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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing. A public forum. Before posting here, please read this sticky and keep guideline 23 in mind:
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06-16-2011, 07:31 AM | #1 |
Rose Garden
Don't mind my faces. They usually don't mean anything.
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 8,644
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Spanking "works"
I come from a punitive background. Both Mom and Dad spanked all of us kids growing up. So, I'm not sure how to respond to this idea, as set forth by some of my punitive family members and friends, that "spanking works." I have heard from several people that they spank because it "works" and nothing else will "work" with certain types of kids with specific temperaments.
I'm not trying to argue with people or win them over I know when to pass the bean dip, thanks to you lovely ladies here But I do want to work out, mostly for myself, how to respond to such claims...I just don't know what to say. Part of me thinks the operative word is "works," and I need to hear others' thoughts.
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Christine WAHM as writer/editor; part-time high school teacher; wife to pharmacist DH since 7.31.2010 Lila in heaven, 8/2015 DD1 "KO" born 8/2017 DD2 GIRL born 1/2020 |
06-16-2011, 07:38 AM | #2 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 10,819
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Re: Spanking "works"
"Lots of parenting tools work. I am looking for the tools that work best for my children."
You not telling them they are wrong whether you believe they are or not. You are affirming that you are parenting effectively as well in combination with the specific personalities of your own children. |
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06-16-2011, 07:38 AM | #3 |
Rose Garden
Some Cal/Mag will probably fix that.
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: catching up on the laundry
Posts: 41,294
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Re: Spanking "works"
Works for what, though?
Works to incite a fear response? Yes. Works to gain compliance? Sometimes. Works to deter children from disobedience? Nope. Makes them learn to hide their disobedience better? You betcha. Works to build the relationship and trust that allows for discipleship? Nope.
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allisonintx Wife to Stephen Mother to Elizabeth 19, Andrew 17, Abigail 14 & Evelyn 12 Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the world. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home. . . . . . . . |
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06-16-2011, 07:41 AM | #4 |
Deactivated
Beware the gorgon, she's having a bad hair day
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: DFW area
Posts: 54,024
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Re: Spanking "works"
depends on what they mean by "works"
does it stop the behavior? eventually. So does GOYB. To me the biggest problems with spanking aren't whether or not it "works" but the following: (quick thoughts off the top of my head) It's lazy parenting. It's easy to just spank at eveything rather than actually problem solve. It drives a wedge b/w the parent and child. The child isn't going to trust the adult as much b/c they will always be worried about getting a spanking. Any of the PP/GBD/GOYB parenting styles help prevent this b/c they take away punishment. It doesn't show God to our kids. In spite what people like to say, God does NOT spank us when we misbehave. Natural consequences (which God is pretty expert at) is not the same as spanking. Spanking drives the kids "underground". The sneakiest kids I've ever known were always spanked. Spanking does not provide a better alternative to the child for the misbehavior. It makes the parent feel good and like they are doing "something" so it sets up a false sense of "works". It also leaves no option when it isn't working except to spank harder, more often or for more things. Finally, people who think it works are going to see that it works b/c that is what they expect, kwim? ---------- Post added at 09:41 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:40 AM ---------- or what Allison said better and more consicely. |
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06-16-2011, 08:06 AM | #5 |
Deactivated
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 8,066
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Re: Spanking "works"
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06-16-2011, 08:49 AM | #6 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 2,963
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Re: Spanking "works"
Of course spanking works.
Everybody knows that pain and the threat of pain change behaviour (to the degree that it is possible for a person to change it). That's what works in abusive situations. It also worked in consentration camps. It works on animals. I wouldn't be surprised if if worked on worms or ameboeas. It would be plum-stupid to claim that spanking doesn't work on children (within the limits of development). Do you know what else "works" in human relationships? Extortion, bribery, captivity, enslavement, blackmail, theft, deception, manipulation, intoxication, propoganda, hypnosis (maybe not), isolation -- personal violence is not the only thing that "works" but isn't right. The reason we avoid doing these things to other people is not because they wouldn't work... we avoid doing them because they are morally wrong. Lots of morally-wrong tactics "work" just fine. Many of them "work" really, really well. But we just don't do those things, because it's wrong to treat people that way. I'm getting used to this space of the logic of: If A: It's wrong to hit people... And B: Children are people... Therefore: It's wrong to hit children. If that's true, it doesn't matter in the slightest if it "works".
