I need emotional boundaries

[Allison]

This crops up from time to time and I theoretically know what the problem is and what I need to do about it, but in nearly 11 years of parenting, I haven't made big and lasting changes in this area.

I am not a "feeler" or an empath. When other people are sad or hurt or mad I can think, "Wow, that stinks for them. Can I help?" If yes, I help. If no, I can hold a hand or offer a shoulder without becoming sucked in myself.

With my children, otoh, I become unhealthily enmeshed. (I have done it to a lesser extent with my husband and my mother in the past but seem to have been able to make big and lasting changes when it comes to them. )

I think it's completely normal to feel the pain of your own children. I think that what I do is not healthy, though.

I've struggled to put firm rules in place from time to time because it felt too mean. I could too strongly feel what my children felt in response to limitations. If they tantrum, my blood pressure would go up. If they were angry, I'd get a headache. If they were not happy, I couldn't be happy and if they were not peaceful, I could have no peace.

I want to be able to say, "Do this. I'm sorry that upsets/disappoints/doesn't agree with you." DONE. Walk away. Finished. The end.

But right now, I'm saying, "Do this. I'm sorry that upsets/disappoints/doesn't agree with you." "I know. I'm sorry." "Negotiate, rephrase, logic, reason, move around, change, negotiate, I'm sorry, I understand, you poor dear, I know you think I'm being mean, DOITNOW/okayforgetit." And I'm exhausted when it's over.


What do I need from you guys? Commiseration, for sure. Some "BDTD and this is how I overcome it." would be helpful. And of course, any clarifying questions you have, because this might be jumbled.