Do I bite my tongue?

tnaallen · 08-20-2010, 08:37 PM

We have a cousin who is a young new mother (had her baby at 19), and just posted on Facebook that she was given "To Train Up A Child" and that she seems to like it. Her son is only 9 months old and the only thing she really mentioned was that she was implimenting new parenting techniques via this books, and her som doesn't like it, however it's effective and he's doing great.

Several people wrote that it was good it wa working and she found a good resource. I couldn't help myself and wrote this:

The Pearls are scary people. Their book has played a part in more than one case of child abuse. I'd check out some people who don't have falsified credentials. Dr. Sears Discipline book, Playful Parenting, Grace Based parenting, etc... Just my 2 cents...

To which she responded this:

Well, there is an entire chapter in there about the differences of disciplining and abusing, and I felt like biblically it was correct, but thank you for the recommendation.

Considering there was some family drama last year due to her (which has now been resloved since she apologized to the entire family), I hesitate saying anything that can seem defensive or argumentative.

Do I just bite my togue at this point?

malakoa · 08-20-2010, 08:39 PM

Pray a lot. A whole lot. (I'm sure you already are.) Then pray God will send soldiers to the battle field to tell her the truth about THAT MAN. Pray she will be open to what is best for her baby and her way, not his way. (Or your way, either) If you're given a chance to talk to her again, please do. We will pray and know he has answered those prayers

Mokek Kwe · 08-20-2010, 10:05 PM

You said what you could, and at this point, there are two things you can do-- allow her free will and assign positive intent (she cares enough about her child to read and study and try to do what she feels is Biblically correct, even if it is a very.... questionable *ahem* book, at best)... and pray... pray hard. That her relationship with her child won't be tossed to the wayside over the new things she's implementing...

ronioli · 08-20-2010, 10:18 PM

She doesn't sound receptive to hearing more. I would not respond argumentatively as she would likely get defensive. Instead, I would probably write back just to say, "I do not agree. Let me know if you want to hear about alternatives. I know a lot of great resources created by more reputable people. Praying for you!" And then really pray!

Cherish · 08-21-2010, 12:17 AM

I would respond that you know she's a wonderful mom and would never abuse her child, but the really scary thing is how some babies have had to be hospitalized and harmed by failing to thrive on their unnatural schedule system. Just ask her to keep a close watch for the signs of failure to thrive and list them...

ArmsOfLove · 08-21-2010, 12:24 AM

"his theology is really questionable--he's a semi Pelagian which gets him quite a bit of criticism. But, hey, if you are comfortable with his theology then you're the one parenting so that's what counts

Though you might want to do some searching online about the children who have died from his methods. I'd hate for you to not be fully informed about this guy."

---------- Post added at 11:24 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:21 PM ----------

of course I tend to be pretty direct so ymmv

Zooey · 08-21-2010, 02:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

"his theology is really questionable--he's a semi Pelagian which gets him quite a bit of criticism. But, hey, if you are comfortable with his theology then you're the one parenting so that's what counts

Though you might want to do some searching online about the children who have died from his methods. I'd hate for you to not be fully informed about this guy."

---------- Post added at 11:24 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:21 PM ----------

of course I tend to be pretty direct so ymmv

What Crystal said.

JessicaNichole · 08-21-2010, 04:46 AM

you never bite your tounge. Even if your cousin wont listen, you dont know who could be reading her wall and might see what you say and investigate. So you are not ONLY talking to your cousin but also to anyone else who might read what you wrote.

and i also think what Crystal said is perfect

Katigre · 08-21-2010, 06:44 AM

I would not respond further - it is her FB page, not yours, and you've already made your position clear and articulated. If you keep responding/arguing with her she'll feel like she has to respond back each time and it will escalate into further defensiveness and broken communication.

Llee · 08-21-2010, 07:38 AM

I have to agree with Katie and JessicaNichole for this one. The info may not be heard by her, but it will be heard by someone. I don't engage with someone in a debate, unless it's a close friend. That means that we can talk to each other IRL about what we're debating. I provide the necessary info and move on. Sometimes I block them for a bit, because I don't want to know what they're doing.

