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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing. A public forum. Before posting here, please read this sticky and keep guideline 23 in mind:
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06-08-2012, 01:51 PM | #1 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: just exactly where I should be
Posts: 6,741
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I need emotional boundaries
This crops up from time to time and I theoretically know what the problem is and what I need to do about it, but in nearly 11 years of parenting, I haven't made big and lasting changes in this area.
I am not a "feeler" or an empath. When other people are sad or hurt or mad I can think, "Wow, that stinks for them. Can I help?" If yes, I help. If no, I can hold a hand or offer a shoulder without becoming sucked in myself. With my children, otoh, I become unhealthily enmeshed. (I have done it to a lesser extent with my husband and my mother in the past but seem to have been able to make big and lasting changes when it comes to them. ) I think it's completely normal to feel the pain of your own children. I think that what I do is not healthy, though. I've struggled to put firm rules in place from time to time because it felt too mean. I could too strongly feel what my children felt in response to limitations. If they tantrum, my blood pressure would go up. If they were angry, I'd get a headache. If they were not happy, I couldn't be happy and if they were not peaceful, I could have no peace. I want to be able to say, "Do this. I'm sorry that upsets/disappoints/doesn't agree with you." DONE. Walk away. Finished. The end. But right now, I'm saying, "Do this. I'm sorry that upsets/disappoints/doesn't agree with you." "I know. I'm sorry." "Negotiate, rephrase, logic, reason, move around, change, negotiate, I'm sorry, I understand, you poor dear, I know you think I'm being mean, DOITNOW/okayforgetit." And I'm exhausted when it's over. What do I need from you guys? Commiseration, for sure. Some "BDTD and this is how I overcome it." would be helpful. And of course, any clarifying questions you have, because this might be jumbled.
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Allison Blessed mother of my three sons: 22, 20, 18 Grateful for GCM since 2004 |
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