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Old 10-04-2007, 06:21 AM   #1
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Default Collected Past Posts about GD for Older Children

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Title: GD for older kids?
Post by: believer on March 27, 2005, 09:38:28 PM
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Is there gd for older children? I yelled at my 12 year old daughter tonight - because I told her at 8:00 to take a shower, then at 8:30 she came to me and told me she thought it was probably now too late to shower - her father had let her eat desert first - ice cream - and that took 30 minutes???? - and she started to launch into an explanation of why she had not showered when I told her to which I knew would take another 5 to 10 min. so I said go, just go now and shower and hurry and she kept trying to explain and I yelled just go now because she would not stop talking and go - and anyway I know I should not yell at her, and then she went upstairs and cried and then showered and told me afterwards that I yell at her too much and we made up, but I do not know how to deal with her without yelling sometimes.
Help???

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Title: Re: GD for older kids?
Post by: Heather on March 27, 2005, 09:50:08 PM
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(((HUGS))) I'm definately no pro here... just wanted to offer a

But I have been there with my 8 year old. I'll be waiting to hear any responses...

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Title: Re: GD for older kids?
Post by: Wake Me Up on March 27, 2005, 09:51:50 PM
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I don't know.. I don't have teenagers... yet.

I've been eyeballing this just to get ready :P

How to Really Love Your Teenager (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...=UTF8&v=glance) by Ross Campbell

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Title: Re: GD for older kids?
Post by: SingingPraise on March 27, 2005, 10:33:27 PM
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waving! hi there! i have a 15yo that i've yelled at too much too.
i am working really hard with her -but man, teens are EXHAUSTING - much harder then toddlers. lol

dont' beat yourself up, we all mess it up sometimes. but listening to a teen is HARD. they go on and on and on... its hard to get them to get to the point

GD is possible with my teen. It just is dificult. hang in there mama

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Title: Re: GD for older kids?
Post by: schoolofmom on March 28, 2005, 09:18:57 AM
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There's also a book, Positive Discipline for Teenagers (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...glance&s=books), by Jane Nelsen.

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Title: Re: GD for older kids?
Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 28, 2005, 09:28:39 AM
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also: How to talk so Teens will listen and listen so Teens will Talk by Faber and Maslish, and if adults can use the Comfort Corner and 5 Steps then teens can too Family meetings, boundaries, reflecting feelings--it all applies to teens, it just might look different.

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Title: Re: GD for older kids?
Post by: believer on March 28, 2005, 10:18:51 AM
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Thanks for the encouragement - I will check the library for those books!

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Title: Gentle Discipline for older children
Post by: Kasi on March 20, 2005, 05:20:02 PM
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How does this look? How does it work? I'm primarily concerned with how I deal with my 11yo & 9yo boys. With my younger ones, I find it easier to apply gentle & GBD, but with my older ones who have grown up thus far with punitive ways, I find that I'm lacking in my "tool box".

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline for older children
Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 20, 2005, 05:24:02 PM
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good question Jane Nelson has a good book called "Positive Discipline for Teens" that you might want to check out. Some important ideas are family meetings where you really problem solve and do conflict resolution, let them have a say in problem solving and setting the consequences, use more logical consequences and be moving towards allowing all natural consequences.

Do you have a specific situation so we can offer some better answers?

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline for older children
Post by: ShangriLewis on March 20, 2005, 06:27:42 PM
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Barbara Colorosa has alot to say about teens and older children. She has a video, too...just don't let your kids watch it She's really enjoyable to watch.

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline for older children
Post by: phermion on March 20, 2005, 09:04:39 PM
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I also find that it's much easier to use GD with my youngest who has been Ap'd and GD'd (well pretty close) from the start and can commiserate about working out the adversarial relationship and moving towards GD with my older two (6 &7). Just so you know you're not the only one. For a long while I thought everyone here but Crystal (who had her kids ages in her siggy) only had babies. I'm "toolin' up" with you.

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline for older children
Post by: daffodil on June 20, 2005, 12:54:38 PM
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I am surprised there wasn't more on this subject. My older two(11&9year olds) do pretty good and are easily correctable. But alot of that depends if they feel respected for who they are by me. If they feel like I actually respect them as a person they can trust that my decisions for them will not be unreasonable. They are able to make pretty good decisions most of the time now and I am proud of them. If I see something going in the wrong direction then we deal with it as it comes. For wxample my 11y was gettting addicted to the nintendo so much that that's all he could think of doing and was getting very short fused with his siblings. So I explained to him about selfishness and put a reasonable time limit on his nintendo time. I remind him when time is up and give him some time to finish up and save his game. Things like that.......taking the adversity out of the relationship helps alot.

