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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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23. No posts harshly dissecting parenting moments of others since we desire to humbly cultivate a heart attitude of grace and not judgment towards other mamas. We all struggle at times as parents and have much to learn, and GCM's focus is to provide tools and information for each of us to parent more effectively. Posts voicing some frustration regarding choices made by others can be okay, but it needs to be within the overall context of seeking understanding or ideas for better responses in the future.

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Old 02-14-2006, 08:25 AM   #1
MamaToAnna
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Default My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad

Throughout my best friends pregnancy I have been trying to encourage and uplift her about just how wonderful mothering is! I never overloaded on advice, I just gave it to her when she asked. Except one time, when a mutual friend gave her Babywise and told her what a lifesave this would be for her and her marriage. Well, I didn't say much (although I wanted to rant and rave) I just gave her a copy of several alternative books. I also emailed her links to articles which tell some of the downsides of Babywise.

Well her baby arrived this past week. I visited her at her home this weekend and she and her husband both made a point to tell me that they had been making sure they don't hold the baby too much but instead get her to stay in her own bed. "Even when she cries I make sure I don't go get her unless it is time for her feeding because I'll be darned if she is going to run the show around her.. hahaha." This is EXACTLY what her husband said to me. I wanted to throw up. These are good Christian friends who are in the ministry, I thought I knew these people. I did not think they were the kind of people who could heartlessly leave a FOUR DAY OLD baby to cry alone.

I was so upset I just tried to keep my composure and assured her it was OK to hold her baby and just to remember that babies need physical touch just as much as they need anything else. That was pretty much it and I left. On the way home I just cried.I cried for her baby but I think I also cried out of selfishness, simply because I feel so isolated sometimes. Why am I looked at like I am NUTS for parenting the way I do, yet someone who puts their 4 day old in bed to cry alone is the smart one, because they are "looking out for their marriage".

The ironic twist is that my friend and her husband are always talking about how well behaved my DD is when we go to dinner or when they have come over to our house. Then in the same breath they tell me how their other friend (the one who gave them Babywise) how her child is always in a bad mood and upset about everything. Now I am not saying my child is perfect by any means, but I do believe that day nurturing as well as night nurturing plays a big role in how content and joyful my little 14-month-old is.

Why don't people understand that true parenting takes patience and time? And that this type of parenting won't give you a bad marriage. It might give you a happy child and a happy marriage.

MamaToAnna
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Mom to my wonderful daughter
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Old 02-14-2006, 08:43 AM   #2
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad

Are they close enough that you can say something? Could you send them Ezzo.info or some gentle information. Maybe Rebecca Prewitt's Mothering in the Shadow of the Cross?

I'm so sorry, I know that feeling.
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Old 02-14-2006, 08:53 AM   #3
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad



I am so sorry. This must be so hard for you. Can you give them a copy of Crystal's book?

I feel that most people choose to use Babywise out of ignorance. Many times they do not have realistic and educated expectations of normal infant behavior, and how infants develop emotionally and physically. So then normal behaviors become things that parents want to control.

Ok im editing this because im trying to think of ways to get them on the non-BW side and I think a sling is a great idea like Mary mentioned below! Sorry I was rambling in my post!
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Old 02-14-2006, 09:17 AM   #4
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old..



Does she have a sling? Because, honestly, if I'd had a good one when Doug was little, I would have been more inclined to just use it and let him fall asleep there.
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Old 02-14-2006, 09:54 AM   #5
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad

This breaks my heart. According to the book, they're not really supposed to be implementing the program yet. But that's the beauty of the double-speak in the book. You see what you want to see in it.

Oh, this is so heartbreaking. May God break in and convict them not to treat their baby this way.
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Old 02-14-2006, 10:05 AM   #6
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad

No words really, as I was (thankfully) never influenced by Ezzo. My only suggestions would be the Ezzoinfo site, and PRAY hard for that little baby.
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Old 02-14-2006, 10:27 AM   #7
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad

Ok, as I'm getting older, I'm getting more direct about things. Just a disclaimer.

