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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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Before posting here, please read this sticky and keep guideline 23 in mind:

23. No posts harshly dissecting parenting moments of others since we desire to humbly cultivate a heart attitude of grace and not judgment towards other mamas. We all struggle at times as parents and have much to learn, and GCM's focus is to provide tools and information for each of us to parent more effectively. Posts voicing some frustration regarding choices made by others can be okay, but it needs to be within the overall context of seeking understanding or ideas for better responses in the future.

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Old 12-02-2005, 06:18 PM   #16
hsgbdmama
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tulip_Plus_3
It doesn't hurt????? Fine. Have her prove it. She should prove it and let you hit her to see how much it "doesn't hurt". If she won't let you hit her, then she's proven that it DOES hurt. If she flinches when you hit her, she's proven that it hurts. If there's a red mark on her hand after you hit, then she's proven that it hurts. And be sure to hit her as hard as the Pearl's say to hit. If she won't let you, then...
Make sure also to use a switch, if she uses one. If she refuses, ask her why -- her children must endure it, why can't she, and isn't that a double standard?
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Old 12-02-2005, 06:42 PM   #17
Mama Rophe
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

She does use a switch. She uses a 6" line from a weedwacker. I can't imagine how much this must hurt her dc.
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Old 12-02-2005, 06:49 PM   #18
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

I had to walk away from my other answer, the entire concept that using a switch on a kid AND IT DOESN'T HURT makes me so mad I can hardly bear it. My mom spanked me with a switch. It was a balloon stick. I'm telling you, it hurt terribly. Sometimes she'd hit me so hard it would cut my skin. Sometimes it would leave bruises. My little friends in grade school would tease me about the marks on my legs. If it hurt that badly on a fleshy part of my body (often through my clothing), imagine how much more it would hurt directly on a sensitive area like the hand???

I say if you're using something to hit a child (or anyone) and you can swing that object through the air and it makes a whistling noise or however you describe that noise - IT'S GOING TO HURT!!!!!!!! DUH!!! Anyone who says otherwise is lying, they're totally in denial and deluding themselves. Perhaps they've justified the truth (that it hurts) in some manner so they no longer accept the truth as reality, but that doesn't change the reality - hitting with a switch really hurts. I think the people who say you should never hit with your hand are issuing that order because they know that if they did hit with their hand, they'd feel the sting & pain of the blows, too. Don't give me any nonsense that a child will get confused if you hit with your hand one minute, then comfort them with your hands the next. That's ludicrous and an insult to the human intellect. A child is smart enough to know that the hands which are now comforting them were the hands that a minute before were wielding a stick (or belt, paddle, flyswatter, rod, plastic strip, whatever). KIDS AREN'T DUMB! I think if a parent is going to be smacking their child around, they should have the courage to use their hands to do the deed. Then they'd know exactly how hard they are hitting, and they'd be sure not to hit a child too hard because if they did, they (the parent) would get hurt too.

Of course, this idea didn't always work in my house. My father would often beat me with his hands, but I think he got a sense of, what, I don't know, I won't say enjoyment or fulfillment, but maybe a sense of emotional release out of it. One time he hit me so hard with his hand that he broke his wrist. That's too hard to be hitting a kid, don't you think?! And do you know what? I was supposed to feel guilty about it!!! It was my fault my dad broke his wrist because I was struggling to get away from him and put my legs up to protect myself. To this day my mom still tries to guilt me out about that incident. Of course I immediately throw back that no one should ever hit a child hard enough to break a bone, and then she shuts up...

I'm sorry to go off on a rant, but this whole "it doesn't hurt" bit makes me absolutely crazy. I can believe that a parent who spanks does so because they honestly believe they are doing what's best for their child. I don't agree with that notion, of course, but I believe that THEY believe it's what's best. However, I'll never sit quietly if someone starts down the road of "it doesn't hurt". That's nonsense. It's illogical.

Jodi, I so love this:

Quote:
1 Corinthians 4:21 -- What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?
THANK YOU!
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Old 12-02-2005, 07:00 PM   #19
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

I am so sorry that you had to go through this. It makes me I was spanked a lot as a kid. My dad usualy used his hand but he did tend to use his belt too. To this day I don't remember what I did wrong, I just remember how bad it hurt. I still have problems dealing with stress and frustration because I was never taught how to handle it correctly. The answer was always to hit.
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Old 12-02-2005, 07:00 PM   #20
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

I too hate hate hate the "it doesn't hurt" argument what a bunch of crap! As to what to do for me I'd just say truthfully I've read the pearls books I find them to be sick and abusive and ehats the last I want to hear about them.

