8 month old "temper tantrun" and a church nursery vent

Why? Why is it that the caregivers in CHURCH nurseries are some of the most untrustworthy people I've encountered? When I drop my child off with EXPLICIT and repeated instructions to come and get me if he starts to cry, why do they take it upon themselves to disregard those instructions? I am not turning over my parental rights to them ... I'm simply allowing them to be the first responders... to meet my child's needs for half an hour--and if one of those needs is *Mommy* then I expect them to meet that need.

I've been attending a new church for several months now, and this has happened more than once. EVERY time I've dropped him off I've been friendly, but *very* clear about my wishes, and when I pop in to check on him and find him upset, I have firmly reiterated myself. The workers are not the same each week, but the response seems to be universal. They assure me that he's fine (no, he's not... he's screaming his head off).... they say he's just started (clearly not the case, b/c he's hyperventilating and his eyes are bloodshot)... they delay giving him to me to the point that I have to let myself in, walk to the person holding him, and TAKE him, and at times they will tell me how to parent. Last week, 3 adults tried to persuade me not to come in and get my distraught child. I didn't charge the door or anything... tried to assure them that I appreciated their efforts but I don't want him to experience church as a place where he is scared or Mommy leaves him to cry. The man who was rocking him said, as I took him, "Mommy's here to rescue you from the mean man... " : and---also last week--a woman who KNOWS beyond a shadow of a doubt how I feel (b/c she's been there at least 4 times when I've brought him and I've spoken with her directly about it) didn't even look up at me but chimed out loudly, "Oh! He's FINE!" in an "oh brother!" tone of voice. I stepped around someone to make eye contact with her (she still didn't look up at me) and stated that I won't leave him to cry. When I go to get him, I usually ask how long he's been upset and then say "I'll take him" while reaching out my arms for him. Apparently, none of workers understand that phrase, b/c no one makes a move to hand him to me.

This week was the final straw. I didn't drop him off until the sermon started, stated my wishes clearly (tried to reassure myself that the kindly grandma lady who smile and acknowledged me would come get me if necessary), and went back to the service with my 3yo. When I went back to check on him, I heard him as soon as I walked into the building... He was on the floor screaming and gasping... right at the door. Nobody was even holding him. As I passed by the window that looks into the nursery, I saw the woman who had made that comment before jump up and hustle over to him. As I got there, she was turning her back to me, and stepping away from the door instead of handing him to me. Of course I asked immediately how long he'd been crying. The woman said "oh, just a few minutes." to which I responded, "like... 2 min? or 10 min." A young girl who was working immediately said "oh.. 10 minutes. He's been crying the whole time you've been gone." It took her about 2-3 more minutes to finally hand him over, even though she was standing RIGHT THERE.

Oh, mommas! I was too furious to say anything. They knew I was not happy, but I didn't trust myself to even speak. I took him and left immediately... Then after I picked up my oldest son from his class, I was so angry I went back with the intention of saying something, but again... couldn't trust myself to speak. So I just walked into the nursery without a word and started changing his diaper. (he, btw... is still laregly hysterical... he didn't really calm down until we were home, and then he was still clingy all day. ) But as I was putting him in a sling to walk out an older lady tried to "comfort" me by telling me that he was fine.. blah, blah, blah... and she said several times soothingly "he's just pitching a fit... He's just throwing a tantrum." Normally I would have responded pleasantly, " No, he's scared, but I've got him, and NOW he'll be fine." but I just couldn't talk to her. She was trying to make me feel better, but...

Why, Why, WHY?! (I know why... I'm just ) It's not just this church.. this has been the prevailing problem at every church I've attended since I've had kids (at the last church I attended, the pastor's wife actually called after my 2nd visit and said "Let's see how we can get you away from these kids and into the service." :/ I can't trust anyone! It's unbelievable! The adults are more committed to their own ideas about what they believe "ought" to be (child in nursery.. let the baby cry--he'll get used to it... mom needs to be in the service) than they are to respecting a parent's reasonable wishes regarding her own children.

