Starting to use time out so I don't hit/spank my 21 month old.

[Mokek Kwe]

I have some problems I'm trying to get under control, and one of them is my temper and anger. I don't like that I've been hitting my baby I KNOW that it's WRONG and it breaks my heart when I've spanked.
I've done the 5 steps when I can remember to, but I've just started using time-out to keep me from "smacking" her hands/ thighs.

I know time-out isn't the ideal. I was doing time-in and she didn't take me seriously. Even when we've "spanked" her (spanked in quotations because I know it's hitting), she mostly looks like "Pffffbtt!! Whatever!" and continues about her business.

So during lunch this morning when she got upset and threw her undesirable food on the floor (or angrily scattered it) instead of just leaving it alone, I cleared her tray and explained- "We don't throw food. If you don't want it, you don't have to eat it, but please don't throw." and I turned her high chair around and set the timer for 1 minute. Then explained again that we don't throw food and asked if she understood (no answer, but she wasn't upset anymore at that point. She kind of looked at me like "...ok.....") and we continued on with lunch.

So.... it isn't the best, but it's getting better. Praying we get to a more gentle, more desirable state soon.

[3PeasInAPod]

21 month olds throw their food I haven't met ones that don't.
Have you ever read "Your one year old" by Imes, Ages? They have a little book for each age up to 7, I believe. That might help you?

[illinoismommy]

I know how hard it is to see how young they are with a first child. I have had 3 21 month olds though, and they do not have the impulse control to not throw food on the floor when its all sitting there. Here is what I would do:

After the first batch of food, when you know she is hungry and will eat all of it, give her 1-2 pieces at a time. Watch for signs of tossing it and catch her hand and take it away, saying, "We don't throw food."

[gpsings]

Just adding, that would never have worked with my son...He could climb out of the high chair by the time he was 18 months...and then when he was done, better catch him!
I second the motion of only giving tiny amounts of food at a time, and a 'bite at a time'. They all throw food. And dishes if they can!

[Sundance]

MY DS is almost the same age as your DD...and it's a *hard* age for listening. He does things now that he knew he wasn't supposed to do 3 months ago, and didn't do then. *NOTHING* works. I just GOMB, redirect, and do some sort of involved play with him. I know it's VERY hard some days, and there are days when I have also swatted his hand (which doesn't work either!), and feel like crying and pulling my hair out.
I tried using time outs, too, and those didn't work for him. He still didn't "get" it, and would get worked up, and it was a *lot* of effort on my part to keep him timed out, because he doesn't stay put. It did not calm me down at all!
I've sort of just come to accept that it's his age, and he's not going to stop doing it right now, and punishing him doesn't work, either. He will outgrow it. Realizing that was a huge shift for me, and has really helped me not resenting GOMB all.the.time., and learning that it's how he is, and the age and stage he's at.

I hope that doesn't come across as me lecturing or anything....I'm pretty much where you are. Writing that out helped me take a deep breath, and realize anew that it's his age and stage, and he will outgrow it!

[bolt.]

It sounds like you are working through your options, and trying to get towards a gentler personal style.

Being less adversarial will also help you feel less angry (because you have no enemy to fight, and you have no standards about another person's choices to feel like a failure about).

Now that you've noticed that your daughter has a way of dealing with 'undersirable food' that seems workable to her, but is not acceptable to you -- it's time to figure out a way of dealing with u.f. that is likely to acceptable to you both.

First, try to read out of yourself the perception of 'anger' (or your possible sense of personal rejection of what you are offering to her) that seems to be coming from your daughter. Try to use another adjective, like she is 'abruptly' dealing with the u.f. -- or 'enthusiastically' -- or 'determined-ly'.

Then realize that 'leaving u.f. alone' is a plan that seems good to you, but is not workable for your daughter just now. She seems to need a plan that involves... ummm... enthusiasm. It also might need to involve getting the u.f. out of sight. You need a plan that works for you both, not just for one of you. You both matter.

So, perhaps there is a way for her to enthusiastically put u.f. into a 'not going to eat it' container or some-such on her tray. Maybe something fun like a miniature garbage can, or a character that wants to eat what she does not want. You could make the character-container say 'thank you' in a funny voice. You might even want to provide foods that you know she won't want, so she has something to get rid of, and still enough to be eating and trying new things.

At her age, your goal is only to keep the food off the floor right? You can use a game rather than a consiquence to make that happen. Then you are both happier. Also, once she gets out of the throwing habit, it is not likely that she will start again if you happen to forget to put out the thing or play the game. If she gets used to a contaner, you will be able to transition to using just a spot on the tray or a paper napkin to make a little pile, and eventually to the very grown-up practice of confining u.f. to small pile at the edge of one's plate.

The only thing standing in the way of that sort of planning / problem-solving is the kind of mindset that people tend to have about children --> that 'they just shouldn't do things like that' -- so to stop them, it appears to make sense to do it in a way that communicates the wrongness of the impulse itself. Thus the use of a method that acomplishes the goal and makes the child feel bad about the impluse is viewed as supirior to a method that accomplishes the goal but doesn't bother with attempting to modify the impulse.

I'd like to suggest that there is no real reason that a very young toddler / baby should be subject to attempts to 'modify the impulse'. They are unlikely to work, and they just make the day (and mealtime) less happy. If the goal can be accomplished without unpleasantness, I view that as the supirior method (even if it does take more thought and more work).

In my work towards gentleness, I have tried to take note of each time I felt it was nessisary to become punative -- then make plans that have some likelyhood of preventing that situation from happening often, or plans that give me a gentler alternative to try.

