Has Dobson ever said...

[Tasmanian Saint]

the parent relationship is more important than the kids? (Or not to let the kids interfere with the parents' relationship)?

My next myth-buster on Dare to Disciple is going to be this issue, and since it's supposed to be a Dobson-examining site, I thought I'd see if this was a 'thing' of his. I know the Ezzos say it because a GKGW acquaintance of mine brought it up once, but it's a fairly common thing around churches so I wondered if Dobson says it, too. I had a little look around the FOTF website and couldn't see any sign of it...

TIA

[ThreeKids]

I haven't heard it from Dobson or any Dobsonites back in the day, but I can see how the same group of people today would easily latch onto such a statement. There are a huge number of kids growing up in single parent homes today.

It's fine to tackle and will show your fairness toward Dobson if you recognize it as not "his".

[Cook]

Hmm.... I'm not sure. All his books are now packed away in my basement somewhere. I was trying to find it on the focus on the family website?

I want to say that he makes a point in the strong willed child about how children will purposely drive a wedge between parents. I'll keep looking though!

[Mother of Sons]

I'm pretty sure he does.

[ThreeKids]

Originally Posted by Cook

about how children will purposely drive a wedge between parents.

I do know some Dobsonites who were vaguely aware of the need to communicate carefully as a kid might be strategically going to one or the other for permission. Not aware enough! In practice, there was no getting around (or pressing need to) the fact that kids are going to do what works and if that means asking mom first, who was too busy talking to someone to say anything other than "ask your dad", then telling dad, "Mom said it was okay if it was okay with you." Then that's what happened.

Nah, I'm going to say this concept, if it was mentioned at all, was not central at all. Don't mistake a mention for a central philosophy. There are hundreds of hours of FOTF radio programming, a gajillion pamphlets and workbooks. The scenario I described would easily get on the Dobsonite, "don't let them pull one over on you" radar if that concept were in play.

If it were ever in play in Dobson circles, it would have to be much more recent than my childhood and I doubt it originated with Dobson. It would probably be Ezzoites inhabiting similar circles as Dobsonites.

[BarefootBetsy]

I'm almost positive that he does, but I don't have any of his books so I can't check them... I think it would still be great to do a post on because even if he doesn't say it blatantly, it's definitely implied, IMO. Also since it's so pervasive an idea within the Christian parenting community in general (at least, in my experience, it is).

[KSL]

I'm not sure if Dobson says it or not, but I would LOVE to see a discussion of the topic bc I agree with PP that it is SUPER prevalent in American evangelicalism....(my DH is Haitian and from an evangelical family, and I've never heard of any of my Haitian in-laws saying anything like this at all- in fact, I think the way they see kids is a bit more utilitarian, as in we need to do everything possible as a couple to make sure our children get a good education because we know they'll take care of us/their siblings/the extended family when they're older. They love their kids too, of off course, a lot, I'm not trying to imply they don't. But i did roll my eyes and giggle a bit at my husband our first night in the hospital when he said, all emotionally to our sleeping son in his arms, "man, I'm so glad you're here. You're going to bury me." as in my husband could relax now bc he had a son who would see him through to his death and make sure he had a proper burial- a big deal in Haiti.)

[Peridot]

I swiped all the Dobson books from the newly disbanded church ;ibrary- they're in my car. In a few minutes, I will lay Minimus down and go look.

BBL

WHere are you writing these myth busters? Is it on a blog or elsewhere? I'd love to read this one and any others you've written.

[Peridot]

She is writing Here.

