Spanking in anger

I have major worries about repeating with ds what my mum did with me and my sis - basically she would just get really angry with us and hit us repeatedly in an out of control way out of sheer anger and frustration with us - it wasnt necessarily a discipline thing - it could just be because we were annoying her in some way and she would just see red and lose it - she has a bad, angry ferocious temper.

Unfortunately, to an extent i think i have inherited this temper and sometimes i just literally see red and its almost like i cant control myself, it will usually make me shout in a scary angry way but i know there is the potential there for me to hit out too, the only person i have ever hit in these situations of losing it is my sister when we were younger. DS is only 9mths and although he has caused me great frustration at times (usually around sleep) i have never hit him in any way, i usually collapse into tears instead - which is also scary for a baby i know but i cant help it cos i feel like i'm exploding inside I know that he is now only a baby and obviously is not being naughty or anything and i know all this is to come - frustrating toddler behviours, 'naughty' behaviours etc and i am so so scared about how i am going to cope with it, i am so scared of ever hitting him, so scared.

Anyway, i was just wondering if anyone out there understands this or has been/is going through this and what they have found helpful? I've actually taught anger management stuff in my last job so i try and use techniques from that a lot which is useful but its like i feel like i just cant totally trust myself if that makes sense? I find the debate over spanking/ not spanking really interesting as i know straight away that i am on the no spanking side but sometimes it doesnt feel like a choice to me and i wish it was just a choice, for me i really dont want to spank but what if i lose it and do it accidentally and how can i aviod doing it 'accidently'? That is the issue for me not whether or not spanking is right or wrong - its like of course its wrong - now how do i not do it? Anyway - thanks for listening!

Originally Posted by CrazyChick

, it will usually make me shout in a scary angry way

Forgot to say, i feel this is wrong too and dont want to do this either!!

[MarynMunchkins]

I have a temper too.

It helps if I make sure I get enough physical activity to release some of the physical side of things. I need to find some good prenatal workouts again now that I'm past the complete exhaustion stage.

It also helps to blog and write down what is going on in my head. Getting it out on paper is easier for me than talking about it, but talking to dh helps too.

In the moment, I do verbalize what I'm feeling. "I'm angry and frustrated right now." I also do a lot of praying - quick simple prays for help to stay calm and rational while dealing with the kids.

hth.

I have a horrible temper, too. I know just what you are saying. Seriously, for me, believe it or not, diet helps quite a bit. It. . .. mellows. . .me. To make sure I'm getting the B-vitamins and enough rest and things like that really help. And, collapsing on the floor in tears. . .I cannot tell you how many times I've done that! And, you know, I just tell myself that it was better than taking out my anger on my kids! And, really, it is. I've added prayer to that when it happens.

And, seriously, those with anger issues (like me) have no business spanking a child. Seriously, it was one of the bigger reasons I *needed* to find other ways to discipline than to spank. And then I found that it wasn't really about spanking or not. . it was about a whole different idea. . . a *relationship* with your child(ren). (wow! who'da thunk?!)

Anyway. . I'm distracted and rambling. . .just wanted to let you know that. . . well, I *know* what you're saying!