I also need to remember that whether I am a 'good mommy', whether my life is 'OK', etc... is about the things I do -- not about the things my children do. I am not trying to change them... well I am trying to change them... but it's inderct, becasue I can't change them, so I can't determine my success or failure by what they are doing... it has to be about what I am doing.

I am just trying to do the wisest things I can, and if it's not working I seek more information and try something else. That's an OK process, it's the way a 'good mommy' operates -- and that helps me be OK with myself, which keeps my temper more under control.

[ArmsOfLove]

at 21 months everything is a game. nothing you do will get her to be serious or fully understand. Is there any way you can change your goal to be having fun with her?

---------- Post added at 08:54 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:52 AM ----------

and if the goal is no food on the floor then give her smaller portions and give her more if she wants it

[Joanne]

I don't think the problem is what discipline tools you use. I think the problem is more foundamental; your expectations and triggers. Do you know what bothers you the most? Mess? Noise? Waste? If you can spend some time prayerfully discerning the situations you react most strongly to, we can work together to make those situations more manageable.

I also see in your post that you might have some expectation that discipline/punishment will solve the problem. As in, the right method will eliminate the need to repeat your instructions. You can't punish/discipline a child into greater maturity or another developmental stage. At 21 months and for a long, long time to come, parenting is filled with repetition about the same things.

Do you have a lot of experience with children?

[MarynMunchkins]

Can I suggest that maybe instead of trying time-out for her behavior, you use it so you can calm down? There's nothing wrong with putting your kid in a safe spot so you can walk away until you can deal with the situation better. I do that all the time.

My youngest is 21 months. He throws food when he doesn't want it, so I give less. But I can assure you, kids make a mess at dinner for a long time yet. They just get better at cleaning up once they're done.

[klpmommy]

R is 22 m/o. I can confidently say that what your 21 m/o dd is doing is very age-typical, that you aren't going to be able to punish those things away and that she will grow out of it. My 3 y/o rarely throws food on the floor, my 7 & 8 y/o's never do....and they all did at 21 m/o.

I do give only a few bites at a time. And R is *so* very busy these days that he hardly eats anything at one time, he does a ton of "grazing". It is a bit annoying at times, esp since I think he should be eating more.

I think the best course of action right now is to figure out what your biggest trigger is and let's work on that *one* thing right now. Let's come up with solutions to help it not happen (as much as possible with a 21 m/o) and how you react.

I can also say that unless it is a real, immediate emergency the best thing I ever did to help my anger was to stop, close my eyes & breathe before reacting. Sometimes I could even pray, but in the beginning I had to just stop & breathe, praying was too hard.

[Johns_Gal]

Yeah, they don't get it. With DS, if he suddenly decides to, oh, say, rapid fire his sweet potatoes and chicken over a dividing wall in a restaurant I just know I should give him less. We do tell him something like "Hey bud, we don't throw food" neutrally as we clean up. If he's just going to keep throwing his drink, it geos away because he clearly doesn't want to drink right then.

One or two bites at a time. Accept that some of it is going to wind up on the floor/wall. And half the time they aren't hungry until you're putting everything away. It'll pass. I, uh, figure. I don't know any adults who throw their food, so-o...

[Mokek Kwe]

Originally Posted by Joanne

I don't think the problem is what discipline tools you use. I think the problem is more foundamental; your expectations and triggers. Do you know what bothers you the most? Mess? Noise? Waste? If you can spend some time prayerfully discerning the situations you react most strongly to, we can work together to make those situations more manageable.

I also see in your post that you might have some expectation that discipline/punishment will solve the problem. As in, the right method will eliminate the need to repeat your instructions. You can't punish/discipline a child into greater maturity or another developmental stage. At 21 months and for a long, long time to come, parenting is filled with repetition about the same things.

Do you have a lot of experience with children?
ETA- I do not have any experience with children.

I think in order of those listed, my triggers are: Noise, Mess, Waste. I don't mind most happy noises, but if it's a frustrated or angry sounding noise, it immediately makes me start to feel

and Re: Crystal's suggestion of just having fun with her. When she wakes from her nap in just a little bit, I'll try that. I have such a difficult time focusing on playing with her because it isn't stimulating enough for me. TBH, I don't connect with her much during the day. She watches tv and plays by herself and I'll even admit I don't talk to her much. Resulting in somewhat slow language development on her part and chipping away of the attachment foundation I worked so hard to cultivate the first year. I started out doing AP because it felt right and also because it was easy and came naturally.... but AP when they get older is SO difficult for me, I'm finding. I really want to make it work. I'm not going to give up, even though right now I feel like a huge FAIL in this and so many other areas.

[teamommy]

You have gotten good advice.

At that age and into 2 yo, what it looks like here is to give small amounts, as others have said. If they have already eaten some and are throwing, the meal is over and they are done. The food goes away and they can get down and play, or have something else to do in the high chair while others finish eating, if they are happy at the table. This is matter-of-fact and not as punishment.

I'd like to recommend reading either the Ames and Ilg (You one-year-old, Your Two-year-old) books if you haven't already, or if your library has anything by Jane Nelsen, those would be good places to start.

[klpmommy]

It's a hard age to play with. R likes tackle, tickle, peek a boo, chase (all physical high energy activities). He loves me to read to him. I like to play games with P&E b/c they are real games.

[MarynMunchkins]

Those are triggers for most people, honestly, and I've found they happen with children no matter what you do. There WILL be waste, noise, and mess. You can try to limit it by child-proofing and being playful. You can take regular breaks from it and teach them to help clean up. But it will happen, so learning how to cope with it without screaming is a better place to start than trying to keep it from happening at all.

It's all about managing your expectations and own big feelings.