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Old 10-21-2018, 11:15 PM   #16
Soliloquy
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

Don't be afraid to let him experience the consequences. I may be reading more into your post but, from the sound of it, it seems like your question is, "how can I get him to pick up his toys so he won't miss the party and won't lose his toys?" The answer may be that that's exactly what needs to happen.

If you've set him up for success and you're certain you're not asking more than he can manage, then yes, he misses the party. Yes, his toys go in to a donation bag and get dropped off. That's okay. If he doesn't care, then he has too many toys (most kids do, including mine).

I do let friends be disappointed if that's what needs to happen. We've been on the other end of that and I am understanding. "We can't meet you today after all, my kids won't do their chores so we have to stay home until they're done and we've past the point where we can leave and still make it."
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Old 10-22-2018, 01:16 PM   #17
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

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Originally Posted by Aerynne View Post
I don't feed my kids if they're not showing some initiative. So if the next thing is lunch or a snack, they have to be making progress to get fed. If they have a super long list and it is time to eat, I will require something small be done before they will eat. The younger the kid and the more hungry they are, the smaller this chore will be, but I do require progress for them to get fed. The Bible says if you don't work you don't eat, and I tell my kids this.

Another thing I do is that all breaks are taken with a timer. And I will ask them how long they want for a break (though if they say 3 hours that's not an option). So they might do a chore, get 15 minutes to read (but only if they or I set the timer), then do another chore, etc.

As for them not getting it done and then it is bed time, I'll have to think on that. Usually between no progress= no food and them only getting timed breaks, they have their stuff done by bedtime. If they worked pretty hard and got most of it done I don't do consequences for not having it done by bedtime, but for a kid who was just goofing off all day that would definitely require a consequence. We do have a penalty jar of chores and they draw one out for certain failures to work, so I might do that. But for a kid who really isn't getting anything done, a penalty chore wouldn't help- then they just wouldn't do that, either.

I assume you are breaking chores into reasonable chunks, right? (I have kids who can just fold a week's worth of laundry but I have had kids who have to be given the shirts, then the pants, etc).
his "chores" include getting dressed, brushing teeth, & putting his dishes & trash where they belong, putting shoes away, putting dirty clothes in bin & clean clothes in drawers. Then he has to clean up his toys, put chairs away because he usually has them all over the house (I encourage him to do this as he's done with them but it doesn't always work that way). He also has one bigger chore he works with me on 6 days a week - usually he is dusting baseboards, heating registers, & window sills; picking up stuff that wasn't included in his usual chores, and pushing furniture out of the way so I can vaccuum/sweep/mop. I did have set table & sweep kitchen after dinner but we've pretty much dropped those. IF he keeps up with these things, they aren't really that big of a deal & would take him way less than half an hour.

---------- Post added at 04:16 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:10 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soliloquy View Post
Don't be afraid to let him experience the consequences. I may be reading more into your post but, from the sound of it, it seems like your question is, "how can I get him to pick up his toys so he won't miss the party and won't lose his toys?" The answer may be that that's exactly what needs to happen.

If you've set him up for success and you're certain you're not asking more than he can manage, then yes, he misses the party. Yes, his toys go in to a donation bag and get dropped off. That's okay. If he doesn't care, then he has too many toys (most kids do, including mine).

I do let friends be disappointed if that's what needs to happen. We've been on the other end of that and I am understanding. "We can't meet you today after all, my kids won't do their chores so we have to stay home until they're done and we've past the point where we can leave and still make it."
He did miss an outing yesterday (Sunday) because he just wasn't cooperative. I'm OK with him missing an activity if we haven't shelled out an arm & a leg for it. Not my best parenting moment but I did tell him if he didn't straighten up I was asking if I could borrow one of his friends for Disney while he stays with their mom & dad. Obviously I'm not going to do that, but honestly, I FEEL like doing that.

Up to now, we've always given multiple chances, but I'm thinking he needs to have fewer chances because he doesn't believe there will be consequences.
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Old 10-22-2018, 02:00 PM   #18
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

Wow! That just sounds like an awfully long list for a 6 yr old to take responsibility for and do on his own w/o lots of handholding and prompting and redirecting and reminding. I had to do a lot of that with much older kids at times. Even have to ask and remind the young and not so young adults in our houehold at times
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Old 10-22-2018, 02:14 PM   #19
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

I think it sounds reasonable. It is mostly his stuff. He might need a picture list or something.

