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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing. A public forum. Before posting here, please read this sticky and keep guideline 23 in mind:
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06-05-2012, 01:31 PM | #1 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 2,963
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... And I'm the Strict One!
Well, ladies, do you know what's a show-stopper in a nicely chatting group of Christian Mommies?
It's when the strictest parent there casually mentions that she doesn't spank. Here's the circle of my friends and acquaintances when I mentioned it: Friend 1: "You don't???" Me: "Yeah, I used to, but I haven't in a long time." Friend 2: "Really?" Me: "I try not to do anything harsh at all, really." Friend 1: "Well... but... your kids are angels." Friend 2: "Some kids just don't need it." Friend 1: "Yeah, I had one that spanking didn't work for." Friend 2 to 1: "It's not the right tool for every child." Friend 1 to me: "You can leave if you want to, if you think it's cruel." Me: "No, I just think it's unnecessary." Friend 2: "Well... you've got angels." Conversation continues on which kids "need" it, with lots of "funny" stories. Apparently, their various children's persistent poor habits means the Mom should do more of what they are already doing (spanking), but the consistent excellence of my children has nothing to do with my methods: they were born that way. Do these people really believe random selection gave me two angels, that I never had to really parent 'the hard way' -- while they received an assortment of challenges my methods could never meet? I should extra-respect them for raising more difficult children, beyond my scope of experience? Even if they "have to" hit these challenging children, and even if hitting them isn't showing any benefits!
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Everything written here is the musing and mumblings of an ordinary person. Even if I take myself too seriously, there's no reason for any of you to make the same mistake! Pam, 35 yo Christian for 20 y Married for 15 y Mother to "J" 8 yo, and "M" 5 yo INTJ, DYT 4, Canadian 1 more class until I'm done at Seminary Adjunct Faculty at a Bible College |
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06-05-2012, 01:39 PM | #2 |
Banned
"When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!" - Unknown
Join Date: May 2012
Location: New York City, NY
Posts: 1,868
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
Last time I checked, being a Mama is hard work, whether you spank or not. I've been accused of being strict, and accused of not being strict enough. So, whatever.
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06-05-2012, 01:41 PM | #3 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 5,271
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
__________________
So there you have it- I'm an INTJ. Embracing my inner geek.
Doula in training. Momma to "Sister" 5yo "Scoomer" 3yo |
06-05-2012, 02:10 PM | #4 |
Moderator
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 6,531
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
I used to get told all the time that I didn't spank because I didnt need to (ie my kids were easier than their kids). Sigh.
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06-05-2012, 02:34 PM | #5 |
Deactivated
Peace be with you.
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: the sweet sunny south
Posts: 15,346
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
Brilliant analysis, bolt. But even though that must have been a frustrating conversation, I expect that won't be the end of the matter. I bet that they will watch the mothering you model and pick up useful ideas from it.
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06-05-2012, 02:47 PM | #6 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,580
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
I was going to say the same thing Kathy did, but she put it much more eloquently then I would have
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Wife to first date since 2005
Mama to A (ds) , Nov 2009 Sweet baby C (dd) born Feb 2012 staying at home and loving it! learning to be a more grace filled, gentle mama |
06-05-2012, 03:35 PM | #7 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: DFW
Posts: 5,564
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
I love how they gave you permission to leave, as though they were your authority too.
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Mai
Married to my love, Jimmy 3/9/2000 Grateful Mama to: Trinity Rain - The Matrix, 2004 Jackson Atreyu - The Neverending Story, 2006 Bella Adalyn - Twilight, 2009 and introducing: Lincoln Ambassador - Fringe, 12/16/2012 remembering Aviva Ata '08 |
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06-05-2012, 03:42 PM | #8 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 2,963
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
Nah, that's just a Canadian-ism, more like, "Don't feel you have to stay if you'd rather not." It was actually quite a friendly conversation. I just found the illogical assumptions amusing.
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Everything written here is the musing and mumblings of an ordinary person. Even if I take myself too seriously, there's no reason for any of you to make the same mistake! Pam, 35 yo Christian for 20 y Married for 15 y Mother to "J" 8 yo, and "M" 5 yo INTJ, DYT 4, Canadian 1 more class until I'm done at Seminary Adjunct Faculty at a Bible College |
06-05-2012, 04:01 PM | #9 |
Deactivated
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: In my Pants
Posts: 12,181
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
I have perfect kids too.
