My least favorite quote of the week from Keven Leman

[ThreeKids]

I'm shy out of introvertedness. Really, if someone had assigned such negative intent to my shyness as a child, I would've seen it for what it was, one more place where adults were wrong about me.

For my sister, though, she was shy out of self-consciousness and sensitivity and never wanting to take a chance on anyone thinking she did the wrong thing. For someone to assign negative intent to THAT would have seriously damaged her. I could see that leading to downright social phobia for her.

[Beth1231]

I've seen a few adults use the appearance of shyness as a manipulative tool. But children...especialy young children.... No, definitely not.

That's disappointing to read from him, but after reading a few of his books in the past I know he is the last born of three, a total class clown EXTROVERT type and he probably just doesn't have a clue in this area. That's a shame that he put those words in that order and with that negative spin on it.

[tofufoofoo]

Originally Posted by TwoKids

For my sister, though, she was shy out of self-consciousness and sensitivity and never wanting to take a chance on anyone thinking she did the wrong thing. For someone to assign negative intent to THAT would have seriously damaged her. I could see that leading to downright social phobia for her.

That is my sister too, but I think she was further damaged by my dad always pushing her into social situations she was horrified of as a child. He claimed she was being manipulative and also lazy. She is so crippled now by social phobia that she can't fill out job applications or leave the house. It is really sad because she is a very intelligent, fun, goofy and sweet girl but I think only me and our younger sister ever see her true colors

[Two Little Birds]

Originally Posted by TwoKids

I'm shy out of introvertedness. Really, if someone had assigned such negative intent to my shyness as a child, I would've seen it for what it was, one more place where adults were wrong about me.

For my sister, though, she was shy out of self-consciousness and sensitivity and never wanting to take a chance on anyone thinking she did the wrong thing. For someone to assign negative intent to THAT would have seriously damaged her. I could see that leading to downright social phobia for her.

This was me. I can't tell you how many times I "knew" I should say hi or something to classmates or people but was frozen in my fear.

[jandjmommy]

While I acknowledge that there are naturally shy children -- and adults -- I agree with Leman that for most kids shyness is in fact a form of manipulation to gain attention -- which is counterintuitive as truly shy people would do just about anything to deflect attention from themselves.
I see this in action many times every Sunday I teach bible class for 3 yr olds -- the kid(s) hiding behind Mom's skirt while she excuses him/peels him off her leg with an "Oh, he's shy" disclaimer. Of course once Mom is gone he's friendly and outgoing as can be -- it's just a relationship dynamic that the mom causes/plays into.
From the get go we taught our kids to respond when someone spoke to them; e.g., cashier at a store says, "Hello there!" and I expect my kids to say "Hello!" back with eye contact and a smile (much modeling and suggesting words they could say back to someone.)
If someone accuses one of my kids as being "shy" my kids understand that is a "nice" (or passive aggressive--depending on the intent of the adult) way to say they're being rude. Of course we want our children to be polite, to be socialized in the true sense of the word. And part of that -- getting along in society -- is interacting with people whether you really love to or not.

[kiloyd]

I certainly did not want attention when I was a child and shy. But once I warmed up I'd talk your ear off!

What an awful thing to say

[erinee]

.

[raining_kisses]

The thought that people think children use shyness to manipulate is literally making me feel nauseous and panicky. I remember how I felt. Except I was FORCED to respond verbally to people I was uncomfortable with, forced to give them a hug or kiss on the cheek, etc. Now I am an adult who has a hard time saying no and sticking up for myself and my children. I never told on people when they did some pretty awful things to me, because in my mind, it would make them uncomfortable and that wouldn't have been polite. I think overriding a child's instincts is a very dangerous thing.

Children will learn politeness. They will learn by watching you model it for them. Lydia, who was the most incredibly shy toddler/preschooler/young child, is now almost a tween, and knows how to carry on polite conversation with people.

[ShiriChayim]

Originally Posted by jandjmommy

While I acknowledge that there are naturally shy children -- and adults -- I agree with Leman that for most kids shyness is in fact a form of manipulation to gain attention -- which is counterintuitive as truly shy people would do just about anything to deflect attention from themselves.
I see this in action many times every Sunday I teach bible class for 3 yr olds -- the kid(s) hiding behind Mom's skirt while she excuses him/peels him off her leg with an "Oh, he's shy" disclaimer. Of course once Mom is gone he's friendly and outgoing as can be -- it's just a relationship dynamic that the mom causes/plays into.
From the get go we taught our kids to respond when someone spoke to them; e.g., cashier at a store says, "Hello there!" and I expect my kids to say "Hello!" back with eye contact and a smile (much modeling and suggesting words they could say back to someone.)
If someone accuses one of my kids as being "shy" my kids understand that is a "nice" (or passive aggressive--depending on the intent of the adult) way to say they're being rude. Of course we want our children to be polite, to be socialized in the true sense of the word. And part of that -- getting along in society -- is interacting with people whether you really love to or not.

A 3yo really doesn't have the developmental maturity to intentionally manipulate anyone, so I would really have to disagree with you there. I've dealt with this with my own kids, and I know that especially in those preschool years transitions are really hard, and the natural inclination is to want to cling to mom. I work with all of my children to have the confidence to go into class knowing they will have fun and I will be back, and I also transition them slowly to be able to do it. But it's certainly not manipulative.

[Heather Micaela]

Originally Posted by WingsOfTheMorning

I'm an introvert too...but I agree with him a tiny bit. I don't think a shy child is being manipulative. I certainly think they should be able to warm up to pp at their own pace (it takes me a while too). And making small talk is a huge effort for me.

