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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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View Poll Results: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?
Pearl's / Woodshed's 20 16.39%
Dobson's 51 41.80%
Fugate's 4 3.28%
Ezzo's 27 22.13%
Other 20 16.39%
Voters: 122. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 03-17-2005, 08:26 AM   #1
TulipMama
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Default Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

If you had punitive parenting ideas impact you before leaving them behind to embrace gbd/positive parenting, which writers/teachers were influential?

You can select as many as apply. Feel free to explain what "other" punitive authors impacted you.

I'm trying to get a "feel" for where the mamas here in the UFP folder are coming from. *grin*

I answered all of the above--but most strongly would have been the Ezzos.

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Old 03-17-2005, 09:56 AM   #2
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I still have Dobson's voice in the back of my head some days.
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Old 03-17-2005, 02:05 PM   #3
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I grew up with standard Baptist "discipline" and my parents read and listened to a lot of Dobson's stuff, so I was influenced by him from childhood. I read his books when I became a parent, too, but he seemed mild compared to what most of the families I grew up with actually *did* plus--from a parenting perspective--he left a lot of questions unanswered in my mind. Still, those ideas are the most deeply ingrained and "programmed" b/c they've been prevalent my whole life.

There is also a lot of cultural influence.. just old-fashioned, conservative ideas about parental authority and "whippin," and "switchin."

When ds1 was 6 mos. old, a friend gave me TTUAC and the 2 books that follow it. I started reading and re-reading.. thinking, talking to dh, etc... over the next several months. That was probably the most dramatic (and destructive) punitive influence on me as a parent. His methods struck me as shocking and a bit extreme at first, but began to seem like a more thorough, "purified" version of what I had always been taught, plus he broke everything down into such detail that I was drawn to it. (I was really floundering at the time and at a loss for what do to with my very spirited and determined young man)
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Old 03-17-2005, 02:07 PM   #4
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

When I was pg with my first, we were approached at church and told about this "great" program that will get us on track after having our baby. The baby would be so easy and not keep us up at night
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Old 03-19-2005, 03:18 PM   #5
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

well, I grew up with my parents under the influence of Dobson. That kind of stuff is always in the back of my head. I was never into spanking, but I have problems with yelling, which I consider to be just as bad--if not worse--than spanking. I struggle almost daily to keep that part of personality under control.
In not being a spanking parent, I would tend to lean toward being permissive and then yell when things got out of hand. Thank goodness my guys were very, very young when I found GCM. Drew was 2.5 and Alex was just 6 months. I thank God that I found this place so early in my parenting adventure!
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Old 03-19-2005, 04:53 PM   #6
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I chose Dobson and "other". The "Other" being my parents!! My parents being Dobson followers, I guess you could just say Dobson!!
Allison, you and I sound a lot alike!
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Old 03-19-2005, 05:35 PM   #7
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I said Dobson's. I grew up in SBCs, so Dobson was pretty much the *only* way to parent when I was a child. As a result, I have "voices in my head" that sometimes make me want to **make** my children obey as opposed to helping them obey.

I never followed Ezzo's parenting ideas, but I've been faced with parents who have. As a result, I've been heavily influenced by Ezzo, but just not in the way Ezzo would like. My exposure has made me very aware of the harmful effects of CIO and scheduling BF. As a result, I am very involved in witnessing to parents about AP and how it fits within God's grace paradigm.
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Old 03-19-2005, 06:04 PM   #8
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

Ezzo since that is what was taught at our church. We weren't actually parents at the time but were both active in children's ministries (daycare, sunday school, basketball coach, etc) so had a lot of "training." I'm thankful, though I loved that church family, that we had moved away by the time ds was born and had been exposed to Dr. Sears books by then.
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Old 03-19-2005, 07:35 PM   #9
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I said Pearls and others. The others are other moms at another board that I was involved in for a brief time. I have always been an ap parent, but when our ds was 3yo, I started questioning the discipline side. WHY, WHY didn't he behave? I ran across a few articles and books and they influenced me just at the wrong time. I joined the particular board I mentioned, which was not specifically about child-rearing, but had all kinds of legalistic stuff and the Pearls were considered #1 in terms of parenting. I got sucked in somehow and it took me over a year to truly detox. I am so grateful that God helped me out of that terrible pit. In many ways, I am also grateful (though sorry, too) that we went through that punitive, controlling stage. I was pretty cocky about ap/gentle discipline before this and tended to look down on anyone who didn't do things my way. I really, truly believe that this is the very best way to raise children. I don't believe that it is just a matter of personal preference, personality or anything. I think ap/GBD give our children the very best and best model Jesus' love. However, having gone through a couple of years of walking in the shoes of the 'other side', I am now much more empathetic and understanding toward them. I am more likely to see them as horribly misled and in bondage than to see them as uncaring, lazy or mean.

