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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing. A public forum. Before posting here, please read this sticky and keep guideline 23 in mind:
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01-14-2011, 10:47 AM | #16 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle area
Posts: 21,260
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
I needed to hear this today
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Wife to a wonderful DH for 19 years.
Momma to my 29 weeker Early Bird who is thirteen and my little Wiggle Worm born 33 weeks who is nine. How do I have a teenager?! I don't feel ready for this. |
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01-14-2011, 12:31 PM | #17 |
Deactivated
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 8,066
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
When you believe that spanking (or, more broadly, unrelated punishment) is not appropriate parenting, punishment is not part of the toolbox. If you believe that you shouldn't spank, it doesn't matter what personality children in your care have.
I managed 2 daycares and 3 of my own children without spanking as a discipline option. I didn't have to revisit my decision because 1 of my 3 kids was "strong willed" or any of my daycare population was "strong willed". I run a tight ship, with high expectations. Indeed, some posters here would find my rules and expectations to be too much. And I did/do it without spanking or arbitrary, unrelated punishment. |
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01-14-2011, 01:06 PM | #18 | |
Rose Trellis
It's gonna be a great day.
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado!
Posts: 2,047
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
Quote:
I see these traits in my daughter. I KNOW what's coming for me. I KNOW that parenting punitively will be a miserable disaster. I am trying my best, right now, to build the habits, the mental scripts, and tools to work with her and not against her. I don't want to know/care who is more stubborn. I don't want to know/care who can crush who. I just want us to get done what needs to get done. I want to teach her how to use that will to change the world, to act brilliantly, to be the BEST because I know that a drive that strong would not have been created by my God without a plan to match it. If she's been given this gift, she needs to find out why, and she needs to apply it appropriately. As her mother, I am responsible for teaching her what I can to do that. At least, that's my theory. I'll let you know how it works out.
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01-14-2011, 01:15 PM | #19 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,640
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
Quote:
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Jeanette Married to J, 5/98 M, our much-loved dd #1, born 8/03 (C-section) B, our long-awaited dd #2, born 11/28/08 (natural VBAC) |
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01-14-2011, 01:18 PM | #20 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,797
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
Quote:
My parents also tried the empty room (bare mattress, no door, etc.) tactic--I remember Dr. Laura mentioning it, so maybe it's a common punitive practice? This thread has been really helpful--just last night I was mentioning to my husband that we'll probably end up with a spirited/strong-willed ADHD child (it runs on both sides, and we're both strong-willed). He just glanced at me and said (sarcastically) "Imagine how hard that will be if you don't believe in spanking." At least I'm not crazy, and eventually he'll come around...? |
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01-14-2011, 01:22 PM | #21 |
Deactivated
Beware the gorgon, she's having a bad hair day
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: DFW area
Posts: 54,024
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
my dh hasn't completely removed spanking from his toolbox-- however, he knows that my non-spanking methods work far better than spanking. He has seen it in action. I did take over all discipline for a long time-- which was hard, but worth it.
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01-14-2011, 03:23 PM | #22 |
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
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01-15-2011, 01:28 AM | #23 |
Climbing Rose
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 1,366
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
I do not even like the phrase "Strong-willed Child" because really it mostly has a negative connotation.
Besides....don't we all have strong wills. Some children may choose more desirable behaviours but that doesn't mean they are strong or weak willed. I remember as a child being very hurt because my parents had the book "The strong willed child" by Dobson. I knew they had it "because of me" and it really hurt me that they needed a special book to learn how to "deal with me". Now I am not against everything from Mr. Dobson (for example... there is a lot of good info on focus on the family website) but i am against nearly all of his advice on disciplining children.
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01-15-2011, 01:35 AM | #24 |
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You know how we say, "It works both ways!"
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: In the Neighborhood
Posts: 39,704
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
The number one thing I learned about my independence and competence as a parent, is to never discuss it with my parents. Anything they need to know, they can learn by watching, over the long term.
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01-15-2011, 06:53 PM | #25 |
Climbing Rose
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Cardiff, Wales, UK
Posts: 1,192
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
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01-15-2011, 06:58 PM | #26 |
Deactivated
You know how we say, "It works both ways!"
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: In the Neighborhood
Posts: 39,704
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
I am not my mother's daughter, playing with my baby dolls. I am an adult, in authority over my children, and I am raising them according my beliefs and values, out of my own integrity. To stand alone and apart as an adult sometimes mean not delving into the relationship that puts me into the role of obedient child. I also never defend my parenting to others. Discuss parenting, yes. Share information or perspective, yes. Present myself, expose my inner being, in order to gain acceptance, approval or validation, however subtly? Never!
If being an adult in front of someone leaves me feeling vaguely or uncomfortably like a 16 year old caught with the car keys, forget it. That's not a relationship safe enough for conversation. Last edited by Rabbit; 01-15-2011 at 07:00 PM. |
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01-15-2011, 07:32 PM | #27 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Eastern CA
Posts: 9,119
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
I'm strong willed and so is dd1 and I started out spanking her when she was 18 months. I got a very angry baby and turned into a very mean mommy. It was not pretty. We had quite a few scenarios of her doing something (say pushing buttons on the tv for example) and she would do it, I would spank, she would turn around and do it again, I would spank, over and over and over. Every time I got more angry and would hit harder and she would get more hurt, cry more and be more determined than ever. The only way for me to "win" was going to be to be a bigger bully and break her down. When I realized that, I started looking for other options.
She's still strong willed, but now it is something I love to see in her. I foster it and encourage it and it will serve her well as she gets older. She is also sweet, cooperative and helpful, because now we have a good relationship. We are on the same side, not adversaries, so her strong willed nature is not something I need to fight against.
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01-15-2011, 07:45 PM | #28 |
Administrator
"air-mannah Leen-dah" it means Sister Linda in Spanish
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 51,848
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
Well said, Emily. You could get a great blog post out of that kernel.
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01-15-2011, 07:53 PM | #29 |
Rose Trellis
Grace is for mamas too!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place
Posts: 2,480
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
maybe this is a spin off thread but how does that work if one is non spanking and the other parent is still punitive? It is causing a lot of frustrating times in my home lately with my strong willed preteen and dh I feel like I am constantly mediating between them and no one is happy
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01-15-2011, 08:00 PM | #30 |
Deactivated
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 11,249
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Re: Strong-Willed Children Vs. Gentle Discipline
An interesting thing is how much more sensitive my girls have become since we have started GBD about three years ago, before which we were punitively minded. (They are 9.75 and 8.5 years old right now)
Both girls, at this point in time, will tell us that a tone in our voices or a look on our faces really hurt their feelings. Sometimes they will break down in tears over a seeming "rebuke" which really, compared to the way we used to talk to them, is really mild... It is just that now they are more sensitive to their own place in our home and their value as humans. They actually believe they have the right to speak up when their feelings are hurt and they are fairly confident (only fairly because my dh and I aren't great at GBD, we are still in recovery ) that we won't squash them if they try to voice their discontent, hurt, or disagreement. I feel it is such a blessing that we found GBD while my girls were young enough yet to recover that sense of "self" which was being minimized by our punitive practices and mindset. |
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