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Old 05-26-2005, 07:35 PM   #16
My Little Saint
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Default Re: The Five Steps

Ok, this works... until I get to the step where I start helping him get the toys cleaned up or his shirt put on. He starts jumping an screaming and throwing a fit. I bear hug him and start to speak in his ear, but he just screams louder at me and get REALLY mad What do I do? I hate time outs, but I am resorting to them. HELP!
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Old 05-29-2005, 09:55 AM   #17
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: The Five Steps

keep holding him. tell him you will help keep him safe until he can keep himself safe. maybe try letting him go and see if he stays next to you and calms down. If so, that's fine, just hang out with him and tell him you're ready to hug him when he's ready to get a hug. If he's violent at all then bear hug him until he calms down. It's not always a quick thing--he's having big feelings. I tell my children "I am bigger than your big feelings. I will keep you safe. I love you even when you don't feel lovable." things like that.

It might also help to back up when he *starts* getting upset and give him another chance to do it himself without help. One of my children realizes that he's waited too long and feels like he's failed and the greatest act of grace I can offer him is to give him one more chance to be successful. Since that is the goal anyway, I don't mind at all
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Old 05-29-2005, 04:14 PM   #18
My Little Saint
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Default Re: The Five Steps

Thank you! I'll keep trying... It sometimes is so difficult to know how long to wait, should I let him go into a full blown tantrum? Should I give him what he wants? I know it takes time, it's just frustrating.
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Old 05-29-2005, 04:45 PM   #19
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: The Five Steps

So much depends on the situation . . . and you can't prevent him having big feelings, but you can actively teach appropriate reactions (in and out of the moment). If you don't mind giving him what he wants then I say give it to him and don't say no--if you change your mind when you realize how important it is (like if you were saying no because you didn't think it was a big deal but would be inconvenient) then take responsibility and say you are changing your mind. If you mean no then mean no and don't give in (that is what creates tantrums in older children ).
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Old 05-29-2005, 06:59 PM   #20
My Little Saint
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Default Re: The Five Steps

You are so right!!

He does have BIG feelings. I don't want to prevent them as much as I want to understand and guide them in a way that is godly and convenient for him. I don't want him to have problems at school and be labeled the problem child. I know he is only 2 1/2, but I am a teacher (2nd grade), and I see this happen daily.

Does changing my mind give him a feeling of uncertainty or inconsistency? I feel I change my mind because, as you said, I say no because it's inconvenient, not something I really mind. Thank you and I apologize if I'm bombarding you with all these questions, he is at an age that honestly, I just don't know what to do 70% of the time.
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Old 05-29-2005, 07:19 PM   #21
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: The Five Steps

It's okay You might get more responses if you start new threads for some of these questions, but I will say that changing your mind won't create insecurity or be inconsistency unless you present it as such. I usually say something like, "I see that this is more important to you than I realized. I don't like how you are talking to me. I have decided that I'm willing to give it to you. Can you ask me in a more respectful way so that I can feel better about this decision?" and then I help them be successful about asking pleasantly.
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Old 05-29-2005, 09:57 PM   #22
My Little Saint
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Default Re: The Five Steps

That sounds wonderful!!! I never thought of it that way! I would have to use much simpler language, but I think it will work. I will start new threads so that I can get out of your hair! Thanks again, the "hug" is well received.
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Old 05-29-2005, 10:08 PM   #23
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: The Five Steps

You are not in my hair at all I just don't think most people check new posts on this thread and I want you to get more advice
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Old 06-03-2005, 07:33 PM   #24
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Default Re: The Five Steps

Sorry I didn't reply sooner. Thanks, though, for all your advice. I got the best from the expert! What more could I ask for?!
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Old 07-16-2005, 09:04 PM   #25
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Default Re: The Five Steps

I have been trying the five steps with my son. The first two days were wonderful. The third, not so much. I just didn't want to follow through. Of course, my 4 year old waits until I ask for help. The answer is always "Yes". Even if it is something as simple as picking up something from the floor. Is this normal or is he testing me? Also, it seems that we end up in the bear hug once daily. He struggles and fights me. I tell him I am holding him, but he is the one hurting himself since he is fighting me. He is also trying to bite my arm, scratch, kick, and spit on me. How do I handle this? It seems to go on forever. I tell him to stop fighting me and stop whinning so I can talk to him and then I will let him go. Am I doing this correctly? By the time we have done this for a while, my 15 month old gets upset, cries and tries to get in my lap, turn my face away from Noah and such. How do I handle his fears while I am bear hugging his brother?

Thank you so much for all the wonderful information and gentle discipline ideas!
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Old 07-17-2005, 10:01 AM   #26
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: The Five Steps

The other day my 3yo was in a mood and said I was hurting him with the Bear Hug (hurting his feelings, not his body). So I held out one arm and said, "See this arm? This arm LOVES you! (crossing it over him) It's going to hold you until you can be safe." (holding out other arm) "See this arm? This are LOVES you! (crossing it over him) It's going to hold you until you can be safe. I am holding you surrounded by my love. Hear my voice? (whispering) My voice loves you. It's going to talk to you until you can calm down." Then we cuddled for a bit
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Old 07-18-2005, 05:00 PM   #27
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Default Re: The Five Steps

I am proud of DH. He came home during the Bear Hug struggle that I have been having. He came in and watched for a while. He told Noah that Mommy would let him go when he was still. That kept going for a while, so DH took over and Bear Hugged Noah so I could tend to Aden. He settled down really quick with Daddy, no fighting. Then he went to clean up. He tried to get Daddy to 'help', but Daddy wouldn't. ( ) He told him he made the mess and needs to clean it up. Of course, No argument and all was done. I am just thankful for Daddy backing up Mommy.
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Old 08-11-2005, 03:40 PM   #28
staceysue22
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Default Re: The Five Steps

Do the 5 steps really work? What do you do if they just wait until you offer to help? I've always taken the approach that if they can do it themselves, then they need to do it themselves. I don't want them to grow up waiting for someone to help them with everything. KWIM? I just worry because my mom did everything for me, or helped me with everything. Now I hate doing things on my own..I'm having to learn to be independant. I don't want my children to be the same way.

Stacey
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Old 08-11-2005, 05:36 PM   #29
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: The Five Steps

Actually, when children know that something is expected of them, which the first step makes perfectly clear with *you* need to do , then when they can they are very quick to do it themselves. Most children don't want help unless they really need it. Knowing you are there to help if they do need it helps them to be more confident Helping is also very different from doing everything for them.
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Old 08-12-2005, 02:17 PM   #30
kauaidee
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Default Re: The Five Steps

I'm loving step 3 right now. With a 2 year old seeking independence often all I have to do is say "can you do it yourself or do you need my help", and she does what I've been asking. Well at least 99.9% of the time Now all I need to focus on is that it is not punitive. I'm getting there slowly
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