What changed your perspective?

[triscuit]

Go get some chocolate Sandy!!

That is why when people say "gentle parenting (not-spanking) is harder... but..." I don't agree with that... spanking IS harder because eventually when you realize what you are doing..... THAT is hard!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Peridot]

1) Maggirayne told me about GCM.

2) Non-Christians offered me more Grace about my spanking than Chirstians offered those who did not.

3) One day I was (almost beating- if I am perfectly honest ) my 3 year old son, Maximus. He had hit his baby brother, Minimus. I was telling him, "You may not hit someone just because you don't like what they did!" Holy Spirit whispered to me, "Why? That is what YOU do." That voice stopped me where I stood.

[blessedmamaofmany]

Originally Posted by triscuit

Go get some chocolate Sandy!!

That is why when people say "gentle parenting (not-spanking) is harder... but..." I don't agree with that... spanking IS harder because eventually when you realize what you are doing..... THAT is hard!!!!!!!!!!!!

The shame is overwhelming.

[SweetCaroline]

i had a very difficult little one. i had sort of fallen into deep attachment parenting practices with him. if i was to exercise all my 'parenting moves' on this one..i'd be spanking him *literally* 20 times a day..

it dawned on me: surely the Lord doesnt mean for me to spank this little 19 month old (at the time) 25 times a day-because thats how hard he was!!

i started googling "is spanking Biblical?" and found GCM. regestration was closed for.the.longest.

i was like Sandy.

after i became a christian and got into church..i actually sometimes used to use a metal slotted spoon that i had hanging on the wall ugh...sooo much gulit

i joined gcm almost 2 yrs ago. i wish i could say that it was cold-turkey. but its been a process..i quit spanking as my 'preferred method' of punishment right away- but would still flip out and spank the kids because im a spazz. and i get so angry. and i didnt know what else to do. i would worry that i was ruining them by not spanking them.

but as time goes on- not spanking is being gelled as a 'principle' built around so many other things -that the idea pops into my head less and less often. it makes my heart glad that i've NEVER so much as smacked the baby's ( 18mo.) hand

but its so hard to switch out of punitive thinking. its like a disease. and honestly..some days a gentle parenting win is simply not yelling

but i've come a LOOOONG way

[Amahoro]

Ummm... I had a baby...

As time went on, I started thinking 'What the HECK was my mother thinking? Why on EARTH do my Church friends recommend a book with such horrid thoughts about babies? How can people isolate such tiny babies so quickly'...

Having my son just made me realise that there was no way on God's green earth I could subscribe to parenting the way I had seen it presented to me up until then.

Then I joined the Aus Breastfeeding Association, and as a lot of gentle/AP stuff kinda goes hand in hand with breastfeeding, I slowly got introduced to mums who were gentle with and practiced 'attachment-style' parenting. Which then got me wondering if there were Christian resources for this style of parenting.

And then I found GCM...

[BarefootBetsy]

I was spanked growing up and it didn't teach me anything positive at all. At some point, I figured out that most of my friends had not been spanked as children. They're now adults and they turned out just fine, if not better, when compared to my friends who were spanked.

I read research about childrearing as well as books like Unconditional Parenting and The Continuum Concept which challenged my views of normal. Reading all those Torey Hayden books in college probably didn't hurt either since she was a teacher and couldn't spank the special-needs children she was teaching. Those were hard books to read, but one was required for my education courses and I read all the others pretty soon after that first one.

I did NOT, however, deeply examine spanking from a Christian perspective until maybe 2 years ago when I joined GCM. I'd read a few articles here over the years and had read a bit on the message board without becoming a member in the five years preceding my membership. I read enough to know that I was comfortable with not spanking and my own parents disagree that spanking is *mandated* by the Bible so the choice to not spank at all was not a huge stretch for me really.

Spanking has never been an option for me with my kids. I struggle mainly still with yelling and I don't have nearly as much patience as I wish I had But I'm working on those things and GCM has given me many tools to help with that process I was on the road to permissive parenting when I joined GCM and I'm so glad that I came here when I did!

[ruhama]

A million little things.