Once, years ago, I became really angry with my dd. She was 2 and was having terrible tantrum type behaviours. She would just go crazy. At that time we did, on occasion, spank. A few "pops" to the leg. Anyway, she just wouldn't stop ranting and I was desperate and SOOOO frustrated! I went to give her a pop and . . .I just couldn't do it! I was SOOO angry and I knew I shouldn't pop her like that. I remember going into my bedroom and closing the door behind me and just sobbing. She was in the hall beating on the door and screaming and crying. I called my husband at work and (crying) told him that things were out of control and that I was feeling way crazy. He talked me through it. I opened the door and the two of us (my dd and I) sat on the floor and sobbed together! That night I bought the book, "The Spirited Child" and the "Discipline Book" by the Sears. (I can't remember who wrote the "Spirited Child") For the next few weeks I did a lot of studying and putting together my ideas and plans. I know that planning ahead for the next "situation" was so helpful. The tantrums stopped soon after. I was able to see it coming and divert the problems better. My attitude changed and so did hers. We were in it together instead of opposing each other. Your "plan" may look different than mine (age of child, personality types, etc.). But I applaud you for knowing this about yourself and choosing to be pro-active. Read some good books that will give you coping styles and then maybe you will feel more confident and ready for what is coming (toddlerhood ). Sleep can be a very hard issue. My ds didn't sleep through a night (by any standard) till after the age of 2. It helps to remember that this is only a very small slice of time in the big scheme of things. Maybe some nightime parenting books would help? I think the Sears wrote one, and maybe someone named Pantley? I would beware anyone who says CIO of course. But we read the "No Cry Sleep Solution" for some ideas on how to cope. I don't know if there is anything in there that is objectionable, it has been awhile since I read it. The answer, for us, was just to ride it out, co-sleep, and prayers for patience. He is doing great now and sleep problems are a thing of the past. As far as dealing with your anger, please seperate yourself from your child if you get too frustrated. Take 5 min. just to walk away and cool off, call someone if you need to. It is better for a child to cry for a minute while you gain control, than to pick up a child when you feel out of control. These days we have several little "playful" ways of dealing with frustration and pent up feelings. I have been known to shout loudly in the middle of the living room, "Calgon! Take me away!" (The old bubble bath commercial for those of you going ) My kids start to laugh and then we all do! I also have been known to take everyone outside to see who can yell the loudest in a yodeling contest. (Hey, whatever works! ) I think you get the picture. Sometimes resorting to sillyness works for us. Also, giving everyone red crayons and markers for scribbling "angry pictures" can diffuse the tension. This is especially useful with the big roll of paper that everyone can use at once. The important thing is that we deal with feelings, not stuff them, and that we do it together. Sometimes I tell them, "Mommy is really angry/tired/sad/whatever and I need a few moments." Then I will give them a toy that is usually on the shelf and thus a novelty while I take deep breaths and say a calming prayer. Well, this has gotten long. Hugs to you, I think many of us struggle with our own anger. Thanks for being honest about it.

ITU and am working on the same things, which is what brought me here I was adament I'd never spank and then when ds turned4 I lost it one day and smacked him on the butt I didnt think, I just did it,of course I called my dh, mom and cried, but basically my mom and other influences started saying how "somekids need it" so I sort of gave myself permission to do it. If he had a tantrum and out of total rfustration and anger I would spank him, I felt horrible about it and I knew it was wrong so I have recomitted myself to not do that, I still struggle with scary yelling too. Heres what helps me, know my triggers and ask for help, taking the kids to walmart not gonna do it not worth it. I dont try to be supermom if something is going to aggravate me or stress me out forget it. Also, I need sleep, and for me I need quiet time to decompress, go for a walk when dh gets home, take a bath, anything, I have to take care of myself so I can take care of my family and its not selfish everyone benefits from a relaxed mama. I have been getting counseling for my anger which has helped too.
i started a comfort corner and lost my temper and yelled at ds one day, I felt so bad i started crying so I went to the comfort corner and ds came and sat w/ me and said its ok mom, we hugged and felt much better both of us.
I agree w/ the pp vitamins, diet exercise all help and plan what you are going to do. Sometimes I feel like a yellaholic and tell myself I am not going to yell today, if he does X I am going to go to my room, take a deep breath, count to ten whatever , it gets easier just like GBD it takes practice.
Remember waht the wise ladies here say, grace goes both ways give yourself grace too!

[Benjaminswife]

Before my son was born I felt that I have too much of a temper to give myself permission to hit my child in anyway. Now that he is a toddler, I am SO SO glad I came to that conclusion. If it was "okay" for me to spank, I am sure I would have done it out of anger.