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Old 12-02-2005, 07:31 PM   #21
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

well it just doesnt even make sense. what would be the whole point of spanking and whipping if it didnt hurt? you are right tulip, they are totally deluding themselves
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Old 12-02-2005, 08:12 PM   #22
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

Please realize that these parents *have* to believe that it doesn't hurt and is loving. Otherwise they are abusive people who are damaging their children.

No one wants to admit that...
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Old 12-02-2005, 09:36 PM   #23
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarynMunchkins
Please realize that these parents *have* to believe that it doesn't hurt and is loving. Otherwise they are abusive people who are damaging their children.

No one wants to admit that...
Well, I think *some* parents want to believe it doesn't hurt, but I wouldn't necessarily say this is true for the majority of spanking parents. I have heard so many people talk about how spankings that don't work aren't working because they aren't administered hard enough. You know, the whole line that if it isn't working, it must be because you aren't doing it hard enough or consistent enough. I think there is definitely a feeling among those who teach spanking that it needs to hurt in order to be effective. I've never heard or read that it isn't supposed to hurt. Just that it isn't supposed to leave marks.
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Old 12-02-2005, 09:39 PM   #24
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

Quote:
I've never heard or read that it isn't supposed to hurt. Just that it isn't supposed to leave marks
yeah, I have never heard that spanking isnt supposed to hurt isnt that the whole point?
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Old 12-03-2005, 07:14 AM   #25
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

Sorry to interrupt OT, but I wanted to remind everyone that this is a completely public forum...anyone on the web can read this thread.

I encourage those who have posted personal information (where you live, etc.) to consider editing it out of their posts and either take that part of the conversation to PM's or to start a new thread in the private forum (PM me if you're not sure where).

Remember, always better safe than sorry, especially on the Internet where we can't know who is lurking or what intentions others might have.
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Old 12-03-2005, 05:09 PM   #26
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

If that's love, I really don't want to see abuse...
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Old 12-03-2005, 05:17 PM   #27
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

It breaks my heart to think that people are actually confusing spanking with love. I truly believe it has to be a hardened heart that can strike and believe it's loving And the denial it would take to believe it doesn't hurt
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Old 12-05-2005, 10:16 AM   #28
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

I am new and I am going to chime in here.lol I followed the pearls for a long time. One of the things you have to realize is they do seem like a very loving family and there children did turn out like very loving christains. She feels she is spanking them because she loves them, because in her mind if she doesn't spank them they will be awful and become awful adults. She spanks them because she wants them to be good and to love her. The Pearls talk alot about if you do not set up boudries for your children they will hate you. She also is probley looking at you like you have 1 child and that child is still very young you will learn, I have done that. If you truley want her to change and minister to her, show with your exampe let your famiy show her that spanking your children is not the only anser to raising God loving children. We all have the same out come in common as parents, we want to raise resposible adults that Love the Lord, just some take a diffrent path. It maynot be the correct path but we don't know that. If you show her by just being there and letting her see how you treat your child and how your child responds it will do wonders. If you try to talk with her before she is ready you both will become very diffesive and get nowhere. Being a mother is one of toughest jobs we have, and failure is not a option to us, we pour our hearts and souls into the journey so it is only natural to be very diffensive on the issue. But if you are around and you show that your child is well behaved adn loving towards you and show how you handle situations, by acting them out on your children in front of her when the situation calls on itself, she will take notice.
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Old 12-05-2005, 01:15 PM   #29
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

I agree with you. I'm not the one who brought it up. She did. I was kind of obligated to say something after trying to change the subject so may times. I know that I probley didn't handle it correctly. I can't change what I said. I never condemmed her for her actions. I just told her that we do not spank our children.
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Old 12-06-2005, 06:45 AM   #30
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Default Re: Friend tried to tell me Pearl was a loving dicipline.

Ugh. How frustrating for you! I never know how to handle those situations. I'm doing searches in this forum, because I REALLY want people to know my position on the matter, but aren't really sure what to say!

For example, the other day at a place I volunteer (we're all Christians there) I was talking to the nurse about being frustrated with my DS. She was so kind in telling me that he's just acting his age, when the Fundraiser Coordinator came over. The nurse said, "Maybe you could give her some help with parenting." Then she said to me, "He has 5 kids and they are SO well behaved." He proceeded to tell me to go to nogreaterjoy.org. Yuck. I seriously felt like crying. When I saw his kids later that day, yes, they were well behaved, but they were so unemotional. It was amazing how people don't pick up on that...that kids who are "trained" using the Pearls have little to no emotion whatsoever. It's so sad.

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