Honestly, if this were my best friend, I would be blunt. "you know what? babies at this age can't manipulate you. They have needs. Need to eat and be held. *baby* just went through a huge transition to the outside world and need you as parents to help him/her adjust. Holding *baby* is a good thing. And if you are planning to sucessfully breastfeed, you need to feed that baby a lot. When they show you they need it. It's not a matter of showing who is boss, it's about transitioning to being a family and you are on the same team! And you know what, it's really hard to have a great marriage when you have a crying baby in the other room. Enjoy your baby together, love on him/her together and enjoy this new season in your marriage"

I'd probably say something like that...but I'm kind of blunt. This sounds heartbreaking for the baby, and your friends...they have no idea what they are misssing....
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Old 02-14-2006, 11:31 AM   #8
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad

Be direct and firm -- be the voice of that baby, and tell your friend to look at ezzo.info to see the harm it has caused families ... to see the failure to thrive issues (explain that the AAP has condemned Ezzo's scheduled feedings because of FTT). If she argues, perhaps ask why she is so quick to accept the Babywise advice but no other? Pray for them!!!
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Old 02-14-2006, 01:33 PM   #9
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad



It was exactly that kind of thing that prevented me from ever exclusively bfing my ds. I read the part of the double talk where you start the schedule the first week. Poor baby. And poor deceived parents. If there is anyway you can give them some good information it might be helpful. Even things like letting them know that Dobson and Hanegraff (sp) have statements against BW might give some chinks in their ideas. I know that a book that really changed my mind was Happiest Baby on the Block (Karp). I don't know for sure, but I think if someone I trusted had told me about the problems with BW when I was in the early days of using it I would have been more able to listen to my instincts and stop while I could still save my bfing relationship.


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Old 02-14-2006, 02:12 PM   #10
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad

No, no, no! Praying that God will give you wisdom in how to deal with your friend.
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Old 02-14-2006, 02:16 PM   #11
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad

Four *day* old!!!???
The impact of that just hit me!
Yikes!
I would be sad, too!
Poor baby!
Honestly, I'd go with mamaKristen on this one!
Or, just pray for her!
Many, many moms *think* Ezzo is the way to go in the beginning but then find out it isn't what Mothering is meant to be! I thought the same thoughts she had when my DD was born.
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Old 02-14-2006, 03:09 PM   #12
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad

Yes, hopefully she'll start letting her mothering come from her heart instead of this book.
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Old 02-14-2006, 05:57 PM   #13
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad



My baby is just 2 weeks old today, and I can't even imagine leaving her to cry... I don't think I even put her down for the first WEEK after she was born! Just thinking about this makes me want to cry!

I know I could not have been nearly so "tactful" in that situation, I would have definitely said something... probably not very gentle. Does she know that letting a newborn cry is physically damaging??? I have read that it causes the same physical symptoms as an adult having a stroke! Aside from that, this is NOT how the Bible teaches us to treat "the least of these". Grrrrr!!!!

I have to go cuddle my baby now!!!!

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Old 02-14-2006, 11:25 PM   #14
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad

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Old 02-14-2006, 11:57 PM   #15
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Default Re: My best friend is "babywising" her 4 day old...I am so sad


I completely agree with mamaKristin! 4 day old, not quite sure why she's out of momma's belly, and now doesn't have momma's warmth to sooth her, and left crying! I'm sorry, but I am traumatized by the fact I couldn't hold my children after they were born. I never even got to hold 2 of them before they went to the Lord, and I didn't get to hold and comfort the 3rd for a few weeks after birth, and that was just once or twice for the first 2 months.I can't even imagine what my poor son went through. I missed out on so much bonding time with him, and I'm so so so sorry, but this makes me upset to know that people have the opportunities to bond, and hold, and snuggle the pants of their kids, and don't take advantage of it. I would say something. If you don't feel comfertable speaking directly to her and her dh, then just try talking to her. for all of you. It may be easy for all of us to give you advise, but we're not in your shoes. All you can do is try, and push all the books on them that you can come up with, if you want to take a passive/aggressive shot at it.
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