Mamas that are "Messies" Support Thread

[Peridot]

Originally Posted by duckwithoneleg

and and ... that's a little encouraging... and that there's such a thing as a "certified organizer" is a little terrifying ... i would like to know what works for us someday!

ETA: all those organizational things you tried, i've tried too... they only ever work for me if i remember to look at them... which, ime... maybe lasts for a week at best

yeah! AND the fact that I can look at the calendar and one minute later whatever it was has fallen CLEAN out of my head.

I'm having a really, really hard time, y'all.

I won't completely unload, because all of you already understand.

I'm 100% overwhelmed and I don't know what to do and how to handle my children. And I don't know who else to turn to. Everybody has their bit of advice, and none of it is helpful.

This is the first time in my life when my faith has faltered. I've never doubted before. But people say, "The Lord will give you strength," and yet....where is it? People say, "God's grace is unlimited," and yet.....I'm going insane because I can't keep up with "all the blessings God has given me". People say God is a God of order and that's why I should have an orderly house (yes, I have been told that multiple times), and yet as soon as I take the time to clean something, somebody messes it up again. I can tell them to clean up, but there's no way to enforce it without a switch, and I'm doing my best not to resort to that. People say, "God will supply all your needs", but God's not going to go in there and cook dinner for me.

I can either enjoy my children and live in a disaster area, or I can stay upset at them all the time for getting in the way of me trying to clean.

The only time I've ever had my stuff organized is when I lived alone and had all the time in the world to keep my brain and my stuff where it should be. My mother couldn't ever understand why I couldn't remember things.

I think, "Oh, we're out of applesauce," and reach for the grocery list, and then somebody says, "Mama!" My mind goes blank because I was distracted, I have no clue what I was supposed to be doing. And everybody wonders where their applesauce is for the next week and a half. And fusses because it's not there.

Can I just scream to the whole world: "Okay, people! I admit it! I'm a horrible mother!" and then what good will that do?

This isn't fair to my children. They shouldn't have to put up with this.

My 7 y.o. has been wondering around the house aimless nearly the whole day and had to ask 10 times for a snack. Every time I tried to get her one, somebody fussed and I had to go take care of it. My 5 y.o. has done his best to annoy everybody he can all day. My 3 y.o. spent half the day naked and picking at her bottom. The baby didn't take a nap until 4 p.m.

My kids' voices hurt my ears. Even the happy noises. I feel like I need to wear ear plugs just so I can block out enough noise to concentrate on cooking.

They don't deserve this. But I can't do any better.

[RealLifeMama]

I have had many days like that, Lin, and my heart aches for you. I can hear the pain and frustration and hopelessness in your post.
How old is your baby? The first 6 months for me with my 4th were so crazy. It took a long time for the mental fog to lift.
Do you use any supplements or meds for your ADD? I do not have an official ADD diagnosis or anything, but I think I just have lifestyle induced ADD, as in too many things going on at once.
I don't want to give you any advice, but if you want to brainstorm, maybe we can help.

Mine isn't lifestyle-induced. I was finally diagnosed in 5th grade, but I knew things weren't right even before I started kindergarten. I was the kid in school to whom the teacher kept having to say, "Stay with us now. Are you paying attention? Hellooooo! Look at me. Listen up, now." And I'd still miss it all.

The baby is almost 8 months old.

Everybody tells me the "pregnancy brain" goes away when you wean the baby. But before I ever have a chance to wean, I'm pregnant again. And then I'm usually tandem nursing, which doesn't help with the brain fog.

Yes, Amy, "hopeless" is a good word for it. I just don't know where else to turn. Even my husband is getting to the point where he's like, "Ooookay, I gotta go to work now. See you sometime late tonight."

Can I scream?

I know nobody here is going to say, "Well, you have too many children."
And nobody here is going to say (hopefully), "Stick those kids in school." (we homeschool)
And nobody here is going to say, "Get yourself on a schedule," because this is the Messies thread and we all know schedules don't work.
And nobody here is going to say, "Let that baby cry it out and you'll get a good night's sleep. Then you won't be so tired."

