Balancing quality time with homeschooling, and alone time

[rdsmommy]

I posted this in the tweens/ teens forum but I thought maybe it might fit here better since I think it may be more unique to homeschoolers.

I am not sure exactly where to post this but since my dc are 9&11 I decided to put it here. I am really struggling with not wanting to spend time with my kids. I am a homeschool mom so we are together pretty much 24/7, and between teaching and housekeeping this introvert is worn out and doesn't want to be around them for anything more. I know it sounds awful but it's how I feel right now. Then I feel guilty for not wanting to hang out with them. I want to have a close relationship with them but I am worn out. My mom never did fun things with us and I don't want that for my kids, but I don't know what to do short of sending them to school so I can get a mental break. Do you play with your kids? What is a balanced amount of fun time with them? I think that if I could get an idea of what is normal/avg. it might help me. I know part of the problem is that even when I have me time i feel guilty for not being with them so even then I can't really relax.

[mamacat]

I would try and do the schooling and quality time together.Everyone together and enjoying a read aloud chapter book and taking turns reading aloud.Maybe playing an educational board or card game.I am not a card or board game player but did have some fun times when my HSers were about those same ages asking each other trivia questions - geography subjects,presidents etc. playing Scrabble regular or Jr.same with chores or lunch or breakfast time - can put on music orl isten to a book on tape together. Often they are content you just being outside with them to occasionally watch them do whatever.That was my me time for years.Would take Bible and book outside while they played. My other me time was going to bed about an hour early and reading for an hour

[Tasmanian Saint]

We have a weekly "special time" at the weekend, where one parent spends an hour or so alone with one child and the other spends that time with the other two. So it takes a couple of months (because sometimes the weekend is too busy and it doesn't happen) to cycle through each parent with each combination.
I'd like to fit in a weekly family game night, with the old two, too, but figured out where.

Apart from that, I do like mama Kat, try to make school time count and spend some time outside with them and my book. And bedtime stories.

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[Anne Ofalamo]

I do not know how I could have survived without my husband taking all of them every Tues and thursday for archery. It was 2 hours each time, and I needed it sooooooooooooooo bad.

[sweetpeas]

As someone else mentioned, homeschooling is our quality time. The 12 yr olds are doing more independent work this year, but we all get together for Bible (listen to audio Bible, discussion and sometimes a read aloud) and history (read alouds, audiobooks, videos). They "reconnect" as needed by sitting on my lap in the recliner during any of those things (they squash me, and sometimes I have to say "ok, enough, please get off"). We also do once a month one-on-one dates (each kid gets one date, she gets to choose which parent & where to go (Little Miss Social Butterfly, Lina, generally chooses ice cream or somesuch and invites her sisters along, so it's just all of us going out for ice cream, but whatever she wants. The big girls very much cherish the one-on-one time). . .

But the rest of the day, even though we're all in the house, we're mostly each doing our own thing (the 6 yr old still needs more interaction with me, but I've found that, for me, (MY) little kids don't drain me . . . it's when they're older that they're more "people" and therefore draining . . . or something

Also once my kids got beyond the toddler years, when I couldn't do any cleaning when they were awake without them undoing it faster than I could do it, I realized that, once they're in bed at night, I NEED that to be down time! I'll sometimes wash dishes or throw in a load of laundry, but that is mostly just veg/recharge time. And, we have a pretty set in stone 9:30(ish) bedtime for all 3 girls. The older girls know they can stay awake reading if they want, but they have to be upstairs and quiet, and quite frankly a big reason for that "rule" is so that I get that veg time at night. . .

[rdsmommy]

Originally Posted by sweetpeas

But the rest of the day, even though we're all in the house, we're mostly each doing our own thing (the 6 yr old still needs more interaction with me, but I've found that, for me, (MY) little kids don't drain me . . . it's when they're older that they're more "people" and therefore draining . . . or something
. .

This is it... when they were little I didn't feel as drained by them. I thought maybe it was because they slept more or maybe it was just easier to play with them... I don't know... maybe it IS because they feel more like people now???

So what I am hearing is that doing school and life together is/can be quality time so it isn't necessarily important to play with them everyday as well. I guess since I felt neglected as a child I want to make sure and build relationships with my kids, but I don't have a guideline or experience with what that looks like. I do enjoy doing things with them sometimes but I get worn out, and then feel guilty for not wanting to be around them. I am really introverted though as in I really don't like to hang out with anyone else either. I would much rather stay home and do my own thing by myself.

---------- Post added at 06:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:45 PM ----------

Another thing that I think is draining me is that my dd is very hard to teach, which means that by the time I am done listening to her whine, be sarcastic, and complain through her schoolwork I honestly just need to run far away from her negativity, which I know is a separate issue.

