What changed your perspective?

[UltraMother]

I was a nanny for a family in the early '90s, and it was standard practice to smack the 1yo's hand if he reached for his food before an adult was ready to feed it to him. A few months after I started the job, an African refugee family was sharing the house, and their 10yo girl observed me smack the little boy's hand.
She said to me, "Oh, please, don't beat him!", and I was completely stunned to think that someone could label a little teaching smack that way. I didn't change my views on spanking/smacking until many years later, but her comment was the first little thing that made me question what I thought about discipline.

[sherry]

Babysitting as a fourteen year old. The parents instruction if the kids didn't listen: "Hit them with the fly swatter". So I did that once. And realized, at 14, that was seriously useless in getting kids under control. The lesson kind of stuck with me.

And I will be forever grateful to the co-worker who, very gently, warned me off of Babywise.

I was never big on spanking, but I was still punitive. I made threats, yelled, showed obvious frustration, provoked my son to anger, pinned unrealistic expectations on him, etc. I will never forget an incident in which I threatened to take all of my son's toys out into the yard and light them on fire if he didn't stop acting out. The look of fear and hurt on his face I will never forget. I actually broke down and cried and told him how sorry I was.

When I became a Christian, I knew I couldn't follow the fundamentalist, traditional approach like TTUaC, GKGW, BW, SaCH or tomato staking. The methodology and interpretation of the Scriptures never sat right with my spirit. I knew God was leading me in another direction. It was actually during a spanking debate on another forum I'm a member of that I found out about GOYBP and AoLFF, which lead me to here. I knew I'd found what it was I'd been trying to do all along, only I didn't have a name for it, a list of tools, a support system or a central clearinghouse of information on it.

[rjy9343]

Really it was GCM. I was planning on spanking Ivy when she was older and making sure she knew who was in charge at birth. But God softened my heart enough to stop me until I foung GCM. I found several blogs that caused a complete about face in my thinking and attitudes. Once I learned that I could be nice to my daughter and still be in God's will, I took GBD and ran. I still feel giddy when I remember that revelation.

[Mama4ever]

When my second child was two, I was telling my fil how stubborn and strong-willed she was. He said, "She is determined to have things her way. Teach her right from wrong and that will serve her well when she is older." After that, I quit looking at my interactions with her so negatively and looked for better ways to parent. Around that same time someone posted a link to GCM on another mommy board that I was on.

I doubt fil even remembers that conversation!! He really is a wise man and I am blessed to have him in my life.

[LearningMama]

Growing up I knew I wanted to parent differently. I was almost always hit out of anger and I knew that was wrong. I still thought spanking was necessary but you just had to do it the right way. I heard a couple Christians talking about how they disciplined their kids and figured if you spanked the right way that was better.

Right around the time I met my DH I was spending time with my pastor and his wife at their home helping out with painting and chores. They are AP (I didn't know what it was called at the time) and it really struck me that they actually talked to their daughters who were around 6 and 3 at the time. They took their time with them let their daughters make their own choices and treated them like people. A lot of seeds were planted during that time

When I became pregnant my pastors wife recommended Dr. Sears' "The Baby Book". Then I went online and started reading. I found Hobo Mama's blog, which led me to Dulce de Leche's blog, which lead me to GCM Lurking around here in the GD and UPP forums really helped me see that spanking is not necessary and GBD is what I can do and what I want for our family.

[swimming with sharks]

I was spanked. We planned on spanking our kids. Then I learned about 'grace'. How's that? Being raised a Christian, I'd never heard the word "GRACE" and all that it entails. I knew I was forgiven, just not the WHOLE encompassing thing.

So I learned about Grace and how AWESOME it was.

Then I got pregnant.

Then I found GCM and read with intrigue that there were all the people who didn't spank.

I read and read and kept reading. It all started to click. One day, I broached it with dh and he was all like That's RIDICULOUS. Then I brought in teaching children about Jesus and showing them Grace like He shows us Grace (even though as adults and we SHOULD know better) and it was like a lightbulb He said Ohhhhh and at that point we followed on the path. Not to say we're always AWESOME at it. 30 years of punitive parenting drilled in to ones brain makes the switch hard some days. But Grace is for Mommas and Daddies too!

[NewCovenantMama]

For me it was a combination of things. First it became obvious that spanking was inappropriate for ds1, who has autism. That set me wondering - if spanking were really God's prescription for parenting then surely it would be appropriate for all kids. I read advice to spank him "in faith", but it seemed nonsense to spank a child who, at that time, couldn't connect his behaviour with people's response to it and who quite literally couldn't understand the concept of punishment (typical of kids with autism BTW) . I also had a revelation that Jesus has taken the punishment for our children's sin, and all that remains for us to do is train/disciple them (the word "train" had no negative connotations for me then), and we are free to use whatever methods work best. At the time I still thought spanking was mandatory for certain circumstances - though I was a bit confused about exactly what - and that there was something spiritual about it which made it not punishment when done "properly". I was struggling with why if discipline wasn't punishment it sometimes had to look like it.

For various reasons I began researching parenting methods used by Christians. I was homeschooling at the time, and I came across aolff.org through a Christian forum for homeschoolers with autistic children. At first when I read that some Christians disagreed with spanking I assumed it was hooey, but when I examined the Biblical/pseudo-Biblical arguments for and against I found I could pick holes all over the place in the pro-spanking arguments, but couldn't fault those who said God doesn't require spanking. I found that, in general, the more pro-spanking the book or website, the more scripture twisting it contained.