My Mom suggested I speak to the nursery director, but I'm not sure what she could do... scold the workers? I don't expect her to police them, and I don't expect the nursery to accommodate me if that's not their policy. They're not obligated to watch my kids, and I feel like I should just kick myself in the rear for giving it as many chances as I have. It's just that it feels so dishonest for them to assure me that they'll do as I ask, then flagrantly NOT do as I've asked, then flat out lie about how long my child has been upset.

I will not be leaving him there again. The one good thing is that this church is pretty kid-friendly (except when it comes to crying babies, apparently ), small, and casual, so I can take him in with me if he's calm. If not I can sit on a bench in the lobby and listen. *sigh* Just so discouraged about the attitude churches take toward little ones. It make me angry as a mother, and sad as a Christian.

In defense of this church, there is at least ONE lady here who *gets* it. My then-2yo, who does not generally like being around strangers, stayed in the nursery by his own choice for a little while one Sunday. Right when I was slipping out of the service to come check on him, I saw him walking toward the sanctuary with this lady. She said they'd distracted him as long as they could, but when he became very adamant about wanting Momma, she brought him. I thanked her warmly, and she said... "He needs to trust me." She gets it.

Thanks for listening. Vent over. I've had bad nursery experiences with all 3 of my boys--outgoing and shy--at several different churches. So I guess I'm just going to be keeping them with me from now on even if we have to sit in the lobby, and listening to a lot of recorded sermons. (is it just me, or does that defeat the whole purpose of going to church?) :/

I have personally had similar experiences even though our policy is mom is paged if child is inconsolable after 5 minutes.

It helps to know the policy. I know all the policies by heart, actually, mostly because I'm a Lead Teacher in the 3rd grade room. It's only happened a couple times, but when it did, I was able to say "I know what the policy is, you're not following the policy" and I reported them to Administrators - it really did help - it stopped completely.

I think I've been pegged as the "unhealthy" mom who's too attached to her children, but oh, well. . .

I've also been strongly encouraged to leave a crying kid - even getting in my face and saying "you need to just go. He'll be fine." I just look at them in the eye and say "that's not my style. I will not leave him if he doesn't want to stay."

I've also approached the administrator about other policy violations, such as not enough screened adults in a room, trying to make 2-year-olds sit still and listen to a long "lesson" - IMO, if the policies are in place, great, but people are still people and bring their personal biases into their work. You really have to stay on top of things.

I don't blame you for not wanting to leave him anymore. I wouldn't either. What a frustrating experience you've had!

[BHope]

and

I totally know where you are coming from. My sister and I talked about it a week or so ago. Her church is set up that if the babies are crying in the nursery you can hear it in the sanctuary. Not by design. It's mainly a building flaw/insulation issue that allows it to happen. But still, she's really thankful for it because she knows first hand that the nursery workers won't come get her if her son cries. So instead she goes and gets him when she hears he's upset.

The church Dh and I attend is very similar. Small and not well insulated. I actually trust our nursery worker. She's just in there on her own, so there isn't any way that she could come get me without bringing along the other kids. (Usually it's just DD1 in there... but still.)

In the past, (different churches) though, things haven't been so managable. I remember one particular incident where DD1 threw up she cried so hard. When I demanded to know why the nursery workers hadn't gotten me sooner I was met with an almost blank stare. Like: What do you mean come get you? We were handling it.

As though allowing a child who has become frightened and upset to continue being frightened and upset is "handling it."

[MarynMunchkins]

I've had problems with the nursery at that particular age. It's as if because seperation anxiety is normal for the age, any crying is disregarded. I stopped leaving my kids. And volunteered in the nursery if I really wanted my kids to stay there.

By 12 months, most people realized I was serious and called me if there was an issue.

I can't help out with the nursery at this point, b/c I'm there by myself with 3 preschool kids, and I have to be available to nurse or care for one of them if necessary. You make a good point, though, about knowing the policies ... if there *are* any in such a small church. I need to look into that more.

I've had people get in my face, too... at a different church. Well.. they don't *physically* get in my face because I'm 6' 2" but they might put their body between me and my child or use a firm voice with me. (I don't THINK so!) That really draws out the momma bear in me. [picture a bull pawing the ground and snorting]

Her church is set up that if the babies are crying in the nursery you can hear it in the sanctuary.

