Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions?

Maggirayne · 01-15-2011, 08:34 PM

We have a lot of newbies, and I've seen threads that I would have posted if I had been bolder as a newbie.

When I found gentle discipline, Grace-based Discipline, I was ecstatic! I wanted to tell everyone, especially my parents who had raised me a la Dobson. I shared emails and talked on the phone and of course had hurtful discussions, my dad saying, "Well, some kids just need spanking."

Who wants a spanking? Yeah right!

And had another discussion and ended up telling my mom I'd never leave my children with her if she thought she could spank them.

My parents would probably be more open to gentle discipline had I not been so "in your face". At least my mom, their last visit, my dad did bring me a copy of "Discipline without Spanking or Shouting" and was reading it!

Anyhow, all of that to say, it is very easy when new to GD/GBD to want to explain and defend and win the world, BUT when you are coming out of a punitive mindset, it is very easy to fall into an adversarial mindset and either end up arguing or feeling hurt that your views are ignored/brushed off.

It is often wiser and safer to simply say, "This is my decision, I will not discuss it." And then the inclination is to say, but if you have questions. . . and open the door. And very often, when such discussions come up, people do not want to discuss, they want to prove you wrong, or make you agree that you are wrong. DO NOT ENGAGE. Really.

I checked and found this thread on Bean Dip which might help also.

newday · 01-15-2011, 08:37 PM

Well said

charla · 01-15-2011, 09:49 PM

allisonintx · 01-15-2011, 09:54 PM

I pretty much bean dipped my family until Evelyn, the youngest, was 7. When I finally "came out" it was much more powerful a standing place than it would have been earlier, because th proof that I could not hit the children and have fun, engaging, respectful offspring was right before their eyes.

Starfox · 01-15-2011, 10:01 PM

Awesome reminder. I feel like I came on too strong with my IL's and now I'm paying the price.

01-16-2011, 06:44 AM

I also think when you are new to GBD many are not yet as confident in their beliefs and views as they will be. Discussions can be difficult, confusing, and leave you feeling emotionally wrecked. Three years into this life, I am much more confident in my parenting decisions. Also, I have gain more discernment and can read when a discussion is necessary or would be beneficial rather than one that is bound to end up in a fight.

EnglishRose · 01-16-2011, 08:27 AM

Thank you so much for this post.

Yesterday i witnessed my friends dealing with their 2 year old (my god daughter) very heavy handedly. I decided to not say anything. My friend was stressed and i decided it wasn't a good time or the right way to approach things. I do hope and pray that they notice how we do things.

rjy9343 · 01-16-2011, 09:09 AM

You are so right. I am new to GBD and I fell into the same tell the world trap. I realized what I was doing and dialed it back before it got out of hand, but was still shocked that people thought I was nuts. New parents are just that, new. So not many people that are in that punitive mind set take them seriously. Besides, we'll be using variations of bean dipping with our babies as they get older any way. Not to say we will ignore them, just not battle them.

Maggirayne · 01-16-2011, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starfox5253

Awesome reminder. I feel like I came on too strong with my IL's and now I'm paying the price.

Don't beat yourself up! Finding GBD is very exciting, and it's natural to want to share.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Karen

I also think when you are new to GBD many are not yet as confident in their beliefs and views as they will be. Discussions can be difficult, confusing, and leave you feeling emotionally wrecked. Three years into this life, I am much more confident in my parenting decisions. Also, I have gain more discernment and can read when a discussion is necessary or would be beneficial rather than one that is bound to end up in a fight.

This exactly is the why. It is often not healthy for you.

---------- Post added at 03:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:24 PM ----------

Quote:

Originally Posted by EnglishRose

Thank you so much for this post.

Yesterday i witnessed my friends dealing with their 2 year old (my god daughter) very heavy handedly. I decided to not say anything. My friend was stressed and i decided it wasn't a good time or the right way to approach things. I do hope and pray that they notice how we do things.

They probably will notice. I pray they ask you and that God gives you the words to speak.

RachelB · 01-16-2011, 03:56 PM

Totally off-topic, but I love the new avi.

Joanne · 01-16-2011, 06:01 PM

Thanks for posting the Bean Dip link. It's been deconstructed in many cases to mean "change the subject" but it's much more than that.

I'm thinking of composing a "now that my kids are all teens" follow up.

TenderLovingWillow · 01-16-2011, 06:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RachelB

Totally off-topic, but I love the new avi.

Me too.. You are so beautiful!

Back on topic..

I stuggle with this.. And you are exactly right.. It is not healthy for me. With my parents, I have just had to refuse to engage.. Period. It has to be "You may not hit my child. You may redirect" end of story, otherwise I am just a wreck for days to follow.