[Amber]

Homeschooling drains me like none other. Only one of my kids is able to do his work independently, and rotating through helping the other three means I am constantly interacting with someone.

[AngelaVA]

On days when we homeschool, that's my main interaction with my 9 yo. I try to make it as quality as possible. I snuggle with her and read 30 min before bed most days too. We try to do some fun non school things together on non school days.


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[tempus vernum]

I am outgoing but introverted from the standpoint that I need alone time A LOT. SEveral things have helped me with this tremendously.

AN enforced 1/2 hour a day of silent time EVERY DAY. ALL my children do independent reading from 2:30 to 3pm.. Somehow, as short as it seems, it recharges me a lot.

Art time - yesterday for the first time we did art all at the same time. Everyone did different projects but we used our art/writing center. I"m trying to help them see the art/writing center as a great place for projects so we are keeping up this habit for awhile IT was SOOOO relaxing for me. I"m shocked at how relaxing. I'm not artsy

I also take alone time regularly and spend a lot of time in solitude and doing things. I shop alone, I go to the used bookstore. I sent my kids to summer camp this year and it was a very wise decision. This year, my dd1 wants to take my tap class. At first, it sounded fun but now I'm realizing, I just gave up my weekly scheduled time to be by myself BUT she will be in adult tap so I certainly won't be parenting her

Honestly, I've never been good at playing but I do spend time with each child alone each day if possible. Lately, its happened alot better than normal. Even if they get into bed later, I spend the time at bed if it hasn't happened during the day.

I'm also learning it has to be specific to the child in order to reach them. I actually am going to re-read love languages for children. I am going to give my children (9,13,15) a chance to read parts and help determine their primary and secondary love languages.

DD1 - 15 easy - she's an external processor and honestly I spend more time w her than any child. Thankfully, one of her love languages is quality time so it fills her bucket She told me in front of a friend "oh, I tell my mom everything." BUT this also can mean hours of processing after a big event or happening in her life.

DS - my biggest challenge. He is almost 14 and he's quiet and sensitive but I'm learning how to speak his language. Today, we are going to buy an additional x box remote. I find myself investing in the things HE loves so that we can spend time together. DH and I have decided that is how things have to be. It's his game system but we are both making an effort to engage with him and play it so that we can "reach him." It seems to be working. His primary love language is physical touch and he's in the phase that he doesn't want hugs so I'm a bit challenged with him. I really need to hone in on his secondary love language which has me a bit confused right now.

DD2 - she's extroverted but not like her sister. SHe was verbally sharing EVERYTHING but has been going through some emotional processing internally as she ages. I spend about 30 minutes a night with her at bedtime. We read and then chat and sometimes it extends to 60. The past week or two she has opened up.

ANd finally, when the Lord presses things on my heart, we stop and talk. WE never let our schedule or things on our "lists" to get in the way of spiritual or emotional things that need to be addressed. I prioritize our lives like this.
1. spiritual
2. emotional/physical/mental health/family life
3. school.
This is important to state for me because I know that sometimes I tend to put school above number 1 and 3. So in some ways I'm reminding myself of my priorities.

For me, school isn't quality time unless the child really loves school. Probably because last year was so so so stressful. It wasn't pleasant for any of us. This year, I could see school being quality time but we are unschooling and things are *mostly* pleasant so far. That said, I really enjoy our current habits and am praying we can maintain them

[mamacat]

Would your dh do something like get into a routine of taking kids out for a walk or outside after evening meal? Even if you are home cleaning kitchen can be nice to have that time of solitude

[Thia]

I try to be up before the kids and have taught them to respect my coffee time.
I give myself permission to hide in the bathroom or my bedroom for 5 or 10 min as needed through the school day.
After everyone has their food and is sitting for lunch, I take mine elsewhere. I read, catch up online, whatever.
During the day we do chores and school and basically it's business time or my time. After dinner we will play games, read books etc until bedtime.
I do try, as I feel able, to pop into their rooms while they play and show interest, as well.
I'm trying to work out a plan for when my bubble gets popped. You know, cooking dinner in my own little world and someone comes in to talk. I tend to not be gracious, but I want that to change.

[rdsmommy]

Originally Posted by mamacat

Would your dh do something like get into a routine of taking kids out for a walk or outside after evening meal? Even if you are home cleaning kitchen can be nice to have that time of solitude

We are trying to do something like this but dh doesn't like routine so I never know if I can count on it happening. We talked about him taking the kids out on Saturday morning so I can have a break but it seems that things keep coming up.

