
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Old 04-19-2005, 06:44 PM   #15
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Default Re: Kinda dissapointed

From Pearl's website...

Quote:
You must start training your children one year before their first birthday, because if you donít, they will be trained without your input. A sapling grows the way you bend it. But if you donít bend it, it will grow and take shape just the same, though not as you would have it. It will be shaped by the prevailing winds, which, you can be sure, never blow in the right direction.

From day one, every conscious moment of a childís life is training; every event, and non-event, is schooling, preparation for the rest of life. If a childís eyes can see, tongue can taste, nose can smell, hands can feel, or ears can hear, training is in progress. Parents donít need to initiate a program, set aside a time, or confront the child in some special way for training to occur. Training and schooling never cease, never rest. A child develops with or without you. If you are not deliberately leaving your imprint on every stage of his development, know that someone is.

A child left to himself in a crib or a room is being trained.
Quote:
If a child cries out in loneliness and is rewarded by being picked up, you have trained him to repeat the crying any time he wants to control the adults in his life
Quote:
The first six months of a childís life is much more formative than most parents realize. The first three years molds personality and sees the establishment of the childís world-view. Children can be trained after three years, but much of the training amounts to enabling the child to function in spite of bad habits instilled in those early months and years.
I think it's safe to say that they would be okay with letting a baby scream.

BTW, the above quotes are all from the same article. I just picked relevant pieces rather than posting the whole thing.

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