Now, to remember not to engage..

WildFlower · 01-16-2011, 07:46 PM

Thank you! I am one of the newbies and after reading the "bean dip parenting" article link that you posted it really makes sense. I am guilty of feeling like I am doing something wrong when I am questioned by family members and my husband and I have had conversations about how to deal with family when they ask/question decisions we make in parenting. This was SO good and just the thing I needed to read! I am new to AP and you are right I am excited about it and want to share but I know that most people in my family will not agree or even understand. My sister had her baby 2 weeks after I had my DD and we both started out doing babywise. I SO want to share with her AP and convince her it is "right' But I KNOW she will not agree or understand and after reading this bean dip thing I think I am just not going to say anything unless she asks with true interest and even then only carefully and not try to "convince" her.

mommy9994 · 01-16-2011, 08:06 PM

The best thing, in my experience, is letting your children be your testimony.

Most people in our church spank. We don't generally sit around and have discussions on spanking, it's just assumed that most people do.

Funny thing is, we are more "strict" on our children than others who ARE punitive. We don't allow them to stand on the church furniture, run/throw balls/paper airplanes etc. in the fellowship hall and so on. For the most part, our children are well behaved, and respectful.

I have had moms come to me privately and ask "my child is doing xyz, is that something you would spank for?". My answer then is "we don't spank our children. I would try this..." I don't think I've ever had anyone ask WHY we don't spank, and I did have one mom have a look of relief on her face and say "OH! we don't either!"

Maggirayne · 01-16-2011, 08:13 PM

My OP is what I wish someone had told me as a newbie.

Joanne, I would love to see an update--and I know others would as well!

01-15-2011, 08:34 PM	#1
Maggirayne Rose Garden Standing for gentleness and honesty Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Looking for Hope Posts: 12,027	Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? We have a lot of newbies, and I've seen threads that I would have posted if I had been bolder as a newbie. When I found gentle discipline, Grace-based Discipline, I was ecstatic! I wanted to tell everyone, especially my parents who had raised me a la Dobson. I shared emails and talked on the phone and of course had hurtful discussions, my dad saying, "Well, some kids just need spanking." Who wants a spanking? Yeah right! And had another discussion and ended up telling my mom I'd never leave my children with her if she thought she could spank them. My parents would probably be more open to gentle discipline had I not been so "in your face". At least my mom, their last visit, my dad did bring me a copy of "Discipline without Spanking or Shouting" and was reading it! Anyhow, all of that to say, it is very easy when new to GD/GBD to want to explain and defend and win the world, BUT when you are coming out of a punitive mindset, it is very easy to fall into an adversarial mindset and either end up arguing or feeling hurt that your views are ignored/brushed off. It is often wiser and safer to simply say, "This is my decision, I will not discuss it." And then the inclination is to say, but if you have questions. . . and open the door. And very often, when such discussions come up, people do not want to discuss, they want to prove you wrong, or make you agree that you are wrong. DO NOT ENGAGE. Really. I checked and found this thread on Bean Dip which might help also. __________________ Maggi, Tw irler of the Umbrella of Silliness Mama to two sweet littles and 3 angels 12/4/11 10/7/13 12/8/13 Grace is not a destination, it's a journey. I first learned to show grace to my child that was not shown to me, then I learned to accept it for myself, and only recently have I been able to have grace for others more. ~Sweetpeasmommy A

01-15-2011, 08:37 PM	#2
newday Deactivated Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 11,249	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? Well said

01-15-2011, 09:49 PM	#3
charla Administrator Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 16,670	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? __________________ CHARLA Married to Nick, 31 yrs Mom to Nathan and his wife Abby, and Hope Elizabeth, dancing for eternity with babies: Micah Noel, Grace Anna, Andrew David www.dancingforeternity.org www.irresistiblehope.org Save Save Save Save Save

01-15-2011, 09:54 PM	#4
allisonintx Rose Garden Some Cal/Mag will probably fix that. Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: catching up on the laundry Posts: 41,294	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? I pretty much bean dipped my family until Evelyn, the youngest, was 7. When I finally "came out" it was much more powerful a standing place than it would have been earlier, because th proof that I could not hit the children and have fun, engaging, respectful offspring was right before their eyes. __________________ allisonintx Wife to Stephen Mother to Elizabeth 19, Andrew 17, Abigail 14 & Evelyn 12 Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the world. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home. . . . . . . .

01-15-2011, 10:01 PM	#5
Starfox Deactivated Ain't nobody got time for perfection! Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Home! Posts: 11,805	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? Awesome reminder. I feel like I came on too strong with my IL's and now I'm paying the price.