No, I've never taken medication and I don't plan on it. I'm an all-natural type of girl and refuse to medicate myself. I do, however, use caffeine because it actually helps me calm down and focus. The tea, yerba mate, helps as well, but I can't use it all the time because it loses it's "umph". Taking thyroid and adrenal supplements helps a lot, but they're really expensive.

[duckwithoneleg]

i was diagnosed in 5th grade too!

i'm with you on not medicating yourself. i've been on some meds before and i felt like a zombie. and... disturbingly, i couldn't daydream. (an old friend of mine who also had ADD used to joke with me "they call it a disorder, i call it a blessing! it means we don't have to listen to people when they are boring!" )

it's tough though. i think what i'm finding is that there are things to do that work... but it's not the same stuff that works for everyone else.

i don't have kids yet so all i can offer on that front is and i'm sorry you're so overwhelmed.

and maybe a little encouragement that a perfect shiny house is not equal to perfect shiny motherhood (in my not-a-mom-yet-opinion )

so far the best i have found for something that "works" for me is ( ) uh... i just keep trying different things, and it might work for a week and then i hit a wall. but i have to know that when i hit that wall, it's ok. things might get chaotic again for a week or two, and then i can start over?

it's really hard not to beat yourself up... but as much as possible... try not to beat yourself up

i'm sorry i don't have much that's helpful to say... mostly just...

ETA: ahem... i said things might get chaotic again for a week or two.... erm... in reality it might be more like a month or two.... especially if i'm not feeling extra happy. to be honest.

Well, if I'm nothing else, I'm a problem solver. I had an epiphany tonight. I MUST use videos to entertain my children. I hate doing it, but because I can't multitask, I can't entertain children and cook and clean and think and everything else I have to do. Which means they have too much free time to mill around and argue with each other. I will NOT repeat what my mother did, which was say, "I don't want to hear it. Take it outside." At which point we would go outside and continue to argue until I was in tears, which meant my bully brother had won again. I won't let my oldest daughter (who has a tendency to bully) do that to the others. Which means they have to be kept busy. So I put them in front of a Veggie Tales video on Netflix and I got the kitchen cleaned! DH was actually impressed when he got home at about 10:30 tonight.

So as much as I hate TV and the idea of using passive entertainment and the habits it can create.....I have no choice.

[duckwithoneleg]

i don't think that's the worst decision ever

wish i could come over and entertain kidsters for you so you could get things done!

[Peridot]

An omega three supplement seriously helped w/my mama-brain.

now- back to read the thread.

---------- Post added at 03:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:16 PM ----------

OK- I'm back.

I want to say this so so gently- re. medicating yourself. You are medicating yourself. Caffeine is most certainly a drug, and it is the most effective drug for classic ADD, a stimulant. I caffeine. It calms me down, helps me think, and gets my body moving so it can keep up with my mind!

I have found a whole realm of herbal and vitamin 'medications' that help with my ADD. I also like this book- not that you have the time to read...

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Anxiet...060191279#noop

I don't know how many children you have, or how old they are or how much space you have, or loads of other things- but I DO know how you feel. Exhausted, overwhelmed, feeling everyone else does everything so easily, why can't I?

and duck is so right, shiny house does not equal shiny mom!

Applaud yourself- I know its hard- for wanting to figure it out, and not merely checking out. I DO absolutely let my kids watch too much TV. But certain things HAVE to be done. We all need clean clothes, food, time to play and learn and be loved. That's 85% of your job right there, momma, and it sounds like you've got that 85 covered.

I have many momma friends IRL who have ADD. We ALL deal with the same probems, medicated, self medicated or unmedicated. I don't know what to say besides, I know how hard it is, and I hurt so much for you, because I know how much it hurts to feel inadequate.

So why does caffeine, a stimulant, help calm us down and focus?

I take fish oils too. I can't tell any difference.

I have 4. The oldest is 7. I've had hormone-brain (which just makes it all the worse) for 8 years now. We've been married 8 years and E. is a honeymoon baby. I've nursed each of them 2 yrs and beyond, which means I've had super-ADD since we've been married. My poor DH. He doesn't know what happened to the person he married. He's sweet about it, but he didn't know what he was getting.

[Peridot]

4 under 8? Wow!

This is what I understand...

ADD/ADHD is at least partially a problem of uneven, and often insufficient chemical production in the brain. Two we tend to have not enough of are serotonin and dopamine.

