when my 7 yr. old dd .....................

made4more · 11-24-2009, 04:04 PM

screams at the top of her lungs beause she didn't get her way. What do I do?

kicks her brother out of my sight. he syas she did - she lies and says "no I dind't- he kicked himself" or "no Id idn't hit dayna she hit her own head into the wall." what do I do?

stomps across the house, what do I do?

slams doors, what do I do?

She's very very difficult...

Right nowshe is "tomato staked" meaning she's not leaving my side and will probably help me make dinner, etc. but really I dont know what else to do.. or if this is even ok.

weerach · 11-24-2009, 04:11 PM

I cant give any advice but wanted to give you a cyber hug ((((((((((((())))))))))))))

newday · 11-24-2009, 04:12 PM

:sub

sorry

Apple-Saucy · 11-24-2009, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amytug

screams at the top of her lungs beause she didn't get her way. What do I do?

I'm probably not the best person to give advice on screamers I have one but he's younger and Autistic so needs an actual physical boundary to the scream. I put my hand over his mouth and gently sh sh sh sh in his ear. I also whisper to him so he has to stop screaming to hear me. "I know you are upset, but you may not scream, it's ok to be angry tell me you're angry but please don't scream"

Quote:

kicks her brother out of my sight. he syas she did - she lies and says "no I dind't- he kicked himself" or "no Id idn't hit dayna she hit her own head into the wall." what do I do?

Well for the "he kicked himself" (hahaha clever girl) "now why would your brother kick himself then come tattle on YOU? He could easily say you did something without injuring himself. I don't think he kicked himself at all. Go get a book and read in your room please" You've let her know that you are on to her and given her time to mull it over. For the I didn't hit dayna thing...maybe she didn't

Maybe she "helped" Dayna hit her head on the wall...but doesn't consider it a vicious act. It helps to ask for a play by play. "Ok, how did dayna hit her head? Where were you? etc.

Quote:

stomps across the house, what do I do?

"Come back here right now! You will walk nicely through the house"

Quote:

slams doors, what do I do?

Go open the door and have her shut the door nicely.

Quote:

She's very very difficult...

Right nowshe is "tomato staked" meaning she's not leaving my side and will probably help me make dinner, etc. but really I dont know what else to do.. or if this is even ok.

HUGS The above is what I do with my 7yr old when he's having fits. It allows him to do things over and act more reasonably with guidance.

SillyMommy · 11-24-2009, 05:08 PM

Read Boundaries with Kids - changed my life!

made4more · 11-24-2009, 05:40 PM

heh- I just returned it. I should recheck it. I was really getting into parenting with love and logic and went ahead and returned boundaries. I have a hard time getting into any non-fiction when I'm reading a fiction, so really the pwl&l isn't getting any love either.

canadiyank · 11-24-2009, 06:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amytug

screams at the top of her lungs beause she didn't get her way. What do I do?

Is she screaming words or just screeching? I'd tell her to go scream in her room or outside and then I'd walk away. I'd reflect feelings, too, "You're upset b/c..." Give her words to *say* her upset instead of screaming...script what you'd like to hear, i.e., "I'm so disappointed!" "Wow, I feel angry!" "I'm upset." And then a way for her to self-calm...what kind of tools does she have for that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by amytug

kicks her brother out of my sight. he syas she did - she lies and says "no I dind't- he kicked himself" or "no Id idn't hit dayna she hit her own head into the wall." what do I do?

"You may wish that's what happened. You need to apologize. How can you help him/her feel better?"

Quote:

Originally Posted by amytug

stomps across the house, what do I do?

"I'm sorry you're frustrated. That's rude to stomp. Try again with softer feet."

Quote:

Originally Posted by amytug

slams doors, what do I do?

Same thing as above...a try again with a gentle door closing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amytug

She's very very difficult...

I'm sorry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amytug

Right nowshe is "tomato staked" meaning she's not leaving my side and will probably help me make dinner, etc. but really I dont know what else to do.. or if this is even ok.