Then when our twins were turning 3, I was concerned about my relationship with ds2 (2 min older than his twin ) as we were fighting each other a lot. I decided to try the 5 steps, and within 2 weeks our relationship was transformed. It took me a while to completely give up the occasional smack (as we call it in the UK), as I didn't always know what to do instead, and dh was sceptical about entirely giving it up. I went through stages of not smacking, then those little voices from the past told me I "ought" to give a smack "for that", and I'd give in for a time, then I'd stop again. I noticed that the only real difference in their behaviour was that when I was smacking they were more likely to hit each other. So I took the plunge and officially and openly became a non-spanking/smacking Mama. Dh is on board now as he has seen over the years how unnecessary it is.

[MaryPoppinsIAin't]

Before I got pregnant, spanking was always in the back of my mind as a "last resort" sort of thing.

The problem is that I know very very well that the minute things get physical, from there they can only escalate until someone submits out of exhaustion or fear.

Getting spanked only made me angry and sad and scared, it didn't make me feel remorseful at all. Ever. I was never taught healthy ways of dealing with my feelings, or why I shouldn't do this or that, and when I FOUND a healthy outlet (writing/dancing/singing/etc) my parents would threaten to take it away to make me behave like I should. I can't tell you the handwritten stories in old spiral notebooks that are sitting in boxes, unfinished, because I didn't dare have anything special that I cared about. If my parents knew I cared about something, that it was important to me, they could and would use it against me.

There was so much of my childhood that is confusing and stressful to this day. Very little of it made sense, most of it was upsetting, a goodly chunk was traumatic, and I didn't want that for my kids.

I have always known I would have children. Shortly after we married, my husband and I both had the same dream. We know how many, their names, their coloring, the sound of their laughter. It took us six years of trying (and much stress and heartbreak and a time we thought we weren't going to make it) to conceive the first. After all that... I can't even imagine deliberately causing my child pain, and because of my bipolar issues, I can't allow physical discipline in my toolbox. It would inevitably get out of hand, and ... yeah, that's not a darkness I ever want to see the inside of again, and certainly not from the parent's viewpoint.

[WingsOfTheMorning]

I can remember several things...

• My surprise the first time my parents suggested a smack for Lydia at under a year old.
• Thinking Dobson made sense until DD reached 18 months...the supposed age when defiance emerges. I just didn't see it in her then and that made me wonder.
• Seeing the example of some of the AP parents I know through LLL and how they definitely had boundaries with their kids without the spanking I had been told was necessary.

Then I found GCM from a link in Kellymom.com and was so relieved to learn that I didnt have to sPank to follow Scripture.

[triscuit]

First because of my Mom I knew I needed to look at how I parented so I could be better.
Second I discussed spanking on another forum, it took a long, long time of mulling over the issue in my head and that helped change my perspective.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when a comment was made on a FB page I like against spanking... seeing ALLLLLLLLL these Moms come out and defend spanking and just the things they said and the argument back and forth, back and forth... it was just so mind-boggling and revealed a lot of things to me, and that's when I thought... that's it! I need to seek out a better way and decide! So I headed over here and I am learning SO much!

[mwwr]

Originally Posted by ReadingMommy

[/COLOR]How many of those kids did you know growing up who NO AMOUNT of spanking would "fix"? I knew plenty. If spanking is biblically prescribed, would that be the case?

My first 2 fit this description. No matter how consistent I was, spanking didn't "fix" them. They'd be dead before they quit fighting.

And, Dobson has a tiny disclaimer in TSWC that "This advice is not appropriate if your child has a medical issue affecting his/her behavior." :lightbulb But, of course, he provides no options for such a child.

[blessedmamaofmany]

Honestly, it's really difficult to talk about how I was before we stopped spanking. It makes me sick.

My 8yo has ASD. I knew it at an early age, but I spanked her mercilessly, because I didn't understand WHY she does what she does. I didn't have anyone to come along side me and say, "You seem like you're really struggling with her, can I offer you some advice?" I spanked her and my oldest with a wooden spoon, even tho I KNEW in my heart it was wrong. I was pregnant with my fourth, alone (Justin was gone for the Army), my third was only 6mo. I was tired, desperate, confused, and utterly unable to figure her out.

Anyways. Once Justin came home and we moved to NY, we finally got her diagnosed...eventually and the doctor looked right at me and said (kindly), "spanking doesn't work for these kids. Don't do it. THere are better ways"

That was a lightbulb moment for me. We still spanked for awhile because we didn't know any better. And there was a lot of festering anger in our home because of that, and other things. But that sat in my mind and I pondered it all.the.time.

THen it occurred to me. If Steph gets a pass cause she's ''disabled'', why wouldn't the other kids get a ''pass'' too. Why would I spank any of them?
I had some other revelations in there too. Like, I remember having anxiety attacks when my dad would spank my brother. I just couldn't handle it. How could I do that to my babies? Which then reveals I was spanking in anger and out of a NEED to punish...which goes against the cardinal "rule" of "biblical spanking". But the thought of spanking them when I'm calm and it's passed? That made no sense to me. And made me even more anxious.
So I finally said we weren't going to spank anymore. It wasn't fixing anything, and we were ALL getting angrier. I said no more. The end.

I found GCM in the midst of that. I had known Shannon and Heather before from another forum, and they always spoke grace over their kids. Always. That always stuck with me.

I hate who I was then. I so wish I'd had someone to come along side and mentor me. I wish I'd have found GCM sooner.



That was really hard to share. I need chocolate now.

[katiekind]

{{{{Sandy}}}}



I am sorry. I have many regrets in parenting too. Not that regret, but others. It's hard.

[Petie]

I never spanked Gav. He was abused before he lived with us so that was out of the question. For my bio kids, it was when my then four year old spanked his two year old sister and quietly explained that he had to spank her to "teach" her how to behave. He also insisted that he did it because he loved her. Yeah, we haven't spanked since.