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10-21-2018, 11:15 PM | #16 |
Rose Garden
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
Posts: 52,860
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Re: refusing to do chores
Don't be afraid to let him experience the consequences. I may be reading more into your post but, from the sound of it, it seems like your question is, "how can I get him to pick up his toys so he won't miss the party and won't lose his toys?" The answer may be that that's exactly what needs to happen.
If you've set him up for success and you're certain you're not asking more than he can manage, then yes, he misses the party. Yes, his toys go in to a donation bag and get dropped off. That's okay. If he doesn't care, then he has too many toys (most kids do, including mine). I do let friends be disappointed if that's what needs to happen. We've been on the other end of that and I am understanding. "We can't meet you today after all, my kids won't do their chores so we have to stay home until they're done and we've past the point where we can leave and still make it." |
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10-22-2018, 01:16 PM | #17 | ||
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,313
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Re: refusing to do chores
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---------- Post added at 04:16 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:10 PM ---------- Quote:
Up to now, we've always given multiple chances, but I'm thinking he needs to have fewer chances because he doesn't believe there will be consequences. |
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10-22-2018, 02:00 PM | #18 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 26,473
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Re: refusing to do chores
Wow! That just sounds like an awfully long list for a 6 yr old to take responsibility for and do on his own w/o lots of handholding and prompting and redirecting and reminding. I had to do a lot of that with much older kids at times. Even have to ask and remind the young and not so young adults in our houehold at times
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10-22-2018, 02:14 PM | #19 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 27,361
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Re: refusing to do chores
I think it sounds reasonable. It is mostly his stuff. He might need a picture list or something.
Definitely fewer chances! Like one chance. It can come with warnings like “in five minutes you need to. . .” But if I say now my kids need to do it now. They can ask me “Is it all right if I finish this paragraph?” or another similar question and I will usually say yes, but now means now.
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10-22-2018, 03:17 PM | #20 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,313
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Re: refusing to do chores
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I think he should be responsible for his own things & if he did them as needed, it wouldn't be an issue. toys & chairs are the biggest things for him but if we play with him, we help clean up. If he is playing by himself, we often help him clean up if it is a lot. there are tons of reminders, sometimes an excessive amount, IMO. As for the chore he does with me, he is not doing all of those things at once. I usually give him something to do while I am doing the bulk of it & when he is done 1 thing, he is given another task. when i am doing the floors, i am telling him what to move as i get there. Just to be clear, he is not moving the couch or tables or big arm chairs, he is moving the ottoman, trash cans,etc. I am hoping that as he gets older, i am giving less reminders & more chores. this is also the kid who earned 50 bonus points in a day or two (about 8 extra chores or more) because he wanted to earn a toy i bought cheap but held until he earned it or for his birthday. I know it probably Doesn't make much difference, but he will be 7 in three weeks. |
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10-22-2018, 05:54 PM | #21 |
Rose Garden
Our Family
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 5,047
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Re: refusing to do chores
It does sound kind of a lot and vague. My kids have to help out when asked, but my 6 year old does a 10 minute room cleanup, broken down into steps, one weekly chore (like vacuum the living room/take care of pet/clean bathroom something/gatherlaundry, they rotate), one daily chore (2 on non school days), and 5 minute living room cleanup.
There are several kinds of responsibilities here. Where is he having trouble?
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Mary K
wife to Daniel for 16 years mom to 13 year old the Girl and 11 year old the Boy and 8 year old Tiny Almost always posting from my phone. |
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10-22-2018, 08:07 PM | #22 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,313
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Re: refusing to do chores
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10-23-2018, 05:53 AM | #23 |
Rose Bouquet
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: MidWest
Posts: 776
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Re: refusing to do chores
My 8 year old can be this way. Honestly I have no idea if this is considered gentle parenting or not but the only thing that worked with her was taking away her access to 90% of her toys. Took her about a week but she has a very different attitude now.
As to chores I did lists with them for a long time and my almost 11 year old is asking for one again since she is having a hard time keeping track of the things she does. We have daily chores and Saturday chores so they don’t have to think of the once a week things daily. My 6 year old helps walk dishes after meal time to a sibling that is loading them in the dishwasher. She also helps with toy clean up 3 times a day. We clean up before lunch, dinner, and bed. (With homeschooling though it’s often a 2 min job for what little they get out while taking turns playing with the toddler during school.) She also puts her dirty clothes in the hamper but I don’t require that she hang her clean things up since that is hard due to her height. The only other things I can think of that she does on a daily basis is pick up her stuffed animals and make sure her books are put away.
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Wife to one very sweet hubby since '06. he frequently makes me Momma to three fabulous girls 11 yrs 9 yrs and 7 yrs And Momma to my boy Baby T 4yrs! Miss K 3 weeks Pls excuse the typos since I typically post from my phone. |
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10-23-2018, 06:24 AM | #24 |
Rose Trellis
Formerly kdhfly
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,760
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Re: refusing to do chores
If I find I am having to help too much, then our rule is that “If Mom has to help you clean up, then all the toys Mom cleans up are going away for awhile (weeks to months) because part of the responsibility of owning things is taking care of them and putting them away when you are done.” So we severely limit the number of things that are out. For my boys at times (especially the 4-6 ages), they have had as few as five toys out. Because that’s all they could easily clean up themselves I would do the same for chairs. “I will help you move them back, but that means losing the privilege of using them for forts or whatever else because part of the responsibility of using something is putting it back”
Little kids get overwhelmed so easily, especially by a large mess. Even *I* get overwhelmed by a large mess when I look at the play room sometimes. So if I look at it and feel overwhelmed, then I definitely offer to pitch in and while we clean up or after we clean up, we discuss how to clean when it is too much and how to avoid the big mess in the future: choose one set of toys to clean up at a time; have access to fewer toys at once; it’s more fun to play in an open space; not taking out more than we can tidy ourselves; etc Our family of 6 lives in 1450 sq ft. So it can easily get to be messy all over our whole house. I regularly get rid of extra things, and even now, we probably have at least one third too many toys.
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10-23-2018, 09:46 AM | #25 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,313
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Re: refusing to do chores
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10-23-2018, 11:29 AM | #26 |
Rose Garden
Our Family
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 5,047
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Re: refusing to do chores
Does the separating toys help? I tried to do that for my 6 year olds room but that overwhelmed him. He does much better when he has a big box for Legos, a space for stuffed animals and then just dump everything else together. I thought that having a place for everything would make cleaning up easier, but that's not the case for mine.
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Mary K
wife to Daniel for 16 years mom to 13 year old the Girl and 11 year old the Boy and 8 year old Tiny Almost always posting from my phone. |
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10-23-2018, 01:52 PM | #27 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,313
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Re: refusing to do chores
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10-23-2018, 04:12 PM | #28 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,922
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Re: refusing to do chores
We moved to the Trofast drawers from Ikea for most things. And we have a rule of only two kinds of toys out at a time, and if they are sets that have lots of pieces or it's close to bedtime, I let her know she can only get a few of each kind out. It may just be the maturity she's gained over time, but this is working better than previous types of sorting and rules.
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10-23-2018, 07:51 PM | #29 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,313
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Re: refusing to do chores
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