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Old 07-08-2020, 05:28 PM   #1
knitlove
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Default I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Dh just had a conversation with me about how he doesn't think is showing any fruit. That the children yell and run off and generally take advantage of me because.

I must admit that especially recently that there behavior has been horrable.

But I don't let them get away with not doing thing. The things happen


I am incredibly frustrated because I work really really hard to be consistent and not threatenna punishment that I won't follow though on. I see Dh doing this all the time. He will threaten to ake away the video he does with them at bed time and then at bed time will back out because nue doesn't want to deal with the fall out. Or he will set a consiqience that I have to enforce.


I also find it madeing that he will walk off when he is too frustrated and leave me to deal with the mess but thinks it is incrwabidbly unacceptable that they will walk off when they are mad.

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Old 07-08-2020, 07:29 PM   #2
charla
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

You all are going through such major upheaval that it is bound to affect your kiddos. I'm not really sure if too many of us are on our best behavior with all that's going on in the world right now. It's scary, our routines are changed, nothing is normal. It's a strange world we find ourselves in. I can't remember exactly but you are dealing with some extra needs as well that factor in, too.

I promise grace-based parenting does show fruit. It definitely takes awhile. I know it's hard to stay the course when you don't see anything making a difference, but I promise that it is. You will see it. Developing a close and safe bond with our kids is definitely worth it. You being their safe place to land when all of life is crazy is worth it. Keep doing what you know to do: reflect feelings, offer scripts, offer re-do's, set limits, above all take time to connect. I see that TRBI is still offering their 101 classes for free. I know it takes some time to go through, but these classes were hugely encouraging to me. Maybe your husband would also find them helpful? My husband and I went through them together and it was so helpful. I know that the classes were developed for adoptive parents whose children had faced trauma, but we all are facing trauma right now and I think the concepts apply to a variety of situations and lend themselves really well to grace-based parenting.
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Old 07-08-2020, 08:42 PM   #3
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

I am sure they are having a difficult time and probably picking up on yours and DHís stress. Is it possible to let go of schooling and focus on fun things you can do together right now? Itís really hard to want to connect when youíve all been stuck together for months, but even something like watching funny cat videos together can help sometimes. Iím really sorry your DH is making it harder. Iím sure heís having a lot of big feelings too right now.

As far as results there are no guarantees that your kid will turn out x if you do y. GBD is more about doing the right thing because itís right, not because it will make them (insert whatever expectation here). Usually that eventually produces good human beings. They arenít done growing yet, none of us are. You are doing a great job. Go easy on yourself, you all have been through a lot lately.


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Old 07-08-2020, 08:47 PM   #4
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

I'm sorry. You're already dealing with so much, hearing this must feel especially disheartening.

With everything that is going on, both for your family personally and for the world generally, it's wholly expected that it would be reflected in their behaviour. You're doing amazing just by doing the necessary things each day.

I know you already know this, but sometimes it can be hard to remember in these difficult seasons: grace-based parenting is focused on the long-term relationship with and emotional health of the child. Sometimes that fruit doesn't show up in short-term behaviour, but they are slowly gaining the tools to show themselves grace and to self-regulate their own behaviour in a non-shame-based way.

With those purposes in mind, do you feel that changes need to be made? It sounds like you're doing well with setting limits, maintaining consistency, and following through with your words.
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Old 07-08-2020, 09:39 PM   #5
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

If early bird could deal with changes I would totally drop school and just do thing to connect. But if we stop school she can't deal with starting it back up we will have to add one small thing in at a time, not just over a week or two but over months. I tried one year to take the school holidays and we ended up getting half done that year that we normally would have in things like math because she can not just start back up. When we moved i stoped school for 3 months and then we spent 4 months to get back to a full load, and it took 4 more months before she want complaining every day that school is horable. A full load could be accomplished in 3 or 4 hours of even some what focused work, 2 hours or less of actually focus.

Do I think things need to change? I do wish my children would not scream at me loud enough to leave my ears ringing and actually talk to me about a problem that we could work together to solve rather than huffing and then screaming that I won't understand and stomping off.

Are we or should I say we're we making progress. Yes we were. Things were not this bad before the move and things were getting better. They aren't getting much better now. Even with early bird on add meds we are backsliding some.

I know they have gone though a lot.

I know that early bird is sometimes freaking out not by choice but because things are so freaking loud in her head she can't cope and the endofiens from freaking out make her brain quieter for a tiny bit.

Dh did not grow up in a family that showed grace, honislty as far a behavioral I didn't either. By the time I was 4 if I showed any anger I was isolated untill I was under compmet control and could talk in a non emotial way about it. Dh was spanked and punished if he expressed any decent.

That is not what we want for our children. But some level of self control that thoes method had gotten us to be able to express by middle school would be greatly appreciated.

Dh has neaver been around the girls this much for this long. He has neaver been here while I was trying to do school while within ear shot. When we was working from home in Vermont he was much more acusticoy isolated.

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Old 07-08-2020, 11:19 PM   #6
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

I hear you. I prefer year round schooling too. I cannot stand re-entry troubles. If you had to pick one thing to work on right now what would it be? If you arenít in a place to troubleshoot it thatís ok too.