Hmmm.. good idea. Maybe I'll just leave a battery powered baby monitor in his diaper bag. "Oops! Did I leave this on?" Oh, how tempting... (Stop thinking about it... STOP thinking about it... !)

As though allowing a child who has become frightened and upset to continue being frightened and upset is "handling it."

That's IT, exactly. That's the notion behind all this. *sigh* I know for a fact that noone at this church would leave a distraught adult unattended to or refuse to grant him a reasonable request that would ease his upset.... but children... oh, the double standard!

[Beauty4Ashes]

I was fortunate in that I stayed with mine in the nursery several times and when I did try to listen to the service, they did page me almost immediately after one of them started crying. But other kids weren't so lucky. The nursery workers would keep trying to comfort the baby and their parents wouldn't even come. I think I was the only bf'ing mom there, all the rest of the kids' parents left formula. Ds1 didn't want to be away from ds2, even though technically he could have gone with the 2 y.o., so they let him stay with his brother.

What frustrating experiences!!!

I wish you could come to church with me. There is no "nursery". The room they call the nursery is a soundproof room with a large window to see into the sanctuary and the service piped in. But everyone has been so kind as far as normal kid noises. Every week I have someone telling me how well behaved my kids were. Weeks where I was walking out ready to pull my hair out, 'cause they were both pushing it...I've gotten reassurance that "We've all been there. It's great that you have them in church."

Originally Posted by palil

You make a good point, though, about knowing the policies ... if there *are* any in such a small church. I need to look into that more.

Yes, I guess I'm very lucky that I go to a very, very large church - there are policies in place for everything!

Maybe you could help write the policies

[Mama Rophe]

I've been in the same place with my 2 yo recently. I'm not sure if it's even worth it to go. Is this wrong of me to think?

I'm not sure if it's even worth it to go. Is this wrong of me to think?

I know we've missed a lot of church b/c of these issues. There have been times when I was trying to attend with 2 or 3 kids, and would have continued if even one person was having a successful experience there... but nobody was. It was 3 hours of frustration and stress, with noone benefitting from all the effort by experiencing corporate worship or even a class. I did feel, though, that it was something that needed to change, which is why I finally scraped up the courage to try again, and started visiting places to find a "family-friendly" fit. The place I'm going now is the best atmosphere I've found thus far, even though it's not my first choice of denom. (we were PCA and this church is PCUSA.... similar doctrine, but not exactly the same) It's a compromise I'm willing to make for now. I'm trying to do the church thing by myself, and so there are limitations to what I accomplish. and the 2 PCA churches closest to us--I'm still technically a member at one, and I attended the other for a month to give it a fair chance--are out of the question for various reasons. :/

here have been times when I was trying to attend with 2 or 3 kids, and would have continued if even one person was having a successful experience there... but nobody was.

Same here... and dh was going with me. I'm dreading going to our current church so much that we've quit going for awhile. I have a new one in mind I'd like to try... I may send my dh over first.

So frustrating!! I've gotten to the point where I just stay home if its a certain couple of people's turn to work in the infant nursery.

[Amber]

Wow! I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences with the nursery. There is no excuse for them to diserguard you instructions like that.

It makes me so grateful that I haven't had this problem and have never seen a baby left to cry in our nursery.

[CelticJourney]

I will not be leaving him there again

.

I would talk to the nursery coordinator and tell her why you are not leaving him. And if anyone asks you why you don't him, tell them directly - "I have had bad experiences with it". Speaking the truth is not a bad thing, even if it does not reflect well on others. I could not have held my tounge, but my Mama Bear glares usually do the job quite well.

I could not have held my tounge, but my Mama Bear glares usually do the job quite well.

Well, they *knew* I was not happy. The tone in my voice when I asked how long he'd been crying was not ambiguous, nor was the fact that I did not smile or thank them or offer any pleasantries whatsoever, like I usually do. If they had dared to look at the expression on my face, there would have been no doubt that I was angry. When I went back to change his diaper, I didn't speak to anyone, and the adults there wouldn't even make eye contact with me. I wasn't unwilling to speak up for myself/son; I just felt too upset to handle it properly, you know?

I am considering doing just what you described.