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05-06-2012, 05:16 AM | #1 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,659
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DH slapped ds last night!
I'm having a really hard time with ds with the puppy now 4 1/2 mos. old as yesterday when I was about to pick up the puppy he went to pinch the puppy. I've tried making a rule for him of no picking up the puppy without permission. I continue finding him picking up the puppy anyways. He'll pick the puppy up when you know the puppy doesn't want to be picked up, and she will growl. Well the puppy was trying to sleep and dh kept telling him don't touch the puppy. He threatened that he was going to slap him if he didn't stop. I told him oh no he was not going to. Well he touched the puppy again this is seconds apart and DH slapped his hand, and told him how he is the parent and how he is to listen to him. DH said I tell you what you do! You don't tell me what to do with the authority voice. I tried to tell him that was not okay. He said what was he supposed to do. Later I did talk with him about it. I explained to him that you make it happen. If he is doing something he is not listening about that you take him away. He probably won't be happy with it, but put him in his room if he's screaming. I tried to tell him that he's going to listen more than slapping. He disagreed telling me that he'll think twice next time because he knows he'll get slapped. I told him isn't it better to talk about it, and have him listen in a gentle way. He didn't say anything. He just kept saying that he'll try that next time. Did I explain something poorly to him? He has not slapped him in quite some time.
Maybe you all remember it was over toothpaste the last time. I am in no way saying that he was right for it. He has come a long way. He still got on his high horse how he's the parent, but he said how he'll try my approach which is improvement. I'm no longer in fear of the kids being left with him like I was before. He went to a Charlotte Mason approach workshop at a home-school conference last week with Sonya which we were able to talk about. When I brought that up he said she never said not to slap. I said she never said to slap that to try approaches to get the end result. I'm waiting for the book, "Railing the Rails." Maybe we'll finally be a team! Kelley |
05-06-2012, 05:28 AM | #2 |
Rose Garden
Rich in girls.
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Perth hills, Australia
Posts: 6,914
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Re: DH slapped ds last night!
I completely relate. Last week DD1 got her bum smacked (4 times-he was cross) by DH. He completely lost it with with her. She did something very vicious physically with DD3. It was a bad scene. DH does so much less, but he wants to reserve the right. I was upset but I went to her and cuddled her, told her I was sorry he did that but I don't control him so, what she did was so hurtful to her sister and I can't have her do that and I just held her for a long time. That was about all I could do.
Dh still wants to punish them when they do things they shouldn't or just won't cooperate with him, doesn't matter if they are overtired, overhungry or anything else wrong. Posted via Mobile Device |
05-06-2012, 02:55 PM | #3 |
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Re: DH slapped ds last night!
How old is your son? Young children and pets are often a terrible mix functionally.
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...d.php?t=115191 Does your DH have a decent, or adequate understanding of developmental stages? I'm worried that his expectations of children's behavior is going to continue to present challenges and frustrate him. |
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05-06-2012, 06:58 PM | #4 |
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Re: DH slapped ds last night!
Yeah. I don't see anything looking any different until that changes.
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05-06-2012, 07:18 PM | #5 |
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Re: DH slapped ds last night!
Is your puppy kennel trained? Or does he have a safe zone?
Really, if he's napping - he should be put up. We used a baby gate with our first puppy we got when ds was 11 mo old. I can tell you it's not going to be fun for the next several months. You will have to be constantly on top of both puppy & child to make sure they interact appropriately together. However, for us, there was light at the end of the tunnel! Ds & our dog have a great relationship now. Dog is super easy going around young kids & able to withstand an accidental push & kid falling on him. Ds is better at being gentle with him too (though, still at 6yrs old, I have to get on ds about how he handles the dog sometimes). |
05-06-2012, 07:33 PM | #6 |
Rose Garden
Rich in girls.
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Perth hills, Australia
Posts: 6,914
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Re: DH slapped ds last night!
This is true and this is the hard part. I think it applies to my situation at least. DH does not see things this way and I can't make him believe this. I have tried to explain this in different ways at different times. It is very hard navigating life and parenting when you are not on the same page, or in the same book even!
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A traditional Catholic mamma ISFJ, DYT Type 2/1, Steiner-inspired mother to: Sweet Pea-DD1, Jan 04, 1/4 Tiger Lily-DD2, Jan 06, 2/1 Buttercup-DD3, Feb 08, 2/4 Dandelion-DD4, Nov 10, 2/3 Honeysuckle-DD5 March 13, 2/4 And there is DH too, ISTJ, DYT 4/2, I think! |
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05-07-2012, 01:10 AM | #7 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 11,733
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Re: DH slapped ds last night!