Our pastor, Joe, said one day he brought his three children into his study - one by one. His first, his son, he asked "What is the most important thing I've taught you? What is most important about life?" "Always do the right thing," his son answered.

I have failed, Joe thought.

He brought his second son in and asked again. "What is the most important lesson I've taught you about life?" "Always do what's right. Follow the rules," said the second son.

I have failed again.

His youngest, his daughter, came in next. Again he asked, "what is the most important thing?" he asked. "Jesus will always love me," she said.

Truly, I want the most important thing in my son's mind to be that Jesus loves him. I don't want him spending his life trying to mimic the fruit of righteousness. You can paint a rock red and tie it to a vine, but it's a far cry from a ripe tomato. You cannot punish a child into loving God or himself or you or his neighbors you can only punish him into feigning such things. Therefore I hope to disciple my children in the limited ways a sinner can so that they are pointed to God's mercy and love. The world has enough pain to teach the lessons the world demands. Mercy is not taught through a lack of grace.

[SweetCaroline]

Originally Posted by ruhama

A million little things.

Our pastor, Joe, said one day he brought his three children into his study - one by one. His first, his son, he asked "What is the most important thing I've taught you? What is most important about life?" "Always do the right thing," his son answered.

I have failed, Joe thought.

He brought his second son in and asked again. "What is the most important lesson I've taught you about life?" "Always do what's right. Follow the rules," said the second son.

I have failed again.

His youngest, his daughter, came in next. Again he asked, "what is the most important thing?" he asked. "Jesus will always love me," she said.

Truly, I want the most important thing in my son's mind to be that Jesus loves him. I don't want him spending his life trying to mimic the fruit of righteousness. You can paint a rock red and tie it to a vine, but it's a far cry from a ripe tomato. You cannot punish a child into loving God or himself or you or his neighbors you can only punish him into feigning such things. Therefore I hope to disciple my children in the limited ways a sinner can so that they are pointed to God's mercy and love. The world has enough pain to teach the lessons the world demands. Mercy is not taught through a lack of grace.

can i FB this or tattoo it across my torso or something..anything?? thats fantastic.

[ruhama]

Originally Posted by SweetCaroline

can i FB this or tattoo it across my torso or something..anything?? thats fantastic.

Sharing is acceptable. Tattoos are fantastic.

[Tandem mama]

I had lots of non-spanking friends who told me why they didn't spank. I was spanking "right" and it wasn't frequent so I thought to each their own.

Nothing anyone said changed my views. It was when our family was in a high stress situation and sunshine was acting oppositionally. I spanked her. She did the behavior again. I spanked again. Harder. Repeat another time. I had this sort of revelation. "this is not working!!!" another time, during that same period, I was yelling and screaming and spanking her and I had a sort of out of body experience where I saw myself. I was terrifying!!! My poor baby. I looked like an abusive parent. I was not spanking hard but wow I was so scary. That's the moment when all my defenses of what I was doing flew out the window. I broke down and cried and apologized to my little girl and prayed and swore i would not spank again. At first it was difficult because I didn't have the tools. At first I wanted to spank. I may have slipped a couple times, I can't fully remember. But I've worked hard and it's been over a year since she's been spanked. She doesn't cower in fear when she makes a mistake anymore. Before that stressful time I'd only spanked a couple times. We are doing better and better. I still struggle with yelling but I've come a long way from that day when I looked like a monster.

[Rugayatu]

Originally Posted by Amahoro

Ummm... I had a baby...

As time went on, I started thinking 'What the HECK was my mother thinking? Why on EARTH do my Church friends recommend a book with such horrid thoughts about babies? How can people isolate such tiny babies so quickly'...

Having my son just made me realise that there was no way on God's green earth I could subscribe to parenting the way I had seen it presented to me up until then.

This. We have friends who had their first child 8 days after DD and they followed Babywise to a "T" from the beginning. They also recommended TTUAC which they had gotten from a family member. We read bits and pieces of both books and I just could not imagine treating my child the way they described. MIL would talk about how FIL would put DH down in the farthest bedroom and take MIL to the basement and turn the TV up so she couldn't hear DH crying as an infant. I just could not imagine doing that to my sweet babe.