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Everything written here is the musing and mumblings of an ordinary person. Even if I take myself too seriously, there's no reason for any of you to make the same mistake! Pam, 35 yo Christian for 20 y Married for 15 y Mother to "J" 8 yo, and "M" 5 yo INTJ, DYT 4, Canadian 1 more class until I'm done at Seminary Adjunct Faculty at a Bible College |
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06-16-2011, 09:08 AM | #7 |
Rose Garden
"You are on the path...exactly where you are meant to be."
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Seeking Simplicity
Posts: 12,684
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Re: Spanking "works"
I wouldn't get into it with them, but spanking didn't "work" for me and my parents didn't know that it didn't work for me until I told them when I was 26 years old So really... how do they know it "works" unless what they mean is "stops visible undesirable behavior?" Sure, I seemed to be better behaved. When my parents were there and I knew I couldn't "get away" with misbehaving My heart was still rebellious and being spanked just made me about as furious as a person can ever be!
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Barefooting through life with dh (2003), dd1 (11/05), dd2 (7/07), dd3 (11/09), and ds (8/13). Unless explicitly stated otherwise, any views or opinions presented in the above posts are solely those of BarefootBetsy, the GCM member, and do not necessarily represent the views or opinions of anyone else in the entire world. |
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06-16-2011, 09:23 AM | #8 |
Deactivated
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 38,127
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Re: Spanking "works"
I'm not interested in good behavior as much as I am good relationships. Spanking doesn't work for that.
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06-17-2011, 09:08 AM | #9 | |
Climbing Rose
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Cardiff, Wales, UK
Posts: 1,192
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Re: Spanking "works"
Quote:
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Emma INFP mama to DS21 and twin DSS19 Married to my ENTJ sweetheart for 28 years
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06-16-2011, 08:56 PM | #10 |
Guest
Posts: n/a
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Re: Spanking "works"
subbing.....
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06-16-2011, 09:37 PM | #11 |
Climbing Rose
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: SW Virginia
Posts: 1,173
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Re: Spanking "works"
This is a great thread. Subbing so I can follow along.
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Wife to Jack of All Trades since 2007.
Mama to WiggleWorm (DS, 6/2010) and Snugglebug (DD, 12/12). |
06-17-2011, 08:11 AM | #12 |
Rose Garden
Our Family
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 5,047
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Re: Spanking "works"
DWC and I were both spanked, and we were both on team spanking. Then I started reading and researching and looking into my past and was uncomfortable with spanking. Then I was at my parents house with the whole family and my dad told my nephew not to hit the fire pit thing with a stick. The nephew kept doing it and when my dad saw it he forcibly took the stick away and I felt fear. I'm 25 and I was afraid of my dad's anger. So I talked through those feelings with DWC and started pulling out all these issues that spanking has caused. He doesn't have the same negative reaction to spanking as I (turns out he was spanked as an older kid even into teenage years and only a handful of times). So I told him I'm fine with spanking as long as it would also be appropriate to slap the child in the face. Hitting is hitting, it doesn't really matter where. He agreed with that, so that's our plan. We will hit someone when the offense would merit a hit.
As for it working, what other people have said. Lots of things "work" to produce desirable behavior. You know what will get a baby to stop crying? Never touch him. That'll work really fast.
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Mary K
wife to Daniel for 16 years mom to 13 year old the Girl and 11 year old the Boy and 8 year old Tiny Almost always posting from my phone. |
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