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Old 07-08-2020, 11:55 PM   #7
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

I don't know.if I was picking one think it would be the screaming. I get screamed at a lot. I work very hard to not tell at them. Early bird will say I am yelling at her if she can detect any frustration in my voice, say the 5 time I have tried to get her attention to do something. (If I touch her finger her attention she will frequently growl and snap her teeth at me like an animal.)

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Old 07-09-2020, 07:35 AM   #8
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit


Earlybird sounds a lot like my oldest. I have to look at the growth we've seen. She no longer hits. She is using words more than growling. Her recovery time from meltdowns is shorter.

Can you see that you are teaching your kids they matter? That you want them to manage their feelings better but that you also are not scared of or offended by them having feelings?

That is HUGE. Perhaps in this season the fruit will be seen more in you than in the kids. In the ways you are growing as a parent.

Do they like crafts? I have found that doing some small craft kits that have clear finishing points is really helpful. Less creative than the way I like to approach art, but really good through repetitive movements and the sense of satisfaction at completion.
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Old 07-09-2020, 08:31 AM   #9
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

This has been a challenging time for everyone and it sounds like you have some additional things going on. I would recommend choosing your priorities and letting go of whatever you can right now.

I want to encourage you from the perspective of someone whose oldest is in his last year as a minor child that this is a long term parenting method. The times when it looks fruitless are dips in the overall trend. I've had my own grown up tantrum moments this year. When your almost grown child who is going through his own stuff sees you melt down and says to you, "You seem really upset. Do you need a hug? I accept your apology. I understand" you know the dips were worth it.
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Old 07-09-2020, 05:01 PM   #10
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

I can promise you that if you were screaming back at your girls, they would not scream less. And just think how you would feel about your day at the end of it. You can be proud of yourself for doing what you know is right, even when you're not seeing fruit.
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Old 07-09-2020, 06:04 PM   #11
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

For the screaming I think a lot of kids (and sometimes adults) with disabilities truly donít realize how loud they are. They feel strongly and their volume reflects that. C is like this and at 15, I will just say ďDo you realize you are screaming/shouting at me?Ē. And he will try again lower but still not quite a normal volume but he catches it and hits a normal volume on the third try usually. And yes, heís totally acutely aware of any whisper of irritation in my voice and feels yelled at then even though Iím not raising my voice at all. It took years to get to this point but I think the breakthrough was when I told him when you are yelling, it stresses me out and my brain canít even process what you are saying or understand what you need.

When he was little and shrieked a lot, I would cover my ears and loudly say ďOw, that hurts my ears!Ē. I found it necessary to be a little more dramatic than I normally would. Yours are probably way too old for that.
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Old 07-09-2020, 06:55 PM   #12
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

AFA screaming, what have you tried to address it already? Are there consequences that you’ve tried? For example, “if you continue screaming at me I will not have energy to go get books at the library later”. Or a sticker Chart for a reward to help with motivation to change the habit of screaming. “Screaming is a bad habit and makes living peacefully as a family difficult. To help form new habits, every day with no screaming gets a sticker at the end of the day. (You could set a shorter goal—every school subject or chore completed gets a sticker).“ Ten stickers means picking out a new book/choosing a meal to cook with mom/going to the park/whatever reward you think would provide some reasonable motivation.
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Old 07-11-2020, 11:06 AM   #13
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetpeasmommy View Post
For the screaming I think a lot of kids (and sometimes adults) with disabilities truly donít realize how loud they are. They feel strongly and their volume reflects that. C is like this and at 15, I will just say ďDo you realize you are screaming/shouting at me?Ē. And he will try again lower but still not quite a normal volume but he catches it and hits a normal volume on the third try usually. And yes, heís totally acutely aware of any whisper of irritation in my voice and feels yelled at then even though Iím not raising my voice at all. It took years to get to this point but I think the breakthrough was when I told him when you are yelling, it stresses me out and my brain canít even process what you are saying or understand what you need.

When he was little and shrieked a lot, I would cover my ears and loudly say ďOw, that hurts my ears!Ē. I found it necessary to be a little more dramatic than I normally would. Yours are probably way too old for that.
My BIL has three daughters who went through a lot of trauma and between that and the teen years coming things get pretty dramatic. One thing that has surprisingly helped is getting a camera set up in the main living area of their house. It records automatically whenever there is movement so it captures most of the fights. He has the girls who were having the fight watch the video with him "so he can better understand what happened". They are always surprised how loud they get or how mean they are to each other and really seem to be trying to reign it in...when they remember.
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Old 07-11-2020, 12:10 PM   #14
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

We have a camera and I can vouch that this works. It hasnít been plugged in for a long time but when it was he used to look back at the footage. He forgets what he said when heated and denies that he did or said something. Listening to it back was really helpful at realizing his tone, itís not just me saying it without cause.


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Old 07-11-2020, 07:44 PM   #15
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Default Re: I thought grace baised parenting would show fruit

this thread has been really helpful
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