Then our friends with their baby were talking about "switching" as young as six months, flicking and the dad said one day, "Babies and toddlers can't understand, they can't be taught because they don't have reasoning, but they can be conditioned, just like a dog." To compare a child to a dog just about made me lose it. Even if I did believe my child should be trained like an animal, I was a professional horse trainer before DD was born and I know that beating and punishment is not the way you train an animal either.

I figured there had to be a better way. I finally found GCM last fall when DD was turning 2. I have smacked her hand a couple times (before that) because I just did not know what else to do, it was completely in anger and I knew immediately that it was desperately wrong and apologized. But that punitive mindset is SO hard to get rid of!! I used time outs for quite awhile, most of which DD would spend crying for me. But even though it's the way I was (mostly) raised, it just didn't make sense to me. Actually my horse training background has been a bonus because I trained horses in a very positive way as well, but with DD it goes so far beyond that, obviously. I am so thankful every day for this place, I would be so lost without it!

[gpsings]

Originally Posted by beansmama

This basic argument:

If Proverbs is literal, then you need to beat your 2 year old on the back with a large stick. But that would bruise or break their back and is illegal. So, obviously it's not literal. So, if it's not literal, why are you hitting them?

It also says if you beat them with a rod they will not die.

I was reading another book about 'Godly Vegetable Growing' or something like that....I went to that forum board. They were closed off and hostile and very very defensive of spanking. So, looking for a parenting style/ method...and having a friend who seemed to have success using it, I signed up.
I used a wooden spoon on the back of the thighs.
One day, I opened the drawer to get a spoon to mix something, and my son whimpered and crossed his legs. The look in his eye made me cry.
Someone on that board had made a snide remark about the Gently Christian Mothers and it wasn't very nice, but it implied that the children were undisciplined.
I decided to check it out, since I was deeply troubled at the thought of spanking again.
I have so many regrets about my parenting before finding this place, but I'm here now, and my children know they are safe. Except for yelling. I'm still working on that one...

[blessedmamaofmany]

Originally Posted by gpsings

It also says if you beat them with a rod they will not die.

I was reading another book about 'Godly Vegetable Growing' or something like that....I went to that forum board. They were closed off and hostile and very very defensive of spanking. So, looking for a parenting style/ method...and having a friend who seemed to have success using it, I signed up.
I used a wooden spoon on the back of the thighs.
One day, I opened the drawer to get a spoon to mix something, and my son whimpered and crossed his legs. The look in his eye made me cry.
Someone on that board had made a snide remark about the Gently Christian Mothers and it wasn't very nice, but it implied that the children were undisciplined.
I decided to check it out, since I was deeply troubled at the thought of spanking again.
I have so many regrets about my parenting before finding this place, but I'm here now, and my children know they are safe. Except for yelling. I'm still working on that one...

I have so many regrets too.

I remember once (last year?) we were walking through Walmart an my oldest pointed to wooden spoons displayed and said, "I remember when you spanked us with those".
Oh God! How could I have been so cruel?! I cried out in my heart. She was NINE. I hadn't hit them with spoons in FIVE years. I couldn't believe she remembered.
Right there I begged her forgiveness and told her it was wrong of me and it is never ok for an adult to hit a child.

[Hermana Linda]

Originally Posted by gpsings

...
Someone on that board had made a snide remark about the Gently Christian Mothers and it wasn't very nice, but it implied that the children were undisciplined...

As they say, there is no such thing as bad publicity.

It was meant for evil but God used it for good.

[rjy9343]

Originally Posted by blessedmamaofmany

I have so many regrets too.

I remember once (last year?) we were walking through Walmart an my oldest pointed to wooden spoons displayed and said, "I remember when you spanked us with those".
Oh God! How could I have been so cruel?! I cried out in my heart. She was NINE. I hadn't hit them with spoons in FIVE years. I couldn't believe she remembered.
Right there I begged her forgiveness and told her it was wrong of me and it is never ok for an adult to hit a child.

But you saw what you were doing was wrong and stopped. That makes a huge difference in your relationship with your kids. And your kids now will be armed with truth before they are parents instead of feeling their way for it.