are you AP because of your upbringing?

I'm just curious as to how many of us are into AP styles because we remember being left to cry (I do), were spanked and generally bullied? My folks put me into fulltime daycare from 9 months and I'm certain it made me really clingy and stay-at-homey. I know AP is great but I wonder if I am swinging a bit far the other way in reaction sometimes. Anyone kwim?

[button_soup_for_4]

I'm ap because of my upbringing but for the opposite reason. My childhood was wonderful and I wouldn't want my children to have it any other way. My grandmother raised me and was retired by the time I came along so I spent my days with grandma. She was also slowin down a bit and didn't mind sitting and reading the same story over and over again.

Cindy

that's so great, how cool

[AprilBr]

I remember being left to cry at my grandmother's house in the crib. I was about 3yrs old and was scared of the train. They live really close to a train track. I remember being left to cry alot when I was older. No one ever held me. My dad would tell me to stop or he would give me something to cry about...he usually said that after he hit me. Being AP was a way for me to try my hardest not to be like my parents.

yeah, I think so. Im second born and always the rebel lol I followed ezzo at first, because thats what you do if you're a good christian. I just thought this cant be the way... then it came time to discipline and I just didnt feel right about any of the punitive stuff. I just kept thinking "my parents did this stuff with me, and it just didnt work" I so didnt want my kids to go through what I did, and I knew from my own experience it just didnt work. with me, I just found ways to not get caught. :/

do you know I only heard the term 'AP' on this website, then read Sears etc and am convinced its the way to go because its everything I came up with instictively (homebirth, slinging, co-sleeping etc) without having read or discussed with anyone first. So it was a real WOW for me to discover it all had a name and lots of other women agreed, ie GCM. Such a great boost, as I was starting to feel like a real odd-bod and doubting...Thank you God!

[sadie]

Some parts of being AP for me were the way I was raised, like I was extended bf and carried in a sling, b/c these things were a part of my ethnic background growing up (pakistani). But other parts of AP, like gentle discipline, I am committed to b/c I did NOT receive such kindness in the least bit, and I a determined to raise my daughter and any future children differently, so they don't grow up with the scars and issues that I have.

[jujubnme]

Interesting question. My parents weren't super harsh or strict with me growing up, but I never felt strongly *connected* to them. I love them and enjoy them on one level, but I still don't think they "get" the real me, kwim? When my ds was first born, I was not very AP--I'm embarrassed at how often I let him just sit in his car seat . When he was about 7 months old we tried CIO . Those are big regrets. But as I grew into our relationship, especially through breastfeeding, and began to look more into different parenting philosophies, AP and positive parenting ideas really clicked with me. I really want to maintain *relationship* and *connection* with my ds--the depth of relationship that I didn't have with my parents. So, I guess that's a roundabout way of saying yes .

[Wonder Woman]

YES!

And that's all I'll say in a public forum.....

A lot of my childhood is what I would call normitive abusive.

Not much warmth or affirmation.

A lot of guilt. Beatings, coldness.

I chose to ap because I wanted to do things differently, to break cycles of violence and detachment. I wanted to have a family unique from the family histories of either dh or my family.

So far, so good. And my mom agrees with the "results" even though she disagreed with my "methods".

DB

[arymanth]

I don't remember anything about my early childhood, and mom never talks about what it was like when I was a baby, except to say I was a "good baby".... but I do remember feeling very abandoned and alone most of my life. When I had my first baby, I could not bear to hear him cry because it touched something deep inside me that was almost a sense of PANIC. It was as if I could remember being left alone to cry, and the feeling was terrifying. I started co-sleeping with him from the beginning, before I had ever heard of anyone doing it. It just seemed logical to me. Why let him cry for no reason???

I discovered my first baby sling at Penneys, a grey and white ticking striped thing that I never could get adjusted right... but I tried! LOL (I still remember our very first outing at the mall with my baby in his sling... and he pooped all over it! LOL) It just seemed to make sense to keep him in my arms rather than sticking him in a stroller. My babies were constantly in my arms (as much as they would let me!) I don't remember my mom ever holding me, and I just felt "hungry" to keep my babies in my arms. I know this sounds weird, but it was almost as if I was holding MYSELF, through my baby.