BUT it helped me a lot as a teenager and even now to realize that my fear of what people think of me holds me back from being able to help others. In fact, when I don't say anything to someone b/c I feel shy, they often interpret that as me being snobbish or disliking them. Just like an extrovert who dominates the conversation could be considered self-centered, me not talking at all in some situations is also self-centered.

I do think that quote puts a really negative spin on the issue though especially when talking about young children.

But there is a difference between an child and a teen. I am an extrovert, but I was so shy as a child that I wasn't even aware of that. (And you can be a shy extrovert or an outgoing introvert, btw). But I had serious anxiety over unfamiliar situations. And sometimes I was so slow to warm up I would not warm up at all. But over time I matured to the point that my shyness has almost disappered and my desire to be be around people has been better met.

Originally Posted by Kangababys Mom

I have a niece who did/does use shyness as a manipulative too. It was VERY aggrivating, BUT I think she's an exception to the rule.

My kids have had times that they were very shy and it just took them longer to warm up. Once they felt comfortable, a stranger walking into the room would have never known they were feeling shy 10 minutes before, KWIM?

But what are they trying to manipulate? If it is not being kind to someone or whatnot, then my chidl will be made to do it anyway. But it is not mainipulating to acknowledge that you find a sceanario uncomfortable and use the word shy to explain that.

Originally Posted by jandjmommy

While I acknowledge that there are naturally shy children -- and adults -- I agree with Leman that for most kids shyness is in fact a form of manipulation to gain attention -- which is counterintuitive as truly shy people would do just about anything to deflect attention from themselves.
I see this in action many times every Sunday I teach bible class for 3 yr olds -- the kid(s) hiding behind Mom's skirt while she excuses him/peels him off her leg with an "Oh, he's shy" disclaimer. Of course once Mom is gone he's friendly and outgoing as can be -- it's just a relationship dynamic that the mom causes/plays into.
From the get go we taught our kids to respond when someone spoke to them; e.g., cashier at a store says, "Hello there!" and I expect my kids to say "Hello!" back with eye contact and a smile (much modeling and suggesting words they could say back to someone.)
If someone accuses one of my kids as being "shy" my kids understand that is a "nice" (or passive aggressive--depending on the intent of the adult) way to say they're being rude. Of course we want our children to be polite, to be socialized in the true sense of the word. And part of that -- getting along in society -- is interacting with people whether you really love to or not.

Then you are just blessed with kids that are not shy. I have 5 kids. Of the 4 that speak 2 are shy. And though all have been taught to be friendly, one will just act like she didn't hear so it does NOT look rude if someone says hello. If she does make eye contact she says hi almost inaudably and then looks away. The other will actually frown . Meanwhile the 2yo is willing to have the stranger pick her up and cart her off And my ds knows the name and age of every kid in the park before we leave. And I am pretty sure the youngest is outgoing because the shy acted shy since birth and the outgoing acted like him. They can learn skills and confidence and I avoid labeling my kids as shy, but I still let them be who they are.

That being said I do encourage my child to reach out to others. I have even been willing to go up to the girls on park day and introduce her to them for her and get her started in a game. She would rather sit in her chair and complain she was bored. Her loss. I am not sure what she would be "manipulating" though - to be more bored?

Originally Posted by ShiriChayim

A 3yo really doesn't have the developmental maturity to intentionally manipulate anyone, so I would really have to disagree with you there. I've dealt with this with my own kids, and I know that especially in those preschool years transitions are really hard, and the natural inclination is to want to cling to mom. I work with all of my children to have the confidence to go into class knowing they will have fun and I will be back, and I also transition them slowly to be able to do it. But it's certainly not manipulative.

I was a preschool teacher. YES the kids warm up and have fun after mom leaves. But that does not make their desire to stay with mom any less real

[CarissaJoy]

I wish that Leman would have mentioned that this is not always true, and that parents should be sensitive to their children. I know that as a child, I hated people "labeling" me.

This discussion really made me think...I have an incredibly shy son. I used to be a teacher, and I remember the term "self-fulfilling prophecy"--if you label a child a certain way, they will tend to adopt that identity. Maybe when a child gets labeled as shy over and over, they start acting shy all the time, knowing that their mom expects no more of them. Shyness becomes a part of their identity. We all use our personalities at times to manipulate, especially when we are not walking with God, and a child who believes that all he/she is is shy could use "shy" behavior when they are older. But I know many people who are painfully shy, and the behavior is not manipulative. I am realizing that I need to be careful not to tell people "he's shy," just let him be himself, and gently teach him to at least smile at others.

I think one thing that helps shy children is to invite people into your home often. Home is the place where children feel most secure, and inviting people to a secure place for the child helps him/her learn to be friendly. My son is shy, but we have had quite a bit of company. We talk before they arrive about smiling at them (he is only 2, so I don't expect too much), and about sharing toys with them. Ds is also always welcome to come and just sit on my lap. Last time we had people over, he was eager to share his toys with them, and talk to them about his tractor book, etc.

[SouthPaw]

Huh, smells like a cow patty in here...

[FebFaith]

I just thought shy was/is a personality trait.

[saturnfire16]

Originally Posted by Kangababys Mom

I have a niece who did/does use shyness as a manipulative too. It was VERY aggrivating, BUT I think she's an exception to the rule.

My kids have had times that they were very shy and it just took them longer to warm up. Once they felt comfortable, a stranger walking into the room would have never known they were feeling shy 10 minutes before, KWIM?

Yep, dd1 is VERY outgoing 90% of the time. Just talks to anyone! But occasionally, for whatever reason, she gets very shy. And it never fails, someone has to go make a stupid comment about it and if they have never met her they just assume that is the way she always is. And then she naturally warms up and ends up chatting away and they give themselves the credit for bringing her out of her shell.