But for me, on FB, I'm not called to be providing anti-materials all the time. There are times when I know that is what I need to post to someone, so I do. Usually PM though. But if they read what I've posted, they know what I feel about well, almost all parenting things.

tnaallen · 08-21-2010, 07:42 AM

Well, I wrote back what Crytal wrote (thank you Crystal!) with a little added lightheartedness about children not fitting into one parenting mold anyways, since they are all so different. We dialogued a little and she basically said that wasn't the only book she is reading and that she tends to pick and chose the parts she likes. That's better, I'd say!

And at least I raised a flag to the Pearls if she was leaning towards "picking and choosing" from that book more than others.

What Jessica said is so true too. I never thoguht about what the other people may be doing or reading who could benefit from the conversation. (Thanks Jessica!)

Thank you all for your input and advice!

MarynMunchkins · 08-21-2010, 07:44 AM

Speaking as someone who was a mom at 19, 19 yo's still tend to think they know everything and are often VERY defensive of people who may accuse them of parenting badly. I would think going further will undermine your point entirely.

If you live close to her, I think spending time would be far more effective. If you live further away, I would post about your own GBD successes.

And, definitely pray.

Mother of Sons · 08-21-2010, 07:51 AM

I see you replied already but I think I would have said "I know you are a great mom and it's awesome that you are doing your research, I just know I was shocked by some of the information about him I saw online and I knew you would want to know. So how many teeth does he have? now?"

I'm glad it's all worked out ok.

AnotherNamedKate · 08-21-2010, 12:12 PM

What I would do is buy her a Dr. Sears book, or whatever, as a gift and then add a note saying something like "It's always best to have two perspectives. This one has really helped me, so I thought you might like to try it out."

ctab · 08-21-2010, 06:51 PM

I would buy her a couple of the books you suggested, and send them to her with a thinking of you note. I wouldn't mention that you bought them because of what she said on FB, but just that you were thinking of her and you thought she would love some great books. She may put them aside for now, but you never know when a hard day will come and God will use the books you sent to soften her heart.

08-20-2010, 08:37 PM	#1
tnaallen Rose Garden Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 4,775	Do I bite my tongue? We have a cousin who is a young new mother (had her baby at 19), and just posted on Facebook that she was given "To Train Up A Child" and that she seems to like it. Her son is only 9 months old and the only thing she really mentioned was that she was implimenting new parenting techniques via this books, and her som doesn't like it, however it's effective and he's doing great. Several people wrote that it was good it wa working and she found a good resource. I couldn't help myself and wrote this: The Pearls are scary people. Their book has played a part in more than one case of child abuse. I'd check out some people who don't have falsified credentials. Dr. Sears Discipline book, Playful Parenting, Grace Based parenting, etc... Just my 2 cents... To which she responded this: Well, there is an entire chapter in there about the differences of disciplining and abusing, and I felt like biblically it was correct, but thank you for the recommendation. Considering there was some family drama last year due to her (which has now been resloved since she apologized to the entire family), I hesitate saying anything that can seem defensive or argumentative. Do I just bite my togue at this point? __________________ Amy Life Partner to Mom to 1/2004, 7/2006, Baby boy 6/16/08-6/20/08, 4/2010, 2/2014

08-20-2010, 08:39 PM	#2
malakoa Rose Garden Fearless Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 6,845	Re: Do I bite my tongue? Pray a lot. A whole lot. (I'm sure you already are.) Then pray God will send soldiers to the battle field to tell her the truth about THAT MAN. Pray she will be open to what is best for her baby and her way, not his way. (Or your way, either) If you're given a chance to talk to her again, please do. We will pray and know he has answered those prayers __________________ Mama of one Size Small Baby Girl, born August 2004. and one in heaven EDD December 2003.

08-20-2010, 10:05 PM	#3
Mokek Kwe Deactivated Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 4,910	Re: Do I bite my tongue? You said what you could, and at this point, there are two things you can do-- allow her free will and assign positive intent (she cares enough about her child to read and study and try to do what she feels is Biblically correct, even if it is a very.... questionable ahem book, at best)... and pray... pray hard. That her relationship with her child won't be tossed to the wayside over the new things she's implementing...