SSRI's, the most popular form of Anti-depressants, elevate serotonin availablity- but not production.

Caffeine elevates production of almost ALL neurotransmitter chemicals.

Valerian root elevates Dopamine production, particularly if taken at night.

Serotonin and Dopamine affect each other directly. Typically if one is low the other is too. These chemicals allow our brains to send and receive messages. We literally CAN'T THINK if they are low. Sleep loss results in a drop in these chemicals.

Omega Threes support these chemical productions in some way. Haven't figured that out yet.

Confused yet?

OK, If we are too high in Serotonin, our minds race, and we need more dopamine to calm us. Since caffeine increases dopamine production, it calms us. Caffeine seems to have the effect of evening things out, as does the Omega threes.

I don't know why they are not having an effect for you. Maybe it IS and it's just subtle, maybe you need more?

Anxiety and stress also cause a drop in Dopamine levels, making us mind-racey and jittery, but still unable to accomplish anything. Being a momma w/ADD is sufficient tress, IMHO to cause all sorts of problems.

I feel like I've said a lot, but didn't explain much.

[momto4intx]

Oh, count me in. I love a clean house too but with 3 boys and homeschooling and therapy appointments for my oldest (and now add remodeling a kitchen) it looks like we are moving in. Yikes!! It has gotten better over the years and I want to be reformed so I look forward to support and suggestions on this journey.

Peridot---THANK YOU!!!

Yes, that all made sense. I didn't know caffeine affected all that. Most people tell me caffeine is the last thing I need because I have adrenal fatigue (failure, actually), and maybe it's destroying me in the long run and cutting years off the end of my life, but at least I can function better now, when I'm needed most.

Some days caffeine doesn't even do the job.

I have wondered if we have a dopamine or serotonin deficiency running in the family, causing depression, forgetfulness, and the general feeling that we're just about to go insane any minute if conditions were right. *rolls eyes* I think my mom is either manic-depressive or schizophrenic. Mildly. Nobody else knew it, not even my best friend.....but her (extended) family sure knew it.

I didn't know about the link re: fish oils and brain chemicals. I used to work with children with autism (ABA therapist) and one of the alternative treatments I learned about was fish oils. They coat the myelin sheaths around nerve endings, making the child (read: us) less sensitive to our surroundings. ADD is on the spectrum.....it's all a matter of degrees.

My two tips for sanity: 1. declutter. 2. pick up the baby.

1. If you get rid of things, there's less stuff to deal with.
2. When there's chaos and noise and you don't know what to do first, pick up the baby. If the baby stops crying, at least you have one thing taken care of, and unless you've got your hands full of toddler poop or raw meatloaf.....it's a simple thing to do.

Re: valerian root. Sleepytime Extra tea makes me dizzy and incredibly sleepy. Like I imagine it would feel like to be drunk. I used to take it (pre-baby) so I could sleep when I was going through a really stressful time after I left home.

[Peridot]

OK, re teas vs capsules...

A tea is an infusion of volatile oils into water. It is absorbed VERY quickly into your system, through the stomach walls, some of it!

Now if you take a capsule of dry herb, it has to work its way down into your gut at least a little, and you digest the herb, rather than absorbing a ready infusion. Slows it down, in other words...

I did get very sleepy at first on valerian, but it faded. I decided to take a low dose daily...er nightly, and it wasn't long before I began to realise some significant benefits.

I just remembered this thread.

Long story short, my doctor recommended a Vitamin B-12 injection. Things have improved dramatically and although I'm still scattered, my brain is in much better order than it's been in a long time. I've been waking up in the morning before anybody else gets up, all ready to start my day. What a change! I've been waking up actually wanting to do stuff.

I still have clothes piled all over my room because I'm trying stuff on (last summer I was in maternity clothes and the summer before that I was a size 4-6, which means I have no summer clothes which currently fit my size L-XL upper half and M-L lower half body). But at least I can look at it with the intention of finishing the project rather than covering my eyes and wailing in frustration.

I highly recommend B-12 shots. I wonder how long they last.

[Peridot]

Yay! I'm so glad it's working for you!

Oh, and I TOTALLY understand the whole- 'my entire wardrobe is out on the bed now what do I do' thing.