01-16-2011, 06:44 AM	#6
Karen Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? I also think when you are new to GBD many are not yet as confident in their beliefs and views as they will be. Discussions can be difficult, confusing, and leave you feeling emotionally wrecked. Three years into this life, I am much more confident in my parenting decisions. Also, I have gain more discernment and can read when a discussion is necessary or would be beneficial rather than one that is bound to end up in a fight.

01-16-2011, 08:27 AM	#7
EnglishRose Climbing Rose Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Posts: 1,214	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? Thank you so much for this post. Yesterday i witnessed my friends dealing with their 2 year old (my god daughter) very heavy handedly. I decided to not say anything. My friend was stressed and i decided it wasn't a good time or the right way to approach things. I do hope and pray that they notice how we do things. __________________ Happy mother to: DD- My Sunshine - Jan 2007 DS- My little pudding - July 2010

01-16-2011, 09:09 AM	#8
rjy9343 Rose Garden Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 10,090	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? You are so right. I am new to GBD and I fell into the same tell the world trap. I realized what I was doing and dialed it back before it got out of hand, but was still shocked that people thought I was nuts. New parents are just that, new. So not many people that are in that punitive mind set take them seriously. Besides, we'll be using variations of bean dipping with our babies as they get older any way. Not to say we will ignore them, just not battle them. __________________ Rita s IstJ Wife to my brilliant geek James iNtJ since 4/08 Mom to our angel boy Jay 5/08 our quirky miracle DD Ivy 6/10 mellow miracle DS Jacob 7/15 Often Please forgive my frequent typos Standing firmly on Team Lioness!!! Roar!!! I am ready for people to know I am a GCM find me on Facebook

01-16-2011, 03:56 PM	#10
RachelB Rose Bouquet Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: under the table and dreaming Posts: 895	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? Totally off-topic, but I love the new avi. __________________ Rachel Wife to Steve Mommy to Nadia (2001) Mommy to Seth (2004)

01-16-2011, 06:01 PM	#11
Joanne Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 8,066	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? Thanks for posting the Bean Dip link. It's been deconstructed in many cases to mean "change the subject" but it's much more than that. I'm thinking of composing a "now that my kids are all teens" follow up.

01-16-2011, 07:46 PM	#13
WildFlower Banned Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: indiana Posts: 4,410	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? Thank you! I am one of the newbies and after reading the "bean dip parenting" article link that you posted it really makes sense. I am guilty of feeling like I am doing something wrong when I am questioned by family members and my husband and I have had conversations about how to deal with family when they ask/question decisions we make in parenting. This was SO good and just the thing I needed to read! I am new to AP and you are right I am excited about it and want to share but I know that most people in my family will not agree or even understand. My sister had her baby 2 weeks after I had my DD and we both started out doing babywise. I SO want to share with her AP and convince her it is "right' But I KNOW she will not agree or understand and after reading this bean dip thing I think I am just not going to say anything unless she asks with true interest and even then only carefully and not try to "convince" her.

01-16-2011, 08:06 PM	#14
mommy9994 Rose Bush Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 379	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? The best thing, in my experience, is letting your children be your testimony. Most people in our church spank. We don't generally sit around and have discussions on spanking, it's just assumed that most people do. Funny thing is, we are more "strict" on our children than others who ARE punitive. We don't allow them to stand on the church furniture, run/throw balls/paper airplanes etc. in the fellowship hall and so on. For the most part, our children are well behaved, and respectful. I have had moms come to me privately and ask "my child is doing xyz, is that something you would spank for?". My answer then is "we don't spank our children. I would try this..." I don't think I've ever had anyone ask WHY we don't spank, and I did have one mom have a look of relief on her face and say "OH! we don't either!" __________________ Amy, wife to Dan since July, 1994 striving to be a gentler mommy to Alekzandr Charles Aliana Rebekah Lydia trusting the Lord for any future children. Feel free to pm me about food allergies, eczema, complementarian marriage, homeschooling, breastfeeding, large family...

01-16-2011, 08:13 PM	#15
Maggirayne Rose Garden Standing for gentleness and honesty Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Looking for Hope Posts: 12,027	Re: Why Bean-dip Parenting Discussions? My OP is what I wish someone had told me as a newbie. Joanne, I would love to see an update--and I know others would as well! __________________ Maggi, Tw irler of the Umbrella of Silliness Mama to two sweet littles and 3 angels 12/4/11 10/7/13 12/8/13 Grace is not a destination, it's a journey. I first learned to show grace to my child that was not shown to me, then I learned to accept it for myself, and only recently have I been able to have grace for others more. ~Sweetpeasmommy A

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