The Five Steps

[ArmsOfLove]

Originally Posted by mafiedler

thats what I said and they were, I don't know Kelli.......ugh. Anyway, I'm over it. I know I'm not a punitive parent. There was all this stuff said about step 5 invading a childs space, and I was like you all *ARE* AP, right? Because as an AP parent, I don't have space. Lack of space is more like it. It might be unusual in some houses for a parent to hug their child after they've done a task they're asked to do, but not mine.

Thanks Crystal.

my guess is they lean towards TCS or define themselves as "gentle" but that plays out as permissive, or they just have incredibly compliant children who just cooperate

Can I borrow you for a week. How do you do this when a baby is crying at the same time? I am a on demand nursing mother. Sometimes I have to choose I hate that. I try to correct the behavior as it is happening. Simple requests he refusses to listen to lately when I am tending to his brother. I have more questions can I get your private email? mumw/lov

[ArmsOfLove]

You certainly can pm me or email me through my site Sometimes it's a matter of stepping away from a baby for just long enough to give action to your words for a toddler and then get back to the baby, or live with the baby in a sling

I found your site. I love it by the way. I book marked it. My dh and I have been sitting down togeather to learn. WHo is the diet experts. I think dyes and sugar are the evils in a lot of the outbursts. I am seeing some changes. It is still new for us I am giving it time. I do have a sling I use it a lot. I recently my toddler used that to his advantage and kicked the baby. I did not see it comming.

Thank you so much for all of your ideas! I've tried the bear hug before. I was told that if I spoke softly to him and explained that I would let him go when he was calm that he would settle down. He usually loves snuggles and being held. The first time I did it, he screamed so hard that he puked. I didn't do that again. I felt horrible. He hates feeling restrained. I like the comfort corner idea for him. I could sit in it with him. Usually instead of a bear hug, we will sit on the couch and I will rub his back or sit with him. Is this sort of the same thing, if he doesn't like the bear hug? I will do more bear hugs during the day and see how he responds. I'll know right away whether it's working him up into a tizzy or if it's helping. Sorry I just hate that I feel like I sort of do time outs because he doesn't want me to hold him when he's mad for not getting his way etc. (He's a very strong willed 2 1/2yr old)
Thank you.

[Mama Rophe]

My ds doesn't like the bear hug thing either. He hates to be restrained. We also just do the comfort corner. I let him decide if he wants me to be next to him or not. He usually wants me close but not touching him until he has calmed a little bit.

[ArmsOfLove]

for a child who doesn't want to be restrained I absolutely respect that--though if they are attacking and it's a matter of keeping them, myself and others safe versus them being comfortable I always opt for safe. Otherwise, if they are not attacking, I'm nearby when they are ready, but give them their space

So I really thought about the bear hug. I give him positive loving bear hugs, so I wondered if my attitude was punitive when I was bear hugging him. I realized that instead of simple doing an over the shoulder bear hug on the spot, like you suggested, I would pick him up and bring him to a chair and be physically restraining him. This is not the same thing. I tried the "bear hug" today, and it worked beautifully. Since he's young, we went pretty quickly through the steps. We already did choices. Although I count, letting him know that when I get to three, he is choosing for me to help him, after the first steps. If he starts to lose it, I hug him. If he resists, I let go. One time today, we did the comfort corner because he was out of control and did not want to be hugged. He smiled. He also smiled after the hugs. Thank you so much for the great suggestions, and reassuring me that I am not raising a wild child by not doing time outs. I just need to respond lovingly to his behavior. He has actually been more calm and loving today! I used to do "time in" in the sling (or my other soft baby carrier), but I babywear the younger brother so much now, that I always forget that that is another "comfort corner" he really likes. Thanks again.

[ArmsOfLove]

awesome!

Right now I feel like that little five step thing just saved my sanity. I am very new at this and I grew up in a family where there always is a consequence for an unwanted behavior and my mother and grandmother would make sure I remembered it.. I can't seem to erase that out of my mind. Everyone please pray for me.

[ArmsOfLove]

Originally Posted by alexis

Thank you so much for all of your ideas! I've tried the bear hug before. I was told that if I spoke softly to him and explained that I would let him go when he was calm that he would settle down. He usually loves snuggles and being held. The first time I did it, he screamed so hard that he puked. I didn't do that again. I felt horrible. He hates feeling restrained. I like the comfort corner idea for him. I could sit in it with him. Usually instead of a bear hug, we will sit on the couch and I will rub his back or sit with him. Is this sort of the same thing, if he doesn't like the bear hug? I will do more bear hugs during the day and see how he responds. I'll know right away whether it's working him up into a tizzy or if it's helping. Sorry I just hate that I feel like I sort of do time outs because he doesn't want me to hold him when he's mad for not getting his way etc. (He's a very strong willed 2 1/2yr old)
Thank you.

with a child that averse to the Bear Hug I'd do a few things--only use the Bear Hug if he is being violent and aggressive as a means of keeping him and everyone safe; rely more on the Comfort Corner and space-respecting tools. I'd also encourage you to read Sensory Secrets and find some ways to work with him to be less touch averse Maybe jumping on a mini-trampoline to get some large muscle compression (the one my touch averse child loves )

[Mama Rophe]

Thanks for that recomendation Crystal. My 2 yo has never really liked the bear hug in a situation when it is needed. He loves hug's otherwise. When he is upset it just makes it ten times worse. I will see if my library has that book.

do you think a 15mo o;d is too young for the 5 steps?

we have used the 5 steps since we have needed to redirect DD which was once she became more mobile, which was about crawling time or close to it. So yes 15 mos is fine to use the 5 steps...sometimes we use them quicker then other times or squish them down to 3 steps.

[ArmsOfLove]

I use the language from birth and "help" includes redirecting, trading out, moving, etc. As they begin lashing out or expressing their frustration I use the Bear Hug to help them calm down