How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM? - Page 3

erinee · 02-10-2006, 03:29 PM

How wonderful!! I'm so happy to hear about your success!

erinee · 02-10-2006, 03:29 PM

How wonderful!! I'm so happy to hear about your success!

canadiyank · 02-10-2006, 03:41 PM

I am so glad you found us! I have always used GBD with my kids but still stuggle with a punitive-mindset...it's not something that is easy to give up. A book that made a big difference to me was "Families Where Grace is in Place" by Jeff VanVonderen. It has to do with all family relationships, and really explains the difference between grace and wanting to control.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/155...Fencoding=UTF8

Also, one thing that helped me was to replace the word "obedience" (which, as you understood from Crystal's site, you cannot force, and it's not your job to force anyways) with "compliance" ....IOW, I expect my child to comply with what I ask her to do. I know it's worrisome to think this is being permissive, but being non-punitive does not have to equal permissiveness.

canadiyank · 02-10-2006, 03:41 PM

I am so glad you found us! I have always used GBD with my kids but still stuggle with a punitive-mindset...it's not something that is easy to give up. A book that made a big difference to me was "Families Where Grace is in Place" by Jeff VanVonderen. It has to do with all family relationships, and really explains the difference between grace and wanting to control.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/155...Fencoding=UTF8

Also, one thing that helped me was to replace the word "obedience" (which, as you understood from Crystal's site, you cannot force, and it's not your job to force anyways) with "compliance" ....IOW, I expect my child to comply with what I ask her to do. I know it's worrisome to think this is being permissive, but being non-punitive does not have to equal permissiveness.

ArmsOfLove · 02-10-2006, 06:09 PM

what a wonderful update

ArmsOfLove · 02-10-2006, 06:09 PM

what a wonderful update

katiekind · 02-10-2006, 06:33 PM

One thing that I learned as I parented my children is that cultivating a close relationship with them ALWAYS pays off. At times they misbehave, and a lot of the misbehavior is age/stage related, but when you have the relationship, you have the necessary basis for them to WANT to obey you. If you have that, you have SO much. If you don't have a solid relationship....invest in it. Invest, invest, invest.

I never expected my children to obey like automatons. I know they are people, just as I am. They may have internal struggles as they get to the point of obeying (just like I do.) As their parent at times I enforce the rules, and at other times I serve as a resource to HELP them. Actually at this point I only have one child at home, so I should stop writing "them, them" so much! But actually, I still HELP the older children, by being available to talk and listen and by praying for them.

I am so excited for you. Welcome!

katiekind · 02-10-2006, 06:33 PM

One thing that I learned as I parented my children is that cultivating a close relationship with them ALWAYS pays off. At times they misbehave, and a lot of the misbehavior is age/stage related, but when you have the relationship, you have the necessary basis for them to WANT to obey you. If you have that, you have SO much. If you don't have a solid relationship....invest in it. Invest, invest, invest.

I never expected my children to obey like automatons. I know they are people, just as I am. They may have internal struggles as they get to the point of obeying (just like I do.) As their parent at times I enforce the rules, and at other times I serve as a resource to HELP them. Actually at this point I only have one child at home, so I should stop writing "them, them" so much! But actually, I still HELP the older children, by being available to talk and listen and by praying for them.

I am so excited for you. Welcome!

Reva · 02-10-2006, 06:57 PM

Praise God, mama for your wonderful update!

Reva · 02-10-2006, 06:57 PM

Praise God, mama for your wonderful update!

UltraMother · 02-10-2006, 07:17 PM

Another welcome!

I followed some Pearl teachings also, for about 3 years.

I didn't follow them perfectly, but enough to really mess some things up. It's extremely hard to get those ideas out of your head- they really stick! I really recommend getting rid of your Pearl materials ASAP. If you keep them around, you will be tempted to look at them again, when you mind tells you that they should obey like simple mules.

It sounds like you already have lots of good things going with your kids.

It's even better when you realize that you don't have to punish them to discipline them, and they stop looking at you with fear!

UltraMother · 02-10-2006, 07:17 PM

Another welcome!

I followed some Pearl teachings also, for about 3 years.

I didn't follow them perfectly, but enough to really mess some things up. It's extremely hard to get those ideas out of your head- they really stick! I really recommend getting rid of your Pearl materials ASAP. If you keep them around, you will be tempted to look at them again, when you mind tells you that they should obey like simple mules.

It sounds like you already have lots of good things going with your kids.

It's even better when you realize that you don't have to punish them to discipline them, and they stop looking at you with fear!

02-10-2006, 07:34 PM

I shared w/ my dh how wonderful it was not to "see" fear in my son's eyes. Sometimes, when I reach for him, he instantly flinched, thinking I will hit him.

I am NOT a mean mommy, but apparently my spanking has the same affects on him as it does a whipped dog. I was being mean!!!!

.

This afternoon, I let my son CRY! He was sad that the Winnie the Pooh show was over. Normally, if I hear him crying, I immediately get angry, and judge him. I was programmed to believe that his crying/whining is all bad. I went to him, and just listened to his sadness. I held him and said that I would be sad if my favorite show was over, too. I hugged him and he sniffed-whimpered, then began to play with his cars. WOW!

02-10-2006, 07:34 PM

I shared w/ my dh how wonderful it was not to "see" fear in my son's eyes. Sometimes, when I reach for him, he instantly flinched, thinking I will hit him.

