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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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View Poll Results: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
Pearl's / Woodshed's 20 16.39%
Dobson's 51 41.80%
Fugate's 4 3.28%
Ezzo's 27 22.13%
Other 20 16.39%
Voters: 122. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 09-19-2014, 05:22 PM   #46
flowermama
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MariJo7 View Post
I see I'm the "old phossile" here . The punitive "parenting expert" I grew with was Larry Christenson. We were advised to read his books and follow his instructions. Larry Christenson is not a real "parenting expert" but rather a general, charismatic Lutheran, evangelical preacher, but he has written some books about parenting as well. He believes that the children should be raised in the "good, old fashioned way" with a lot of chores, rules and spanking.
Oh, goodness! I have one of his books! I like to own books by punitive authors so that I can be more aware of what they teach, directly from their own writings, and so my mom buys them for me sometimes at second hand bookstores. Anyway, I have one of his parenting books, and it is awful.

Quote:
Nobody demands me to spank any more or let my babies cry or do other things that feel so wrong. Still, the past is a very painful issue to me. Sometimes I even have nightmares about it.
Isn't it wonderful how as they get older people stop doing that? I'm so sorry for the pain you've experienced and still experience.
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Old 09-19-2014, 06:49 PM   #47
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

Can't vote on my phone but my main influence was my parents and local pastors/leaders who were strongly influenced by Dobson with some Tripp and Pearl mixed in the background.

It was actually reading debi's book for wives that turned me away and helped influence me to find other ways to parent.

---------- Post added at 09:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:57 PM ----------

False biblical teachings were also a huge influence.
I was taught all the 'spanking' verses. I believed them to the point I believed my parents favored my brother because they quit spanking me when I was 7 but spanked my brother till around 11. Because of that verse 'he who spares the rod hates his son'.
I believed I wasn't well loved and I wasn't worth the hassle. Grounding was easy for them send me to my room and forget me. Spanking meant effort, meant they actually had to engage and work and want better from the child.
I didn't want my child to think that of me. I wanted my kids to know I loved them. And love meant spanking according to the bible as I knew it then.
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Old 09-19-2014, 09:23 PM   #48
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I was influenced by Dobson in the sense that my parents followed his teachings and I wanted to do things as differently as possible from them.

I can still remember the day my dad recommended I read Dobson. I had never heard of him. Then I saw all the torment and abuse and fear I had suffered all laid out in a book. I was so ANGRY! How dare this random person write a book and destroy my life! It was all in there, the accusations of enjoying conflict, defiance for not implicitly agreeing with my parents, the idea that everything I did to act out was done in direct rebellion. The spanking rituals.

I learned later that it wasn't all the book. My father's family had a long history of abuse. Dobson's ideas simply justified it as "Biblical."
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Old 09-21-2014, 09:44 AM   #49
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TenderLovingWillow View Post
That's really facinating.

I find a lot of what John Wessley go be very grace based in nature-especially in regards to the character of God-

But I'm not exceptionally knowledgable about him either-just what I have picked up along the way.
John Wessley certainly was a good preacher, but I really wonder, if he had such a happy childhood. His marriage was not a succes either. He had a very high regard for his mother, however, and the later generations of Bible believed christians have considered Susan Wessley as an example of a Christian mother. She has been quoeted by Dobson, Chuck Swindols and many others.
Also Martin Luther had a harsh mother...and he did praise her for that. How sad how this whipping culture has been passed by by generations. It really is not something new.

---------- Post added at 05:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:27 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by flowermama View Post
Oh, goodness! I have one of his books! I like to own books by punitive authors so that I can be more aware of what they teach, directly from their own writings, and so my mom buys them for me sometimes at second hand bookstores. Anyway, I have one of his parenting books, and it is awful.



Isn't it wonderful how as they get older people stop doing that? I'm so sorry for the pain you've experienced and still experience.
Yep. It is an awful book. . I wish it was true that the people of our church had stopped to demand their members to "controll" their children in a hars way, but I'm afraid they have not. We have left that church so we don't really know what they are doing now, but I'm afraid they go on an on with their practices, and if the older people learn some wisdom and moderations, there will be younger people who take over the bad practices.
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Old 09-21-2014, 09:54 AM   #50
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I'd never heard of any of these people until I came here. I was raised in a somewhat punitive home my parents spanked if they felt it needed but never in the name of anything biblical. I can't say every experience of my childhood felt fair or non threatening but I don't look back on my childhood with fear or regret either.
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Old 09-21-2014, 01:53 PM   #51
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I never implemented any punitive parenting methods, but the Pearls messed with my head something awful when I made the mistake of reading their book (seriously, who gives TTUAC to a pregnant 16 year old at her baby shower?! ). I wanted very much to do right by my son, and those people were always in the back of my mind making me question every decision I made.
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Old 09-22-2014, 06:24 AM   #52
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