Could you get a puppy crate for him? We have a chihuahua and we have a crate for him to sleep in, the kids are NOT allowed in it and when he is in there chilling they are not allowed near (or he does growl).
My DH is the same when it comes to "discipline". I often get told that we will have "a brat" like our niece if we dont "discipline" J. My response is that J is so strong willed anyway smacking wont do a thing anyway and that showing him works more effectively. Thankfully he has thrown up his hands and said "fine, if we end up having brats for kids its your fault" :eyeroll Because a "smack never did him any harm" he doesnt see the problem, but hes forgetting that HE is the one who couldnt talk to his dad until after he was married about anything. He totally respects his dad (his dad was in the RAF as well so wasnt around much growing up) and loves him but he couldnt speak to him about anything until after we were married. It was always the threat "wait until your dad gets home" from his mom that sent him running to his room. But he doesnt think that its done him "any harm" at all! ETA now that i think about it i think i was only ever smacked by my mom once in my whole life, and i was 16 and being a total brat to her, im so close with my mom now and i think a lot of that is becasue i wasnt smacked, she taught us gently. She would probably get on great on here
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Rach wife to Andrew Mama to Miss A 2007 Mr N 2009 Mr J 2010 Miss S 2013 Miss N - 2016 6 angels waiting with the Lord "Looking off unto Jesus my spirit is blessed, In the world i have turmoil ; In him i have rest, While the sea of my life all about me may roar, When i look unto Jesus i see it no more" Last edited by weerach; 05-07-2012 at 01:12 AM. |
05-07-2012, 05:13 AM | #8 | |||
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,659
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Re: DH slapped ds last night!
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I know DH has done a lot better. He at least listens to me. So many times I tell him how I'm clueless what to do. My husband was raised "very strict" and he sees nothing wrong with that. But he does seem a little more willing to listen to me now. |
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05-07-2012, 05:24 AM | #9 |
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Re: DH slapped ds last night!
This is where I'm probably going to put my foot in my mouth, but I have to ask your reasons for not letting an 8yo pick up a puppy. That is just going to cause trouble, or at least it would in my house. And I remember you posting a while back about the puppy, so it's not a brand new puppy any more, right?
I think I"d change the rule and that would probably solve a lot of your problems. If you can't trust an 8yo with a dog, then you don't need to have the dog. |
05-07-2012, 06:20 AM | #10 |
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Re: DH slapped ds last night!
This is how we've approached things with our dog too. I've warned that certain things will make the dog growl, which may lead to nipping. Unless what my DC are doing is actually going to hurt the dog - I leave it between the kids and the dog .
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05-07-2012, 06:30 AM | #11 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: where the street has no name
Posts: 17,002
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Re: DH slapped ds last night!
I agree, especially with the natural consequences part at that age. I remember my brother and his friend at five or six messing with the cats after we told them to leave them alone, and getting a scratch or two before figuring it all out. What kind of a dog is it? Are you concerned that it will get snappy and mean over time? Dogs and children really can be a great mix, or they can be an unholy disaster. Make sure the dog has clear escapes, and a place to go away from little pokey fingers. I'm also teaching my dog to escape when my two year olds form of love is too much, because she's a giant push over of a Lab mutt who would allow Pugsley to treat her like a trampoline if I don't train her to leave when he's being rough.
And your DH has come a far way from when you first started posting. It really is a total shift in thinking, so it really isn't as simple as telling him and having him jump right in with all the right things. So many times, all our spouses hear is, "No smacking, no shaming, now go get 'em, tiger!" I've had to model a skajillion times to my DH that we state a goal, and then we make it happen. My DH is finding that it's very tricky to view discipline as teaching, much like a math concept, just because he has a lot of things to unlearn, in terms of how he has previously seen children responded to. It's a continuum, and he'll get there! probably not exactly how you imagine, but a balance can be worked out.
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05-09-2012, 08:41 PM | #12 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,659
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Re: DH slapped ds last night!
Well my 7 yr. old has been doing great for a few reasons I believe. This week instead of saying Jacob I told you put the puppy down or I told you to ask permission to hold the puppy I have tried a different approach. If he picks up the puppy and she growls I say what is the puppy trying to tell you. He'll now say that she wants to be put down. Even earlier today I saw him do it on his own, and I told him that was a great job that he did!!
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Thank-you for noticing about my DH coming a long way! That makes me feel good..really! I finally feel a little closer to him. I never got when I would hear someone say that they married their best friend. I'm not all the way there, but I see it and understand those words now. My husband is an engineer so I think he doesn't understand it. But talking with him about it what I've tried helps better than do this or do that. Who wants to be told what to do anyways. I'm getting there too I guess. We can only try to always do better right!! Kelley |
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