kids and pet death

[kiloyd]

I wanted our kids to bury our cat with me and dh doesn't. This started a discussion about how even if it was a family person he would not want them to see the body, to spare their emotions.

I had to bury a couple hamsters and cats growing up. I cried and moved on and I think they will too.

How do you view pet death?

[Johns_Gal]

I've lost several pets. Some effected me more than others. Most, I've been okay with, it hurts and I've cried but then I move on, but two... two really got to me. I think I'd go with whatever the kids want, and maybe put her body in a box so they don't have to see it, this being their first go-round with death and all.

[kiloyd]

That's what I think too. Dh only ever had one dog and she was hit by a car. So maybe that's why he's more sensitive. You one and only dog dies, I think that is a more memorable traumatic moment then a couple hamsters and 3 or 4 cats over the years.

I think our 9 yr old should be given a choice. yeah, I'll put her in a box. Oh! I hate talking about this when she is alive and laying on the bathroom rug right now, waaahhhhh!

[Charlie U]

I had the Wonder Dog euthanized at the vet. They gave me an option of picking up her ashes later. I just couldn't. I didn't tell them beforehand, either. I just waited until they came home from school and let them know she was gone. Well, we said she died. They knew she wasn't well and couldn't really move and was suffering.

[Amber]

I think letting the kids be there for burying a pet can give them closure and help in processing their grief. If they don't (or you don't want them to see her dead) you could wrap her up in a blanket or put her in a box.

I don't think there is any way to really spare their emotions, or that we should especially as our children get older. Death is a part of life, it is sad, and it is okay to feel sad and miss their pet. My boys are 4 and 6, both our dog and cat are 11+ years, so how I will handle pet death is something I have thought about. I do plan on letting my boys be a part of burying our animals when the time comes.

[kiloyd]

I agree, grieving is normal. DH doesn't like this cat but the kids and I love her, I want them with me.

I'm going to talk to him about compromising and putting her in a box. I really don't think the 5 and 3 yr will care. The 9 yr old will be sad but it will not freak him out to see her dead. He and I can cry together.

[expatmom]

Death is a natural part of life. I'd much prefer that my children be introduced to the concept of death via the loss of a beloved pet rather then a beloved family member. I think pet death is a safe way to process loss and grief.

[swimming with sharks]

Having lots of animals growing up and learning that death (while sad and hard ) is a part of life was a good thing. I think that losing pets helps us deal with death and gives us practice (it sounds so cold and clinical when I say it like that) but I don't want their first exposure to death to be a grandparent or friend. I want to have talked through emotions and answered questions, etc etc before it's so hard that it's immobilizing. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[kiloyd]

Originally Posted by expatmom

Death is a natural part of life. I'd much prefer that my children be introduced to the concept of death via the loss of a beloved pet rather then a beloved family member. I think pet death is a safe way to process loss and grief.

I totally agree!

In dh's mind, he's not saying pretend she didn't die, but just say, I buried Patches today, she died. I think they should be part of the funeral. I need to talk to him tonight and compromise and have her in a box. I think he mainly does not want them to see a dead body.

I would get it if it was a hit by car and gross, but a peaceful dead body is not going to freak them out. They've seen a dead bird or dead mouse I think.

[MomtoJGJ]

I've said this other times in other ways... it is NOT sparing their emotions to not let them be a part of her death. It is hindering their emotions and making it way worse... they are going to know she's gone, they already know she's sick (even A knows whether you can tell it or not) and not letting them be a part of burying/saying goodbye AFTER she's gone will make things WAY WAY WAY worse in the long run.

children have no way of processing 'gone forever' if you just talk about it and not let them see it. Even after seeing the body it's still hard to process that the person/animal is not coming back ever.

and if you want to tell him this, my kids have seen several open casket funerals and burials of people they were very very close to.... they are not emotionally scarred... but Julianna has a harder time (she was too little to remember) putting it all together than Jayden and Grace...

It's not going to freak them out unless they are told to freak out... they have no basis of thinking to freak out unless they've been taught that, and with it never having been an issue before I seriously doubt there'll be more than genuine curiosity...

[mama-hobbit]

We always have a pet funeral (we've lost 4 furry friends in the past year). The animal is always wrapped in an old towel, sometimes in a box, and the kids have the option of looking at it's body, but I make sure they don't *have* to if they don't want to. They help dig, and then we say something nice about the pet and pray for God to take care of it & our hearts. If you are calm about it, they will be ok - they'll learn that death is very sad, but not the end... and they'll get to grieve over a pet (even if it's a goldfish) before they have to face the loss of a friend or family member.

[cobluegirl]

We just put one of our lizards down and the kids are going with me to bury it. It is part of the grieving process.