[slingmamaof4]

I too can totally understand. The one time I spanked my dd was tramatic for both of us. Thankfully she had no memory of it now. She wasn't even quite 2 yet (but she was very advanced). And I got very angry and I grabbed her little arm yanked her over and smacked her bottom fairly hard a couple of times. Then I got a hold of myself enough to stop, but was still not calm. I looked at her face. She was crying, but she looked so confused and terrified. I had never ever even told her about what a spanking was or anything. I don't think she had any idea that some parents actually hit their kids. She went to the corner of the room, curled up in a ball and just sobbed. I went over to her and scooped her up gently in my arms and sat on the floor and cried with her. I told her repeatedly that I was sorry and that I wouldn't hit her again. I am glad that I decided that then, because I know if I hadn't it would have happened again. And probably many, many times. I had always been so gentle to her. I was fairly ap for not having ever heard of it at the time, so she was just so surprised and shocked by my out of control behavior.

I didn't have this book then, but I have found it to be so helpful on so many issues. It is Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. It is just wonderful. I strongly suggest you read that soon. It has a lot on self-control and other issues that we as parents need to master before we can expect them or teach them to our children. And it gives a lot of specific examples and ways to handle situations. Your local library should have it--I live in a tiny area and the library has 2 copies.

This is the time for you to really start addressing this. It is so wonderful that you can start this now before you go through something like dd and I had to go through. You are being very wise to be aware of your shortcomings and weaknesses and start taking measures to improve now before it does become an issue.

[TulipMama]

This is one of the reasons why I believe that even those people who believe spanking is "Biblical" and mandated/recommended, should *only* be teaching other parents to spank within a very strong, well-develop discipling relationship in which the teachers are well aware of any anger issues, alcohol/substance abuse issues, self-control issues. . . "Good Christian families" can have these problems lurking under the surface, and when they are taught that they "must" spank, it is setting the child up for abuse.

[mommy2abigail]

ITU where you are coming from. And I you for realising that it is a problem for you and being brave enough to ask for help. I am very much like you. Sometimes I would (and still do, though I handle it much better now) get so angry at my dd. And she is only 11 months old! And mostly it was over sleep. I knew she was just a baby, that she just couldn't sleep any better, that I couldn't force her to sleep, ect. but sometimes I felt that anger and rage well up in me and it scared me. I too, would just break down and sob and cry. I realized alot of it was due to me just being completely exhausted. I was not myself from lack of sleep. I would try to get a little more sleep. Easier said than done I know, but maybe dh or mom or a friend could watch dc for an hour while you nap? The other thing I did was immerse myself in AP books, websites, and materials. I literally read everything I could get my hands on. I needed to make AP be the norm for me, instead of the punative style of parenting like I had been taught, yk? I stopped telling people about how she didn't sleep, because they would just say to let her CIO, that I was being manipulated. Not what I needed to hear. I know you already know, but I now just walk out of the room when I feel upset. I put dd in a safe place and walk out. Better to leave her crying than to lash out at her in a moment of anger, yk? And I take it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour or minute at a time. Ad you know what, I am really changing! I have less and less of those moments, I can deal with my emotions better. I make sure to acknowledge what I am feeling, instead of trying to be sugary sweet and fake. I am trying to speak my mind (gently) with my dh and others so that I wont harbor frustration and stress with dd. I am making other things less important, and making dd a top priority, like if she is cranky at the store, and wants to walk, but I know that doing it that way will take twice as long, I evaluate what is really important. i can grocery shop every week for the rest of my life. But this day, this moment will not happen again. And if it means takiing life more slowly, if it means getting half the things done that I used to do, then so be it. That kind of thinking has helped me to not get so frustrated at childish things, like playing in the dog water dish. Sure it makes a mess, but I can get upset and yell or smack dd hand, or I can get down on the floor and play in it with her, and have a great time. HTH for our patience!!!

Thank you so much for all your thoughts advice and support I can recognise myself in so much of what you have all said - its so good to know i'm not the only one struggling along with this!! You have given some great advice which i am going to summarise for myself and keep in my diary, and i have been meaning to get hold of a GD book for a while now just cant finally decide which one as i may have to buy it off amazon- not got great confidence that the libraries over here will have them in but i will give it try!!