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline for older children
Post by: jujubnme on June 20, 2005, 01:08:15 PM
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I'll add to the reading list. I thought Hold On To Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld, had a lot of good things to say about attachment and discipline with older kids.

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline for older children
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 20, 2005, 01:10:46 PM
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Oh--and if you want to offer a specific example I can offer some specific suggestions, as can some of the moms with older kids

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline for older children
Post by: fatfishes on June 21, 2005, 04:39:43 AM
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I am a late convert to GBD with my older ones,now 15 and 12.I switched 2 years ago.The biggest struggle was chaning how I saw their behaviour and the next hardest part was changing my habits.I am still not 100% there!.
How does it look,Im not sure.I made time and even dh has followed my example on taking them out alone for a coffee[starbucks is their absoute fav].We get to chat and connect.
The biggest change came with my eldest.Just after we switched she became critically ill from meningitus [caused by an ear infection]She was in hospital for weeks followed by home on IV drip.Dh and I spent alot of time with her.We became her advocate in deaing with the medical staff,we became her protectors from unwanted visitors and un nessesary intrusion,we became friends through spending time with her passing the boredom of hospital.Obviously that option isnt open to you.I just thought I would share how it happened for us.The end result was a child that realised and saw that we oved her and were acting out of that love and was more willing to listen to us .
I heard once that a chocolate factory lets its staff eat the chocolate they are making.At first the new recruits eat loads and loads of chocolate but eventually they get sick and they no longer eat masses,maybe just the odd piece every now and again.That was how the switch worked with us.At first the kids seemed to want to try and see how far they could go,what they could get away with and what we would do.After a while they settled down and understood the boundaries.
I think its a good idea to allow them to talk about how they were parented and I apologised and explained that I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.
With children who are older one of the hardest parts is allowing the freedom to make some mistakes and suffer the consequences.For instance if they dont make a packed unch they go hungry until after school finishes

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline for older children
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 21, 2005, 08:57:03 AM
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Quote:
With children who are older one of the hardest parts is allowing the freedom to make some mistakes and suffer the consequences
Yes--that is the hardest, and the most important

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Title: Help me deal with this, please?
Post by: Chris3jam on September 29, 2005, 09:25:17 AM
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I have a 9 yo boy who is really getting mean. He does things just to be mean. His 7.5 yo brother is very much the same. . . except for the 7.5 yo, it's more like an impulsive, ADHD thing, whereas the 9 yo puts a lot more thought into it. Nothing is working for these two. For instance, dd had made a headband last night at church. . .9 yo took it from her this AM, and cut it. He had to take it from her protesting fingers, keep it from her while finding sissors, and cut it. Why would someone do something like that? And the really confusing thing is that sometimes he can be SO sweet (as long as he feels he's "in charge"). How do I deal with this? GDB seems so much easier with the younger people. . . my problem seems to be dealing with the boys, who are older. And, yes, we do have the punitive background, and dh still is, but why isn't all MY effort in this doing anything? Dh says just be mean back to him. That's how the world works --- take something he's really attached to and cut it up. Or, better yet, just "beat his butt!". I can't do that. . but I am at a loss at how to deal with the older kids, especially when they do things like that. I did not handle it well this AM --- I practically yelled, "Why do you do this?! This is mean?! It was done for no other reason than to be mean!" Now I need to try and help him recover from that as well.

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Title: Re: Help me deal with this, please?
Post by: Singingmom on September 29, 2005, 11:01:03 AM
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Well, first, I don't think you handled it badly as a start. What you said was true, it was mean. I think it's fine for him to hear that what he did was mean. Is he jealous of his siblings? Does he feel like he's always the one getting in trouble and that you favor the others b/c of that? That's the only motivation I can think of. Can you work it out with Dh so that you both get to have some one on one time with him each week? Taking him to the grocery store with you alone, even if he doesn't really want to go. I think you've said you need to reconnect with him. If he could help you at the store and get some strokes for pushing the cart for you, etc.,on a regular basis maybe that would help.