08-20-2010, 10:18 PM	#4
ronioli Climbing Rose Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 1,239	Re: Do I bite my tongue? She doesn't sound receptive to hearing more. I would not respond argumentatively as she would likely get defensive. Instead, I would probably write back just to say, "I do not agree. Let me know if you want to hear about alternatives. I know a lot of great resources created by more reputable people. Praying for you!" And then really pray! __________________ Mommy to my masala baby (born August 2004) and a long-awaited blessing (a preemie born October 2012)

08-21-2010, 12:17 AM	#5
Cherish Rose Trellis Words are Worlds Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 2,221	Re: Do I bite my tongue? I would respond that you know she's a wonderful mom and would never abuse her child, but the really scary thing is how some babies have had to be hospitalized and harmed by failing to thrive on their unnatural schedule system. Just ask her to keep a close watch for the signs of failure to thrive and list them...

08-21-2010, 12:24 AM	#6
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: Do I bite my tongue? "his theology is really questionable--he's a semi Pelagian which gets him quite a bit of criticism. But, hey, if you are comfortable with his theology then you're the one parenting so that's what counts Though you might want to do some searching online about the children who have died from his methods. I'd hate for you to not be fully informed about this guy." ---------- Post added at 11:24 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:21 PM ---------- of course I tend to be pretty direct so ymmv __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

08-21-2010, 04:46 AM	#8
JessicaNichole Rose Trellis Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: wandering, but not lost Posts: 1,610	Re: Do I bite my tongue? you never bite your tounge. Even if your cousin wont listen, you dont know who could be reading her wall and might see what you say and investigate. So you are not ONLY talking to your cousin but also to anyone else who might read what you wrote. and i also think what Crystal said is perfect __________________ wife to my high school sweetheart Mommy of 5 ( dd12, ds10, dd8, ds5, ds3 ) and expecting a new babe late summer 2015

08-21-2010, 06:44 AM	#9
Katigre Rose Garden Why thank you, it is naturally blue... Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 21,278	Re: Do I bite my tongue? I would not respond further - it is her FB page, not yours, and you've already made your position clear and articulated. If you keep responding/arguing with her she'll feel like she has to respond back each time and it will escalate into further defensiveness and broken communication. Last edited by Katigre; 08-21-2010 at 06:47 AM.

08-21-2010, 07:38 AM	#10
Llee Moderator Dancing stands with all seahorses who are journeying to freedom Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 19,197	Re: Do I bite my tongue? I have to agree with Katie and JessicaNichole for this one. The info may not be heard by her, but it will be heard by someone. I don't engage with someone in a debate, unless it's a close friend. That means that we can talk to each other IRL about what we're debating. I provide the necessary info and move on. Sometimes I block them for a bit, because I don't want to know what they're doing. But for me, on FB, I'm not called to be providing anti-materials all the time. There are times when I know that is what I need to post to someone, so I do. Usually PM though. But if they read what I've posted, they know what I feel about well, almost all parenting things. __________________ It's me, dh, Dressy Bessy (Sept 08) and Dancing Daisy (May 10) Lead the children to see in every pleasant and beautiful thing an expression of God's love for them. Recommend your religion to them by its pleasantness. Let the law of kindness be in your lips. ~Ellen G. White

08-21-2010, 07:42 AM	#11
tnaallen Rose Garden Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 4,775	Re: Do I bite my tongue? Well, I wrote back what Crytal wrote (thank you Crystal!) with a little added lightheartedness about children not fitting into one parenting mold anyways, since they are all so different. We dialogued a little and she basically said that wasn't the only book she is reading and that she tends to pick and chose the parts she likes. That's better, I'd say! And at least I raised a flag to the Pearls if she was leaning towards "picking and choosing" from that book more than others. What Jessica said is so true too. I never thoguht about what the other people may be doing or reading who could benefit from the conversation. (Thanks Jessica!) Thank you all for your input and advice! __________________ Amy Life Partner to Mom to 1/2004, 7/2006, Baby boy 6/16/08-6/20/08, 4/2010, 2/2014

08-21-2010, 07:44 AM	#12
MarynMunchkins Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 38,127	Re: Do I bite my tongue? Speaking as someone who was a mom at 19, 19 yo's still tend to think they know everything and are often VERY defensive of people who may accuse them of parenting badly. I would think going further will undermine your point entirely. If you live close to her, I think spending time would be far more effective. If you live further away, I would post about your own GBD successes. And, definitely pray.

08-21-2010, 07:51 AM	#13
Mother of Sons Rose Garden My kid shoots laser beams from his hands Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 21,900	Re: Do I bite my tongue? I see you replied already but I think I would have said "I know you are a great mom and it's awesome that you are doing your research, I just know I was shocked by some of the information about him I saw online and I knew you would want to know. So how many teeth does he have? now?" I'm glad it's all worked out ok.