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06-05-2012, 04:09 PM | #10 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,452
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
My immediate family knows we don't, and I think my bff knows. But I've never discussed it with most of our other friends/acquaintances. I'm kind of scared to until my kids are older and past the random melt-down stage...I don't want extra scrutiny when that happens!
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INTJ-with-feelings
Wife to ISFP Computer Guy (2003) Mommy to: Creative, Thinking Boy (04/2008) Spunky Little Lady (08/2010) Snuggle-bug Sweetie (09/2014) |
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06-05-2012, 04:17 PM | #11 |
Guest
Posts: n/a
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
I HATE the "he's so good" or "you're so lucky to have such a sweetie" or variations thereof! Not, mind you, "what good manners he has!" or "he's so polite" or "clearly mom has taught you really well how to talk to adults" or other things that acknowledge that there are skills involved, but the "what a natural angel descended into our lives!"
Similarly, I had a friend in high school who always commented on how "lucky" I was to get better grades than she did. Um, yeah, all that luck accumulated when I was sitting at my desk all night long.... |
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06-05-2012, 10:36 PM | #13 |
Rose Trellis
Deuteronomy 11:19
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,052
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
I am not the strictest parent, but G rarely disobeys in public (mostly I believe because he isn't as comfortable in public he is rather shy so rarely does anything to need reproof or correction to begin with). M is so content in the Mei Tie most of the time everyone says he must be my easy baby, yes and no.
G was easy in ways M is so difficult and visa versa, they are so different it is impossible to say if one was easier then the other, they are/were both very easy and very difficult. Most people don't know that I've decided not to spank (my husband hasn't come to the same conclusion yet, but he feels that VERY few circumstances require spankings so I have time to work on him ), my parents now know that I don't spank and why, they were confused and concerned at first, but after talking a bit and explaining a few biblical misconceptions they understood and are now supportive ! I do have a few long distance friends that are super Pearl supporters, the wife (a long time friend of mine) sent me CTBHHM (Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl) at a time when I was very weak spiritually, in knowledge, wisdom, and practice, so I swallowed it hook, line and sinker for about 6 weeks. It put so much pressure on me I decided something was wrong, Jesus came to free us, not give us a shovel to dig a deeper pit. Eventually I found the podcasts of Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Wa. The Holy Spirit opened my eye's to SO many different things through his sermons, not just the Pearls, that were wrong in my thinking...it took 6m, but it healed my crumbling marriage, brought peace to my soul like I'd never known before, and began the 2 1/2 year journey to the decision to parent my children with the Grace God has 'parented' me. Hmmm, didn't expect this post to turn out the way it did...lol, gotta the routes the HS takes us, so unexpected!
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"Reflections like these lead one to spare the rod ... purely because it is not easy to find a punishment that does not defeat it's own ends." -Charlotte Mason Parents and Children pg. 171 "If punishment were necessarily reformative, and able to cure us all of those 'sins we have a mind to,' why, the world would be a very good world;" -Charlotte Mason, Parents and Children pg. 172 W&C 8/4/06; G 15yo , M 11yo , S 8/29/13 , V 8yo , Baby 2yo |
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06-05-2012, 11:04 PM | #14 |
Rose Garden
Hopeful.
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Dallas (ish)
Posts: 3,596
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
This is totally random, but I'll share anyway. (Because I don't really self-censor very well after midnight.) Yesterday as I was watering my plants I was thinking about some GCM conversations and threads and how I really appreciate your input and insight, bolt. And I was mentally bemoaning how I know so very little about you other than what's in your siggy. (Maybe you share more somewhere where I'm not paying attention. )
So anyway, I'm just tickled pink to see a little anecdote from your real life. I feel like I know you better already! And I second (third?) what Kathy said! So true. My friends pretty much all know I don't spank and I hear similar things from time to time. It's silly that they can't hear their own inconsistencies and lack of logic. I make liberal use of bean dip, unless someone in a one on one convo is genuinely curious.
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Married in 2003 to my favorite person in the wide world
Joyful momma to: B - 7.5, my pensive planner D - 5.5, my spunky sunshine C - 3.5, my cuddly cutie And baby girl A, born April 28! Why, yes, I am ENFP But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. James 3:17-18 |
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06-07-2012, 06:18 AM | #15 |
Deactivated
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 38,127
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Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!
I once had someone tell me "you must have easy children", and the children's minister of the church we were attending was standing next to me. She looked at me; I looked at her, and we both started laughing hysterically.
Think what you want about my parenting, but I don't have easy kids. |
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