I am NOT a mean mommy, but apparently my spanking has the same affects on him as it does a whipped dog. I was being mean!!!!

.

This afternoon, I let my son CRY! He was sad that the Winnie the Pooh show was over. Normally, if I hear him crying, I immediately get angry, and judge him. I was programmed to believe that his crying/whining is all bad. I went to him, and just listened to his sadness. I held him and said that I would be sad if my favorite show was over, too. I hugged him and he sniffed-whimpered, then began to play with his cars. WOW!

Mamatoto · 02-10-2006, 07:37 PM

glad you are here!

02-10-2006, 03:29 PM	#31
erinee Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 8,072	Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM? How wonderful!! I'm so happy to hear about your success! __________________ Erin, Saxophonist for Ginger and Her Baked Goods and The Starving Artists, Youth Services Specialist at the Elkhart Public Library, and Mom to Zach (3/98) and Elio (3/02)

02-10-2006, 03:29 PM	#32
erinee Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 8,072	Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM? How wonderful!! I'm so happy to hear about your success! __________________ Erin, Saxophonist for Ginger and Her Baked Goods and The Starving Artists, Youth Services Specialist at the Elkhart Public Library, and Mom to Zach (3/98) and Elio (3/02)

02-10-2006, 03:41 PM	#33
canadiyank Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Central WA Posts: 17,196	Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM? I am so glad you found us! I have always used GBD with my kids but still stuggle with a punitive-mindset...it's not something that is easy to give up. A book that made a big difference to me was "Families Where Grace is in Place" by Jeff VanVonderen. It has to do with all family relationships, and really explains the difference between grace and wanting to control. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/155...Fencoding=UTF8 Also, one thing that helped me was to replace the word "obedience" (which, as you understood from Crystal's site, you cannot force, and it's not your job to force anyways) with "compliance" ....IOW, I expect my child to comply with what I ask her to do. I know it's worrisome to think this is being permissive, but being non-punitive does not have to equal permissiveness.

02-10-2006, 03:41 PM	#34
canadiyank Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Central WA Posts: 17,196	Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM? I am so glad you found us! I have always used GBD with my kids but still stuggle with a punitive-mindset...it's not something that is easy to give up. A book that made a big difference to me was "Families Where Grace is in Place" by Jeff VanVonderen. It has to do with all family relationships, and really explains the difference between grace and wanting to control. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/155...Fencoding=UTF8 Also, one thing that helped me was to replace the word "obedience" (which, as you understood from Crystal's site, you cannot force, and it's not your job to force anyways) with "compliance" ....IOW, I expect my child to comply with what I ask her to do. I know it's worrisome to think this is being permissive, but being non-punitive does not have to equal permissiveness.

02-10-2006, 06:09 PM	#35
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM? what a wonderful update __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

02-10-2006, 06:33 PM	#37
katiekind Deactivated Peace be with you. Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: the sweet sunny south Posts: 15,346	Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM? One thing that I learned as I parented my children is that cultivating a close relationship with them ALWAYS pays off. At times they misbehave, and a lot of the misbehavior is age/stage related, but when you have the relationship, you have the necessary basis for them to WANT to obey you. If you have that, you have SO much. If you don't have a solid relationship....invest in it. Invest, invest, invest. I never expected my children to obey like automatons. I know they are people, just as I am. They may have internal struggles as they get to the point of obeying (just like I do.) As their parent at times I enforce the rules, and at other times I serve as a resource to HELP them. Actually at this point I only have one child at home, so I should stop writing "them, them" so much! But actually, I still HELP the older children, by being available to talk and listen and by praying for them. I am so excited for you. Welcome!

02-10-2006, 06:57 PM	#39
Reva Rose Trellis Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 3,449	Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM? Praise God, mama for your wonderful update! __________________ Married to my J since 2022 E 23 M 19 Forever missing my sweet R (HLHS) and the baby we never got to meet.

02-10-2006, 07:17 PM	#41
UltraMother Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 4,003	Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM? Another welcome! I followed some Pearl teachings also, for about 3 years. I didn't follow them perfectly, but enough to really mess some things up. It's extremely hard to get those ideas out of your head- they really stick! I really recommend getting rid of your Pearl materials ASAP. If you keep them around, you will be tempted to look at them again, when you mind tells you that they should obey like simple mules. It sounds like you already have lots of good things going with your kids. It's even better when you realize that you don't have to punish them to discipline them, and they stop looking at you with fear! __________________ Babies-they just grow on you. Shop for yarn and spindles at my etsy!

02-10-2006, 07:34 PM	#43
butterflymommy Guest Posts: n/a	Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM? I shared w/ my dh how wonderful it was not to "see" fear in my son's eyes. Sometimes, when I reach for him, he instantly flinched, thinking I will hit him. I am NOT a mean mommy, but apparently my spanking has the same affects on him as it does a whipped dog. I was being mean!!!! . This afternoon, I let my son CRY! He was sad that the Winnie the Pooh show was over. Normally, if I hear him crying, I immediately get angry, and judge him. I was programmed to believe that his crying/whining is all bad. I went to him, and just listened to his sadness. I held him and said that I would be sad if my favorite show was over, too. I hugged him and he sniffed-whimpered, then began to play with his cars. WOW!

02-10-2006, 07:37 PM	#45
Mamatoto Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 5,871	Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM? glad you are here!

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