That sounds fine.

I would teach her some skills to help with her frustration that you can then direct her to in the future. What are some ways she calms down now? Reading? Coloring? Staring out the window?

made4more · 11-24-2009, 06:52 PM

I know that if i suggest she go back and try again with softer feet (well we have done this again and again and again) she does it hard again.. then again.. then again.. then sh e'll finally cave and do it soft but with sulky attitude. then i'll say "again - not with an attitude" and she MIGHT do it. or she'll be mad that I'm actually enforcing obedience and she'll flop to the floor and scream I DDDDIIIIIIDDDD. WAAAAAAH..

then what?

seriously.. do I have to spend 15 minutes every time? like.... hell breaks loose with the others while were are in the process. then i'm likely to forget what we were doing anyway. and she leanred nothing.

afa calming herslef.. um.. nothing? she want sto stay mad.. ME personally, I'll go to a room by myself and pray. she wont do that.. she's a bit young really to wanna be alone- she wants to be with us.. so we leave.. doens't bother her unless it'st he middle of the night and I turn off all the lights.. but then she just follows... and sometimes it's just really hard to get away.. and i'm afraid of what she will do to the house if we DO leave her alone.

J3K · 11-24-2009, 07:26 PM

Gently I say...If you think of her as "difficult" , those emotions will come across to the child , she can pick up on that..and then she will do her darndest to live up to your expectations.
It helped when I started thinking of my children as "misunderstood" and not "difficult".

Screaming :
My ears don't hear you. You need to use words in a normal voice. If you'd like to let off steam you may scream into your pillow until you learn that screaming gets you no where.
Lying :
We both know you are lying and it makes me want to not trust you. You'll be in less trouble if you just tell me the truth. (truth is always thanked... "Thank you for telling the truth. Let's work on this situation together.)
Stomping:
Your attitude is showing through your feet and it's not acceptable. Stomping with attitude is not allowed.
Slamming of doors:
The slamming of doors is not allowed in this house. It's rude but mostly it's dangerous.

Then I'd set about finding healthy outlets for blowing off steam. I often would give my child some paper and a few crayons (or a tub of sidewalk chalk) and tell them to draw out their feelings. "Draw me with ugly horns and evil eyes. Let your feelings out that way. "

Apple-Saucy · 11-24-2009, 09:05 PM

I wouldn't have her redo the walk "without attitude" that's smacks of that ol' "happy heart" stuff. She's clearly not happy, and it's OK that she's not happy. She just can't stomp through the house to make her point. If she's sulky but walking softer that's OK. The goal isn't to change her feelings/attitude. The goal is to change how she ACTS on those feelings/attitude.

kiloyd · 11-24-2009, 09:16 PM

I clicked on this for tips myself. I know I could help my 8 yr old with his anger better.

made4more · 11-25-2009, 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apple-Saucy

I wouldn't have her redo the walk "without attitude" that's smacks of that ol' "happy heart" stuff. She's clearly not happy, and it's OK that she's not happy. She just can't stomp through the house to make her point. If she's sulky but walking softer that's OK. The goal isn't to change her feelings/attitude. The goal is to change how she ACTS on those feelings/attitude.

well I dont mind her being grumpy about what i originally asked her to go to her room about, it's being grumpy about my having her walk nicely that is annoying. does that make sense? And I want obedience not compliance. There is no reason for you to have an attitude toward me because I'm asking you to not walk like a dinosaur

And I am still in the camp that they n eed to have a happy heart. If my boss (I dont have one but figuratively speaking) asked me to clean up a mess I made- if I do it with an attitude that "I can't beelive he just asked me to clean this up- he's got 2 hands, he can clean it up himself" I'm going to feel gumpy and resentful. I dont need dd being grumpy and resentful. I"m going to help her have a happy heart when cleaning up her mess so that she's not resentful and grumpy.

