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01-26-2010, 08:13 AM | #76 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 4,782
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Re: The Five Steps
aaronsrib and books with tea - you might want to post your questions directly into the Gentle Discipline forum because this thread is a bit old, so I'm not sure how many people will see your questions
You'll probably get more responses if you post your question as a thread in that forum
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~ judith blessed with a creative, encouraging man of God for my husband since October 2001 blessed with a delightful, creative little girl since February 2008 blessed with a sweet {but sometimes fierce} empathetic little girl since April 2010 word on the street is I am an ENFP For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. |
03-05-2010, 09:26 PM | #77 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,675
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Re: The Five Steps
The question that comes up for me is when it comes to helping, like cleaning up, for example. How do you not end up doing it all? There have been a number of times helping has become "Mama do it while the kids sit there slacking and Mama gets mad at getting taken advantage of." Help!
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03-05-2010, 10:21 PM | #78 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 79,607
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Re: The Five Steps
Quote:
As children get older (5 is a turning point in this ime) it's time to insist they do it. For most typically developing children this isn't a big deal. In fact, most children WANT to be social. I make sure to keep the idea that being able to do it without help is evidence you are growing up. Once a child knows that resistance is futile they are going to do it. And I do always do it for them as they age. Toddlers, sure. But not beyond that. I might do it WITH them--put this in that bucket, hand that over here so I can put it up, etc. Eventually, for cleaning their room for example, I can give them one step and then they check back in with me and I give them the next, etc. Eventually they don't need to come ask the steps and I might pop in at the end and point out the few things that still need doing and give a Any children that reaches 5 and still needs help frequently and for average things needs, imo, to be evaluated for special needs or have their diet considered. ETA: I also encourage older children, or even same aged siblings, to help one another. Once we have 5 children there is no reason for mommy to be doing everything Often we don't ask children to do nearly as much as they are capable of.
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03-07-2010, 05:48 PM | #79 |
Rose Blossom
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 196
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Re: The Five Steps
DS is 2 3/4yo. He is usually compliant....my biggest gripe is that he whines when asked to do something. He's had maybe 2 or 3 full-blown tantrums. The latest was in Cracker Barrel the other day. (Side note: How unfair that they make us walk right past the candy to get to the tables! UGH!!)
He was carrying around a dinosaur toy that I didn't want to buy. Before we looked at toys I let him know that we wouldn't be buying any that day. So when he showed me the dino toy, we ooh'd and ahh'd over it. Talked about how it would be fun and maybe we can get it someday, but 'remember we're not buying today....'. I asked him to put it back. I asked him again. I took it from him and returned it. He started crying. Dad grabbed his hand and headed for the door. DS fell to the ground, screaming. Dad picked him up and carried him to the car. DS refused to let Dad put him in the car seat, so I told Dad to just leave him alone for a minute. DS stood there crying and screaming like I've never seen him do before. It was a little scary for me to see him that intense. We sat for a minute and I went to put him in his seat. He still struggled, but I just kept speaking to him quietly...things like, "Yes, I know. You're so so sad. You wanted that dinosaur toy. Remember, Mom told you we weren't buying toys today. We'll come back sometime and look at it again." He cried for about 10 minutes on the way home. (Until we passed the school district's parking lot full of busses...cuz that's just super cool!) So here's my question in regards to the 5 steps: How close was I? Should I have bear hugged him in the store? I could see myself doing the bear hug and dealing with the problem there. I was pretty calm. Other times I might be aggravated and would definately flee as quickly as possible...but that day I was ok. Also: What do I do when at step 5, he doesn't get violent or tantrumy...but rather runs and hides behind the chair? (Such as when I ask him to clean up or put shoes on?) Please critique! What could I have done differently/better? Thanks so much!
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03-08-2010, 08:06 PM | #80 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,675
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Re: The Five Steps
Quote:
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12-22-2010, 06:14 AM | #81 |
Climbing Rose
silly crafty messy peaceful-ish me
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: OKC
Posts: 1,247
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Re: The Five Steps
The Five Steps sound great to me, except I can't imagine saying them. I don't want to flippantly reword them, because I know words can carry power in their meaning and I can tell that these have been well thought out. Here's how I'd naturally say them (my own DD is just 9 months but I have cared for many many children, including some who were put in my care specifically because of their behavior). Please help me see whether these wordings are equal, and if not, why. Thanks!
1: "I need you to clean up now. It is time to leave." 2: "Please stop playing and clean up." 3: "I see that you haven't cleaned up yet. Do you need me to help you?" 4: "You haven't cleaned up, and we need to go. Here, let me help you clean up."
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Wife to Baba, Mama to my spirited H (3yo DD) & snuggly E (1yo DS), Sister to Sarusabeth! empowering women out of poverty by selling their Fair Trade handcrafts with Trades of Hope! |
12-22-2010, 07:21 AM | #82 | |
Owner/Founder of GCM
Administrator Run with endurance the race that is set before you. . . Heb. 12:1
Join Date: Mar 2005
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Re: The Five Steps
I have a quick thought to share regarding this one. . .
Quote:
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12-22-2010, 07:46 AM | #83 |
Rose Garden
I stand before you, DeFrocked!!