Definitely fewer chances! Like one chance. It can come with warnings like ďin five minutes you need to. . .Ē But if I say now my kids need to do it now. They can ask me ďIs it all right if I finish this paragraph?Ē or another similar question and I will usually say yes, but now means now.
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Old 10-22-2018, 03:17 PM   #20
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

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Originally Posted by mamacat View Post
Wow! That just sounds like an awfully long list for a 6 yr old to take responsibility for and do on his own w/o lots of handholding and prompting and redirecting and reminding. I had to do a lot of that with much older kids at times. Even have to ask and remind the young and not so young adults in our houehold at times
We are usually doing chores together, me doing what I need to do while he is doing his. I do not, however, stop doing what I am doing to stay with him if he is goofing off. I will move to another room or break if i am due one.
I think he should be responsible for his own things & if he did them as needed, it wouldn't be an issue. toys & chairs are the biggest things for him but if we play with him, we help clean up. If he is playing by himself, we often help him clean up if it is a lot. there are tons of reminders, sometimes an excessive amount, IMO. As for the chore he does with me, he is not doing all of those things at once. I usually give him something to do while I am doing the bulk of it & when he is done 1 thing, he is given another task. when i am doing the floors, i am telling him what to move as i get there. Just to be clear, he is not moving the couch or tables or big arm chairs, he is moving the ottoman, trash cans,etc. I am hoping that as he gets older, i am giving less reminders & more chores. this is also the kid who earned 50 bonus points in a day or two (about 8 extra chores or more) because he wanted to earn a toy i bought cheap but held until he earned it or for his birthday. I know it probably Doesn't make much difference, but he will be 7 in three weeks.
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Old 10-22-2018, 05:54 PM   #21
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

It does sound kind of a lot and vague. My kids have to help out when asked, but my 6 year old does a 10 minute room cleanup, broken down into steps, one weekly chore (like vacuum the living room/take care of pet/clean bathroom something/gatherlaundry, they rotate), one daily chore (2 on non school days), and 5 minute living room cleanup.

There are several kinds of responsibilities here. Where is he having trouble?
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Old 10-22-2018, 08:07 PM   #22
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

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Originally Posted by marbles View Post
It does sound kind of a lot and vague. My kids have to help out when asked, but my 6 year old does a 10 minute room cleanup, broken down into steps, one weekly chore (like vacuum the living room/take care of pet/clean bathroom something/gatherlaundry, they rotate), one daily chore (2 on non school days), and 5 minute living room cleanup.

There are several kinds of responsibilities here. Where is he having trouble?
He wants to play all day & do nothing but play.
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Old 10-23-2018, 05:53 AM   #23
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

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Originally Posted by gerberadaisy View Post
He wants to play all day & do nothing but play.
My 8 year old can be this way. Honestly I have no idea if this is considered gentle parenting or not but the only thing that worked with her was taking away her access to 90% of her toys. Took her about a week but she has a very different attitude now.

As to chores I did lists with them for a long time and my almost 11 year old is asking for one again since she is having a hard time keeping track of the things she does. We have daily chores and Saturday chores so they donít have to think of the once a week things daily.

My 6 year old helps walk dishes after meal time to a sibling that is loading them in the dishwasher. She also helps with toy clean up 3 times a day. We clean up before lunch, dinner, and bed. (With homeschooling though itís often a 2 min job for what little they get out while taking turns playing with the toddler during school.) She also puts her dirty clothes in the hamper but I donít require that she hang her clean things up since that is hard due to her height. The only other things I can think of that she does on a daily basis is pick up her stuffed animals and make sure her books are put away.
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Old 10-23-2018, 06:24 AM   #24
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