11-25-2009, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amytug

screams at the top of her lungs beause she didn't get her way. What do I do?

kicks her brother out of my sight. he syas she did - she lies and says "no I dind't- he kicked himself" or "no Id idn't hit dayna she hit her own head into the wall." what do I do?

stomps across the house, what do I do?

slams doors, what do I do?

She's very very difficult...

Right nowshe is "tomato staked" meaning she's not leaving my side and will probably help me make dinner, etc. but really I dont know what else to do.. or if this is even ok.

Just wanted to add my 2 cents...

we've been getting a lot of this at our house, and I since my ds1 is quite physical, I always took my ds2's word for it even though my ds1 would say "he hit himself!" or whatever. Well, the other day they were arguing behind me in the kitchen, and I turned to say something to them and I saw my ds2 SLAP HIMSELF. I was horrified. I wonder now how often my ds1 was telling the truth and I didn't believe him!! Just a thought...

Serafine · 11-25-2009, 03:35 PM

I have only read the OP, but I wanted to address the lying issue.

I am a VERY strong believer that we should be trusting our children unless we have clear evidence that they are actually lying.

SO, in this situation...if it happened out of my sight, I would comfort the one who was hurt, but I would NOT accuse the other one of lying to me.

I would (and have done this) clearly say that, "I wasn't there, I don't know what happened, but you are my child and I am choosing to trust you. You can ALWAYS tell me the truth and we will figure a way to make things right."

That way...hurt child is still comforted for being hurt. Relationship with other child is still intact, and you have given them an opportunity to come clean if they in fact were lying.

11-24-2009, 04:04 PM	#1
made4more Rose Garden Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 8,230	when my 7 yr. old dd ..................... screams at the top of her lungs beause she didn't get her way. What do I do? kicks her brother out of my sight. he syas she did - she lies and says "no I dind't- he kicked himself" or "no Id idn't hit dayna she hit her own head into the wall." what do I do? stomps across the house, what do I do? slams doors, what do I do? She's very very difficult... Right nowshe is "tomato staked" meaning she's not leaving my side and will probably help me make dinner, etc. but really I dont know what else to do.. or if this is even ok. __________________ ~aMy~ ISFP Mom to K 10, D 9, K 7, J 5, A 3, 1yr

11-24-2009, 04:11 PM	#2
weerach Rose Garden Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 11,733	Re: when my 7 yr. old dd ..................... I cant give any advice but wanted to give you a cyber hug ((((((((((((()))))))))))))) __________________ Rach wife to Andrew Mama to Miss A 2007 Mr N 2009 Mr J 2010 Miss S 2013 Miss N - 2016 6 angels waiting with the Lord "Looking off unto Jesus my spirit is blessed, In the world i have turmoil ; In him i have rest, While the sea of my life all about me may roar, When i look unto Jesus i see it no more"

11-24-2009, 04:12 PM	#3
newday Deactivated Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 11,249	Re: when my 7 yr. old dd ..................... :sub sorry

11-24-2009, 05:08 PM	#5
SillyMommy Climbing Rose Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: AL Posts: 1,418	Re: when my 7 yr. old dd ..................... Read Boundaries with Kids - changed my life! __________________ Christi (ISFP, DYT 3) Wife to CC (INTJ) (7/02) and Mommy to R1 (12) T3, R2 (8.6) T4, R3 (6.9) T1 and R4 (13m) PaperbackSwap \| Goodreads

11-24-2009, 05:40 PM	#6
made4more Rose Garden Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 8,230	Re: when my 7 yr. old dd ..................... heh- I just returned it. I should recheck it. I was really getting into parenting with love and logic and went ahead and returned boundaries. I have a hard time getting into any non-fiction when I'm reading a fiction, so really the pwl&l isn't getting any love either. __________________ ~aMy~ ISFP Mom to K 10, D 9, K 7, J 5, A 3, 1yr

