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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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Before posting here, please read this sticky and keep guideline 23 in mind:

23. No posts harshly dissecting parenting moments of others since we desire to humbly cultivate a heart attitude of grace and not judgment towards other mamas. We all struggle at times as parents and have much to learn, and GCM's focus is to provide tools and information for each of us to parent more effectively. Posts voicing some frustration regarding choices made by others can be okay, but it needs to be within the overall context of seeking understanding or ideas for better responses in the future.

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Old 05-26-2012, 02:33 PM   #16
allisonintx
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

I actually explained apologies and making ammends to my 65yo mother, recently.

It was like she had been hit by a bludger out of the blue. She had never ever apologized for anything or had anyone in her family apologize to her. She didn't teach apologies. She taught "you get in trouble, then admit what you did wrong and then you must act as ashamed as possible, feel as ashamed as possible and don't do it again."

When I apologized to her, for hurting her feelings, she didn't even know what to say....she said, "What are you doing? What is this?" and I had to say, "This is what healthy people do when they accidentally or even intentionally hurt one another. They apologize for hurting the person, and they try to make ammends where they can." I've never seen her so confuzzled.
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Old 05-26-2012, 04:00 PM   #17
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

Quote:
Originally Posted by allisonintx View Post
I actually explained apologies and making ammends to my 65yo mother, recently.

It was like she had been hit by a bludger out of the blue. She had never ever apologized for anything or had anyone in her family apologize to her. She didn't teach apologies. She taught "you get in trouble, then admit what you did wrong and then you must act as ashamed as possible, feel as ashamed as possible and don't do it again."

When I apologized to her, for hurting her feelings, she didn't even know what to say....she said, "What are you doing? What is this?" and I had to say, "This is what healthy people do when they accidentally or even intentionally hurt one another. They apologize for hurting the person, and they try to make ammends where they can." I've never seen her so confuzzled.
Oh, how sad. I hope she can learn from it and find healing.
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Old 05-28-2012, 01:39 AM   #18
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

I am learning about making amends here on GCM <3
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Old 05-28-2012, 07:32 AM   #19
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

There were a lot of forced apologies in my house growing up. And a lot of both kids standing in the kitchen staring at the spatula in Mom's hand as she demanded to know who had hidden the banana under the guest bed two weeks ago that she just now found with her hand. Like any kid in their right mind is gonna confess with the instrument of pain being waved under their nose. We both stood there for fifteen-twenty minutes denying it, blaming the other one, or just silent, and eventually she'd decide which was the guilty one (99% of the time she figured it was me) and I'd get paddled, she said for lying about it, but it was a forgone conclusion from the beginning.

"If you just tell the truth, you won't be in trouble" has got to be one of the biggest lies she ever told, and she told it a lot.

Real making amends wasn't taught, I think because neither of my parents knew how. My dad was a "give her something expensive & flashy & she'll forgive you" type, my mom just let it drop when she figured you'd been punished enough. Over the last decade or so I've worked out on my own that "I'm sorry" isn't usually enough, and presents don't usually work either, you have to actually make the wrong thing right somehow.
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Last edited by MaryPoppinsIAin't; 05-28-2012 at 07:36 AM. Reason: clarify a point
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Old 06-01-2012, 10:04 AM   #20
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

What a great way to say it!
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Old 06-02-2012, 04:45 PM   #21
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReadingMommy View Post


---------- Post added at 02:03 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:58 PM ----------

Also, I like your point about kids not reading the parenting manuals! In my case though, my parents were pretty up front with their spanking philosophy. We always had discussion sessions about why they were doing it, complete with Bible verses to back it up. It was a good way to get us to toe the line...of course we couldn't argue with God's chosen way!
I got really scared away from spanking my children when once I was trying to do it "the right way" with all the Bible verses and stuff, and it caused this terrible reaction in my son (5 yrs ) . I had taken him in the bathroom at church and when I was speaking about the Bible and God, he was crying so hard, real big tears and shaking his head "No!" like he *didn't want to hear about God in the context of a pain/punishment*.

---------- Post added at 11:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:43 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by rjy9343 View Post
Bringing Scripture into it really messed with my head and gave me burdens that no child should ever shoulder. It is only in the last year that I realized just how wrong it is to quote scripture at a kid before you hit them.
This !!

Last edited by Rose5000; 06-02-2012 at 04:50 PM.
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Old 06-23-2012, 08:14 PM   #22
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

My dad did not begin spanking until after he became a Christian, that was when I was 7. the spankings my sister and I got and we would compare bruises to this day I have no recollection of why I was spanked...I just remember thinking how could my dad hurt me so much and leave these bruises? I also remember losing count of the swats. I also remember thinking "when is my mom going to come rescue me" and "why isn't mom stopping this hurt?" dad used a homemade paddle that I kept for years and when I completely decided to quit spanking in 2006 I threw it away. When he swung that paddle he put his whole arm in it.

Coming to this board is very emotional. But very educational.
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