[amyhntr2]

I am almost 100% he has talked about this and stated this point of view. I remember in one of the youth group meetings I attended we were listening to some of his stuff. It may have been a video or an audio message. I really can't remember.
But here is what I remember distinctly, because this mindset stuck with me for a long long time.
He gave the example of being in a life or death situation. (it was either hanging from a cliff, or else they were in the middle of the ocean-can't remember which) Basically Dobson said if his wife and his child (don't know what age child he was referring to at this point) were both about to face certain death and he could only save one of them he would absolutely, no questions asked, save his wife. and that it was extremely important that his son understood this concept, and knew ahead of time that if anything like this ever happened, he would choose his wife. His son had to know that his loyalty laid with his wife and that nothing could ever come above that.

at the time I really looked up to my youth leaders and just felt that they had the most wisdom so I believed this mindset. I don't know why this particular anecdote stuck with me so hard, but it was to the point that years later, early in my marriage (before kids) I asked dh what he would do in that life or death situation. when he didn't say he would automatically choose me, i was really offended and thought that it was an area we would have to really work through-to make sure no one ever came "in between" us. Thank goodness I've had a LOT of mindset changes since then.

I wish I had more concrete quotes or something for you, but i do know it was dobson that said this.

eta I should clarify this was probably in like 1998 and I'm sure whatever materials we had were already a few years older than that at least

[Peridot]

AMy that was what I was thinking of, but I didn't realise my parents had heard it there. It HAD to have come from Dobson, becuase to my knowlege that is the only parenting guru my parents ever read.


My Dad gave us that speech almost verbatim one time when we were kids. I felt very sad when he told us that, but I squashed it, because of course my daddy had to be right, ykwim?

Now- I'd save my kids. And I'd expect DH to save our kids too. THey are small and less capable- I'm an adult for pete's sake. I am fully capable- and I can do some rescueing too.

[ThreeKids]

I actually do agree with the idea that, if the relationship between husband and wife were suffering, the relationship with the kids would follow. I don't believe a suffering relationship with a child would have as assured a result in the marriage relationship.

However, I don't believe life forces us to choose so it's a moot point.

I find that, if a relationship is suffering and it's within my control whether it suffers or not, probably a lot of relationships are suffering because I need to work on me. The philosophy that says we'd have to choose one or the other is a sound bite, not wisdom born of experience.

[BarefootBetsy]

Originally Posted by peridot

AMy that was what I was thinking of, but I didn't realise my parents had heard it there. It HAD to have come from Dobson, becuase to my knowlege that is the only parenting guru my parents ever read.


My Dad gave us that speech almost verbatim one time when we were kids. I felt very sad when he told us that, but I squashed it, because of course my daddy had to be right, ykwim?

Now- I'd save my kids. And I'd expect DH to save our kids too. THey are small and less capable- I'm an adult for pete's sake. I am fully capable- and I can do some rescueing too.

Yep - my parents told me the same thing with the exact same scenario and the only "guru" they followed was Dobson. And I could've written the rest of your post too

[deena]

yup. Joyanne is right that he gives that date night advice...

This is something I wrote about the subject previously...

I disagree with the common Christian belief that the "marriage relationship" is above all others in the family. For instance it is sometime said that new parents should go out on a date every week as a way to put their marriage first. This seems ridiculous to me, that you have to leave your newborn child to get alone time with your mate to maintain a healthy marriage. The truth is that a family is an ever morphing group of loved ones. Everyone is always a different age, no one is ever in the same phase of life for very long. Sometimes one of the family requires more energy than the others. Sometimes the marriage is the focus of the family and sometimes it is the sick child or the newborn baby or dying elder. As long as your love for each other remains healthy and strong I don't see one relationship taking precedent over the others in a family.

A similar misguided belief is to "present a united front" to the children. This is usually in reference to discipline. I disagree with this philosophy vehemently because it's important to step in when a spouse over-reacts. Lets face it, we all lose our temper and over-react sometimes. And in the case of a person who is borderline- or fully abusive, it's, obviously, important for the spouse to stand up to that. The "united front" message cab be easily manipulated by the harsher parent to force the other to back down. Naturally you don't want to disagree in front of the children but it is going to happen. And if something is unfair, I won't wait to bring it up. We're a family. We'll talk it through right then and there.