They were fighting a lot one day a few weeks ago and I sent them to there rooms for 30 minutes. It was bliss! Maybe I need to reinstate quiet time?

Thank you ladies for all the suggestions.

[sweetpeas]

Another thing I found that I *must* do to keep my sanity is audiobooks/DVDs in the car. . . It started back when Lina still fell asleep in the car. I'd put in an audiobook or DVD for the big girls to listen to/watch while Lina finished her nap, then we'd go into the store or whatever. . . but recently I've NOT had an audiobook a time or 2 and I realized, it's a necessity for me. That time in the car where the kids are all quiet listening to the story. Otherwise they are chattering at me, which I'm sure "the experts" would say I should be encouraging, but for whatever reason I desperately need car time to be "alone time". Probably because it's inevitably going to/from a interactions with people. Or something. But absolutely, audiobooks in the car is a must for me.

[LLMom]

Whatever you do, get that time. It is so important. I crashed and burned bad because I did not make time for self-care. Tweens typically don't want to spend a lot of play time with parents; they are becoming more interested in friends and other pursuits. My children were happy to do school with me and then did stuff on their own (like crafts, sports, games, etc) or I got them together with friends.

[RoseOfGrace]

I'm a strong introvert and homeschooling mom, too. I also grew up with a mom who was a bit neglectful in the relationship department. I really, really don't want to pass on my negative experiences to my kids.

So, I've been working on this whole balance thing, too. My kids are 8, 5, and 1, with a new arrival expected in January. My oldest still requires a lot of supervision and hands-on education/training. I don't mind that, but it is draining. My 5 year old is somewhat jealous of one-on-one time with my oldest, so she will often be disruptive in some way to get attention during school. This has been less of an issue this year, now that she can participate more in what we are doing, but it was really bad last year (probably also partly because of the new baby).

Like many others have mentioned, school time is definitely quality time for us. We combine some subjects for the 8 and 5 year old, like history, geography, science, literature, Bible, and so forth, which includes lots of reading and discussion. Math, reading and grammar are more tailored, so I try to get the 5 year old interested in something else (activities at the table, outside play, help play with the baby, etc.) in the meantime. This is definitely good time with them; they love it and we (generally) have fun with it. I've found that a lot of the whining and other tiresome bad habits have been weeded out as we have slowly changed our school structure to be more Charlotte Mason inspired. Habit training (as described by CM) has helped tremendously.

So, we usually "do" school for a few hours each day. In the afternoon, while the baby is napping (I'm so thankful he is *finally* napping consistently!), I have 1-2 hours to get stuff done. Generally, about half of that time is me doing things alone. I have the older kids go outside to play, play in their room, or go read quietly, so I have quiet time to catch up on things. Just getting to clean up the kitchen, fold a load of laundry, walk on the treadmill, etc., alone is a luxury to me. My 5 year old especially loves to help in the kitchen, which is awesome and something I encourage, but sometimes I just need to recharge. Other times, I might spend that alone time on the computer, reading a book, taking a nap/resting, etc. Whatever I feel is most important for that day is what I try to focus on. Building this time in during the day is critical to me not being completely burned out by bed time.

Speaking of bed time, my husband works 2nd shift, so it is critical that I manage my time well during the day since I have no helper to take the pressure off at night. Sometimes, we will watch a movie while we eat dinner just so that I don't have to interact much and can chill. I know it isn't the best way to spend dinner time, but some days, it is necessary. Sometimes, I'm just all talked, touched, and socialized out by dinner time, especially on days when the baby didn't nap for very long or I didn't get a break in the afternoon.

I also encourage a lot of independence. This isn't to say that I don't want to be with my kids, but I also don't want them to feel they need to be constantly entertained. They are welcome to spend hours playing with their Legos, coming up with interesting stories and wars between their toys, and/or reading or other kind of play. I love it when they come tell me about what story they are creating, show me some new creature thing they built with Legos, or to read something to me that they really liked. Those kinds of interactions are awesome and less draining than if I were to try to sit down and play with them. I find reading to them, and listening to them read, to be enjoyable and not terribly draining.

Anyway, it's late and I'm rambling! I think the key is praying about it, experimenting, and be willing to think outside the box to find what will work for you. I've been trying to remember that perfect is the enemy of the good, so I'm trying not to put too much perfectionism on myself and just deal with where we are right now and how to meet the needs of everyone, including myself. On particularly rough days, my husband reminds me that it is okay to step back, reassess the real needs, and to redeem the day with something fun or enjoyable that resets the tone in the home. Sometimes that means we do things a bit differently, but feeling like it is okay to change things up a bit really helps.