11-24-2009, 06:52 PM	#8
made4more Rose Garden Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 8,230	Re: when my 7 yr. old dd ..................... I know that if i suggest she go back and try again with softer feet (well we have done this again and again and again) she does it hard again.. then again.. then again.. then sh e'll finally cave and do it soft but with sulky attitude. then i'll say "again - not with an attitude" and she MIGHT do it. or she'll be mad that I'm actually enforcing obedience and she'll flop to the floor and scream I DDDDIIIIIIDDDD. WAAAAAAH.. then what? seriously.. do I have to spend 15 minutes every time? like.... hell breaks loose with the others while were are in the process. then i'm likely to forget what we were doing anyway. and she leanred nothing. afa calming herslef.. um.. nothing? she want sto stay mad.. ME personally, I'll go to a room by myself and pray. she wont do that.. she's a bit young really to wanna be alone- she wants to be with us.. so we leave.. doens't bother her unless it'st he middle of the night and I turn off all the lights.. but then she just follows... and sometimes it's just really hard to get away.. and i'm afraid of what she will do to the house if we DO leave her alone. __________________ ~aMy~ ISFP Mom to K 10, D 9, K 7, J 5, A 3, 1yr

11-24-2009, 07:26 PM	#9
J3K Deactivated Hi ! I'm Myrtle. I like to pretend I'm an R.O.U.S. Join Date: May 2005 Location: under the cat Posts: 17,112	Re: when my 7 yr. old dd ..................... Gently I say...If you think of her as "difficult" , those emotions will come across to the child , she can pick up on that..and then she will do her darndest to live up to your expectations. It helped when I started thinking of my children as "misunderstood" and not "difficult". Screaming : My ears don't hear you. You need to use words in a normal voice. If you'd like to let off steam you may scream into your pillow until you learn that screaming gets you no where. Lying : We both know you are lying and it makes me want to not trust you. You'll be in less trouble if you just tell me the truth. (truth is always thanked... "Thank you for telling the truth. Let's work on this situation together.) Stomping: Your attitude is showing through your feet and it's not acceptable. Stomping with attitude is not allowed. Slamming of doors: The slamming of doors is not allowed in this house. It's rude but mostly it's dangerous. Then I'd set about finding healthy outlets for blowing off steam. I often would give my child some paper and a few crayons (or a tub of sidewalk chalk) and tell them to draw out their feelings. "Draw me with ugly horns and evil eyes. Let your feelings out that way. "

11-24-2009, 09:05 PM	#10
Apple-Saucy Deactivated Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: In my Pants Posts: 12,181	Re: when my 7 yr. old dd ..................... I wouldn't have her redo the walk "without attitude" that's smacks of that ol' "happy heart" stuff. She's clearly not happy, and it's OK that she's not happy. She just can't stomp through the house to make her point. If she's sulky but walking softer that's OK. The goal isn't to change her feelings/attitude. The goal is to change how she ACTS on those feelings/attitude.

11-24-2009, 09:16 PM	#11
kiloyd Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: South Carolina Posts: 16,108	Re: when my 7 yr. old dd ..................... I clicked on this for tips myself. I know I could help my 8 yr old with his anger better. __________________ k-i-loyd, not kill loyd ISFJ/P Katherine, married 8-9-97 ds1 22 (adding a dil in August!) dd1 18 dd2 16 ds2 10

11-25-2009, 03:35 PM	#14
Serafine Deactivated Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 9,444	Re: when my 7 yr. old dd ..................... I have only read the OP, but I wanted to address the lying issue. I am a VERY strong believer that we should be trusting our children unless we have clear evidence that they are actually lying. SO, in this situation...if it happened out of my sight, I would comfort the one who was hurt, but I would NOT accuse the other one of lying to me. I would (and have done this) clearly say that, "I wasn't there, I don't know what happened, but you are my child and I am choosing to trust you. You can ALWAYS tell me the truth and we will figure a way to make things right." That way...hurt child is still comforted for being hurt. Relationship with other child is still intact, and you have given them an opportunity to come clean if they in fact were lying.

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