How to respond w/o debate [LONG]

[jewelmcjem]

I hate, hate, hate, hate it when one person starts up debate on someone else's FB status, so I am really trying not to do that. But the daughter of a church friend posted on FB yesterday about her 3yo, time-outs not being effective, and how on earth to manage a 3yo while pregnant. [original quote edited to comply with TOS]


I responded with way-too-long answer:

I have a lot of advice -- that I didn't learn until kid #3 was nearly through with three. I'm heading into the 3's with Fiona, so it will be interesting to try it differently this time from the start. It is not conventional advice, though..., so I'm wary of putting it out there.

Instead of thinking of him as defiant or stubborn, it was helpful to me to think of him as determined. AND even though they are starting to understand more, and sometimes do listen & comply, they still are babies developmentally and don't have the control yet that we think they should have.

Bottom line, 3 IS hard when you're pregnant, because it is the gateway to the next developmental stage -- not quite done with one stage, almost ready for another -- and that takes LOTS of GOYB (get off you butt) parenting. Which is exhausting when you're pregnant.

Here is an AWESOME article on why 3 is so challenging -- and can be such an incredibly rewarding time in your toddler's life. The whole website was an eye-opener and a HUGE shift in paradigm for me, but I'm telling you, I am seeing so much better relationship with my kids b/c I'm trying to shift into that "grace-based parenting" mode. Which is not permissive, just very very very different.
http://aolff.org/quick-reference/ages-one-to-three/6
One really meaningful quote from that article is this: "The key is to not get sucked in. Keep a healthy amount of emotional detachment. Not detachment from him, but from his 3-year-old drama. If you think it’s tough to have a 3-year-old, the thing to remember is it’s difficult to be three! He wants to see that his emotions aren’t too big for you. He wants to make sure that his big, overwhelming emotions and feelings aren’t going to overwhelm you. If they do, he gets scared. You need to teach him the lesson that “I am bigger than your big feelings and I will keep you safe.”"

Here's another resource I've found very useful when I start veering back into the "punish them into being good" mode.
http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=14

Please just stop me if this stuff is not useful to you. I just wish I'd found it 11 years ago instead of 4. If you're interested in more info, let me know and I have a few more resources I can give you.

She got several answers from people I don't know well, but they're about her age, with young kids, but I know their parents & grandparents who either go to church with me or their relatives do. LOTS of "be consistent with time out", spanking advice, and the kicker was this one:

We had this problem too...we had to open his ears a couple of times and now all we have to ask is Do i have to open your ears? Just grab the top of his ears a tug a little bit, not to hard but enough to get the job done!! LOL seems crazy but my mom suggested this and it worked like a charm!!

OPEN HIS EARS?! Does she have ANY idea how much that hurts? How is that better than spanking?

Anyway, I piped up a couple of more times, being very careful not to insult or judge any of the other advice out there. I reinforced that this is a natural stage, you can't punish them out of it -- in fact, all 4 of mine went thru it and the ones who were spanked didn't get thru it any easier or faster than the ones who were not. I did pm her that I wasn't going to debate her friends on her wall, but that I am VERY passionate about finding gentle discipline and that I wish someone had told me before it got adversarial between me & my oldest 2.

So, after that, someone posted this:

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Make-Coun.../dp/0972304649

HOW do I tell her this is so so so horrible? I'm so afraid she'll click that & see all the Tripp stuff and hop right on board. When I was trying to get out of GKGW mindset, I actually thought Tripp sounded GOOD!!! How can I warn her away from this w/o sounding like a crazy person?

Oh, almost forgot to say -- My comments were the only ones she 'liked' so maybe something there is making her think.

[ReedleBeetle]

I wouldn't, honestly. I would give her links that lead her in the direction you feel is best and then let it go. She is an adult and although I know you feel she is vulnerable, you are arming her with counter info that won't turn her off from looking at the info you gave her. I would be concerned that attacking something one of her friends is linking her to, would turn her off from listening to you at all. If I said anything at all, I would just note..."I have a lot of concerns with anything that promotes _______ and _________ is why." in a private email.

[kwisie]

You can always take your responses to PM.

[ShiriChayim]

I might take it private at that point. Send her a private message saying, "hey I saw these recommendations on your thread. I didn't really want to start an argument with your friends or anything but I saw them recommend this book and I've found that style of parenting is very adversarial towards the child...I'd love to talk with you more about what I'm finding works with my kids if you're interested, or to give you some of the resources I've found the most helpful. Love, Jema"

(or something like that )

[SweetCaroline]

it sounds like you put some good resources out there for her to consider.
hopefully she sees that what shes currently doing with him isnt working..so why not try something else?
mabey you can suggest that, then leave it.

[blessedmamaofmany]

Good advice so far. I've had to be careful not to get snarky on FB...after all, my friends have friends I don't know LOL.
I would be careful to be kind on the comments. Links are great.
After that point...pm's are probably best. Or at least a pm asking permission to continue with said discussion....

I would post back to the wall and say "Uhhhh, I thought everyone's ears had holes in them, I'm sure he can hear just fine"

Ok maybe not. That is crazy though.

ETA-I think your response was wonderful!