For the hairband cutting incident, I'd want to dig in a little more. Maybe you could do a character study with him or lessons from the Bible about the Golden Rule or reading about Joseph and his brothers. How they were jealous of him (maybe not putting him on the spot about his jealousy,) and how they treated him vs. how he treated them in the end.

I'd require that he perform a certain number of acts of service for his sister to practice showing her respect. Come to think of it, he should probably have to sew the headband back together, not as a punishment, but as something he needs to do to fix the problem he created. Give him a simple sewing lesson and get him started. It won't take many stitches. He may complain, but that's ok. Any time he deliberately ruins something that belongs to someone else he should probably have to repair it. It shouldn't take long before it sinks in that doing that will cost him something. Same thing for the 7yo.

I agree, it is a lot harder to figure out how to use gbd well with an older child who you were adversarial with before. Hang in there!

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Title: Re: Help me deal with this, please?
Post by: Joanne on September 29, 2005, 02:12:33 PM
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Quote:
I'd require that he perform a certain number of acts of service for his sister to practice showing her respect. Come to think of it, he should probably have to sew the headband back together, not as a punishment, but as something he needs to do to fix the problem he created. Give him a simple sewing lesson and get him started. It won't take many stitches. He may complain, but that's ok. Any time he deliberately ruins something that belongs to someone else he should probably have to repair it. It shouldn't take long before it sinks in that doing that will cost him something. Same thing for the 7yo.
Yes, along these lines. Unkindness and property damage is amended with kindness and respect. He'll need to do things that are kind and respectful. *Eventually*, it will be easier to to the right thing the first time.
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Old 10-04-2007, 06:28 AM   #2
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Default Re: Collected Past Posts about GD for Older Children

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Title: Gentle Discipline and older children
Post by: My Little Saint on June 03, 2005, 07:42:12 PM
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Okay, I am curious... I love gentle discipline and am learning more as each day passes. However, I don't really know how I'm going to transition as Ethan gets older, say 7, 8, 9 years old. I have been trying to apply some of the techniques in my classroom (I teach second grade), because I really don't like the way the school "disciplines" :/ It's all about taking away privileges that have nothing to do with what they actually did, etc, etc. Either, I'm doing it wrong or it doesn't work for kids this age and older, or because of the kids' backgrounds I have to modify in some way. I want to teach my kids in the classroom, as well as my own child, that not everything has a negative consequence and that they can find grace even when they make mistakes.

Any thoughts?

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline and older children
Post by: Teribear on June 03, 2005, 09:14:20 PM
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My DD is nearly 8...now while she has been raised with GBD (for the most part) so I don't have issues with using it with her. And you won't with Ethan either. It will be what he's used to.

I work with kids and teens and I have found that I can apply it fairly well in a classroom situation too. But you also need to remember that GBD changes a bit as kids approach the logic stage (7-10 I think but Crystal will know for sure). I would recommend for a classroom situation "How to Teach So Kids Can Learn" its basically "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen" for the classroom. Its by Faber and Mazlish. Its wonderful.

HTH

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline and older children
Post by: kalemommy on June 04, 2005, 11:28:07 AM
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As a teacher, I have found that the same approaches used in GBD (I didn't know it had a name) have worked very well with children as old as sixth grade.

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline and older children
Post by: fourbygrace on June 04, 2005, 09:44:01 PM
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I would suggest reading Kids are Worth It! by Barbara Coloroso.

I started to read it a while ago and I thought that it applied more to older kids and so I would wait and read it when my dc are a little older. She also was (is ? ) a classroom teacher and I remember she talked about her approach in the classroom.

I am still learning GBD, but my oldest ds is 7 and it seems to be helping our relationship.

Blessings,
Mary

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline and older children
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 06, 2005, 12:20:38 PM
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Jane Nelson's "Positive Discipline" is also a good one. She's coming at a lot of this from a teacher perspective

It does work great with older children but when they aren't your own you have to assume they don't have the foundation of reflecting feelings and conflict resolution and need to take time to teach these things

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Title: Re: Gentle Discipline and older children
Post by: My Little Saint on June 13, 2005, 05:49:25 PM
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Thank you for your replies. I will check out these books. You are right ArmsofLove, when they are not your children, it is difficult. It's difficult with my own Also, the pressure of the system gets to you, because it is pretty straight forward and it is punitive. At least in the classroom, I can modify. Thanks again, and I will check out all of these resources.

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