If I find I am having to help too much, then our rule is that “If Mom has to help you clean up, then all the toys Mom cleans up are going away for awhile (weeks to months) because part of the responsibility of owning things is taking care of them and putting them away when you are done.” So we severely limit the number of things that are out. For my boys at times (especially the 4-6 ages), they have had as few as five toys out. Because that’s all they could easily clean up themselves I would do the same for chairs. “I will help you move them back, but that means losing the privilege of using them for forts or whatever else because part of the responsibility of using something is putting it back”

Little kids get overwhelmed so easily, especially by a large mess. Even *I* get overwhelmed by a large mess when I look at the play room sometimes. So if I look at it and feel overwhelmed, then I definitely offer to pitch in and while we clean up or after we clean up, we discuss how to clean when it is too much and how to avoid the big mess in the future: choose one set of toys to clean up at a time; have access to fewer toys at once; it’s more fun to play in an open space; not taking out more than we can tidy ourselves; etc

Our family of 6 lives in 1450 sq ft. So it can easily get to be messy all over our whole house. I regularly get rid of extra things, and even now, we probably have at least one third too many toys.
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Old 10-23-2018, 09:46 AM   #25
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

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Originally Posted by momma2girls View Post
My 8 year old can be this way. Honestly I have no idea if this is considered gentle parenting or not but the only thing that worked with her was taking away her access to 90% of her toys. Took her about a week but she has a very different attitude now.

As to chores I did lists with them for a long time and my almost 11 year old is asking for one again since she is having a hard time keeping track of the things she does. We have daily chores and Saturday chores so they donít have to think of the once a week things daily.

My 6 year old helps walk dishes after meal time to a sibling that is loading them in the dishwasher. She also helps with toy clean up 3 times a day. We clean up before lunch, dinner, and bed. (With homeschooling though itís often a 2 min job for what little they get out while taking turns playing with the toddler during school.) She also puts her dirty clothes in the hamper but I donít require that she hang her clean things up since that is hard due to her height. The only other things I can think of that she does on a daily basis is pick up her stuffed animals and make sure her books are put away.
We homeschool as well. he is also an only child. Problem is, he plays 8-10 hours out of the hours he is awake & he will take out toys to get to what he really wants but doesn't want to put anything back. Its an all day battle. We did just put a pile of toys up for a bit. I am hoping that will help organizing the ones that are out better. We had many of his things in individual boxes or bins (balls, cars, planks, magformers, etc) but dad wasnt enforcing that & i gave up for a while. We are going to get back to that & hopefully it will make that one chore less of a hassle.
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Old 10-23-2018, 11:29 AM   #26
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

Does the separating toys help? I tried to do that for my 6 year olds room but that overwhelmed him. He does much better when he has a big box for Legos, a space for stuffed animals and then just dump everything else together. I thought that having a place for everything would make cleaning up easier, but that's not the case for mine.
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Old 10-23-2018, 01:52 PM   #27
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

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Does the separating toys help? I tried to do that for my 6 year olds room but that overwhelmed him. He does much better when he has a big box for Legos, a space for stuffed animals and then just dump everything else together. I thought that having a place for everything would make cleaning up easier, but that's not the case for mine.
It used to. But then we got away from it. He will say he doesnt know where things go so it might help. Also, if he gets a box out, he only has one box to pack back up. He has always been allowed to get more than one box out ( plastic dinosaurs with legoes, etc.) BuT it beats him digging all his toys out to get to "the one", which overwhelms me when he refuses to pick them up.
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Old 10-23-2018, 04:12 PM   #28
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

We moved to the Trofast drawers from Ikea for most things. And we have a rule of only two kinds of toys out at a time, and if they are sets that have lots of pieces or it's close to bedtime, I let her know she can only get a few of each kind out. It may just be the maturity she's gained over time, but this is working better than previous types of sorting and rules.
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Old 10-23-2018, 07:51 PM   #29
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Default Re: refusing to do chores

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We moved to the Trofast drawers from Ikea for most things. And we have a rule of only two kinds of toys out at a time, and if they are sets that have lots of pieces or it's close to bedtime, I let her know she can only get a few of each kind out. It may just be the maturity she's gained over time, but this is working better than previous types of sorting and rules.
We have a similar bin system but in the bog toy box, there are other boxes of sorted toys. legoes, kitchen toys, unit blocks & magformers are in underbed bins
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