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Qontinuum
Posts: 11,537
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Re: The Five Steps
really I am only starting to give Maximus more than 3 steps out of those five. Max is 4.5.
It's more like: 1- Maximus you need to do/stop yourself doing XYZ. 2- Maximus can you stop yourself or do you need help? 3- (as I am moving to help him) Mommy will help you do/stop XYZ. Now- if it's dangerous or goign to make a huge mess that he can't clean up you can bet it goes more like this- 'Maximus I am going to help you stop this.' (again AS I am at his side to help) 'It is dangerous/yucky.' With Minimus (who's 2)- "Minimus- get yourself down on the floor" "(as I am helping him down) Feet stay on floor- no feet on table!" The biggest shift for me in the five steps was expecting that they will from time to time (and sometimes often) fail to comply. Just like we fail to hit the target in our spiritual walks. Help is always available for us, so it should always be avaiable for our kiddos. Sothisislove- I think removing him from the store in lieu of an on the spot bear hug is fine. tHe whole point is to provide a boundary where their own boundaries have either failed or are not yet in place. After all thwe first thing I do when faced with a temtpting purchase, is leave the store. You're teaching fleeing from temptation- and that you will help him do that- get unstuck- as it were. I think you did fine.
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This is me- and them- ds 'Maximus'- 7.5 yrs, and ds 'Minimus'- 5 yrs. "A normal, imperfect, LUMPEN human being!!" Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. and yet, one day Love himself barged into the Temple with a bullwhip and declared enough was enough. I will testify to Love. |
12-26-2010, 12:11 AM | #84 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 79,607
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Re: The Five Steps
Quote:
You don't need them to clean up--if you do then the focus is on you instead of them learning what is their responsibility. The point of saying "you need to" is that it is their responsibility--their toys, their time, their teeth, etc. "Please" is, technically, a request and that means that, especially for literal children, saying this makes it optional. I can always tell when I've slipped into "please" with my young children because I have children who let me know, "No," they won't be stopping to do it I inform them that was my bad on the word choice and it isn't optional and follow with, "You need to X because this is your responsibility." Step 3 isn't really reworded And 4 isn't either--but that's a lot of words and at that point the amount of resistance it takes to get there usually means it's better with less words Also, for very young children or children who need to have parental authority (re)established I do step 1 and step 4 at the same time (or quickly following). by all means use whatever words you want with your child That just wouldn't be the 5 Steps ETA: the words feel awkward because they aren't how we normally speak . . . but they are the healthy way to speak. I have even found the first step works wonders on lots of people in my life who are crossing boundaries )
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12-28-2010, 05:19 AM | #85 | |
Climbing Rose
silly crafty messy peaceful-ish me
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: OKC
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Re: The Five Steps
Quote:
Thanks again
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~Lori Ann~
Wife to Baba, Mama to my spirited H (3yo DD) & snuggly E (1yo DS), Sister to Sarusabeth! empowering women out of poverty by selling their Fair Trade handcrafts with Trades of Hope! |
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05-05-2015, 05:31 PM | #86 |
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Re: The Five Steps
I am new here and haven't read through all of the questions/responses so please forgive me if these have already been asked/answered...
1. what ages would you say this would work with? 2. what if it is a situation that doesn't warrant 3 or 4 times of telling them to listen? is there a way to shorten it? 3. have you found that these steps teach children to eventually (as they mature and get older) listen the very first time? thanks for any insight you can give me |
05-05-2015, 06:14 PM | #87 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: The Pacific South-West. You know, north of the Pacific North-West
Posts: 12,922
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Re: The Five Steps
Hi JeanineF, welcome.
I'm not sure what age you're wanting to know *about*, exactly. With toddlers, for instance, you often combine step 1 and step 4--tell them AS you're physically redirecting them away from things. So, "Feet on the floor" WHILE you are moving the child off the table and on to the floor, that kind of thing. And yes, as they mature, they (mostly, if you're consistent) listen faster. I will say that depends on getting their attention *out* of the book they're reading first, though. |
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05-07-2015, 01:08 PM | #88 |
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Re: The Five Steps
Well, I have a 4 year old son in particular that is difficult. My 5 year old daughter can be fairly strong willed and challenging at times as well. My 7 and 9 year olds are much better though.
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09-28-2016, 08:38 AM | #89 |
Newly Planted
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 1
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Re: The Five Steps
Thank you so much for these steps...they were an answer to prayer as we moved toward gentle Biblical parenting...before we knew it existed! My question is wether or not you have a picture or diagram available of the Bear Hug. My three yr old will try to bite my arms and kick and slide out of this hold...then proceed to kick or hit me or my husband if we release him to allow him to just try to cool off without the hold. I'm not sure if we're doing it wrong. If not, what do you recommend we do. He is a very strong willed spirited boy...exceptionally loving and cuddly when happy with you...and physically hurtful and loud when he can't have what he wants. I will say that your first four steps have reduced the need for some type of restraint to stop him from hurting others...but when it happens...I am stuck. Thanks for any advice you can give.
Last edited by thequietwater; 09-28-2016 at 08:41 AM. |
10-26-2016, 12:33 PM | #90 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: The Pacific South-West. You know, north of the Pacific North-West
Posts: 12,922
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Re: The Five Steps
Bumping this up for you, I'm not sure I've seen a diagram of the bear hug.
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