Yes, that kind of books can cast a dark shadow over your head. Punitive parenting methods are damaging to the child, but the pressure to use them (from church, family or other people) can be very damaging for the mother also. It is, for instance, not easy for a woman to keep loving a husband who insists her to spaank or to feed by scedule and let the baby cry. Or to keep respecting a pastor who teaches such things and keeps books of Pear and Ezzo in the church book store.
Let's hope your friends who gave you that nasty book just made a mistake and judged the book by its cover. The title looks so nice and innocent. Perhaps the giver was not aware of the toxic contents of it. Perhaps (s)he would be sorry to know that it has caused you so much trouble of mind.
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Old 09-22-2014, 09:56 AM   #53
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I had a mish mash of Dobson and Rosemond with a sprinkling of Ezzo. Thankfully God stopped me before Ivy was old enough to hurt or hit. Oddly enough the main reason I never did cotton to cio was because Rosemond said that for the first year life does revolve around the baby, but on the first birthday you start teaching otherwise. Or at least that was how I read his statement, he may have meant something completely different.
By the time Ivy was four months I was full steam ahead ap. I still have those voices in my head and at times struggle to be gentle with her. Those books play on all of your worst fears and are insidious.
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Old 10-02-2014, 01:26 PM   #54
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Unhappy Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I started out attachment parenting and was really enjoying it and seeing lots of this. Then I moved and our church has been our only community, I found a lot of social pressures to spank. Usually I am not influenced by social pressure, just my personality I guess, but our women's bible study was reading Sheparding a Child's Heart, by Ted Tripp. I found myself feeling like maybe I wasn't being a godly parent, maybe I was failing to understand what God expected of me. I struggled through the book and found myself spanking, and crying and doubting everything.

Thankfully my husband was fully supportive in stopping the spanking and is on board with us returning to our own blend of attachment/godly parenting. Although, even still, I struggle to find patience for my now 3.5 year old boy, because spanking made me expect "first time obedience". It is getting better, but I am saddened by the time I wasted and the potential wall I put up between my son and I.
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Old 10-02-2014, 06:02 PM   #55
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MariJo7 View Post
Let's hope your friends who gave you that nasty book just made a mistake and judged the book by its cover. The title looks so nice and innocent. Perhaps the giver was not aware of the toxic contents of it. Perhaps (s)he would be sorry to know that it has caused you so much trouble of mind.
The person who gave it to me was a very kind woman with no children of her own, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't really understand what she was giving me.
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Old 10-02-2014, 06:09 PM   #56
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

AP kinda accidently fell into my lap...
The first "parenting" book I ever read was Dr Sears baby something (I forget the actual title) I basically asked DH to get me something to read because I was stuck in the hospital a few days longer than expected after Cecilia was born due to her Jaundice. So DH got me a Sears book from the hospital gift shop. (I have no clue what else they had)
I thought the Sears store put it out but thought the book was pretty okay and often remembered things it said or suggested as I delt with motherhood for the first time.It wasn't until some time latter I realized whom I'd actually read.
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Old 10-04-2014, 05:14 PM   #57
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

My influence was an odd mix of the Pearls, Ezzo, and Dobson. Got Babywise shoved down my throat when DD was a baby.
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Old 10-05-2014, 06:32 AM   #58
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

Dobson was my mums hero. When I got pregnant with DD#1 I was given Ezzo and Pearl! So glad that I stumbled upon GBD when I was pregnant with DD#3.
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Old 10-05-2014, 04:00 PM   #59
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I grew up with parents flying by the seat of their pants. No real theories or guidance. Timeouts, a few spankings, lots of lectures By the time I was almost in middle school my dad started listening a lot to Focus on the Family. That was the kind of mindset in the churches we attended, but it was never a focus of sermons and there was no "spank the love of Christ into your children" stuff that I noticed.

My friend had her first before I did and I read Ezzo on her recommendation when visiting her. She also had something from Pearl that she presented as comical but possibly applicable later. It all made so much sense

When I got pregnant I fell in with a hippie dippy crowd and found a better way. My SIL sent me Babywise which I read sometimes early on and felt was just so wrong, but it made me doubt myself a lot too. I stopped reading it. More kellymom, more GCM, more Sears, etc. I found my way much more confidently well before DD was 1 and DH has been on board the whole time.
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Old 10-05-2014, 08:37 PM   #60
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kris10s View Post
Other: Tedd Tripp. I've read SACH and attended his conference and though he has good intentions that really captured me, it's a slippery slippery slope...
Yes, I even di the SACH workbook *ugh*

---------- Post added at 08:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:35 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jadegreenmama View Post
I started out attachment parenting and was really enjoying it and seeing lots of this. Then I moved and our church has been our only community, I found a lot of social pressures to spank. Usually I am not influenced by social pressure, just my personality I guess, but our women's bible study was reading Sheparding a Child's Heart, by Ted Tripp. I found myself feeling like maybe I wasn't being a godly parent, maybe I was failing to understand what God expected of me. I struggled through the book and found myself spanking, and crying and doubting everything.

Thankfully my husband was fully supportive in stopping the spanking and is on board with us returning to our own blend of attachment/godly parenting. Although, even still, I struggle to find patience for my now 3.5 year old boy, because spanking made me expect "first time obedience". It is getting better, but I am saddened by the time I wasted and the potential wall I put up between my son and I.
I know just how you feel
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