When my third child was about 6 months old I had to go live with my parents for awhile. They INSISTED that he had to go to sleep in his crib, by himself. To do this, they gave him a bottle and shut the door, and we all sat in the family room across the hall and listened to him cry himself to sleep. I know I should have done something, but at the time I was a mess (I was living there because of marital problems and I was a basket case! Mix that with overbearing parents and my baby didn't have a chance! ) So I got a first hand example of what it was like for me as a child, and that really freaked me out . Fortunately, God restored my marriage and I was able to go home after six months.

My next child was born at home, and my mom came to the birth. I remember her watching me holding him and she said "I just love the way you love your babies". It was almost as though she was surprised...as though it has never occurred to her that this should be NORMAL.

I was thinking about this subject lately and suddenly I remembered something about my mom.... she has very fine hair, and she always used to have me tease it in the back, because the back of her head is very flat. I never thought about it, but suddenly I wondered.... was it flat because she spent most of her time as a baby lying in a crib and not being held? Maybe, or maybe not.... but the thought persisted. I thought about everything my mom had ever told me about her parents... which wasn't much.... and what I remembered about Grandma. In grandma's house, children were to be seen and not heard. She would send me and my sister off to the bedroom to color, or outside to play while Mom visited with her, and when we got ready to leave, she would give us a big sloppy grandma kiss goodbye... but that was all. Mom told me about a time they went to visit some relatives, and she had to sit on the couch quietly the entire time without moving. Mom was never allowed to have a friend over to spend the night. They never celebrated Christmas (apparently just didn't see a reason to!) and in general it was a very quiet, cold household. I think my mom was even MORE starved for affection than I was, but because of her personality, it made her hard and calloused to the point that she did not even realize that she was SUPPOSED to feel certain things. She did try to overcompensate in some areas... Christmas was a HUGE affair at our house, and she still goes overboard with gifts at birthdays and Christmas.... because she REMEMBERS not getting any gifts when she was growing up. (she never even owned a stuffed toy or doll!)


I know that all of this is speculation, because my mom won't talk to me about it, and probably doesn't even know.... but I am pretty sure that my mom treated me the way she did because SHE had never experienced being loved and held and cuddled as a child, and honestly did not know that this is what you were SUPPOSED to do with babies. I don't know what happened to Grandma to make her the way she was... but I suspect that this is something that had been passed down for several generations. I have been studying late 18th century parenting in Europe, and this is totally consistant with what was "normal" parenting for the times. Grandma's parents immigrated here from Europe in the late 1800's, so they would have been exposed to this kind of teaching.

It makes me wonder, just how will my own parenting effect not only my children, but the generations after them??? My boys already know how to treat a baby. They know that breasts are for feeding babies, and that babies should nurse until they are at least 3 or 4. Babies are for hugging and holding and loving on. I plan to love on my grandbabies just as much as they will let me!

I hope that at least in this one area I have broken this "curse" that seems to have plagued my family for so many generations.


Stephanie

Wow, Stephanie, I'm sad for your mom, and you, but happy for your kids!

Yes, I AP because I want different results than my parents achieved. They were very influenced by punitive parenting taught as "godly" parenting ideas. However, my mom did do extended nursing! I always really admire her for that.

Not really the case for me.

I'm interested in AP because what we were doing with our daughter (punitive, spankings) WASN'T WORKING!!!! For a while I was mired in guilt, thinking it was ALL my fault. My DH was the first to point out that maybe we should take a closer look at the methods.

Although I did have to go to daycare until I was ten and would NEVER EVER put my own child in one. But I had a wonderful God-given mother who did the best she could (as a single mom)!! All mom's make lots of mistakes- including ME!

[MarynMunchkins]

I don't know... :/

I do know that I bfed in the beginning because I saw my mom doing it. But she gave me flack for nursing after a year so the extended part isn't because of her. I started baby-wearing because of my mom. I actually have the carrier that she made for me.

But my parents were definitely punitive, and the reason I'm not (or strive not to be) is because of my parents. It didn't work at all, and they were pretty much by the book Dobson fans. That's pretty much my argument against Dobson. :P

My parents pretty much complained no matter what I chose to do with my kids. I shouldn't have let Doug cry; I shouldn't have co-slept with Ana. I shouldn't have weaned Doug so early; I shouldn't have nursed Ana so long. In fact, my mom flat out told me that there was nothing about me she was proud of. Sorry...I'm rambling now

Absolutely.