What changed your perspective?

[blessedmamaofmany]

Originally Posted by rjy9343

But you saw what you were doing was wrong and stopped. That makes a huge difference in your relationship with your kids. And your kids now will be armed with truth before they are parents instead of feeling their way for it.

I hope so. I hope they learn from my mistakes and take the good from it.

[iwillhope]

It was a combination of things for me. Growing up I was spanked for everything. That was my dad's toolkit. One time, when I was 16, my dad told me to get a tape for my gma (who lived with us) to listen to while we went to church. I asked him 'which one?' Well, he immediately said I was back talking him and I got a spanking. A few days later he apologized to me. That was the only spanking he ever apologized for.

My dad never let us go out places with friends from church. Never. Like alone, in friends cars. Well when I was 17, after a youth outing, our pastors daughter and me and friends went for a joy ride around town. I was supposed to have gotten a ride home with someone else. So an hour after I should have been home, I got home and dad and mom were waiting for me. I got a spanking. It was humiliating.

I had learned to never question my dad about anything but the above example was the only time I questioned him. Hence, when I was 18, he discussed this 'i will keep you safe' courtship, refer suitors to him, etc, kind of thing with me. Well, I assumed, based upon previous times, that to disagree and question him and actually do what I wanted would warrant getting into trouble so I signed it. I didn't want to sign it. It would come to bite me later.

When I was 19 I was kicked out of college. I was going to run away the day I left the college b/c I didn't want to go home. Dad and mom came and got me instead. At first dad acted all loving, 'perfect love casts out all fear.' We began talking at dinner time, etc. Soon these talks turned into late late late night wee hours of the morning brain washing...he eventually demanding I break up with the guy I got kicked out of college with. So I wrote the letter, dad read it, marked it all in read, I rewrote the letter and sent it to the guy. That fall, back at college, I got back with the guy. My parents were devastated. "you lied to us! how could you do this! after all we did for you!' I eventually broke up with the guy a few months later...ON MY OWN!

When I was 21 and graduating from college, I am driving down the interstate with my dad in the passenger seat and he asks me if I am a virgin. Ok, we just never talked about stuff like that. I said yes. A month later I told them n the phone I was pregnant. Refer back to that paper I signed but didn't want to sign and signed it out of fear...his response? "you lied to me! you signed that paper!' (side note, if I would have said 'no dad, I am not a virgin' while driving down the interstate I probably would not be here today.)

When I was 24, single mom, my dad comes to me and says 'you are unmarried and need tobe under the umbrella protection of me. etc etc.' Well, I already know that if I say no then I will be brainwashed. I had a 2 year old to get to bed and it was already 9pm...so guess what I do? I said yes dad, i will be under your umbrella protection.

A few months later I decided to marry someone they didn't approve of. "you are under my umbrella protection! you lied to me! how could you?" So I married the guy out of rebellion when I was 25 and have regretted it ever since b/c he was controlling and abusive...just like my dad.

I have been disowned so many times by my family...it's worse than a roller coaster. I have finally learned to just keep my mouth shut, ask God for help!!!!!!!! and forgive them. It's hard. Because it hurts to be 'the black sheep of the family.'

THEN...I don't spank! I don't do a LOT of things I was taught growing up. And my parents are missionaries! GASP...our family does NOT have a daughter who:

1. gets pregnant out of wedlock
2. marries a divorced man
3. divorces that man
4. has another baby out of wedlock (from another abusive relationship)
5. remarries

When I had my oldest, it felt wrong to spank, but that is what my sister did and she was praised for having such great kids so I did it. I was more nurturing and AP, so I was more lenient in my spanking. Like I didn't spank for everything. I did smack his hand when he was a toddler. I made plenty of regrettable mistakes that I am ashamed of. Being married to an abuser made me angry inside; how my family treated me made me angry inside. I became an angry person.

Spanking never worked with my children. It never made sense to me about a lot of things like what is discussed on this board. It felt wrong in my heart. I too was confused about Bible references of how a rod can be used to spank and comfort. That if spanking is like how God is, why do I want a God like my dad? If I had to perform to gain my parents acceptance, was God that way too?

After I left my ex, I gave up on God bc I was performing and didn't get results. After a VERY abusive relationship that I am grateful to be alive and God used to place a baby with a family whom they were all meant for each other, and I married this awesome man who loves me unconditionally, and God has created healing in me and oh wow! What a loving, hard, difficult, sorrowful, joyous journey it has been in my recovery process...and last year I found this board while searching for gentle mothering, I believe. So grateful to have found you.

I don't want my kids to ever have to go through what I went through. So as I am learning I am apologizing to my kids for every wrong I have committed against them during my punitive parenting years.

eta: bc i was forced to comply and not encouraged to an independent thinker, well, it has affected my adult life. Learning as an adult how to stand up to opposition, be strong, make positive logical thinking choices that I believe in has been difficult.

---------- Post added at 01:31 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:39 AM ----------

so my mind is running and I am going to catch up. My perspective changing was a long process over the course of many years. My oldest is 17, my next is 13. When they were about 8 and 4, I realized that everything God was leading me through and i was struggling with so were my children. God used my children to teach me about Him...God used them to change my perspective.

Like many moms, I have immense regrettable moments of 'disciplining' my children when actually I was hurting their tiny fragile hearts. The haunting memory of their tear, their eyes, their fear...it will never leave me. Several times I would break down after and just hold my son and apologize over and over again, but not knowing how to choose a different route BECAUSE that style of parenting was all around me! It was our church, my family...it was everywhere!!!!!!! Oh and my then husband.

And today I felt ashamed. To the moms who feel shame, don't let that get you down! Just know that shame is the one thing that will keep you beaten down on the ground and God has shown you a new way...HIS LOVING WAY! And Satan wants to keep you locked in shame b/c it will destroy you and your family. It is so good to know I am wrapped in the loving arms of Christ Jesus.