I must say that I also gained a new insight on Dr. Dobson and I no longer slate him into the same category as the Ezzos or the Pearls. I really believe that he is a man who dearly loves the Lord. I completely disagree with him on many, many points, but I have also read a few things that make me believe that he does have a kind and understanding side to him. I definitely don't go out of my way to get his books or articles (except that I do own Bringing Up Boys and appreciated a lot of that), but I do think that I was able to do what we tell moms at LLL to do, "Take what works for you and leave the rest." I don't find that his written material has the same negative influence on me that the Pearls stuff does. With the Pearls and other similar writers, Reb Bradley was another one, their books are like poison to me. If I ingets it, it does damage. Dr. Dobson doesn't affect me like that....though PLEASE don't think I am trying to endorse his materials!! I really have tended to steer clear of most of them.
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Old 03-19-2005, 07:48 PM   #10
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

I put "other" meaning my parents. It's been so hard for me to break out of how I was raised. I get absolutely horrified with myself when I start throwing labels around. My mom has said I was lazy as long as I can remember. (Apparently, I didn't cry after birth and the dr told her I was too lazy to cry. Nice start, huh?) Definately not something I want my dds to grow up hearing.
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Old 03-19-2005, 10:06 PM   #11
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

Other: Tedd Tripp. I've read SACH and attended his conference and though he has good intentions that really captured me, it's a slippery slippery slope...
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Old 03-20-2005, 05:40 AM   #12
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

my 'other' is kind of punitive in some respects and not in others.
the boundary books.
i didn't realize how much i was influenced by them until i started re reading them recently.
i learnt a lot about 'empathy' as a tool from their books and they are not pro spanking. also they say with balancing grace and truth that when in doubt go with grace. this is all good.
BUT they continually say things like 'part of your little angel's make up is a criminal mind. he thinks he's powerful enough to avoid the results of his actions.'
'consequences transfer the need to be responsible from the parent to the child'
'it's scary how our kids can sense when we are weak and ready to give in to them.
.......
kids' work us and work us and work us.'
stuff like that.

so i think that they rely too much on consequences and rewards,
but are not really punitive.
more adversarial.

ps - i do like the idea that reality teaches us and that if you go nuts the problem the kid has is not his behaviour, but his crazy mother. lol.
sorry if all this wasn't appropriate to this thread.
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Old 03-20-2005, 05:55 AM   #13
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

Kris10s,
*Ack* I should have put Tripp up there instead of Fugate. (For some reason, they popped to mind. . .)


Christine, I love your post. *hug* And personally, I agree with you about Dobson being one of those that is easier to glean the good from, without the bad impacting thought patterns. (Well, that's what I remember anyway. . .)


"Other" for me would probably include a lot of the mothers I knew when I was a teenager. They definitely had a lot of love and active involvement with their children. But the negative was a huge focus on controlling and viewing every little misstep as a *big deal* that needed immediate correction (usually swats.)




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Old 03-20-2005, 11:59 AM   #14
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

When I first started with raising my kids I thought the Pearls/Woodshed were purists in raising and dedicating themselves into families. Many people seemed like they had the old fashioned way of doing things which seemed best. As time went on, I felt uncomfortable and chose the original route I desired when raising children.

My biggest obstacle was the way marriage and women were percieved in Pearls/Woodshed mentality. I could never agree to disagree on these issues and felt out of place among these types of Christians. Therefore I resolved by going another direction. I do not consider it the "wrong" direction of unChristian.

I was a member of the Woodshed board and these ladies were nice ladies. However,I simply felt further away from the ideals.
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Old 03-20-2005, 09:24 PM   #15
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Default Re: Which Punitive Parenting Ideas Influenced You?

When I was pg with my first baby, my mom sent me Fugate and Dobson, so I would be "ready". I also read a lot of John Rosemond on my own, who seemed to be milder than the others because he was pro-spanking but not regimented about it.
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