Lack of sleep is definately a biggy for me - ds is still regularly waking every hour through the night - on a good night i may get a 2hour or even 3 hour slot of sleep to begin with and part of the reason i am so reluctant to try and make this better is that when i was trying the no cry sleep solution techniques about 4 mths ago it didnt really work -that was when i was getting really frutrated and angry so we just do what we can to survive and my mood is so much better when i can just accept the situation just like what you say mommy2abigail. I'm kinda holding out some hope that he will begin to improve when hes 12mths and if not then maybe we will try some sleep solutions again but i'm not looking forward to it as i would anticipate a resurgence of my frustration and upset etc.

Originally Posted by Marmee

These days we have several little "playful" ways of dealing with frustration and pent up feelings. I have been known to shout loudly in the middle of the living room, "Calgon! Take me away!" (The old bubble bath commercial for those of you going ) My kids start to laugh and then we all do! I also have been known to take everyone outside to see who can yell the loudest in a yodeling contest. (Hey, whatever works! )


Thats very funny!! DH has a good way of handling me when i'm ranting - he just smirks and laughs at me and that just makes me laugh then too and realise how silly i sound!! DS laughed the last time too so hopefully he has inherited his dads good sense on dealing with mummys silly temper!!

Anyway - thank you all again, i'm off to cut and paste some tips from you all!!!!

[greenemama]

i have a hard time with my temper, too. it's hard to have self-control. dh just told me this weekend that i need to use the same self-control we use not to spank to help myself stop yelling.

i think it's very natural to feel angry when kids are exhausting you with uncompliant behavior, or when they're embarrassing you in public, etc. it has taken a lot for me (and still takes a lot) to say, "this moment is as it is," (easy to love, difficult to discipline by bailey) and not get so wrapped up emotionally in what's going on.

Anyway, i was just wondering if anyone out there understands this or has been/is going through this and what they have found helpful?

Obviously everything everyone else has said is great! I think it is super that you are thinking and planning for this now while you have some time to get your support system and resources in place.

Two things I would add...
1. Keep your relationship with your children as positive as possible. Avoid adversarial parenting materials like the plague, especially mainstream stuff like Dobson. I think his Strong-Willed Child really plants seeds of negativity. Work on empathizing with your child, get behind his eyes, try to see the world as he sees it. When he gets out of control, it is a lot easier to have grace with a child that you see as a hungry tired two year old than with a child you see as an potential out of control, liquor store robbing, cigarette smoking teenager. Too often these adversarial parenting materials play on fear, espcially fear of the teen years. Don't get sucked into that! This leads us to number 2...
2. Get a working knowledge of normal child development. When you realize that two year olds are just trying to figure out how much control they have over their world, their tantrums and meltdowns are much less personal. If you can not take it personally then responding appropriately is much easier. Look at Igs and Ames series of books called Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old and so forth. Dr. Sears Discipline Book has some basic development in it too.

Magan

I'm with you too. I know in my head a million reasons not to spank. But when I get angry, it's like my arm has a mind of its own -- it's saying "let me loose so I can take care of this!" I try so hard to be proactive so I don't get that angry at DS. If I feel that itch in my arm, I move him to safety immediately and then walk away. So far I'm able to control it, but I recognize this will be a struggle as long as I am around children.

I know from past experience that "venting" my anger by throwing something or yelling just makes me feel worse. It's an adrenaline rush and gives me a quick "high," but then I just get angrier. That's why I can't spank -- it makes me angrier. I consider myself accountable to DS, DH and God and if I spank I will have to apologize and make amends -- this accountability helps my self-control, too.

My father was like this and I try to keep from repeating this detestable behavior. I offer my DC a "quiet corner" not just for offering them a chance to calm down but also so I can do the same. I admittedly have spanked once or twice btu i try hard not to and have gotten better as time goes on. Since this new issue with the Pearls has come up I have renewed my commitment to be a grace based mama and NOT torture my DC the way I was. Hang in there I am praying for you.