08-21-2010, 12:12 PM	#14
AnotherNamedKate Climbing Rose Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 1,497	Re: Do I bite my tongue? What I would do is buy her a Dr. Sears book, or whatever, as a gift and then add a note saying something like "It's always best to have two perspectives. This one has really helped me, so I thought you might like to try it out." __________________ Mom to Lucas Oliver born April 7th 2011 ENTJ

08-21-2010, 06:51 PM	#15
ctab Rose Bouquet Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 784	Re: Do I bite my tongue? I would buy her a couple of the books you suggested, and send them to her with a thinking of you note. I wouldn't mention that you bought them because of what she said on FB, but just that you were thinking of her and you thought she would love some great books. She may put them aside for now, but you never know when a hard day will come and God will use the books you sent to soften her heart.

X vBulletin 3.8.3 Debug Information
Page Generation 0.23043 seconds Memory Usage 8,129KB Queries Executed 16 (?)
More Information
Template Usage: (1)SHOWTHREAD (1)ad_footer_end (1)ad_footer_start (1)ad_header_end (1)ad_header_logo (1)ad_navbar_below (1)ad_showthread_beforeqr (1)ad_showthread_firstpost (1)ad_showthread_firstpost_sig (1)ad_showthread_firstpost_start (1)bbcode_quote (1)cyb_flashimagebanners (1)footer (1)forumjump (1)forumrules (1)gobutton (1)header (1)headinclude (1)navbar (3)navbar_link (60)option (1)pagenav (1)pagenav_curpage (1)pagenav_pagelink (15)post_groan_box (5)post_groan_box_bit (1)post_groan_javascript (1)post_groan_navbar_search (2)post_groan_postbit_legacy (15)post_thanks_box (22)post_thanks_box_bit (1)post_thanks_javascript (1)post_thanks_navbar_search (7)post_thanks_postbit_legacy (15)postbit_legacy (15)postbit_onlinestatus (149)postbit_reputation (15)postbit_wrapper (4)showthread_bookmarksite (1)smqre_editor_button (1)spacer_close (1)spacer_open (1)tagbit_wrapper Phrase Groups Available: global inlinemod postbit posting reputationlevel showthread	Included Files: ./showthread.php ./global.php ./includes/init.php ./includes/class_core.php ./includes/config.php ./includes/functions.php ./includes/class_hook.php ./includes/functions_notice.php ./mobiquo/smartbanner.php ./mobiquo/include/classTTConnection.php ./mobiquo/smartbanner/head.inc.php ./includes/functions_bigthree.php ./includes/class_postbit.php ./includes/class_bbcode.php ./includes/functions_reputation.php ./includes/adminfunctions_template.php ./includes/functions_misc.php ./includes/functions_post_thanks.php ./includes/functions_post_groan.php Hooks Called: init_startup cache_permissions fetch_threadinfo_query fetch_threadinfo fetch_foruminfo style_fetch cache_templates global_start parse_templates fetch_musername notices_check_start global_setup_complete showthread_start template_groups template_safe_functions template_compile showthread_getinfo forumjump showthread_post_start showthread_query_postids showthread_query bbcode_fetch_tags bbcode_create showthread_postbit_create postbit_factory postbit_display_start post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_start post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_end post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_start post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_end post_thanks_function_thanked_already_start post_thanks_function_thanked_already_end post_groan_function_post_groan_off_start post_groan_function_post_groan_off_end post_groan_function_fetch_groans_start post_groan_function_fetch_groans_end post_groan_function_groaned_already_start post_groan_function_groaned_already_end post_groan_function_fetch_groan_bit_start post_groan_function_show_groan_date_start post_groan_function_fetch_groan_bit_end post_groan_function_fetch_post_groan_template_start post_groan_function_fetch_post_groan_template_end reputation_image bbcode_parse_start postbit_imicons bbcode_parse_complete_precache bbcode_parse_complete postbit_display_complete error_fetch post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_bit_start post_thanks_function_show_thanks_date_start post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_bit_end post_thanks_function_fetch_post_thanks_template_start post_thanks_function_fetch_post_thanks_template_end pagenav_page pagenav_complete tag_fetchbit_complete forumrules showthread_bookmarkbit navbits navbits_complete showthread_complete
Messages: