Has Dobson ever said...

[MomtoJGJ]

Not to mention the fact that DH and I KNOW where our salvation stands.... we likely will not know at what exact point our children will have a saving faith (when/if they reach that age of accountability before God without choosing to follow him) So my goodness please DH let me go to my GOD and save our kids in order for THEM to have the choice to follow God.

This has bothered me all day....

[Wonder Woman]

Originally Posted by rjy9343

I have heard that the marital relationship is more important that than the children and never liked that, but have also heard that if my marriage suffers then my children will suffer because the marital relationship is the cornerstone of the family unit. That sort of makes sense as does the idea that DH and I will (presumably) be together long after the children leave so we should take time to nurture our relationship, but to do so to the point that we would not save our kids is just sick and twisted.

I think the underlying assumption that people have is that if the marital relationship is strong, that some of the children's needs will be back-burnered. Our marriage has never been stronger than those moments when I see my husband sacrificially giving to take care of our son - he could bring me roses and rub my back and hand-feed me strawberries and it wouldn't give me the warm fuzzies the way seeing him get up in the middle of the night and syringe feed our non-nursing newborn did
(Syringe feed, drop by drop by drop, while encouraging me to pump and helping me straighten out wires and holding me while I wailed in despair over our born-too-early son not nursing..and then get up and go to work the next day. He was horrified when someone suggested he sleep in another room - "I helped bring this child here, and she's going to work all day caring for him. What kind of selfish jerk would I have to be to make her do that all by herself!?!")

I guess I don't see why it has to be the marital relationship OR the children, you know? I know nobody here is arguing for that, but this line of thinking always makes me a little ragey

I mean, yes, God willing my husband and I will be living a long life together even after our son is grown and has his own place. But I'd have zero respect for him and no desire to be in relationship with him if he insisted on placing him and his needs on a pedestal above our son's very real needs

The Boy is almost 7.5, and certainly doesn't need the time consuming care he did as a newborn. He's old enough to be told "go grab a snack, Mom and Dad will be out in a little bit. We're, um, resting!" on the occasional Saturday morning But he's secure enough to take us at our word and know we'll be there for him because we cared for and met every one of his needs when he was an infant.

We still haven't been out on a 'date night' without him. I asked Dh the other day if it bothered him, and he went and then just laughed. I mean, we were married for over 6 years before we had The Boy. We've got, what - another 8.5 years before he's a legal adult? Time with him is precious, and fleeting, and we want to be with him as a family unit Plus, it's kind of sexy to flirt with my husband in ways that The Boy is too young to pick up on Our marriage is happy, and vibrant, and strong - and so is our relationship with our son

[krysmh]

We were married nearly 10 years before Isaiah came into our lives. We weren't huge on date nights before him. Why are they so necessary now? We've been on one or two, but I certainly don't think they're any more special than taking the boy along with us. More quiet, perhaps.

[rjy9343]

Originally Posted by Wonder Woman

I think the underlying assumption that people have is that if the marital relationship is strong, that some of the children's needs will be back-burnered. Our marriage has never been stronger than those moments when I see my husband sacrificially giving to take care of our son - he could bring me roses and rub my back and hand-feed me strawberries and it wouldn't give me the warm fuzzies the way seeing him get up in the middle of the night and syringe feed our non-nursing newborn did
(Syringe feed, drop by drop by drop, while encouraging me to pump and helping me straighten out wires and holding me while I wailed in despair over our born-too-early son not nursing..and then get up and go to work the next day. He was horrified when someone suggested he sleep in another room - "I helped bring this child here, and she's going to work all day caring for him. What kind of selfish jerk would I have to be to make her do that all by herself!?!")

I guess I don't see why it has to be the marital relationship OR the children, you know? I know nobody here is arguing for that, but this line of thinking always makes me a little ragey

I mean, yes, God willing my husband and I will be living a long life together even after our son is grown and has his own place. But I'd have zero respect for him and no desire to be in relationship with him if he insisted on placing him and his needs on a pedestal above our son's very real needs

The Boy is almost 7.5, and certainly doesn't need the time consuming care he did as a newborn. He's old enough to be told "go grab a snack, Mom and Dad will be out in a little bit. We're, um, resting!" on the occasional Saturday morning But he's secure enough to take us at our word and know we'll be there for him because we cared for and met every one of his needs when he was an infant.

We still haven't been out on a 'date night' without him. I asked Dh the other day if it bothered him, and he went and then just laughed. I mean, we were married for over 6 years before we had The Boy. We've got, what - another 8.5 years before he's a legal adult? Time with him is precious, and fleeting, and we want to be with him as a family unit Plus, it's kind of sexy to flirt with my husband in ways that The Boy is too young to pick up on Our marriage is happy, and vibrant, and strong - and so is our relationship with our son

Sounds like he has a great heart and is willing and able to put others above himself. Sounds like the kind of parent I want to be. You married a keeper. I think you misunderstood me. I wasn't arguing that the marital relationship is the most important relationship in the family unit. Only that if it is suffering, then other areas of the family suffer. I was told this by two psychologists at a marriage seminar. I don't know if they were Christians or not, but their materials were all secular. The information wasn't emphasized, just mentioned as a reason to maintain your marriage. I don't think that date nights or leaving the kids was mentioned, how we got time to connect was up to us. I wonder if that tidbit was discovered, then twisted into the kids are replaceable bit we are hearing now. But I agree, why do I need to chose one over the other? DH can is self sufficient and does not need me like our daughter does. But that will change one day and I don't want to regret the things I did or did not do with or to her in the name of saving my marriage. My daughter is teething and busy, so I don't always finish my thoughts.

[Wonder Woman]

no no - I wasn't saying you were arguing for that - more using it as a springboard to discuss more behind that philosophy I know you didn't mean that/believe that - or you wouldn't be here at GCM

[rjy9343]

Originally Posted by Wonder Woman

no no - I wasn't saying you were arguing for that - more using it as a springboard to discuss more behind that philosophy I know you didn't mean that/believe that - or you wouldn't be here at GCM

Good. I was a little worried that maybe I was not as clear as I thought.

[Wonder Woman]

you were, apparently I wasn't

[deena]

if [the marriage] is suffering, then other areas of the family suffer. I was told this by two psychologists... I wonder if that tidbit was discovered, then twisted into the kids are replaceable bit we are hearing now.

I could totally see something like that being twisted to support a Dobson theory.

[solatido]

DH was just listening to someone talk about this last night!!! Some guy named Paul Washer. I told him then I'd have a HUGE problem if he saved me and not DS.

He's listening to a lot of random things right now, though- he is very AP, so no knocking my DH please

[rjy9343]

Originally Posted by solatido

DH was just listening to someone talk about this last night!!! Some guy named Paul Washer. I told him then I'd have a HUGE problem if he saved me and not DS.

He's listening to a lot of random things right now, though- he is very AP, so no knocking my DH please

I think it is great that he is listening to other views, that keeps him from being in an echo chamber and makes him think about what he believes. As long as he is not bringing the garbage into your lives, keep learning from odd sources.

I think in order to really know what was meant we would not just have to look at the words but also the context in which the words were meant. I have read where he spoke about going on a date night once a week and it was a suggestion, take it or leave it just like in ANY parenting book we are not going to agree 100 percent on EVERYTHING kwim? I never have done exactly what he suggested but I also do not think going on a date is wrong. I believe that being a wife and mother is the highest calling. If we do not nurture our marriages they will suffer which will have a chain affect. Now about spouses being more important then kids, again what was the context....was he referring to the marriage triangle with God first, our spouse second, and kids next? If so this is scripturally based. It does not mean that you lay a starving baby to the side because hubby wants his feet rubbed. We are called to submit to our husbands though.

[Learnin'2B]

Originally Posted by breezy88

I just heard this the other day on Focus on the Family on the radio. The speaker was saying that parents should love each other more than their kids!
Now...Julie Slatery...the new FotF host did not like the way he phrased it but she did agree that the parental relationship had to take priority over our relationship with our children.

I personally think that FotF has a lot of good resources....but I find I need to be very discerning.

Well, I'll be quite honest....in order for me to be a good mother, I MUST NOT focus on the relationship between me and my husband.

My mothering is separate, and IMHO, more important.

....don't know how that fits on the myth busting blog, but there it is.

[Hermana Linda]

Originally Posted by ProudHooahWife

....was he referring to the marriage triangle with God first, our spouse second, and kids next? If so this is scripturally based.

I'm wondering which verse this is based on.

[Housekat]

Just a slightly different angle from across the pond (we don't get any Dobson here...).

The whole thing about making sure your marriage is strong is something that is taught here a lot too - both in secular and in Christian circles. However, it doesn't have the icky by products that you have been talking about so far in this thread. The underlying assumption is simply that a strong marriage facilitates strong parenting and therefore healthy kids.

As for 'presenting a united front' - that might have been twisted as well. I remember well going to my mum to 'try again' when I got a 'no' about something from my dad and vice versa. If they hadn't been parenting from the same place (united front), imagine how confusing it would have been for me. Mum says 'no' but dad might always say 'yes'. That doesn't just undermine the other person, it confuses the child and creates real boundary issues.

However, I agree that the expression 'united front' sounds very adversarial

[CelticJourney]

was he referring to the marriage triangle with God first, our spouse second, and kids next? If so this is scripturally based.

Agreeing with HL, if it is scripturally based, please list the scripture. I have seen lots of scripture of mutual submission and sacrifical love, but never on relational hierarchy.